My fiance died recently in a car accident

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I lived with him for 6 months each visit several times. I don't think you're being insensitive. WHen his family first told me, I was in disbelief. It just seemed impossible. I called the hospital and they confirmed it. I also was told there was a full autopsy on his body by the medical examiner's office. I had a really hard time with this information.. it's not easy to come to the realization that the man you loved had an autopsy performed on him. He just thought he was going to go for a drive and get a snack at the shop up the road (I assume this, knowing him so well) and instead he died and then they did an autopsy on him. It really haunts me. He was from South Africa. I was going to relocate there this year, marry him, and start a family.

I'm the PP who asked the questions, and thank you for not taking offense. It sounded like Africa to me, but all the other details you give (living with him 18+ months and talking to the hospital) do sound legitimate.

I'm really sorry OP. And I do think you can find counseling sooner than waiting 90 days, even if it isn't specifically "grief counseling." It sounds like you would benefit from it.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, Op. Please try to honor your fiance's memory by doing good and kind things on his behalf. Remember how he made you feel and try to keep that love alive.

Writing venomous notes to his family would only cause you regret. It's better not to let your mind think such negative thoughts.

Although sharing your grief with other people who also cared about your fiance at his funeral would have helped to give you closure, understand that his family may not have wanted to delay his service until you got there for a lot of different reasons that weren't strictly about you. Remember, they are grieving, too Maybe you could create an online memorial to your fiance expressing your love and fond memories of him (with pictures). It may surprise his parents to see the depth of your relationship together. Let them see the side to their son that you saw.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I lived with him for 6 months each visit several times. I don't think you're being insensitive. WHen his family first told me, I was in disbelief. It just seemed impossible. I called the hospital and they confirmed it. I also was told there was a full autopsy on his body by the medical examiner's office. I had a really hard time with this information.. it's not easy to come to the realization that the man you loved had an autopsy performed on him. He just thought he was going to go for a drive and get a snack at the shop up the road (I assume this, knowing him so well) and instead he died and then they did an autopsy on him. It really haunts me. He was from South Africa. I was going to relocate there this year, marry him, and start a family.

I'm the PP who asked the questions, and thank you for not taking offense. It sounded like Africa to me, but all the other details you give (living with him 18+ months and talking to the hospital) do sound legitimate.

I'm really sorry OP. And I do think you can find counseling sooner than waiting 90 days, even if it isn't specifically "grief counseling." It sounds like you would benefit from it.

Why did you think it sounded like Africa? I don't really see why you reached that conclusion as this could have been several other countries...

I wasn't really comfortable stating this country and your reply wasn't all that helpful given the information I just revealed. I do take offense to the repeated suggestion of "get counseling" -- obviously I know this is something I need. But I'm in a state of shock right now and the events that have happened since his death and basically being shut out from the family have not helped me at all in the process of grief.

[Anonymous]

And I meant "continents" -- not countries. I know Africa is a continent. Sigh. I am exhausted mentally and physically by the weight of this grief. And I just feel like no one gets what I've gone through. This is a nightmare situation. To have private communication read by his family on top of losing him is hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I'm the PP who asked the questions, and thank you for not taking offense. It sounded like Africa to me, but all the other details you give (living with him 18+ months and talking to the hospital) do sound legitimate.

I'm really sorry OP. And I do think you can find counseling sooner than waiting 90 days, even if it isn't specifically "grief counseling." It sounds like you would benefit from it.

Why did you think it sounded like Africa? I don't really see why you reached that conclusion as this could have been several other countries...

I wasn't really comfortable stating this country and your reply wasn't all that helpful given the information I just revealed. I do take offense to the repeated suggestion of "get counseling" -- obviously I know this is something I need. But I'm in a state of shock right now and the events that have happened since his death and basically being shut out from the family have not helped me at all in the process of grief.

I'm sorry, what would have been a more helpful response? I tried to acknowledge that my concerns were off mark given that you lived with him for 18+ months, in country. I expressed condolences again, and then I encouraged you in the only support I could think of. I'm not sure why you're offended by the suggestions of counseling. It sounded like you wanted it but were denied because a counselor or organization said you needed to wait longer. My comment was only to suggest that the counselor/organization you talked to doesn't hold the key to the care and support you can get, you can find someone else who will absolutely let you start counseling sooner. But if you don't want to at this point, that's totally up to you - it just sounded like you wanted it but were blocked from it. It was intended to be encouraging.

What you are going through is trauma, and the way his family is treating you is awful, especially given you lived near them for so long! It's atrocious, and made harder by the fact that you can't participate in the normal mourning rituals. It sounds really hard, and I truly wish you the best in finding the support you need to cope and grieve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, Op. Please try to honor your fiance's memory by doing good and kind things on his behalf. Remember how he made you feel and try to keep that love alive.

Writing venomous notes to his family would only cause you regret. It's better not to let your mind think such negative thoughts.

Although sharing your grief with other people who also cared about your fiance at his funeral would have helped to give you closure, understand that his family may not have wanted to delay his service until you got there for a lot of different reasons that weren't strictly about you. Remember, they are grieving, too Maybe you could create an online memorial to your fiance expressing your love and fond memories of him (with pictures). It may surprise his parents to see the depth of your relationship together. Let them see the side to their son that you saw.

I'm so sorry for your loss.[/quote

Yes, they are grieving. But I was also grieving. And they held the service a month after he died.

They abused him horribly in life. I mean beaten with a belt type of abuse. He had constant flashbacks of this. I do feel venom toward them. I haven't stated one ill word toward them. His brother wrote me a horribly nasty email after he went through our private emails about a week after my fiance's death. His family caused him pain in life and have caused me pain since his death. His family was emotionally abusive to both of us when he was still alive. My fiance WANTED me to write a letter to his mother telling her off basically. That was his wish. I'm not saying I'll do it, but I cannot fully convey here the pain and grief these people caused both of us. They are downright evil. And no, there was NO REASON that I could not be there. There was no reason they couldn't have included me. That was not honoring him at all by leaving me out. I was the person who knew him better than anyone else. It is humiliating that all his extended family was there and I wasn't -- I knew all of these people. I didn't want my fiance to die and have other people think I didn't love him or that we were somehow finished. My absence at his memorial would have hurt my fiance deeply. And they couldn't save some of his ashes for me. That was their choice. I requested this. I feel like I'm just banging my head against a wall by writing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, op. You need to look out for you right now. Don’t read any more texts or emails. You have enough to cope with.

My fiance used to tell me all the time that when he was in a position to move off his parents' property that he wanted me to write his mother a letter describing in detail all the grief he caused both of us. He wanted to write the whole family off. There are times when I think I should do this because it was his wish. But I am just overcome with grief at the moment. Should I do it one day? I have so many mixed emotions. I feel like they didn't even respect what his wishes would have been in death. He would have wanted me at his memorial front and center. I begged his mother to let me help plan something. I even offered to pay for it. She acts like her grief is so much worse than mine. His family treated him like garbage. He was the scapegoat. He always told me about horrible memories of abuse he had at the hands of his parents.

OP again. That was meant to say "all the grief SHE caused both of us" (not he). Although his father was also horrible at times.

No, op. You need to walk away and let the past be in the past. He wouldn’t want you to engage in their toxicity. He would want you to move forward and be happy. Engaging with them will not bring you happiness

Yeah don’t engage further.

If, once you’ve healed a bit they reach out to you ina kind and respectful manner, you can decide to respond. Do not respond at all to rude messages. They are taking out their problems on you and there is no need for you to be a doormat.

[Anonymous]

Wow! How do you know he died? Maybe this is all a big hoax to get you out of his life and that is the reason they want every single thing back from you that links you together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I'm the PP who asked the questions, and thank you for not taking offense. It sounded like Africa to me, but all the other details you give (living with him 18+ months and talking to the hospital) do sound legitimate.

I'm really sorry OP. And I do think you can find counseling sooner than waiting 90 days, even if it isn't specifically "grief counseling." It sounds like you would benefit from it.

Why did you think it sounded like Africa? I don't really see why you reached that conclusion as this could have been several other countries...

I wasn't really comfortable stating this country and your reply wasn't all that helpful given the information I just revealed. I do take offense to the repeated suggestion of "get counseling" -- obviously I know this is something I need. But I'm in a state of shock right now and the events that have happened since his death and basically being shut out from the family have not helped me at all in the process of grief.

I'm sorry, what would have been a more helpful response? I tried to acknowledge that my concerns were off mark given that you lived with him for 18+ months, in country. I expressed condolences again, and then I encouraged you in the only support I could think of. I'm not sure why you're offended by the suggestions of counseling. It sounded like you wanted it but were denied because a counselor or organization said you needed to wait longer. My comment was only to suggest that the counselor/organization you talked to doesn't hold the key to the care and support you can get, you can find someone else who will absolutely let you start counseling sooner. But if you don't want to at this point, that's totally up to you - it just sounded like you wanted it but were blocked from it. It was intended to be encouraging.

What you are going through is trauma, and the way his family is treating you is awful, especially given you lived near them for so long! It's atrocious, and made harder by the fact that you can't participate in the normal mourning rituals. It sounds really hard, and I truly wish you the best in finding the support you need to cope and grieve.

Thank you. And sorry I misunderstood your intentions. I am just so overcome with grief right now. It's destroying me.

I am angry about a lot of things. LIke the fact that they couldn't just save a little bit of his ashes for me to sprinkle. He would have wanted that. I just kick myself. If we had been married already, I would have been the one to make all these decisions.

But also, my fiance was not even licensed. They allowed him to drive the car short distances from home. There are just so many things about how he died... I feel like all of this could have been prevented. We were arguing that day and I blame myself in some ways. I feel like the family blames me too. They read our emails and our argument was there. His mom made the comment that he seemed angry that day but didn't want to say what was bugging him. But honestly, he couldn't stand being around her so if he seemed angry, it might have been that he just didn't feel like being around her. I feel like she tried to bait me with that comment but I didn't take the bait.

[Anonymous]

As to why I thought it was a country in Africa, your story has several hallmarks of affinity scams - younger man/older woman (although certainly not a big spread), economic differential, him not being able to find work, him disappearing with a story that made no sense to you (a car accident in an unlikely place), and then his family reading your communication and stepping in to communicate with you. Affinity scams are most common in developing countries in Africa.

HOWEVER - given that you lived there for 18+ months, I don't think that anymore. It just had a ton of hallmarks of it, and that's why I asked. If you'd said you'd visited for 1 week once, I would have been more concerned than if you lived there.

It's all not relevant because your answers didn't confirm my worries, but if you had said you'd only visited once, you were sending him money, and you'd only heard about the death from his family - in addition to counseling, I would have suggested some other things to look into to see if you could get closure whether it was on his death or finding out it wasn't as you thought it was. Don't be offended by "sounded like Africa," it is nothing prejudice, just a simple fact of where other scams that have a lot of similar hallmarks occur.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow! How do you know he died? Maybe this is all a big hoax to get you out of his life and that is the reason they want every single thing back from you that links you together.

This was my first thought too. Something is off, and it sounds like his family wasn't happy about the relationship. Don't underestimate the weight of family expectations, *especially* in other cultures. Plenty of relationships have ended in the US because a family was against it, and the US has much much much less oppressive family expectations than most other countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I meant "continents" -- not countries. I know Africa is a continent. Sigh. I am exhausted mentally and physically by the weight of this grief. And I just feel like no one gets what I've gone through. This is a nightmare situation. To have private communication read by his family on top of losing him is hell.

You can't undo what his family saw on his computer. And I don't think it's that unusual for officials to require an autopsy when a person dies in a car crash. They don't just automatically assume that it was an accident and it is part of the death investigation.

His family probably hacked onto his computer in attempt to get other types of necessary information in order to settle his estate. Would seems like a huge invasion of your (and his) privacy may have been equally unexpected and shocking to them.

Try to find forgiveness, Op. Remember everything amazing about your fiance. Let his love live on in everything that you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, op. You need to look out for you right now. Don’t read any more texts or emails. You have enough to cope with.

My fiance used to tell me all the time that when he was in a position to move off his parents' property that he wanted me to write his mother a letter describing in detail all the grief he caused both of us. He wanted to write the whole family off. There are times when I think I should do this because it was his wish. But I am just overcome with grief at the moment. Should I do it one day? I have so many mixed emotions. I feel like they didn't even respect what his wishes would have been in death. He would have wanted me at his memorial front and center. I begged his mother to let me help plan something. I even offered to pay for it. She acts like her grief is so much worse than mine. His family treated him like garbage. He was the scapegoat. He always told me about horrible memories of abuse he had at the hands of his parents.

OP again. That was meant to say "all the grief SHE caused both of us" (not he). Although his father was also horrible at times.

No, op. You need to walk away and let the past be in the past. He wouldn’t want you to engage in their toxicity. He would want you to move forward and be happy. Engaging with them will not bring you happiness

Yeah don’t engage further.

If, once you’ve healed a bit they reach out to you ina kind and respectful manner, you can decide to respond. Do not respond at all to rude messages. They are taking out their problems on you and there is no need for you to be a doormat.

She requested that I send photos of him to her. I want a few of his clothing items. I don't want to send the photos, especially not until I get a couple of his clothes. Should I ask? I don't want to negotiate with her. She responds in rude ways and it feels like I'm talking to a robot who thinks she is the only one grieving him. I feel like she will have some excuse, like "His brothers got all of his clothes, I'm sure you can understand." At which point I will feel furious. I have photos, videos, and voice recordings of him. I am not just going to send them to her. Again, his family was awful to him. Should I ask for the clothes? I feel anxiety anytime I reply to her. I haven't replied to her last text in several days. I feel like now she wants to reach out to me and talk because everyone else has moved on and she knows I haven't and that I'm the one who knew him best. He lives on in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow! How do you know he died? Maybe this is all a big hoax to get you out of his life and that is the reason they want every single thing back from you that links you together.

This was my first thought too. Something is off, and it sounds like his family wasn't happy about the relationship. Don't underestimate the weight of family expectations, *especially* in other cultures. Plenty of relationships have ended in the US because a family was against it, and the US has much much much less oppressive family expectations than most other countries.

Why wouldn't her fiance be contacting Op, though? If he's still alive, he is still engaged to her and anticipating getting married and starting a family with her.

Do you think he's being held captive by his family somewhere against his will? That doesn't seem very likely...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And I meant "continents" -- not countries. I know Africa is a continent. Sigh. I am exhausted mentally and physically by the weight of this grief. And I just feel like no one gets what I've gone through. This is a nightmare situation. To have private communication read by his family on top of losing him is hell.

You can't undo what his family saw on his computer. And I don't think it's that unusual for officials to require an autopsy when a person dies in a car crash. They don't just automatically assume that it was an accident and it is part of the death investigation.

His family probably hacked onto his computer in attempt to get other types of necessary information in order to settle his estate. Would seems like a huge invasion of your (and his) privacy may have been equally unexpected and shocking to them.

Try to find forgiveness, Op. Remember everything amazing about your fiance. Let his love live on in everything that you do.

You're totally missing the poiint. Unless you've lost the person you're in love with, you wouldn't understand. I know medically why it was necessary. The reality of having his body sliced open and all his internal organs taken out including his brain is painful for me as the woman who loved this man. My future husband the father of my children - that's who he was supposed to be. I get frustrated trying to express myself because of comments like yours.