My fiance died recently in a car accident

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry, Op. Please try to honor your fiance's memory by doing good and kind things on his behalf. Remember how he made you feel and try to keep that love alive.

Writing venomous notes to his family would only cause you regret. It's better not to let your mind think such negative thoughts.

Although sharing your grief with other people who also cared about your fiance at his funeral would have helped to give you closure, understand that his family may not have wanted to delay his service until you got there for a lot of different reasons that weren't strictly about you. Remember, they are grieving, too Maybe you could create an online memorial to your fiance expressing your love and fond memories of him (with pictures). It may surprise his parents to see the depth of your relationship together. Let them see the side to their son that you saw.

I'm so sorry for your loss.[/quote

Yes, they are grieving. But I was also grieving. And they held the service a month after he died.

They abused him horribly in life. I mean beaten with a belt type of abuse. He had constant flashbacks of this. I do feel venom toward them. I haven't stated one ill word toward them. His brother wrote me a horribly nasty email after he went through our private emails about a week after my fiance's death. His family caused him pain in life and have caused me pain since his death. His family was emotionally abusive to both of us when he was still alive. My fiance WANTED me to write a letter to his mother telling her off basically. That was his wish. I'm not saying I'll do it, but I cannot fully convey here the pain and grief these people caused both of us. They are downright evil. And no, there was NO REASON that I could not be there. There was no reason they couldn't have included me. That was not honoring him at all by leaving me out. I was the person who knew him better than anyone else. It is humiliating that all his extended family was there and I wasn't -- I knew all of these people. I didn't want my fiance to die and have other people think I didn't love him or that we were somehow finished. My absence at his memorial would have hurt my fiance deeply. And they couldn't save some of his ashes for me. That was their choice. I requested this. I feel like I'm just banging my head against a wall by writing here.

Then his family members were not the people who loved him and you were probably better off not being at that memorial service with them. They abused their power and excluded their son's one and only love from his funeral service. They appear to be exactly the type of people that your fiance always said that they were. You are much, much better off without them in your life. It's o.k. to shut that door. You don't need their negativity on top of everything else.

As the other poster suggested, you were the one who loved him. You should plan your own private memorial to him and honor him in a way that would have been meaningful to both you and him. Once again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

They can’t take anything from you that you are not willing to give them. Put them out of your thoughts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree with you to a point, but I feel like I want them to know what pain they caused him during his life. He always told me he wanted me to do this one day when he was finally out of there and living away from them. I don't mean that I would do it now or anytime soon. I want them to know the pain they caused him. I want them to know how they disrespected what his final wishes would have been. They are so toxic. But in their minds they think they are totally normal and nice people.

They're not going to just start believing it because you tell them. These people have their own narrative of their family story and you are an outsider who will only be subjected to more hurt and abuse if you try to communicate these things to them. You said they think they are totally normal and nice people. You can't change that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't get mad at me. I don't mean to sound insensitive. But, are you sure he died? Do you have proof?

Not OP, but did you READ the thread to this point? OP addressed this thought multiple times. It doesn’t help to have to deal with the grief of someone passing away suddenly, then have others nonchalantly suggest maybe the grief is unwarranted because the deceased isn’t deceased. That is insensitive, OP has rehashed enough. At this point future posters need to help OP with the grieving process, or move on to another thread. I’m frustrated for her. Get it together DCUM.

The grief is not unwarranted. However, if the family is so evil then it stands to reason that they may have cooked something nefarious. Since OP did not see the dead body she cannot confirm or deny the death. A phone call chat with a medical examiner seems strange. Why have an autopsy when the person died in a car crash? Sounds very shady. Even if he is dead, what is to say that some foul play was not involved. Anonymous internet posters do not have the burden of familiarity and emotions. We can be clear-eyed and blunt about suggesting other scenarios too. Now it all depends what the OP has bandwidth for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Thank you, I agree with you completely. It was a mistake for me to post here. I know my situation is unusual but you would think that after I explained I actually spoke to doctors who confirmed my fiance's death, that people wouldn't be so ignorant and insensitive to keep speculating that he's being held captive or that something "fishy" is going on. Grief is a very lonely island in the situation I'm in. Pretty much no one understands what I'm going through because most families don't act the way my fiance's family does. They made his life hell and are now doing it to me because he isn't around anymore.

They are continuing to make your life hell because you are allowing it. These people are on a different continent, they only have any relation to your day to day life because you allow it. Cut them off; your life connected to them died when your fiance died. Be done with them.

You cannot erase the past. You cannot change that they invaded your privacy, so just become no one to them. You're going to be hurting and grieving and upset regardless. So don't pour more salt on the wound by continuing contact with these people. Deal with your hurt and your life without them.

[Anonymous]

OP, no matter what you do or say, they aren't suddenly going to realize how much they're hurt you and your late fiance and become remorseful. That's not how abusers work. The only thing you can do is block them and focus on moving on with your life. It sounds like your fiance dreamed of a life where he was free of them, I bet it's what he would want most for you, and you can achieve that in his memory.

[Anonymous]

I'm so very sorry for you OP.

You will always have his soul and your memories with you. His family can never take that away from you.

I'm sorry that you have no one to grieve with. Part of the grieving process is to come together with all the people who loved him and grieve together. It's not fair for you.

Since his family is so toxic, I think you need to sever all ties with him. It will only cause you more hurt to deal with them.

Focus on your own well-being and healing. As soon as possible, get a counselor and find a loss support group. Are you any religion, if so, go to your priest, pastor, rabbi, etc, they can help you.

[Anonymous]

Sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

What kind of job or life allows one to travel for six months at a time, multiple times over a couple years?

Why would you want to move there, with his toxic family, instead of coming to the US and making your life here?

[Anonymous]

I'd send them copies of the photos and then not contact them again. Take the high road but exit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of job or life allows one to travel for six months at a time, multiple times over a couple years?

Why would you want to move there, with his toxic family, instead of coming to the US and making your life here?

Next OP is going to say she's independently wealthy. Something is very off. Op reminds me of those women who get used on 90 day fiance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of job or life allows one to travel for six months at a time, multiple times over a couple years?

Why would you want to move there, with his toxic family, instead of coming to the US and making your life here?

Next OP is going to say she's independently wealthy. Something is very off. Op reminds me of those women who get used on 90 day fiance

I agree. I think she’s either fibbing or trolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't get mad at me. I don't mean to sound insensitive. But, are you sure he died? Do you have proof?

Not OP, but did you READ the thread to this point? OP addressed this thought multiple times. It doesn’t help to have to deal with the grief of someone passing away suddenly, then have others nonchalantly suggest maybe the grief is unwarranted because the deceased isn’t deceased. That is insensitive, OP has rehashed enough. At this point future posters need to help OP with the grieving process, or move on to another thread. I’m frustrated for her. Get it together DCUM.

The grief is not unwarranted. However, if the family is so evil then it stands to reason that they may have cooked something nefarious. Since OP did not see the dead body she cannot confirm or deny the death. A phone call chat with a medical examiner seems strange. Why have an autopsy when the person died in a car crash? Sounds very shady. Even if he is dead, what is to say that some foul play was not involved. Anonymous internet posters do not have the burden of familiarity and emotions. We can be clear-eyed and blunt about suggesting other scenarios too. Now it all depends what the OP has bandwidth for.

This. And since when is someone obligated to read the entire thread before responding?

[Anonymous]

1. Stop interacting with his family. Block their numbers, ignore any reaching out they do.
2. Find a way to grieve here, in your own way. I'm Jewish, and in my family when someone dies we have a tree planted in Israel in their memory. You could do that, name a star after him, whatever feels right for you.
3. Stop reaching out to people who are unsupportive. Mourn that you don't have the relationships with them that you wish you had, and surround yourself with friendly, supportive people.
4. I'm so sorry for your loss. 25 sure is young to die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of job or life allows one to travel for six months at a time, multiple times over a couple years?

Why would you want to move there, with his toxic family, instead of coming to the US and making your life here?

Next OP is going to say she's independently wealthy. Something is very off. Op reminds me of those women who get used on 90 day fiance

I agree. I think she’s either fibbing or trolling.

I don't think she's trolling. I think it's a mix of 2 things.

1. He was trolling. I bet when it actually came time to move down there, he would have started insisting on coming to the states. Probably smart enough not to make it seem like he was just with her for a green card

2. I imagine OP suffers from low self esteem given her posts here as well as the situation. Sounds a little immature for a 30 year old too. She probably was naive enough and also desperately wanted to believe everything he said to her that she just went along with it.