Tell me about separating and divorcing with a young baby
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Anonymous
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Our marriage was circling the drain, then I became pregnant, and the baby is now five months old. We are both madly in love with this child. My husband is hard-working and does more than his fair share of household work. He's not entirely comfortable caring for the baby but does his best. But he has anger problems. When he is frustrated and feels overwhelmed (which happens easily), he lashes out - particularly at me. Trembles with fury. Yells (though he calls it "raising the decibel level of my voice - not yelling"). He lives at a fast pace and has very little patience for others who move more slowly. If I'm taking too long to get in the car/get the baby ready to leave the house/do anything, really, when he's in one of his moods, he rushes me in such a nasty way it makes my stomach seize up. He is aggressive and confrontational, which has caused some problems with members of my close-knit family. He's never hit me or threatened to but when he's angry he behaves in a menacing way. I know at the end of the day it's abuse, even though he's not controlling at all.
I don't take it lying down. I react and get upset and hold him accountable for his behavior. And he thinks that's unfair. He either doesn't think he's behaving inappropriately or doesn't think I should take it so hard. I am a sensitive person, but this shit is unacceptable. We have had sex in over a year. I had the pregnancy as an excuse, and then healing from birth, but the truth is that he's never nice to me for a long enough stretch of time that I start to feel emotionally safe enough to want him near me. So now we have this beautiful child and every time we have an "episode," even though he doesn't do it in front of the baby, I'm thinking of (a) the example that's being set for our kid about how a man treats a woman; (b) the example being set about how to behave and handle frustration; and (c) the inevitable day when my husband becomes frustrated and makes our child feel as anxious and small as he sometimes makes me feel. And while I may not have respected myself enough to leave him in all this time, I do feel I need to protect my child. My husband was out of town for a night and I got taste of single motherhood. I already do most of the child care but still, it was HARD. I know I'd struggle financially if we divorced. (I work full-time but I'm not a super high earner.) We just bought a new home right before the baby was born, and I don't think I can afford it on my own. The baby ADORES Daddy; just beams at him. I feel so trapped. SO... if you had similar such marital problems and you divorced - whether you were the husband or the wife, the cause of the breakup or the aggrieved party - what does the aftermath look like? |
Anonymous
| Similar boat but we stayed married. Things are peaceful, but we have no emotional intimacy. No great choices. |
Anonymous
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It seems like you're using the "set an example" theory to show that his bad behaviors justify divorce. But unless you're 100% certain you'll never have to leave him alone with your child, that's how he's going to treat the child during his custody time. The stress of being on his own with the child for long periods of time will be too much for him.
Sorry you're in this position, it totally sucks. But if he's awful enough to divorce, can you really leave your child with him? |
Anonymous
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It is hard to know if he is abusive or if it is frustration and impatience and you two have a really unhealthy dynamic. Withholding / refusing sex for a year in a marriage is a sign that you are just as frustrated but express it a little differently. Both of you are trying to get power and control where you can. Just a guess but he might also feel you are never or rarely nice to him either.
It will be hard but unless you are going to go to counseling and work through it and develop better communication and a healthier way of relating - divorce is really your only option as you can't both live like this in a resentful, sexless marriage. |
Anonymous
OP here - I don't think of it as withholding, I just really don't want to do it. I'm afraid of him, always walking on eggshells. I think he does lately feel like I'm not nice to him either. I used to be sweet and make effort to be kind to him no matter what, but after a while his behavior wore me down and now I find I'm becoming more and more like him. |
Anonymous
| Have you tried marital counseling? That should be a first step. |
Anonymous
| I bet there are two sides to this story. You strike me as very passive aggressive, OP. |
Anonymous
Maybe I am. I don't mean to be. We did try counseling. It really wasn't working; the therapist kept trying to explain that his behavior was a problem and he resisted and resisted. I was gathering the courage to leave when I found out I was pregnant. |
Anonymous
| Why why why would you make a baby with this man?! |
Anonymous
Yep. And you need to admit your part in this dynamic. |
Anonymous
| He probably grew up in a home where this was normal. I did. You don’t realize how jarring the yelling and raging is for others. Even now that I’m aware of it I fall into these old habits, esp when I’m overwhelmed. It’s not an excuse. Msybevcougaeliing etc could help, but he has to recognize it as a problem. If he doesn’t I’m not sure there’s much you can do. |
Anonymous
| ^ maybe counseling * |
Anonymous
We were told we couldn't have children (after trying for quite a while) so it was not planned. The fertility issues were definitely a factor in our strained relationship but the problems had existed before any of that came up. |
Anonymous
He did - you are right. His father was exactly like this, and his mother has a temper too. But there was a lot of yelling in my own house growing up too, and it impacted me differently. I am all too aware of how jarring it is and it's not "normal" to me. maybe I am too sensitive. |
Anonymous
What the hell did OP say to make you think that? |