Tell me about separating and divorcing with a young baby

[Anonymous]

Try googling coparent ingredients reality or challenges. For example I got this:

https://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1872253

Anecdotally I know someone who separated with a 15 month old. The ex will be in this person's life forever, they underestimated the everyday reality of that. You can't not communicate while coparenting.

[Anonymous]

Tell him you are unhappy with his behavior. Try a in house separation.

[Anonymous]

I separated in house when the baby was 6 months. Moved out a year later after failed counseling attempts, etc. Haven’t looked back,my daughter has spent more of her life with me as a single mom (he chose to cut and run once he realized I wasn’t coming back) than as a baby with two married parents. Honestly part of what prompted me to leave soon was because I knew she would be too young to remember much, and I realized we would never last with the traits we had tough moments! None bad enough to make me go back. When you are leaving abuse, the bright side is there is no where to go but up. Most of my friends have no idea how abusive he was. I still don’t talk much about it.

Get a separation agreement in place. When you leave the and the power dynamic changes, prepare for an emotional explosion. Try to mitigate that risk as best you can. Get a good support system in place for you as an individual (sitter, therapist, playgroups, online groups, we ) because that will help during moments of isolation and co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I spent the day feeling good about my decision to get back into the groove of a sex life, and hopefully build some good will in my marriage. But we came home and there was a flood in our kitchen and, while we got it all sorted out, the stress (which he never handles well) left him again speaking to me with such hostility. I would ask a simple, innocent question and be answered with contempt. I'm realizing that this will never get better. Not until our marriage is dead and gone, and he no longer has me and only sees his beloved child every other weekend. And of course, he will move on and marry again, maybe be a better man with his new wife, and I will spend the rest of my life alone because, after all of this time and stress, I am no longer young and beautiful. I'll eek out a living without saving a penny and struggle to give my kid a decent life. I feel so defeated right now.

Please tell me I can still turn this ship around. Do I just kill him with kindness? Will that inspire him to treat me as a sounding board instead of an emotional punching bag?

Right now I feel like calling his mother and asking her why, why, why did she raise him to think this is normal?

Why on earth do you think this will be the custody arrangement? Go get a consult with a few lawyers.

[Anonymous]

Not until our marriage is dead and gone, and he no longer has me and only sees his beloved child every other weekend. And of course, he will move on and marry again, maybe be a better man with his new wife, and I will spend the rest of my life alone because, after all of this time and stress, I am no longer young and beautiful. I'll eek out a living without saving a penny and struggle to give my kid a decent life. I feel so defeated right now.

This is unlikely to be the custody arrangement unless that is all that he wants to see his child.

Also, you have no idea who you may or may not meet in the future. Maybe you'll meet someone else, maybe you won't. That shouldn't be what guides your decision.

[Anonymous]

I would do everything I could to stay together. It takes two people to fight and I doubt you’re perfect. Your life most likely won’t be any better apart and you’re going to be involved with him forever as a result of your child. Not to mention your husband will get decent custody and you’ll have to live without your baby possibly 50 percent of the time.

I’d do a Hail Mary and be as nice as possible to him. Quit fighting. Be pleasant. Help him out. Listen to him. Have sex. See what happens. See if his behavior changes. I realize this isn’t the fair thing to do since it seems like he has been mean to you, but it might be the smart thing to do.

A divorce and custody battle with a young child is not a joke. Don’t make light of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

You know what is so funny about you simpleton men? You think we have a low sex drive. We don't. We have a very high sex drive, but just not for you. My sex drive and most of my friends are THROUGH THE ROOF from our late 30s to early 50s.

Believe me when I tell you, it is not me, it's you. Oh and if you think we are not having affairs, you are WRONG. We are just not as stupid as you. We cover our tracks and don't get caught. We know we need to get our kids through the critical years before we can ditch the dead weight. Women initiate 70% of divorces.

You are a typical man, your arrogance had rendered you dumb and dumber, but just remember, our sex drive is probably way more than yours, we just aren't into you.

Actually men know full well that our wife's interest in sex quickly drops for us but remains high for other men. So what? Just means I am more desired by random married women versus my own wife. I am OK with that and seems like it's NOT really me after all! So if my wife (despite her low interest) fails to keep up, I have lots of options to be the sexy "other man" for horny women like you and your friends. Digits please.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would do everything I could to stay together. It takes two people to fight and I doubt you’re perfect. Your life most likely won’t be any better apart and you’re going to be involved with him forever as a result of your child. Not to mention your husband will get decent custody and you’ll have to live without your baby possibly 50 percent of the time.

I’d do a Hail Mary and be as nice as possible to him. Quit fighting. Be pleasant. Help him out. Listen to him. Have sex. See what happens. See if his behavior changes. I realize this isn’t the fair thing to do since it seems like he has been mean to you, but it might be the smart thing to do.

A divorce and custody battle with a young child is not a joke. Don’t make light of it.

Actually, parents and children in high conflict marriages do better after divorce. And earlier is probably better, in order to keep the child from a toxic atmosphere. However it does sound like OP will get only 50% custody which is something to think about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our marriage was circling the drain, then I became pregnant, and the baby is now five months old. We are both madly in love with this child. My husband is hard-working and does more than his fair share of household work. He's not entirely comfortable caring for the baby but does his best. But he has anger problems. When he is frustrated and feels overwhelmed (which happens easily), he lashes out - particularly at me. Trembles with fury. Yells (though he calls it "raising the decibel level of my voice - not yelling"). He lives at a fast pace and has very little patience for others who move more slowly. If I'm taking too long to get in the car/get the baby ready to leave the house/do anything, really, when he's in one of his moods, he rushes me in such a nasty way it makes my stomach seize up. He is aggressive and confrontational, which has caused some problems with members of my close-knit family. He's never hit me or threatened to but when he's angry he behaves in a menacing way. I know at the end of the day it's abuse, even though he's not controlling at all.

I don't take it lying down. I react and get upset and hold him accountable for his behavior. And he thinks that's unfair. He either doesn't think he's behaving inappropriately or doesn't think I should take it so hard. I am a sensitive person, but this shit is unacceptable. We have had sex in over a year. I had the pregnancy as an excuse, and then healing from birth, but the truth is that he's never nice to me for a long enough stretch of time that I start to feel emotionally safe enough to want him near me.

So now we have this beautiful child and every time we have an "episode," even though he doesn't do it in front of the baby, I'm thinking of (a) the example that's being set for our kid about how a man treats a woman; (b) the example being set about how to behave and handle frustration; and (c) the inevitable day when my husband becomes frustrated and makes our child feel as anxious and small as he sometimes makes me feel. And while I may not have respected myself enough to leave him in all this time, I do feel I need to protect my child.

My husband was out of town for a night and I got taste of single motherhood. I already do most of the child care but still, it was HARD. I know I'd struggle financially if we divorced. (I work full-time but I'm not a super high earner.) We just bought a new home right before the baby was born, and I don't think I can afford it on my own. The baby ADORES Daddy; just beams at him. I feel so trapped.

SO... if you had similar such marital problems and you divorced - whether you were the husband or the wife, the cause of the breakup or the aggrieved party - what does the aftermath look like?

Nothing you described sounds like abuse. It sounds like he is frustrated and isn’t perfect. It sounds like he needs to work on how he communicates with you. I doubt there are any couples out there who haven’t struggled with a young child in the house.

Also, what is he typically getting angry about? Is it reasonable he’s upset? Is he allowed to get upset without you saying he’s abusive or are you the only one allowed to get upset? You say below that you react and get upset. He could probably say the same about you.

You need to do a 180 and get some perspective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would do everything I could to stay together. It takes two people to fight and I doubt you’re perfect. Your life most likely won’t be any better apart and you’re going to be involved with him forever as a result of your child. Not to mention your husband will get decent custody and you’ll have to live without your baby possibly 50 percent of the time.

I’d do a Hail Mary and be as nice as possible to him. Quit fighting. Be pleasant. Help him out. Listen to him. Have sex. See what happens. See if his behavior changes. I realize this isn’t the fair thing to do since it seems like he has been mean to you, but it might be the smart thing to do.

A divorce and custody battle with a young child is not a joke. Don’t make light of it.

Actually, parents and children in high conflict marriages do better after divorce. And earlier is probably better, in order to keep the child from a toxic atmosphere. However it does sound like OP will get only 50% custody which is something to think about.

OP may be a high conflict person. There’s no guarantee she’ll do any better. She’ll probably be trading one set of problems for another and only get to see her child half the time.

If I were OP I’d do my best to get along and kill him with kindness.

[Anonymous]

It is absolutely abuse. You need to leave, asap.

Fight for full custody too. Don't leave your baby alone with him. The way he expresses anger is abusive towards others.

[Anonymous]

I'm amazed that all ya'll posters are telling this poor woman to stay with a man who she says SCARES her regularly!!!!!

OP get out now.

[Anonymous]

This whole thread is a great example of women saying that every time a guy raises his voice it's abuse. How many marriages would survive if that's how everyone thought about it? Not too many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is a great example of women saying that every time a guy raises his voice it's abuse. How many marriages would survive if that's how everyone thought about it? Not too many.

Rejecting sex for a year (while expecting monogamy) is abusive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

You know what is so funny about you simpleton men? You think we have a low sex drive. We don't. We have a very high sex drive, but just not for you. My sex drive and most of my friends are THROUGH THE ROOF from our late 30s to early 50s.

Believe me when I tell you, it is not me, it's you. Oh and if you think we are not having affairs, you are WRONG. We are just not as stupid as you. We cover our tracks and don't get caught. We know we need to get our kids through the critical years before we can ditch the dead weight. Women initiate 70% of divorces.

You are a typical man, your arrogance had rendered you dumb and dumber, but just remember, our sex drive is probably way more than yours, we just aren't into you.

Actually men know full well that our wife's interest in sex quickly drops for us but remains high for other men. So what? Just means I am more desired by random married women versus my own wife. I am OK with that and seems like it's NOT really me after all! So if my wife (despite her low interest) fails to keep up, I have lots of options to be the sexy "other man" for horny women like you and your friends. Digits please.

It is you. If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, it's because...you. you have major character flaws and are basically unfuc%able.