Tell me about separating and divorcing with a young baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to know if he is abusive or if it is frustration and impatience and you two have a really unhealthy dynamic. Withholding / refusing sex for a year in a marriage is a sign that you are just as frustrated but express it a little differently. Both of you are trying to get power and control where you can. Just a guess but he might also feel you are never or rarely nice to him either.

It will be hard but unless you are going to go to counseling and work through it and develop better communication and a healthier way of relating - divorce is really your only option as you can't both live like this in a resentful, sexless marriage.

OP here - I don't think of it as withholding, I just really don't want to do it. I'm afraid of him, always walking on eggshells. I think he does lately feel like I'm not nice to him either. I used to be sweet and make effort to be kind to him no matter what, but after a while his behavior wore me down and now I find I'm becoming more and more like him.

Call it what you want but your husband didn't likely anticipate a sexless marriage / dead bedroom situation. That is a pretty big revelation for a man to find out about his marriage / wife and typically leads to resentment and frustration. Did you have sex just to get pregnant because you wanted a baby before you left him? Was he on board with having a child?

This sounds like a marriage of two bitter resentful people who don't really like each other anymore and don't treat each other well. Divorce sounds like a good option as the child isn't going to make things better.

Can you read? They were told they were infertile. If you think you're infertile, it's unlikely you have sex just to try to get pregnant. That's not how the world works. Also, being afraid of your partner is not really conducive to intimacy.

[Anonymous]

can you film him? Play for a therapist? Play for divorce court? In VA I think it's legal to record "your own conversation".

That's a terrible environment to raise a child but, if he gets visitation or custody, imagine your kid dealing with him without you!

[Anonymous]

When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I bet there are two sides to this story. You strike me as very passive aggressive, OP.

Seriously, there are not two sides to this story. The behavior OP describes is verbal abuse. No one deserves to be verbally abused. No matter how angry a person is, that doesn't justify yelling and losing one's temper on a regular basis.

Stop justifying abuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet there are two sides to this story. You strike me as very passive aggressive, OP.

Seriously, there are not two sides to this story. The behavior OP describes is verbal abuse. No one deserves to be verbally abused. No matter how angry a person is, that doesn't justify yelling and losing one's temper on a regular basis.

Stop justifying abuse.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

Woah. I'm a NP with 2 kids and the most I've ever taken off from sex is 8 weeks. Sure, not everyone is like me but it's not normal to refuse sex for an entire pregnancy. Labor only takes a few days at most and most women are cleared for sex 4-8 weeks after delivery. Do you struggle with math or accountability?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

Woah. I'm a NP with 2 kids and the most I've ever taken off from sex is 8 weeks. Sure, not everyone is like me but it's not normal to refuse sex for an entire pregnancy. Labor only takes a few days at most and most women are cleared for sex 4-8 weeks after delivery. Do you struggle with math or accountability?

You've said it better than anyone.

But by all means, continue seeing sex as something for which you are accountable to someone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

DH and I haven't had any for a couple of years at one point and the marriage is good and well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

Woah. I'm a NP with 2 kids and the most I've ever taken off from sex is 8 weeks. Sure, not everyone is like me but it's not normal to refuse sex for an entire pregnancy. Labor only takes a few days at most and most women are cleared for sex 4-8 weeks after delivery. Do you struggle with math or accountability?

You've said it better than anyone.

But by all means, continue seeing sex as something for which you are accountable to someone.

No, accountable for your part in the decline of your marriage if you refuse sex on the basis of being pregnant like that's a normal thing.

I'd hate to be your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

Woah. I'm a NP with 2 kids and the most I've ever taken off from sex is 8 weeks. Sure, not everyone is like me but it's not normal to refuse sex for an entire pregnancy. Labor only takes a few days at most and most women are cleared for sex 4-8 weeks after delivery. Do you struggle with math or accountability?

You've said it better than anyone.

But by all means, continue seeing sex as something for which you are accountable to someone.

No, accountable for your part in the decline of your marriage if you refuse sex on the basis of being pregnant like that's a normal thing.

I'd hate to be your spouse.

Who cares? I'm married already, and polygamy is illegal in this country, so I'm not looking to add to the stable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
But by all means, continue seeing sex as something for which you are accountable to someone.

Sex is something to be accounted for in a fruitful, happy marriage. How many divorces do you have under your belt these days?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

I did not miss that bit. Yes, I would expect some form of sex within a year's time if she expects to remain married. She has instead decided to abandon the marriage and should not be surprised with their divorce.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t read all the replies, but I could’ve written this 6 years ago. Having a baby is so so stressful. We still have our bumps, but he is so full of hot air. When he is ranting I laugh and he eventually does too.

No real advice, but maybe take a weekend away. Maybe a girls weekend. Or time for yourself to think clearly.

My husband is a dick sometimes,’but he’s a great dad and loyal husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

I did not miss that bit. Yes, I would expect some form of sex within a year's time if she expects to remain married. She has instead decided to abandon the marriage and should not be surprised with their divorce.

He's emotionally volatile and she doesn't feel close enough to him to have sex. She's not withholding sex just because. She can't bring herself to have sex with someone who is aggressive towards her. Pretty normal.