Tell me about separating and divorcing with a young baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Nobody is having an affair. You'll just have to trust me on this one. I married him because he was the most honest person I'd ever known - for better or for worse - and infidelity is not in his DNA. I'm not saying he doesn't want to. But he's not. I haven't cheated on him because I know it's the one thing he would never do to me. He may be an asshole sometimes, but he's faithful.

I think I'm going to try and prioritize sex, even though I'm f'ing exhausted, and hope that it inspires a renewed sense of intimacy in him that will in turn make him (a) less stressed and (b) less inclined to treat me like an emotional punching bag.

Also, to reiterate: He has never been physically abuse to me. His outbursts can feel like a punch sometimes, but he has never hit me or broken anything (except my emotional trust in him).

I am the man who posted at 20:24 above. Good for you, OP. You are going in the right direction getting closer to him. My own experience has been, and I think it is true for most men (and probably most people, women too), that if you want to change behavior you need to get closer to someone, not more distant. Make sure to communicate and ask directly for your own needs -- make clear that his angry outbursts, if he keeps them up, will kill your ability to be close to him -- but do it by appealing to his better nature and the love you share, not by expressing contempt and distancing yourself. If you distance yourself emotionally you're just divorcing in slow motion because it won't solve anything. He's not magically going to change his behavior because you withdraw and become more hostile.

Easier to give advice then to take it. I didn't do this, and my wife didn't either, and it cost us. But you guys can. It's clear from your posts that you still have some respect and love for him at some level so act on it while you still have it and try to work with him to be his better self.

Oh, and probably stay off DCUM. Too many women here will tell you to put the worst possible spin on everything he does and to distance yourself at every opportunity, and too many men will just jeer at you for not putting out. Fun like watching a train wreck but not exactly healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

Woah. I'm a NP with 2 kids and the most I've ever taken off from sex is 8 weeks. Sure, not everyone is like me but it's not normal to refuse sex for an entire pregnancy. Labor only takes a few days at most and most women are cleared for sex 4-8 weeks after delivery. Do you struggle with math or accountability?

You've said it better than anyone.

But by all means, continue seeing sex as something for which you are accountable to someone.

No, accountable for your part in the decline of your marriage if you refuse sex on the basis of being pregnant like that's a normal thing.

I'd hate to be your spouse.

I was on bedrest, had Incompetent Cervix, a cerclage, and doctors said no sex, no exercise, no baths for the entire pregnancy. Guess what? He cheated.
Just saying. There are lots of circumstances that aren't normal. Not saying PP experienced this, but there are circumstances where marriages go without sex for pregnancy, medical treatments, chemo, depression etc. -- and while it may pose a new problem, it shouldn't be a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you buy a new house if your marriage was "circling the drain"?

We bought it when I was (very) pregnant. Our previous home didn't have space for a third (or even the two of us, for that matter).

To the women who stayed and are emotionally disconnected: Do your husbands realize it? And if so, do they realize why? And do they understand the cause and effect of their behavior?

I'm not a woman but I'm a husband of a woman who has emotionally disconnected in that way. Yes, I realize it, it's hard to miss, between the no sex and constant low-level hostility and contempt. Yes, I understand there's a connection to my behavior, but I wonder if she understands there's also a connection to her behavior. And just like she's too angry to reach out to me to fix the problem by behaving better, I feel too angry to reach out to her in the same way.

Either you're willing to deal with marital situations as being the joint responsibility of two people or you're headed for divorce. Likely our destination.

Contempt and hostility are emotions. In other words, you're still very much connected emotionally. By contempt and hostility.

I think emotional disconnection comes from making peace with the situation to the point of not feeling negatively about it. When you say it is what it is, you disconnect. Maybe you can even focus on the positives, i.e. your child is happy and not torn between two households and two sets of parents and siblings, your assets are intact, you have the convenience of living with another human being who will administer Heimlich or call 911 if need be etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

Ha, shows how little you know about women. Women enjoy sex. They just aren't acculturated to believe they MUST have it or deserve to have it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

Ha, shows how little you know about women. Women enjoy sex. They just aren't acculturated to believe they MUST have it or deserve to have it.

Ha, shows how little you know about men. Our "must have it" drive is biological, not cultural. "Deserve" is a loaded term that applies to many things. For example, nobody deserves to get or stay married. As to sex, no man (even married) deserves sex from any specific women (even his wife) on any specific occasion. However, a man deserves opportunity to find a willing sexual partner. If married, we'd expect his wife would (with some reasonable frequency) be a willing partner. Like you said, women enjoy sex. But if she's never a willing partner, most men consider that a complete dealbreaker for the whole relationship. The marital agreement for monogamy is (in large part) premised on the partner's ongoing participation in an active sex life. If you change those operating rules, don't be surprised when your man changes other rules. For example, reject sex for a whole year and see what happens. You already know my guess.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I spent the day feeling good about my decision to get back into the groove of a sex life, and hopefully build some good will in my marriage. But we came home and there was a flood in our kitchen and, while we got it all sorted out, the stress (which he never handles well) left him again speaking to me with such hostility. I would ask a simple, innocent question and be answered with contempt. I'm realizing that this will never get better. Not until our marriage is dead and gone, and he no longer has me and only sees his beloved child every other weekend. And of course, he will move on and marry again, maybe be a better man with his new wife, and I will spend the rest of my life alone because, after all of this time and stress, I am no longer young and beautiful. I'll eek out a living without saving a penny and struggle to give my kid a decent life. I feel so defeated right now.

Please tell me I can still turn this ship around. Do I just kill him with kindness? Will that inspire him to treat me as a sounding board instead of an emotional punching bag?

Right now I feel like calling his mother and asking her why, why, why did she raise him to think this is normal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

Ha, shows how little you know about women. Women enjoy sex. They just aren't acculturated to believe they MUST have it or deserve to have it.

Ha, shows how little you know about men. Our "must have it" drive is biological, not cultural. "Deserve" is a loaded term that applies to many things. For example, nobody deserves to get or stay married. As to sex, no man (even married) deserves sex from any specific women (even his wife) on any specific occasion. However, a man deserves opportunity to find a willing sexual partner. If married, we'd expect his wife would (with some reasonable frequency) be a willing partner. Like you said, women enjoy sex. But if she's never a willing partner, most men consider that a complete dealbreaker for the whole relationship. The marital agreement for monogamy is (in large part) premised on the partner's ongoing participation in an active sex life. If you change those operating rules, don't be surprised when your man changes other rules. For example, reject sex for a whole year and see what happens. You already know my guess.

If you're a hostile, aggressive asshole, don't be surprised if your wife stops sleeping with you. And don't be surprised when things go very badly for you when you blow up your marriage. Women like sex; but not with hostile assholes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

Ha, shows how little you know about women. Women enjoy sex. They just aren't acculturated to believe they MUST have it or deserve to have it.

Wow, you have lost all perspective. A marriage without sex isn’t really a marriage. And I am not a man.

Op, if you don’t want to divorce, you need to find ways for the two of you to rebuild intimacy. There is no future for the marriage without that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I spent the day feeling good about my decision to get back into the groove of a sex life, and hopefully build some good will in my marriage. But we came home and there was a flood in our kitchen and, while we got it all sorted out, the stress (which he never handles well) left him again speaking to me with such hostility. I would ask a simple, innocent question and be answered with contempt. I'm realizing that this will never get better. Not until our marriage is dead and gone, and he no longer has me and only sees his beloved child every other weekend. And of course, he will move on and marry again, maybe be a better man with his new wife, and I will spend the rest of my life alone because, after all of this time and stress, I am no longer young and beautiful. I'll eek out a living without saving a penny and struggle to give my kid a decent life. I feel so defeated right now.

Please tell me I can still turn this ship around. Do I just kill him with kindness? Will that inspire him to treat me as a sounding board instead of an emotional punching bag?

Right now I feel like calling his mother and asking her why, why, why did she raise him to think this is normal?

No, you can’t turn it around. Treating a spouse with contempt is one of the four hoursemen of the apocalypse in a marriage. Having sex with him is not going to fix that. Leave him now or leave him later but mentally and financially prepare to leave him one way or another. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

Ha, shows how little you know about women. Women enjoy sex. They just aren't acculturated to believe they MUST have it or deserve to have it.

Wow, you have lost all perspective. A marriage without sex isn’t really a marriage. And I am not a man.

Op, if you don’t want to divorce, you need to find ways for the two of you to rebuild intimacy. There is no future for the marriage without that.

She can’t rebuild intimacy by herself. And there are plenty of marriages where both partners have very low sex drives. People are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you are out there struggling as a divorced mother, you can look back and know that withholding sex for a year will destroy any marriage.

Did you somehow miss the bit that OP gave birth in the middle of that year? Did you want her to keep having sex in advanced stages of pregnancy, labor and postpartum?

Woah. I'm a NP with 2 kids and the most I've ever taken off from sex is 8 weeks. Sure, not everyone is like me but it's not normal to refuse sex for an entire pregnancy. Labor only takes a few days at most and most women are cleared for sex 4-8 weeks after delivery. Do you struggle with math or accountability?

You've said it better than anyone.

But by all means, continue seeing sex as something for which you are accountable to someone.

No, accountable for your part in the decline of your marriage if you refuse sex on the basis of being pregnant like that's a normal thing.

I'd hate to be your spouse.

Who cares? I'm married already, and polygamy is illegal in this country, so I'm not looking to add to the stable.

Haha, you are hilarious. And the best part is you make the PP sound more stupid each time she responds. Love it!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

You know what is so funny about you simpleton men? You think we have a low sex drive. We don't. We have a very high sex drive, but just not for you. My sex drive and most of my friends are THROUGH THE ROOF from our late 30s to early 50s.

Believe me when I tell you, it is not me, it's you. Oh and if you think we are not having affairs, you are WRONG. We are just not as stupid as you. We cover our tracks and don't get caught. We know we need to get our kids through the critical years before we can ditch the dead weight. Women initiate 70% of divorces.

You are a typical man, your arrogance had rendered you dumb and dumber, but just remember, our sex drive is probably way more than yours, we just aren't into you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I spent the day feeling good about my decision to get back into the groove of a sex life, and hopefully build some good will in my marriage. But we came home and there was a flood in our kitchen and, while we got it all sorted out, the stress (which he never handles well) left him again speaking to me with such hostility. I would ask a simple, innocent question and be answered with contempt. I'm realizing that this will never get better. Not until our marriage is dead and gone, and he no longer has me and only sees his beloved child every other weekend. And of course, he will move on and marry again, maybe be a better man with his new wife, and I will spend the rest of my life alone because, after all of this time and stress, I am no longer young and beautiful. I'll eek out a living without saving a penny and struggle to give my kid a decent life. I feel so defeated right now.

Please tell me I can still turn this ship around. Do I just kill him with kindness? Will that inspire him to treat me as a sounding board instead of an emotional punching bag?

Right now I feel like calling his mother and asking her why, why, why did she raise him to think this is normal?

You are clearly an abuse victim. You need out of this marriage. No kindness will fix your damaged husband.

My mom remarried at age 50. She found a man who was taller, nicer, richer, and who had more hair than my father. He is generous and just gave my children a very generous gift to their 529. My father tried so hard to blame her for the demise of their marriage when it was clear he was an absolute emotional abuser. Guess What? His second wife just left him and he's all alone. My mom is busy playing golf, tennis, and traveling with the love of her life. Guaranteed she's having great senior sex.

[Anonymous]

Wife here who sounds like him and I’m not a horrible person, in fact by all accounts I’m highly sensitive warm loving honest and high spectrum ADHD but in my 40’s I have better coping strategies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I spent the day feeling good about my decision to get back into the groove of a sex life, and hopefully build some good will in my marriage. But we came home and there was a flood in our kitchen and, while we got it all sorted out, the stress (which he never handles well) left him again speaking to me with such hostility. I would ask a simple, innocent question and be answered with contempt. I'm realizing that this will never get better. Not until our marriage is dead and gone, and he no longer has me and only sees his beloved child every other weekend. And of course, he will move on and marry again, maybe be a better man with his new wife, and I will spend the rest of my life alone because, after all of this time and stress, I am no longer young and beautiful. I'll eek out a living without saving a penny and struggle to give my kid a decent life. I feel so defeated right now.

Please tell me I can still turn this ship around. Do I just kill him with kindness? Will that inspire him to treat me as a sounding board instead of an emotional punching bag?

Right now I feel like calling his mother and asking her why, why, why did she raise him to think this is normal?

I am so sorry, OP.