Tell me about separating and divorcing with a young baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to know if he is abusive or if it is frustration and impatience and you two have a really unhealthy dynamic. Withholding / refusing sex for a year in a marriage is a sign that you are just as frustrated but express it a little differently. Both of you are trying to get power and control where you can. Just a guess but he might also feel you are never or rarely nice to him either.

It will be hard but unless you are going to go to counseling and work through it and develop better communication and a healthier way of relating - divorce is really your only option as you can't both live like this in a resentful, sexless marriage.

OP here - I don't think of it as withholding, I just really don't want to do it. I'm afraid of him, always walking on eggshells. I think he does lately feel like I'm not nice to him either. I used to be sweet and make effort to be kind to him no matter what, but after a while his behavior wore me down and now I find I'm becoming more and more like him.

Call it what you want but your husband didn't likely anticipate a sexless marriage / dead bedroom situation. That is a pretty big revelation for a man to find out about his marriage / wife and typically leads to resentment and frustration. Did you have sex just to get pregnant because you wanted a baby before you left him? Was he on board with having a child?

This sounds like a marriage of two bitter resentful people who don't really like each other anymore and don't treat each other well. Divorce sounds like a good option as the child isn't going to make things better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I bet there are two sides to this story. You strike me as very passive aggressive, OP.

Yep. And you need to admit your part in this dynamic.

What the hell did OP say to make you think that?

Read the whole thread.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP my DH was the same as yours . I couldn’t risk having him get custody half the time so I stayed until child was a teenager. the best advice I can give you is to have three meetings with three different divorce attorneys they will all give you insight to what a divorce can or can’t do for you -it’s very worth your time and money !

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why why why would you make a baby with this man?!

We were told we couldn't have children (after trying for quite a while) so it was not planned. The fertility issues were definitely a factor in our strained relationship but the problems had existed before any of that came up.

Op you don't need to explain yourself! Ignore this nasty person.

[Anonymous]

I went thru it, OP. A legal separation with a newborn and a five year old. As much work as it is, it is better than being nervous all the time and fearful.

[Anonymous]

OP some parts of your story are very familiar to me.

I am still with my DH, and our child is now 5. Things became much calmer once I really disengaged from the relationship. We're basically roommates now ...

But, I'm really just delaying ripping off the bandaid. Even though things are not volatile, it's not a good life. We will have to split eventually. I do think there's some value in having put it off this long. I think we'll be able to do it in a calmer and less damaging way than before, and we're in a better financial position as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why why why would you make a baby with this man?!

I had sympathy for the OP until I heard the timeline/circumstance of when the baby got conceived.

What can the OP do now? The baby has an angry parent and an irresponsible/immature one. Sorry for the baby.

[Anonymous]

Why would you have to live in the same house you do now? Trying to understand why that is a factor.

[Anonymous]

Why did you buy a new house if your marriage was "circling the drain"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why why why would you make a baby with this man?!

We were told we couldn't have children (after trying for quite a while) so it was not planned. The fertility issues were definitely a factor in our strained relationship but the problems had existed before any of that came up.

Problems existed and you had unprotected sex. Smart

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did you buy a new house if your marriage was "circling the drain"?

We bought it when I was (very) pregnant. Our previous home didn't have space for a third (or even the two of us, for that matter).

To the women who stayed and are emotionally disconnected: Do your husbands realize it? And if so, do they realize why? And do they understand the cause and effect of their behavior?

[Anonymous]

Op, you don't have to respond to the posters who want to make you feel small and are not helpful.

Many people find themselves in difficult situations (maybe they played a part in in, maybe not) and it's ok to ask for help. In fact you are doing the right thing by reaching out and trying to fix things for your baby. I don't have advice for you but please try to ignore the miserable people on this site. Hopefully they will find some peace one day. Please focus on the kind and helpful people here who may offer you a way forward.

[Anonymous]

If the scope of his issues are are narrow as you described it may be treatable with therapy/anti anxiety drugs. Tell him that his outbursts are ruining your marriage and that if he doesn’t get it under control you plan to leave.

[Anonymous]

OP, the situation sucks no matter the outcome. My advice is to do everything you can to make the relationship between the baby and your DH as good as possible. If this child is not going to grow up in an intact family, at least have it know both parents love it and that both parents once loved each other.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, therapist here.

Something to consider along with everything else you are processing - the issues you describe place you at an increased risk for escalated violence. That's not a guarantee that it would work out that way for you, but might be worth your time to seek your own private counseling with someone who has experience in treating violence against women.

Be well.