Tell me about separating and divorcing with a young baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

You know what is so funny about you simpleton men? You think we have a low sex drive. We don't. We have a very high sex drive, but just not for you. My sex drive and most of my friends are THROUGH THE ROOF from our late 30s to early 50s.

Believe me when I tell you, it is not me, it's you. Oh and if you think we are not having affairs, you are WRONG. We are just not as stupid as you. We cover our tracks and don't get caught. We know we need to get our kids through the critical years before we can ditch the dead weight. Women initiate 70% of divorces.

You are a typical man, your arrogance had rendered you dumb and dumber, but just remember, our sex drive is probably way more than yours, we just aren't into you.

Actually men know full well that our wife's interest in sex quickly drops for us but remains high for other men. So what? Just means I am more desired by random married women versus my own wife. I am OK with that and seems like it's NOT really me after all! So if my wife (despite her low interest) fails to keep up, I have lots of options to be the sexy "other man" for horny women like you and your friends. Digits please.

It is you. If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, it's because...you. you have major character flaws and are basically unfuc%able.

What don't you grasp about the fact that one woman's boring/flawed/unF__able DH is (magically) the hot/interesting/mysterious "new man" to any other 10 married women ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

You know what is so funny about you simpleton men? You think we have a low sex drive. We don't. We have a very high sex drive, but just not for you. My sex drive and most of my friends are THROUGH THE ROOF from our late 30s to early 50s.

Believe me when I tell you, it is not me, it's you. Oh and if you think we are not having affairs, you are WRONG. We are just not as stupid as you. We cover our tracks and don't get caught. We know we need to get our kids through the critical years before we can ditch the dead weight. Women initiate 70% of divorces.

You are a typical man, your arrogance had rendered you dumb and dumber, but just remember, our sex drive is probably way more than yours, we just aren't into you.

Actually men know full well that our wife's interest in sex quickly drops for us but remains high for other men. So what? Just means I am more desired by random married women versus my own wife. I am OK with that and seems like it's NOT really me after all! So if my wife (despite her low interest) fails to keep up, I have lots of options to be the sexy "other man" for horny women like you and your friends. Digits please.

It is you. If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, it's because...you. you have major character flaws and are basically unfuc%able.

What don't you grasp about the fact that one woman's boring/flawed/unF__able DH is (magically) the hot/interesting/mysterious "new man" to any other 10 married women ?

Yea, but that's not you.

What you are missing is many women fuc% their husbands, there are also many women who are so attracted to their very fuc%able husbands, these men have a hard time keeping up. But, this is not you. Never will be you. I'd bet your wife is being satisfied by a real man elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

My STBX was similarly angry as your DH, and cheated, and was financially controlling. I had to get a credit card to be able to leave, but I do not regret it.

It will be good for you if you have family support, financial and logistical (I do not). I left when my kids were five months and three. It has been extraordinarily difficult, logistically and financially. But I am at peace, I do not cry every day, I do not fantasize about suicide, and I do not take out my frustration on my kids as I used to. I am much more present, and am empowered to know that my life is mine to create as I see fit.

I know a LOT of women stay in less than desirable, even abusive, situations. Society supports this in many ways. But it's ultimately up to you what you consider most important, and act accordingly.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Op, have you told your DH that the way he acts scares you? And that it is making you think about leaving?

Honestly, my DH and I were going through a rough patch during my pregnancy. I wanted to leave but stayed because I was pregnant. We were fighting all the time, and suddenly our fights were scary because he would yell and throw things (I was yelling too). Then he was punching walls and throwing things like chairs ( not at me). After the 3rd or 4th time this happened, I stopped yelling at him and would tell him we needed to calm down if one of us started yelling.

The first time he did this after the baby was born, I let him calm down. The next day I told him that when he yelled and threw things it terrified me. I told him I would not raise my child in that environment. I told him I loved him and I was not trying to threaten him or give him an ultimatum, but if he did it again I would not stay, that what I might have tolerated when it was just me I would not tolerate with my child. I told him I wanted us to be together and that I would do my part and not yell or escalate our fights.

We are together 4 years later and he has stopped his frightening behaviors. I have stopped yelling during our fights. We have learned to de-escalate when we fight. We have more kids and are very happy.

If you still love and want to raise your child with your DH, you should communicate that his bahavior scares you and see if he offers to stop. Ask how you can support him. Help him figure out his triggers. Some people can and will change. If he doesn’t change, you will know you did everything you could and can leave knowing there was really no choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you told your DH that the way he acts scares you? And that it is making you think about leaving?

Honestly, my DH and I were going through a rough patch during my pregnancy. I wanted to leave but stayed because I was pregnant. We were fighting all the time, and suddenly our fights were scary because he would yell and throw things (I was yelling too). Then he was punching walls and throwing things like chairs ( not at me). After the 3rd or 4th time this happened, I stopped yelling at him and would tell him we needed to calm down if one of us started yelling.

The first time he did this after the baby was born, I let him calm down. The next day I told him that when he yelled and threw things it terrified me. I told him I would not raise my child in that environment. I told him I loved him and I was not trying to threaten him or give him an ultimatum, but if he did it again I would not stay, that what I might have tolerated when it was just me I would not tolerate with my child. I told him I wanted us to be together and that I would do my part and not yell or escalate our fights.

We are together 4 years later and he has stopped his frightening behaviors. I have stopped yelling during our fights. We have learned to de-escalate when we fight. We have more kids and are very happy.

If you still love and want to raise your child with your DH, you should communicate that his bahavior scares you and see if he offers to stop. Ask how you can support him. Help him figure out his triggers. Some people can and will change. If he doesn’t change, you will know you did everything you could and can leave knowing there was really no choice.

Great post and story. Very positive outlook and also responsible. Congrats on saving your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My STBX was similarly angry as your DH, and cheated, and was financially controlling. I had to get a credit card to be able to leave, but I do not regret it.

It will be good for you if you have family support, financial and logistical (I do not). I left when my kids were five months and three. It has been extraordinarily difficult, logistically and financially. But I am at peace, I do not cry every day, I do not fantasize about suicide, and I do not take out my frustration on my kids as I used to. I am much more present, and am empowered to know that my life is mine to create as I see fit.

I know a LOT of women stay in less than desirable, even abusive, situations. Society supports this in many ways. But it's ultimately up to you what you consider most important, and act accordingly.

Good luck.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you told your DH that the way he acts scares you? And that it is making you think about leaving?

Honestly, my DH and I were going through a rough patch during my pregnancy. I wanted to leave but stayed because I was pregnant. We were fighting all the time, and suddenly our fights were scary because he would yell and throw things (I was yelling too). Then he was punching walls and throwing things like chairs ( not at me). After the 3rd or 4th time this happened, I stopped yelling at him and would tell him we needed to calm down if one of us started yelling.

The first time he did this after the baby was born, I let him calm down. The next day I told him that when he yelled and threw things it terrified me. I told him I would not raise my child in that environment. I told him I loved him and I was not trying to threaten him or give him an ultimatum, but if he did it again I would not stay, that what I might have tolerated when it was just me I would not tolerate with my child. I told him I wanted us to be together and that I would do my part and not yell or escalate our fights.

We are together 4 years later and he has stopped his frightening behaviors. I have stopped yelling during our fights. We have learned to de-escalate when we fight. We have more kids and are very happy.

If you still love and want to raise your child with your DH, you should communicate that his bahavior scares you and see if he offers to stop. Ask how you can support him. Help him figure out his triggers. Some people can and will change. If he doesn’t change, you will know you did everything you could and can leave knowing there was really no choice.

Great post and story. Very positive outlook and also responsible. Congrats on saving your marriage.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you told your DH that the way he acts scares you? And that it is making you think about leaving?

Honestly, my DH and I were going through a rough patch during my pregnancy. I wanted to leave but stayed because I was pregnant. We were fighting all the time, and suddenly our fights were scary because he would yell and throw things (I was yelling too). Then he was punching walls and throwing things like chairs ( not at me). After the 3rd or 4th time this happened, I stopped yelling at him and would tell him we needed to calm down if one of us started yelling.

The first time he did this after the baby was born, I let him calm down. The next day I told him that when he yelled and threw things it terrified me. I told him I would not raise my child in that environment. I told him I loved him and I was not trying to threaten him or give him an ultimatum, but if he did it again I would not stay, that what I might have tolerated when it was just me I would not tolerate with my child. I told him I wanted us to be together and that I would do my part and not yell or escalate our fights.

We are together 4 years later and he has stopped his frightening behaviors. I have stopped yelling during our fights. We have learned to de-escalate when we fight. We have more kids and are very happy.

If you still love and want to raise your child with your DH, you should communicate that his bahavior scares you and see if he offers to stop. Ask how you can support him. Help him figure out his triggers. Some people can and will change. If he doesn’t change, you will know you did everything you could and can leave knowing there was really no choice.

Great post and story. Very positive outlook and also responsible. Congrats on saving your marriage.

+ 1

Hard to know if this story really has a happy ending. She does not mention her successful efforts in restoring a normal sex life, all we know is they both stopped yelling (and they had sex twice in 4 years resulting in more kids). If he's calmed down but they aren't having regular sex, it means he has quietly moved on to an affair partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you told your DH that the way he acts scares you? And that it is making you think about leaving?

Honestly, my DH and I were going through a rough patch during my pregnancy. I wanted to leave but stayed because I was pregnant. We were fighting all the time, and suddenly our fights were scary because he would yell and throw things (I was yelling too). Then he was punching walls and throwing things like chairs ( not at me). After the 3rd or 4th time this happened, I stopped yelling at him and would tell him we needed to calm down if one of us started yelling.

The first time he did this after the baby was born, I let him calm down. The next day I told him that when he yelled and threw things it terrified me. I told him I would not raise my child in that environment. I told him I loved him and I was not trying to threaten him or give him an ultimatum, but if he did it again I would not stay, that what I might have tolerated when it was just me I would not tolerate with my child. I told him I wanted us to be together and that I would do my part and not yell or escalate our fights.

We are together 4 years later and he has stopped his frightening behaviors. I have stopped yelling during our fights. We have learned to de-escalate when we fight. We have more kids and are very happy.

If you still love and want to raise your child with your DH, you should communicate that his bahavior scares you and see if he offers to stop. Ask how you can support him. Help him figure out his triggers. Some people can and will change. If he doesn’t change, you will know you did everything you could and can leave knowing there was really no choice.

Great post and story. Very positive outlook and also responsible. Congrats on saving your marriage.

Just want to point out that not all husbands (or wives) are willing, or able, to change their behavior. I spent years telling my husband that the way he treated me was unacceptable- that at the very least, he had to treat me with basic respect. He wouldn't, or couldn't. I had to leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't do anything until baby is 18 months.

Not bad advice. But follow this only if you are prepared to forgive his affair. No sense pretending a man would go that long without.

Is OP's husband willing to forgive her affair too, if she has one? Because by being hostile and aggressive, he has also abandoned her "need" to have sex with someone she feels safe with.

Honestly I am sick of you men claiming then men will surely and justifiably go have an affair if the wife doesn't put out immediately, regardless of the reasons they aren't having sex (which are almost always joint reasons). It's like your last gasp to hold sexual power over women now that the tides have turned and you can't physically coerce us.

He might forgive her affair. But she won't have one. Because she's not interested in sex and has no motivation for an affair. She has her baby and no need for a man (physically). This is part of the problem: he has a need for sex, she does not. As to "immediately put out" it's been over a year which is unforgivable.

I was not taking either side, just stating the facts. Sorry if that makes you so angry. You simply do not have a man's sex drive so you may not understand this, but it is 100% true when I say (regardless of the cause, regardless of who is "at fault") a man will not stay faithful in a sexless marriage. Sorry but she does not get to "keep her marriage" while not having sex and expect him to be faithful. She can divorce now, or wait it out, while looking the other way.

You know what is so funny about you simpleton men? You think we have a low sex drive. We don't. We have a very high sex drive, but just not for you. My sex drive and most of my friends are THROUGH THE ROOF from our late 30s to early 50s.

Believe me when I tell you, it is not me, it's you. Oh and if you think we are not having affairs, you are WRONG. We are just not as stupid as you. We cover our tracks and don't get caught. We know we need to get our kids through the critical years before we can ditch the dead weight. Women initiate 70% of divorces.

You are a typical man, your arrogance had rendered you dumb and dumber, but just remember, our sex drive is probably way more than yours, we just aren't into you.

Actually men know full well that our wife's interest in sex quickly drops for us but remains high for other men. So what? Just means I am more desired by random married women versus my own wife. I am OK with that and seems like it's NOT really me after all! So if my wife (despite her low interest) fails to keep up, I have lots of options to be the sexy "other man" for horny women like you and your friends. Digits please.

It is you. If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, it's because...you. you have major character flaws and are basically unfuc%able.

What don't you grasp about the fact that one woman's boring/flawed/unF__able DH is (magically) the hot/interesting/mysterious "new man" to any other 10 married women ?

Yea, but that's not you.

What you are missing is many women fuc% their husbands, there are also many women who are so attracted to their very fuc%able husbands, these men have a hard time keeping up. But, this is not you. Never will be you. I'd bet your wife is being satisfied by a real man elsewhere.

Written like a serial cheater who gets bored after 6-9 months of f_cking the same ol, same ol’ DH. You deserve exciting and new tingles, The grass is always greener right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, have you told your DH that the way he acts scares you? And that it is making you think about leaving?

Honestly, my DH and I were going through a rough patch during my pregnancy. I wanted to leave but stayed because I was pregnant. We were fighting all the time, and suddenly our fights were scary because he would yell and throw things (I was yelling too). Then he was punching walls and throwing things like chairs ( not at me). After the 3rd or 4th time this happened, I stopped yelling at him and would tell him we needed to calm down if one of us started yelling.

The first time he did this after the baby was born, I let him calm down. The next day I told him that when he yelled and threw things it terrified me. I told him I would not raise my child in that environment. I told him I loved him and I was not trying to threaten him or give him an ultimatum, but if he did it again I would not stay, that what I might have tolerated when it was just me I would not tolerate with my child. I told him I wanted us to be together and that I would do my part and not yell or escalate our fights.

We are together 4 years later and he has stopped his frightening behaviors. I have stopped yelling during our fights. We have learned to de-escalate when we fight. We have more kids and are very happy.

If you still love and want to raise your child with your DH, you should communicate that his bahavior scares you and see if he offers to stop. Ask how you can support him. Help him figure out his triggers. Some people can and will change. If he doesn’t change, you will know you did everything you could and can leave knowing there was really no choice.

Great post and story. Very positive outlook and also responsible. Congrats on saving your marriage.

Just want to point out that not all husbands (or wives) are willing, or able, to change their behavior. I spent years telling my husband that the way he treated me was unacceptable- that at the very least, he had to treat me with basic respect. He wouldn't, or couldn't. I had to leave.

Well, yes, but you tried for years. The OP in this thread is really at the beginning of her relationship (your relationship starts over when you first have a kid, it is so disruptive). Just because you tried for years and it didn't work doesn't mean that it won't work for anyone who tries. This post is about a situation where it did work.

Big problem with DCUM advice is that people fill in the blanks on every situation with whatever their own situation was.