DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

[Anonymous]

She is expected to be the primary point-person for emergencies, appointments, errands, and general emotional unloading. DW comes home telling me how drained she is---not so much physically; but rather emotionally. Her dad is in a slow prolonged decline, and he has a very pessimistic outlook and personality. Being around him is an emotional drain.

Noteworthy---her dad "doesn't do" emotions. He has never been able to handle grief, stress, or sickness in others. When his parents (DW's grandparents) were declining and in last stages, her dad stayed away. He had DW running point and being at the bedside, there for last days. FIL was completely removed.

I want to tell DW: "Step back. Unplug. One--this isn't healthy for you and you are having an admittedly hard time managing. Two--your dad had no problem delegating to others (you) and being emotionally and physically absent during his parents' health decline and death. He couldn't handle it, so he did not, and he put that emotional, physical, and logistical burden on you. You should follow his model and do the same."

Does anyone have experience with this? Advice?

I care first and foremost about my wife. It is so hard to see her unravel, generally. Especially so for someone who has given zero F**ks about others.

[Anonymous]

I think you talk with her, absolutely.

Tell her you are worried about her--and offer to brainstorm ideas to set some boundaries and limits on what she can and cannot do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you talk with her, absolutely.

Tell her you are worried about her--and offer to brainstorm ideas to set some boundaries and limits on what she can and cannot do.

I have talked with her, and I have offered suggestions on scheduling, outsourcing. My suggestions are outright dismissed. Her dad is a hypocrite---outsourcing was sufficient for his own parents. But for his own decline and needs, he wants his daughter and his daughter only.

This is extremely challenging for me.

My wife is a good, good person. But she cannot and seemingly will not stand up for herself and her needs.

[Anonymous]

I did it for years and more or less held it together, sometimes less than more. The emotional exhaustion is very real. Then it just took it's toll. I crashed HARD. Meds and time off work were needed. I had no choice but to pull back from the care giving and emotional abuse. So I did pull back for my own well being and the well being of my immediate family. Crappy part is the pull back started about 6 months ago, and recently my parent passed away. I was still involved weekly with care and when possible a call daily, but many boundaries were put in place. Now there is guilt for pulling back, even though I know it needed to be done. Life is complicated sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Has your wife contacted an office for the aging? It varies by state but in my home state they provide a lot of services for free, including linking caregivers in support groups when needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife contacted an office for the aging? It varies by state but in my home state they provide a lot of services for free, including linking caregivers in support groups when needed.

No---because he is resistant to caregivers or full time aides. Money is not an issue.

[Anonymous]

She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who crashed above. In my case outsourcing was declined as well. Had to be me, or one other person who was just not able to do it at all. A list of all possible options was left on the table, with most useful ones highlighted. I made sure they knew which other options, many that were free were available. Stubbornness did lead to missed medical appointments despite free transportation with PSW support being available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I did it for years and more or less held it together, sometimes less than more. The emotional exhaustion is very real. Then it just took it's toll. I crashed HARD. Meds and time off work were needed. I had no choice but to pull back from the care giving and emotional abuse. So I did pull back for my own well being and the well being of my immediate family. Crappy part is the pull back started about 6 months ago, and recently my parent passed away. I was still involved weekly with care and when possible a call daily, but many boundaries were put in place. Now there is guilt for pulling back, even though I know it needed to be done. Life is complicated sometimes.

How do I communicate the burden and effect that this is having on me, the spouse? DW is so stressed and snaps when I bring up that this is taking a toll on me/us. She thinks I am being selfish and tone deaf. Truth be told, I am approaching my breaking point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has your wife contacted an office for the aging? It varies by state but in my home state they provide a lot of services for free, including linking caregivers in support groups when needed.

No---because he is resistant to caregivers or full time aides. Money is not an issue.

They do offer more than that, so I'd encourage her to give it a try. My 93 year old grandma still lives alone and is in good shape. They provide her with a life alert necklace, grocery delivery, weekly cleaning service, and someone comes to take her on errands once a week. It's not just medical. This is in NY, so not sure what services are here. If the day to day stuff is taken care of it might make things easier on your DW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did it for years and more or less held it together, sometimes less than more. The emotional exhaustion is very real. Then it just took it's toll. I crashed HARD. Meds and time off work were needed. I had no choice but to pull back from the care giving and emotional abuse. So I did pull back for my own well being and the well being of my immediate family. Crappy part is the pull back started about 6 months ago, and recently my parent passed away. I was still involved weekly with care and when possible a call daily, but many boundaries were put in place. Now there is guilt for pulling back, even though I know it needed to be done. Life is complicated sometimes.

How do I communicate the burden and effect that this is having on me, the spouse? DW is so stressed and snaps when I bring up that this is taking a toll on me/us. She thinks I am being selfish and tone deaf. Truth be told, I am approaching my breaking point.

Seriously? You can't support her in this? Are we talking about an ongoing chronic issue or her father's end of life? What toll is this taking on you? If she snaps at you, you know it's not personal; let it roll off your back because you know the strain she is under. It sounds like you are adding to her stress and it's certainly not your place to decide how she should handle this or that she should outsource it. Caring for my mom at the end of her life was a thankless and extraordinarily difficult job but I wouldn't have wanted to be the type of person who outsourced the care when my mom needed me. Sometimes you just do what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did it for years and more or less held it together, sometimes less than more. The emotional exhaustion is very real. Then it just took it's toll. I crashed HARD. Meds and time off work were needed. I had no choice but to pull back from the care giving and emotional abuse. So I did pull back for my own well being and the well being of my immediate family. Crappy part is the pull back started about 6 months ago, and recently my parent passed away. I was still involved weekly with care and when possible a call daily, but many boundaries were put in place. Now there is guilt for pulling back, even though I know it needed to be done. Life is complicated sometimes.

How do I communicate the burden and effect that this is having on me, the spouse? DW is so stressed and snaps when I bring up that this is taking a toll on me/us. She thinks I am being selfish and tone deaf. Truth be told, I am approaching my breaking point.

You are being selfish and tone deaf. She is the one who is going through her father aging/dying, and she needs your support. To the extent it's taking a toll on you as well and you need support, you need to look outside to a friend or relative for support and not ask her to take care of you as well as her dad. This is your time to step up and be there for her, not the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

[Anonymous]

So just like him, you're making this all about you, you, you. Wow OP.