DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you been through the aging/infirmity process with your own parents yet? I suspect you haven't, and I suspect you don't really get how much can be involved. Even in an assisted living facility, people need to have family members around regularly to make sure they're be cared for appropriately. An assisted living may provide transportation to doctor appointments, but they're not going to provide someone to go in with you and hear what the doctor has to say to make sure you understand everything. You seem very dismissive of the fact that he's in an assisted living facility, as if it's totally unnecessary, but assisted living facilities typically have eligibility requirements and you can't get a bed there if you do not require a certain level of assistance with your daily activities.

Are there any other relatives who could step up? A younger sibling of his who is still healthy and energetic and could drop off dinner even? Does he have any friends left? What about a religious group that has special dinners, i.e. at a church? Does he socialize?

No local siblings. One sister, abroad. Minimal friends. No to socializing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

She is absent from home frequently after work and during weekends. She also works full time.
At points she was spending her lunch break leaving work and going to his place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant. Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way. Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves." Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father. Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach. It's just setting her up to feel more guilt. What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad? She's going to be a mess.

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending. People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.

Everyone is going to die, eventually. It's not healthy to be so preoccupied with your parent's death that you neglect yourself, your family, and make yourself sick in the process.

+1 Harsh, but true. This could all be made easier by tapping into the available resources at his assisted living complex. Those places are not cheap-- may as wee take advantage of what you're paying for. It's not going to make a difference on his deathbed where his groceries came from, who drove him to the doctor and who washed his sheets-- his daughter or a cleaning service. All that matters is that she is kind and loving toward him while being fair to herself. If she has a bad cold, who will take him shopping? Should she develop pneumonia to please her father?

I have suggested this ad nauseum.

Funny--this is actually precisely what FIL cares about. He spent time and energy and money raising DW, and now it's her turn to take care of him. Not paid help. he wants HER to be the one to get groceries, drive him to the doctor, pick up his dog's medicine from the vet, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

She is absent from home frequently after work and during weekends. She also works full time.
At points she was spending her lunch break leaving work and going to his place.

And then you make it worse by complaining when she gets home. You and your father in law are both trying to yank your wife back and forth to meet your own needs. Not a great situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

She is absent from home frequently after work and during weekends. She also works full time.
At points she was spending her lunch break leaving work and going to his place.

And then you make it worse by complaining when she gets home. You and your father in law are both trying to yank your wife back and forth to meet your own needs. Not a great situation.

Op here. I agree with you! I do complain when she gets home. Because it starts to wear on you to see your spouse walk in the door at 10pm during the week, drained and stressed. Hard to facilitate a positive growing marriage when I have become resentful. Please believe me when I say I don't enjoy this or want to be a "nag" or additional stressor. It is hard to just sit back and have to accept a dysfunctional situation---with no end in sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant. Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way. Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves." Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father. Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach. It's just setting her up to feel more guilt. What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad? She's going to be a mess.

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending. People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.

Everyone is going to die, eventually. It's not healthy to be so preoccupied with your parent's death that you neglect yourself, your family, and make yourself sick in the process.

+1 Harsh, but true. This could all be made easier by tapping into the available resources at his assisted living complex. Those places are not cheap-- may as wee take advantage of what you're paying for. It's not going to make a difference on his deathbed where his groceries came from, who drove him to the doctor and who washed his sheets-- his daughter or a cleaning service. All that matters is that she is kind and loving toward him while being fair to herself. If she has a bad cold, who will take him shopping? Should she develop pneumonia to please her father?

I have suggested this ad nauseum.

Funny--this is actually precisely what FIL cares about. He spent time and energy and money raising DW, and now it's her turn to take care of him. Not paid help. he wants HER to be the one to get groceries, drive him to the doctor, pick up his dog's medicine from the vet, etc.

That is so wrong. When I was pregnant I did not rub my hands greedily anout the free maid service growing inside of me. She does not OWE him that. He should have invested in robot servants, not s human being. Apparently the Japanese are making great strides in that area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

OP again. I'm also on the edge because we would like to start a family. That seems to be on the backburner "too much stress too much going on"
At times I feel very held back, like our lives are on pause b/c FIL comes first and foremost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

She is absent from home frequently after work and during weekends. She also works full time.
At points she was spending her lunch break leaving work and going to his place.

And then you make it worse by complaining when she gets home. You and your father in law are both trying to yank your wife back and forth to meet your own needs. Not a great situation.

Op here. I agree with you! I do complain when she gets home. Because it starts to wear on you to see your spouse walk in the door at 10pm during the week, drained and stressed. Hard to facilitate a positive growing marriage when I have become resentful. Please believe me when I say I don't enjoy this or want to be a "nag" or additional stressor. It is hard to just sit back and have to accept a dysfunctional situation---with no end in sight.

Is there a concierge or social worker even at the assisted living center? What if she talks with them and they approach him about the services. You can tell them you're dealing with some issues-- work, health, whatever-- and nicely let them know the stubborn old man won't accept any help. Maybe a good heart-to-heart talk with them will help? Add in, and "WE"RE not getting any younger, either."

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel that most of these posters are being extremely unfair to you.

If this situation were reversed and it were a DH taking care of a bitchy, aging and difficult MIL who has the resources but chooses to monopolize her son to the detriment of her son's marriage and family life, you know you would all be crucifying the MIL and the DH for not cleaving and leaving

This is not an issue of FIL needing his daughter's help. This is FIL fulfulling his sick need to control and monopolize his daughter without regard to her well being. It is damaging OP and OP's marriage, OP's prospects for starting a family, and is entirely inappropriate.

If OP were the DW, you would all be telling her to have a come-to-Jesus talk with the DH under the control of his mom, and then to tell her to leave him.

Under these circumstances that OP describes, I'm not sure that it's inappropriate of him to demand that his wife set better boundaries with her father.

She needs to reevaluate, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel that most of these posters are being extremely unfair to you.

If this situation were reversed and it were a DH taking care of a bitchy, aging and difficult MIL who has the resources but chooses to monopolize her son to the detriment of her son's marriage and family life, you know you would all be crucifying the MIL and the DH for not cleaving and leaving

This is not an issue of FIL needing his daughter's help. This is FIL fulfulling his sick need to control and monopolize his daughter without regard to her well being. It is damaging OP and OP's marriage, OP's prospects for starting a family, and is entirely inappropriate.

If OP were the DW, you would all be telling her to have a come-to-Jesus talk with the DH under the control of his mom, and then to tell her to leave him.

Under these circumstances that OP describes, I'm not sure that it's inappropriate of him to demand that his wife set better boundaries with her father.

She needs to reevaluate, OP.

The same PP - I'm a woman, by the way, and not a misogynist or what have you. I've just seen plenty of posts by female OPs who complain about their DHs being controlled by MILs. And I think OP's situation is terribly unhealthy and unfair to all involved and you all are doing both OP and his wife a disservice to tell him to help his wife coddle his asshole FIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel that most of these posters are being extremely unfair to you.

If this situation were reversed and it were a DH taking care of a bitchy, aging and difficult MIL who has the resources but chooses to monopolize her son to the detriment of her son's marriage and family life, you know you would all be crucifying the MIL and the DH for not cleaving and leaving

This is not an issue of FIL needing his daughter's help. This is FIL fulfulling his sick need to control and monopolize his daughter without regard to her well being. It is damaging OP and OP's marriage, OP's prospects for starting a family, and is entirely inappropriate.

If OP were the DW, you would all be telling her to have a come-to-Jesus talk with the DH under the control of his mom, and then to tell her to leave him.

Under these circumstances that OP describes, I'm not sure that it's inappropriate of him to demand that his wife set better boundaries with her father.

She needs to reevaluate, OP.

The same PP - I'm a woman, by the way, and not a misogynist or what have you. I've just seen plenty of posts by female OPs who complain about their DHs being controlled by MILs. And I think OP's situation is terribly unhealthy and unfair to all involved and you all are doing both OP and his wife a disservice to tell him to help his wife coddle his asshole FIL.

You do you, but the way he is handling it now is clearly not working.

[Anonymous]

I know you all say I need to "drop it" and knock off the disdain, but just trying to convey what I mean when I say DW is drained---
FIL used to live in NYC. He and late MIL moved to DMV a few years after DW and I moved here. FIL will only see his doctors and specialists in NYC. He believes they are the best of the best, and DMV does not have good enough quality doctors. Thus---my wife drives her dad to NYC for medical appointments.

In an effort to be helpful with suggestions, I gave a groundbreaking suggestion of---why don't we find a DMV primary care doctor for your dad? FIL shot that down. Not an option to change or find new doctors.

Can you see why I am on the edge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel that most of these posters are being extremely unfair to you.

If this situation were reversed and it were a DH taking care of a bitchy, aging and difficult MIL who has the resources but chooses to monopolize her son to the detriment of her son's marriage and family life, you know you would all be crucifying the MIL and the DH for not cleaving and leaving

This is not an issue of FIL needing his daughter's help. This is FIL fulfulling his sick need to control and monopolize his daughter without regard to her well being. It is damaging OP and OP's marriage, OP's prospects for starting a family, and is entirely inappropriate.

If OP were the DW, you would all be telling her to have a come-to-Jesus talk with the DH under the control of his mom, and then to tell her to leave him.

Under these circumstances that OP describes, I'm not sure that it's inappropriate of him to demand that his wife set better boundaries with her father.

She needs to reevaluate, OP.

The same PP - I'm a woman, by the way, and not a misogynist or what have you. I've just seen plenty of posts by female OPs who complain about their DHs being controlled by MILs. And I think OP's situation is terribly unhealthy and unfair to all involved and you all are doing both OP and his wife a disservice to tell him to help his wife coddle his asshole FIL.

You do you, but the way he is handling it now is clearly not working.

It could be a cultural thing with decades of programming that a daughter's father is the one she must bow to when push comes to shove. It's not going to be easy for OP. FIL knows how to pull the heartstrings just right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

She is absent from home frequently after work and during weekends. She also works full time.
At points she was spending her lunch break leaving work and going to his place.

And then you make it worse by complaining when she gets home. You and your father in law are both trying to yank your wife back and forth to meet your own needs. Not a great situation.

I disagree. I think in this case it's clearly FIL who is inappropriately demanding/manipulating his daughter and harming her mental state and marriage. But the responsibility of fixing this situation lies with the DW - she needs to step back and set healthier boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, does the retirement community have recommended aides or services (like home instead, visiting Angels, and others) who can come by and help with some of the physical needs?

There is some of this that can be outsourced, I went thru this with my parents, and her dad needs to be willing to pay for it. That's usually the hard part. Could both you and his daughter talk to him? See what he can afford, what might be covered by insurance or Medicare (if any) and go from there?

Is there a social worker in the retirement community your wife could talk to? Does he need to move to a place with a higher level of care?

Please support your wife all you can and help her. It is hard OP. The more your wife can outsource the better; it will still be hard to deal with him, but will be more controlled.