DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I did it for years and more or less held it together, sometimes less than more. The emotional exhaustion is very real. Then it just took it's toll. I crashed HARD. Meds and time off work were needed. I had no choice but to pull back from the care giving and emotional abuse. So I did pull back for my own well being and the well being of my immediate family. Crappy part is the pull back started about 6 months ago, and recently my parent passed away. I was still involved weekly with care and when possible a call daily, but many boundaries were put in place. Now there is guilt for pulling back, even though I know it needed to be done. Life is complicated sometimes.

How do I communicate the burden and effect that this is having on me, the spouse? DW is so stressed and snaps when I bring up that this is taking a toll on me/us. She thinks I am being selfish and tone deaf. Truth be told, I am approaching my breaking point.

Seriously? You can't support her in this? Are we talking about an ongoing chronic issue or her father's end of life? What toll is this taking on you? If she snaps at you, you know it's not personal; let it roll off your back because you know the strain she is under. It sounds like you are adding to her stress and it's certainly not your place to decide how she should handle this or that she should outsource it. Caring for my mom at the end of her life was a thankless and extraordinarily difficult job but I wouldn't have wanted to be the type of person who outsourced the care when my mom needed me. Sometimes you just do what you have to do.

Not end of life, not even close. Ongoing chronic issues exacerbated by age. He isn't even 75 yet. This has been going on for over 5 years, with no end in sight.

Her stress and the way she is choosing to handle this is greatly affecting her, me, and our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

[Anonymous]

I'm the crasher above. I'll respond more later. For now please know that you are NOT being selfish and are NOT a bad person for wanting this to be different and less complicated. Not all cases of elder care are easily manageable. Long term medical decline and side effects from medications can leave you with a parent you do not recognize. Mental health issues. Personality or behavior disorders etc.

Tune out the judgement of others. Filter through the posts and pull out the snippets of advice and support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

Wow, she really did marry her dad.

[Anonymous]

What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm the crasher above. I'll respond more later. For now please know that you are NOT being selfish and are NOT a bad person for wanting this to be different and less complicated. Not all cases of elder care are easily manageable. Long term medical decline and side effects from medications can leave you with a parent you do not recognize. Mental health issues. Personality or behavior disorders etc.

Tune out the judgement of others. Filter through the posts and pull out the snippets of advice and support.

+1. Ignore the people calling you selfish for not wanting this situation to destroy your wife, and marriage, in the process. Your FIL sounds like the incredibly selfish one. I'm sorry I don't have advice for you. I have not been in your situation personally, although I was involved in my mother's end of life care. She was nowhere near how you've described your FIL, and yet it was still one of the most stressful periods of my life. AND I had help. Please focus on the posters who are actually trying to help you help your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

Wow, she really did marry her dad.

?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

Wow, she really did marry her dad.

?

What's the question? Her dad demands that his daughter's attention be on him and wasn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness. OP is demanding that his wife's attention be on him and isn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

OP, just because your wife is an adult, that doesn't necessarily mean she is not vulnerable to emotional manipulation and guilt trips. Some elderly people enjoy ordering around or just plain old abusing younger relatives, especially their kids. They have the funds to hire someone to clean their home, for example, but for whatever reason would just rather make their adult son or daughter go out of their way to do all the cleaning. Using the resources onsite means not calling his daughter to prove her love on a daily basis. It means having to find other things to do with himself, maybe play cards in the senior rec room, take a long walk, read a book-- all by himself. Perhaps it's a test of loyalty and devotion. Is there a big inheritance involved?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

If I were the wife, I certainly would. Stress reduced, problem solved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

Wow, she really did marry her dad.

?

What's the question? Her dad demands that his daughter's attention be on him and wasn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness. OP is demanding that his wife's attention be on him and isn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness.

Bit of a strawman, don't you think?

[Anonymous]

I’m team OP. THE WIFE NEEDS therapy. I can’t beli the posters in here. Let me get this straight , money is no object and he LIVES IN ASSISTED LIVING !?!? why should his daughter do everything when he is PAYING already for most of those services.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

OP, just because your wife is an adult, that doesn't necessarily mean she is not vulnerable to emotional manipulation and guilt trips. Some elderly people enjoy ordering around or just plain old abusing younger relatives, especially their kids. They have the funds to hire someone to clean their home, for example, but for whatever reason would just rather make their adult son or daughter go out of their way to do all the cleaning. Using the resources onsite means not calling his daughter to prove her love on a daily basis. It means having to find other things to do with himself, maybe play cards in the senior rec room, take a long walk, read a book-- all by himself. Perhaps it's a test of loyalty and devotion. Is there a big inheritance involved?

I know someone in this situation. Don't know about inheritance, but this family I know is 100% enmeshed. Narcissist elder piling on the guilt trips.