DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant. Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way. Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves." Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father. Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach. It's just setting her up to feel more guilt. What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad? She's going to be a mess.

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending. People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.

Everyone is going to die, eventually. It's not healthy to be so preoccupied with your parent's death that you neglect yourself, your family, and make yourself sick in the process.

No one's saying it is. But if OP pressures his wife to do less for her father, and she gives in against her inclination, and something happens to him, she's quite likely going to blame herself and possibly resent her husband. She has to come to the realization herself, and figure out what she can handle and what she can live with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant. Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way. Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves." Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father. Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach. It's just setting her up to feel more guilt. What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad? She's going to be a mess.

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending. People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.

Everyone is going to die, eventually. It's not healthy to be so preoccupied with your parent's death that you neglect yourself, your family, and make yourself sick in the process.

+1 Harsh, but true. This could all be made easier by tapping into the available resources at his assisted living complex. Those places are not cheap-- may as wee take advantage of what you're paying for. It's not going to make a difference on his deathbed where his groceries came from, who drove him to the doctor and who washed his sheets-- his daughter or a cleaning service. All that matters is that she is kind and loving toward him while being fair to herself. If she has a bad cold, who will take him shopping? Should she develop pneumonia to please her father?

[Anonymous]

Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

This is good advice. I'm going through something similar with my mother. More than anything, dealing with her is emotionally draining. Yet she is my mother and I will not stop trying to support and be there for her. Complaints from my husband about the fact that I am stretched thin are incredibly stressful. Yes, I know that I am stretched thin. That is my reality and complaining is not going to change that. DH's suggestion that I am not prioritizing my own family only creates guilt and resentment - that does not help either. I recognize that the situation is not ideal, but what I need from my husband (and what your DW needs from you) is a supportive attitude and one focused on problem solving. You many not agree with DW's decision to continue supporting her father, but you aren't going to change her mind by focusing on what a hypocrite he is. That attitude is a complete non-starter, I know it would be for me. I would suggest couple's therapy if she will go, so that you can help find a way to communicate about this in a productive way and also find strategies that allow her to provide support that are less damaging to your relationship and family dynamic. Therapy could also be helpful for her in terms of dealing with with the emotional impact of assisting her father.

OP here. Thanks for this. One of my issues is that, at times, DW doesn't seem to be open to problem solving. Sometimes, because she doesn't want to rock the boat and stir up conflict. Other times, I think, because that would require her to do some hard introspection and make some hard changes about boundaries. For example, an in-home full time caregiver has seemed, at times, to be a very appropriate and necessary step. DW resisted even bringing this up to him. After months, she finally did. He immediately shot that down, saying that he doesn't need that, yet. He doesn't think he is at the point in life where he needs that. (Of course he doesn't because DW is free labor, on demand). Full time care has never been brought up again.

OP, like most men, you're a "fixer", you hear her complaining and you want to offer her solutions. She, on the other hand, is processing her emotions about this difficult scenario by venting to you. She wants you to hear her, offer her a shoulder to cry on, give her a hug and tell her it's okay and that you support her.

Can you try the silent, supportive hug approach? Give her emotional support by just listening to her without offering solutions?

Yes, I can do this. I do it already, but will try to do it more.

It is hard though to hear her and see her cry, stressed, anguished over being stressed/overwhelmed/feeling burdened month after month, year after year, with no real attempt to change the situation.

God helps those who help themselves. I go back and forth between being sad for her and the situation, and annoyed/frustrated that there are PLENTY of solutions/aids that could improve his and her AND our lives---but both of them are unwilling, for various reasons, to do something. Kind of like crying that you are starving when you are sitting in a house full of food within arm's reach.

Does she realize that she is helping to create stressful last memories with her father? Her last memories may be slaving away for years, wearing herself down to a shell, until she secretly feels relief instead of grief when it's over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

[Anonymous]

OP, have you been through the aging/infirmity process with your own parents yet? I suspect you haven't, and I suspect you don't really get how much can be involved. Even in an assisted living facility, people need to have family members around regularly to make sure they're be cared for appropriately. An assisted living may provide transportation to doctor appointments, but they're not going to provide someone to go in with you and hear what the doctor has to say to make sure you understand everything. You seem very dismissive of the fact that he's in an assisted living facility, as if it's totally unnecessary, but assisted living facilities typically have eligibility requirements and you can't get a bed there if you do not require a certain level of assistance with your daily activities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

How long has he been in assisted living?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

I mean this nicely , but we get it. He sounds really difficult and I don't blame you for not liking him. What you don't seem to get is that posters are telling you to knock this off with your wife. She needs your support, kindness, and love. Approaching her as a concerned spouse for HER well being and leaving out YOUR feelings about him and yourself are going to make a MUCH more welcoming environment for your wife to feel like she can talk to you. So for now, knock it off. Be a loving and supportive husband. Help your wife find a therapist. Do not phrase it as she needs someone to talk to her about dealing with her dad , rather someone to help her with her feelings surrounding her dad and his illness and it's toll on her.

I'm hoping you can do this. I'm honestly not sure though since all your posts are just the same thing about what a jerk you think he is. If you find that you're not able to support your wife, then your wife is right. You are being selfish and tone death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, have you been through the aging/infirmity process with your own parents yet? I suspect you haven't, and I suspect you don't really get how much can be involved. Even in an assisted living facility, people need to have family members around regularly to make sure they're be cared for appropriately. An assisted living may provide transportation to doctor appointments, but they're not going to provide someone to go in with you and hear what the doctor has to say to make sure you understand everything. You seem very dismissive of the fact that he's in an assisted living facility, as if it's totally unnecessary, but assisted living facilities typically have eligibility requirements and you can't get a bed there if you do not require a certain level of assistance with your daily activities.

Are there any other relatives who could step up? A younger sibling of his who is still healthy and energetic and could drop off dinner even? Does he have any friends left? What about a religious group that has special dinners, i.e. at a church? Does he socialize?

[Anonymous]

So you are close to the edge because? Is it her confiding in you how difficult her dad is? Is she absent from house, you, your family all the time? I agree that she should not engage so much with her dad and find different options that will lessen her burden of taking him everywhere and dealing with him, but why are you on the edge? Why is it so hard to be a shoulder for her to cry on? It certainly makes me think you are just as selfish as her dad and wish she was there for you as she is there for him. Jealousy rather than concern. If you are at work while she is doing all this care for him, why does it matter? One day, maybe she will take care of you, and it doesn't sound like you will be easy elderly person, so maybe start seeing that we all end up old and have health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

NP here. It just sounds like he has to sit there watching her being used and ground down to nothing by the man. If this were another relative, for example, a aunt, who was demanding help on a daily basis, some of us would probably say enough is enough, the old lady needs to pay for a home health aide or companion. Just because it's her dad doesn't give him license to drain the life out of his daughter. I wouldn't want to watch my own husband be worn down by his parents if they were obviously taking advantage of him all the time, never saying thank you, always asking for me and refusing to do anything to make the situation easier for the one who has to do all the work.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

I mean this nicely , but we get it. He sounds really difficult and I don't blame you for not liking him. What you don't seem to get is that posters are telling you to knock this off with your wife. She needs your support, kindness, and love. Approaching her as a concerned spouse for HER well being and leaving out YOUR feelings about him and yourself are going to make a MUCH more welcoming environment for your wife to feel like she can talk to you. So for now, knock it off. Be a loving and supportive husband. Help your wife find a therapist. Do not phrase it as she needs someone to talk to her about dealing with her dad , rather someone to help her with her feelings surrounding her dad and his illness and it's toll on her.

I'm hoping you can do this. I'm honestly not sure though since all your posts are just the same thing about what a jerk you think he is. If you find that you're not able to support your wife, then your wife is right. You are being selfish and tone death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

I mean this nicely , but we get it. He sounds really difficult and I don't blame you for not liking him. What you don't seem to get is that posters are telling you to knock this off with your wife. She needs your support, kindness, and love. Approaching her as a concerned spouse for HER well being and leaving out YOUR feelings about him and yourself are going to make a MUCH more welcoming environment for your wife to feel like she can talk to you. So for now, knock it off. Be a loving and supportive husband. Help your wife find a therapist. Do not phrase it as she needs someone to talk to her about dealing with her dad , rather someone to help her with her feelings surrounding her dad and his illness and it's toll on her.

I'm hoping you can do this. I'm honestly not sure though since all your posts are just the same thing about what a jerk you think he is. If you find that you're not able to support your wife, then your wife is right. You are being selfish and tone death.

NP here. It just sounds like he has to sit there watching her being used and ground down to nothing by the man. If this were another relative, for example, a aunt, who was demanding help on a daily basis, some of us would probably say enough is enough, the old lady needs to pay for a home health aide or companion. Just because it's her dad doesn't give him license to drain the life out of his daughter. I wouldn't want to watch my own husband be worn down by his parents if they were obviously taking advantage of him all the time, never saying thank you, always asking for me and refusing to do anything to make the situation easier for the one who has to do all the work.

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have kids? Do you have other obligations besides work and routine household stuff? Because I remember my pre-kid days, they were that long ago, and we had a lot of free time on evenings and weekends, even with chores, cooking, etc. You're making it out like you're this deeply put-upon person who can barely catch his breath because you have so much to do keeping things going at home while your wife cares for her dad, but I'm just not seeing it from what you've actually posted, the only things you've mentioned are grocery shopping and cooking. I've done enough of that to know it's not sucking up every free moment of your time.

[Anonymous]

Op, I’ve been in your wife’s position helping taking care of my dad in a pretty unsustainable situation. It was exhausting to put it lightly. I think it’s ok for you to suggest that your wife take some time for herself and hire help. She may not listen but it’s perfectly ok to suggest it. But never, ever, say anything negative about her Dad even if it’s 100% true. My dad was a selfish and self-centered man who was a hypocritical and stubborn. That’s ok for me to say, but not ok for my DH to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, when you try to talk to her, temper down your obvious disdain for your FIL. Silence the "I'm about at my wit's end" side of things. She probably sees it as attacking and goes on the defense. I also think you need to learn to be a little more sympathetic, it goes a LONG way.

My dad has Parkinsons. It has gotten worse over the past year and this is probably the last year that my mom will be able to leave him alone for a day. As it is, she does basically everything around the house and has had to step up in ways she couldn't have imagined. It's also caused my brother and I to step up. It's REALLY hard to see your parent become a different person. It's hard to see the anger, the personality changes, the physical changes, etc. It sounds like your poor wife is doing this all one mentally and physically. It's fine if you don't want to support her physically, but you need to step up mentally. One of my biggest fears is that my mom passes away before my dad. I can't imagine having to grieve over that loss while also under taking the responsibility of my dad. Yes , we could get him 24/7 caregivers, but there is guilt associated with that. It's something I don't think you can understand

So my takeaway is YES, your wife needs help , she needs to stand up to her dad, and she needs to take care of herself. However, you need to be there for her. She needs your support, not your disdain and anger. Given what you've said here and her responses to you, it doesn't sound like you're emotionally supportive at all. You're just adding to her guilt and stress, which I don't think you mean to do.

OP here. I definitely do not mean to add to her guilt and stress. That is not my intention at all. And I have clear disdain for my FIL, that is true.

It's so hard to see my wife doing this, that, driving here and there, picking up this that, stepping up as if she is a spouse AND paid domestic helper. On top of it, FIL is an asshole. My wife could go over there on Saturday for several hours. By Sunday he wants to know what her ETA is for Monday. It's never enough. This could go on for decades.

I mean this nicely , but we get it. He sounds really difficult and I don't blame you for not liking him. What you don't seem to get is that posters are telling you to knock this off with your wife. She needs your support, kindness, and love. Approaching her as a concerned spouse for HER well being and leaving out YOUR feelings about him and yourself are going to make a MUCH more welcoming environment for your wife to feel like she can talk to you. So for now, knock it off. Be a loving and supportive husband. Help your wife find a therapist. Do not phrase it as she needs someone to talk to her about dealing with her dad , rather someone to help her with her feelings surrounding her dad and his illness and it's toll on her.

I'm hoping you can do this. I'm honestly not sure though since all your posts are just the same thing about what a jerk you think he is. If you find that you're not able to support your wife, then your wife is right. You are being selfish and tone death.

NP here. It just sounds like he has to sit there watching her being used and ground down to nothing by the man. If this were another relative, for example, a aunt, who was demanding help on a daily basis, some of us would probably say enough is enough, the old lady needs to pay for a home health aide or companion. Just because it's her dad doesn't give him license to drain the life out of his daughter. I wouldn't want to watch my own husband be worn down by his parents if they were obviously taking advantage of him all the time, never saying thank you, always asking for me and refusing to do anything to make the situation easier for the one who has to do all the work.

I'm not saying that he should just sit there and do nothing. I'm saying he needs to approach it differently. It sounds like whenever he brings it up, it's just a repeat about what a jerk he is, how he's a user, how he's draining her, how her stress if effecting him and their marriage , etc etc. Given how she's responded, it's obvious that the way he's handled it so far is not effective. Just caused his wife to get mad at him and ignore what he's saying. I'm saying if he drops his side of it and makes it more Bout her, she will be more receptive to changing things.