DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

[Anonymous]

I think going to a therapist will help you be able to set boundaries and figure how to respond in kindness and love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

This is good advice. I'm going through something similar with my mother. More than anything, dealing with her is emotionally draining. Yet she is my mother and I will not stop trying to support and be there for her. Complaints from my husband about the fact that I am stretched thin are incredibly stressful. Yes, I know that I am stretched thin. That is my reality and complaining is not going to change that. DH's suggestion that I am not prioritizing my own family only creates guilt and resentment - that does not help either. I recognize that the situation is not ideal, but what I need from my husband (and what your DW needs from you) is a supportive attitude and one focused on problem solving. You many not agree with DW's decision to continue supporting her father, but you aren't going to change her mind by focusing on what a hypocrite he is. That attitude is a complete non-starter, I know it would be for me. I would suggest couple's therapy if she will go, so that you can help find a way to communicate about this in a productive way and also find strategies that allow her to provide support that are less damaging to your relationship and family dynamic. Therapy could also be helpful for her in terms of dealing with with the emotional impact of assisting her father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

This is good advice. I'm going through something similar with my mother. More than anything, dealing with her is emotionally draining. Yet she is my mother and I will not stop trying to support and be there for her. Complaints from my husband about the fact that I am stretched thin are incredibly stressful. Yes, I know that I am stretched thin. That is my reality and complaining is not going to change that. DH's suggestion that I am not prioritizing my own family only creates guilt and resentment - that does not help either. I recognize that the situation is not ideal, but what I need from my husband (and what your DW needs from you) is a supportive attitude and one focused on problem solving. You many not agree with DW's decision to continue supporting her father, but you aren't going to change her mind by focusing on what a hypocrite he is. That attitude is a complete non-starter, I know it would be for me. I would suggest couple's therapy if she will go, so that you can help find a way to communicate about this in a productive way and also find strategies that allow her to provide support that are less damaging to your relationship and family dynamic. Therapy could also be helpful for her in terms of dealing with with the emotional impact of assisting her father.

+1 the father’s past behavior is irrelevant. It’s not their job to “punish”him for it now.

Still, DW has to take care of herself. If she’s older, in her 50s or 60s, she could end up martyring herself with a heart attacking or high blood pressure for dear old dad who will live to 105.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant. Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way. Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves." Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father. Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach. It's just setting her up to feel more guilt. What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad? She's going to be a mess.

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending. People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.

[Anonymous]

OP, I have no advice for you, except to spend some time thinking about what others have written on here.

The main one being that sometimes we have to do painful things for causes that we don't believe in...

[Anonymous]

I think there is a good chance that the "support" you are trying to offer your wife ends up causing more stress and guilt for her. She is clearly falling for the guilt trip that her father has put on her and now she knows that you are very unhappy with how she is handling it all which makes her feel guilty about that as well. And once she gets in that downward spiral even if you try to be more supportive, she's going to think it's just because you are still working on getting more of her time and emotional energy back focused on you. Until you get some of these issues out on the table in an honest and thoughtful way (a therapist can help), there won't be a good solution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So just like him, you're making this all about you, you, you. Wow OP.

Seriously. I'm kinda blown away by the attitude here. Op seems to have no qualms over adding to the wife's burdens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

So are you mad that you have to do the household stuff? Do you guys have kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

Wow, she really did marry her dad.

?

What's the question? Her dad demands that his daughter's attention be on him and wasn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness. OP is demanding that his wife's attention be on him and isn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness.

Bit of a strawman, don't you think?

NP. Please don't use big words like "strawman" when you don't know what the heck it means.

Carry on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

This is good advice. I'm going through something similar with my mother. More than anything, dealing with her is emotionally draining. Yet she is my mother and I will not stop trying to support and be there for her. Complaints from my husband about the fact that I am stretched thin are incredibly stressful. Yes, I know that I am stretched thin. That is my reality and complaining is not going to change that. DH's suggestion that I am not prioritizing my own family only creates guilt and resentment - that does not help either. I recognize that the situation is not ideal, but what I need from my husband (and what your DW needs from you) is a supportive attitude and one focused on problem solving. You many not agree with DW's decision to continue supporting her father, but you aren't going to change her mind by focusing on what a hypocrite he is. That attitude is a complete non-starter, I know it would be for me. I would suggest couple's therapy if she will go, so that you can help find a way to communicate about this in a productive way and also find strategies that allow her to provide support that are less damaging to your relationship and family dynamic. Therapy could also be helpful for her in terms of dealing with with the emotional impact of assisting her father.

OP here. Thanks for this. One of my issues is that, at times, DW doesn't seem to be open to problem solving. Sometimes, because she doesn't want to rock the boat and stir up conflict. Other times, I think, because that would require her to do some hard introspection and make some hard changes about boundaries. For example, an in-home full time caregiver has seemed, at times, to be a very appropriate and necessary step. DW resisted even bringing this up to him. After months, she finally did. He immediately shot that down, saying that he doesn't need that, yet. He doesn't think he is at the point in life where he needs that. (Of course he doesn't because DW is free labor, on demand). Full time care has never been brought up again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She needs to become the adult. The decision-making adult. He does not get to dictate the terms. She has to be willing to not be liked. To keep him safe, and to get appropriate help, she has to be willing to not be liked, to not be loved. And this is what adults do. They do what needs to be done.

Op, you give us very little useful information. Where is Dad living? What assistance does he need, who helps him w/ dressing, eating, medication/mobility? What exactly is it he needs?

Dad lives in an assisted living large community. He is only there because DW's late mom made that decision to move a few years back. Incredibly Ironic, because he does not utilize most of resources available to him onsite. I think 2/3 of what he "needs" is companionship and emotional unloading. This is what kills my wife. Watching him give up, complain, plan his funeral. 1/3 to 1/2 is physical, depending on the day. She has had to deal with bathroom issues, transport to doctors, errand running, and so on.

I repeat- he was completely hands off for all of this for his own parents. Outsourced it all to paid help and my wife.

The fact that your FIL is a jerk is irrelevant. Your wife obviously isn't approaching the issue that way. Maybe it's about what she has to do to be able to live with herself, not what she thinks her dad "deserves." Maybe he's a jackass, but he's still her father. Yes, it's hard on you, and your wishes matter, too, but putting her in the middle and making her choose is the wrong approach. It's just setting her up to feel more guilt. What happens if she pulls back and then something happens to her dad? She's going to be a mess.

I would suggest researching a few support groups for caregivers of elderly parents that your wife can try attending. People who are going through the same thing she is are more likely to be able to help her see that she needs to take care of herself, set some limits regarding how much time she spends with him, and figure out ways to find balance in a situation that might go on for years.

Everyone is going to die, eventually. It's not healthy to be so preoccupied with your parent's death that you neglect yourself, your family, and make yourself sick in the process.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

So are you mad that you have to do the household stuff? Do you guys have kids?

Not mad that I do household stuff. But there's not much more I can take on, because I already do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

This is good advice. I'm going through something similar with my mother. More than anything, dealing with her is emotionally draining. Yet she is my mother and I will not stop trying to support and be there for her. Complaints from my husband about the fact that I am stretched thin are incredibly stressful. Yes, I know that I am stretched thin. That is my reality and complaining is not going to change that. DH's suggestion that I am not prioritizing my own family only creates guilt and resentment - that does not help either. I recognize that the situation is not ideal, but what I need from my husband (and what your DW needs from you) is a supportive attitude and one focused on problem solving. You many not agree with DW's decision to continue supporting her father, but you aren't going to change her mind by focusing on what a hypocrite he is. That attitude is a complete non-starter, I know it would be for me. I would suggest couple's therapy if she will go, so that you can help find a way to communicate about this in a productive way and also find strategies that allow her to provide support that are less damaging to your relationship and family dynamic. Therapy could also be helpful for her in terms of dealing with with the emotional impact of assisting her father.

OP here. Thanks for this. One of my issues is that, at times, DW doesn't seem to be open to problem solving. Sometimes, because she doesn't want to rock the boat and stir up conflict. Other times, I think, because that would require her to do some hard introspection and make some hard changes about boundaries. For example, an in-home full time caregiver has seemed, at times, to be a very appropriate and necessary step. DW resisted even bringing this up to him. After months, she finally did. He immediately shot that down, saying that he doesn't need that, yet. He doesn't think he is at the point in life where he needs that. (Of course he doesn't because DW is free labor, on demand). Full time care has never been brought up again.

OP, like most men, you're a "fixer", you hear her complaining and you want to offer her solutions. She, on the other hand, is processing her emotions about this difficult scenario by venting to you. She wants you to hear her, offer her a shoulder to cry on, give her a hug and tell her it's okay and that you support her.

Can you try the silent, supportive hug approach? Give her emotional support by just listening to her without offering solutions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

So are you mad that you have to do the household stuff? Do you guys have kids?

Not mad that I do household stuff. But there's not much more I can take on, because I already do it.

What else is there?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

This is good advice. I'm going through something similar with my mother. More than anything, dealing with her is emotionally draining. Yet she is my mother and I will not stop trying to support and be there for her. Complaints from my husband about the fact that I am stretched thin are incredibly stressful. Yes, I know that I am stretched thin. That is my reality and complaining is not going to change that. DH's suggestion that I am not prioritizing my own family only creates guilt and resentment - that does not help either. I recognize that the situation is not ideal, but what I need from my husband (and what your DW needs from you) is a supportive attitude and one focused on problem solving. You many not agree with DW's decision to continue supporting her father, but you aren't going to change her mind by focusing on what a hypocrite he is. That attitude is a complete non-starter, I know it would be for me. I would suggest couple's therapy if she will go, so that you can help find a way to communicate about this in a productive way and also find strategies that allow her to provide support that are less damaging to your relationship and family dynamic. Therapy could also be helpful for her in terms of dealing with with the emotional impact of assisting her father.

OP here. Thanks for this. One of my issues is that, at times, DW doesn't seem to be open to problem solving. Sometimes, because she doesn't want to rock the boat and stir up conflict. Other times, I think, because that would require her to do some hard introspection and make some hard changes about boundaries. For example, an in-home full time caregiver has seemed, at times, to be a very appropriate and necessary step. DW resisted even bringing this up to him. After months, she finally did. He immediately shot that down, saying that he doesn't need that, yet. He doesn't think he is at the point in life where he needs that. (Of course he doesn't because DW is free labor, on demand). Full time care has never been brought up again.

OP, like most men, you're a "fixer", you hear her complaining and you want to offer her solutions. She, on the other hand, is processing her emotions about this difficult scenario by venting to you. She wants you to hear her, offer her a shoulder to cry on, give her a hug and tell her it's okay and that you support her.

Can you try the silent, supportive hug approach? Give her emotional support by just listening to her without offering solutions?

Yes, I can do this. I do it already, but will try to do it more.

It is hard though to hear her and see her cry, stressed, anguished over being stressed/overwhelmed/feeling burdened month after month, year after year, with no real attempt to change the situation.

God helps those who help themselves. I go back and forth between being sad for her and the situation, and annoyed/frustrated that there are PLENTY of solutions/aids that could improve his and her AND our lives---but both of them are unwilling, for various reasons, to do something. Kind of like crying that you are starving when you are sitting in a house full of food within arm's reach.