DW can't manage or handle her aging dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

If I were the wife, I certainly would. Stress reduced, problem solved.

Ok. They divorce and Dad croaks. Now what? DW has abandoned her nuclear family...the family she CHOSE. Because she was unable to create healthy boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the crasher above. I'll respond more later. For now please know that you are NOT being selfish and are NOT a bad person for wanting this to be different and less complicated. Not all cases of elder care are easily manageable. Long term medical decline and side effects from medications can leave you with a parent you do not recognize. Mental health issues. Personality or behavior disorders etc.

Tune out the judgement of others. Filter through the posts and pull out the snippets of advice and support.

+1. Ignore the people calling you selfish for not wanting this situation to destroy your wife, and marriage, in the process. Your FIL sounds like the incredibly selfish one. I'm sorry I don't have advice for you. I have not been in your situation personally, although I was involved in my mother's end of life care. She was nowhere near how you've described your FIL, and yet it was still one of the most stressful periods of my life. AND I had help. Please focus on the posters who are actually trying to help you help your wife.

OP, if you have kids and have been through the early years and used daycare or a full-time preschool, you and your wife should know there is no problem with outsourcing help (of course, unless the schools or daycare turned out to be terrible). People are often glad to use outsourced services for small children but when it comes to elderly parents, it's not an option for whatever reason, especially when the parents are kicking and screaming like two-year-olds utilizing the perfectly ok to use assisted living bus to the mall or supermarket. There are various reasons for using a daycare or nursery school-- a full-time job, the need to work extra hours, the need for your child to start socializing and keeping his/her mind engaged, or simply the need to maintain your own sanity. Same goes for dealing with elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

If I were the wife, I certainly would. Stress reduced, problem solved.

Ok. They divorce and Dad croaks. Now what? DW has abandoned her nuclear family...the family she CHOSE. Because she was unable to create healthy boundaries.

Or DW finds someone kinder, more loving and less selfish, marries him, and lives happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

Wow, she really did marry her dad.

?

What's the question? Her dad demands that his daughter's attention be on him and wasn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness. OP is demanding that his wife's attention be on him and isn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness.

Bit of a strawman, don't you think?

How so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the crasher above. I'll respond more later. For now please know that you are NOT being selfish and are NOT a bad person for wanting this to be different and less complicated. Not all cases of elder care are easily manageable. Long term medical decline and side effects from medications can leave you with a parent you do not recognize. Mental health issues. Personality or behavior disorders etc.

Tune out the judgement of others. Filter through the posts and pull out the snippets of advice and support.

+1. Ignore the people calling you selfish for not wanting this situation to destroy your wife, and marriage, in the process. Your FIL sounds like the incredibly selfish one. I'm sorry I don't have advice for you. I have not been in your situation personally, although I was involved in my mother's end of life care. She was nowhere near how you've described your FIL, and yet it was still one of the most stressful periods of my life. AND I had help. Please focus on the posters who are actually trying to help you help your wife.

OP, if you have kids and have been through the early years and used daycare or a full-time preschool, you and your wife should know there is no problem with outsourcing help (of course, unless the schools or daycare turned out to be terrible). People are often glad to use outsourced services for small children but when it comes to elderly parents, it's not an option for whatever reason, especially when the parents are kicking and screaming like two-year-olds utilizing the perfectly ok to use assisted living bus to the mall or supermarket. There are various reasons for using a daycare or nursery school-- a full-time job, the need to work extra hours, the need for your child to start socializing and keeping his/her mind engaged, or simply the need to maintain your own sanity. Same goes for dealing with elderly parents.

I don't think OP and his wife have kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

If I were the wife, I certainly would. Stress reduced, problem solved.

Ok. They divorce and Dad croaks. Now what? DW has abandoned her nuclear family...the family she CHOSE. Because she was unable to create healthy boundaries.

Now what is that she is free to create the life that she wants either alone or with someone else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

If I were the wife, I certainly would. Stress reduced, problem solved.

Ok. They divorce and Dad croaks. Now what? DW has abandoned her nuclear family...the family she CHOSE. Because she was unable to create healthy boundaries.

Or DW finds someone kinder, more loving and less selfish, marries him, and lives happily ever after.

DW stopped paying attention to and devoting appropriate time to her marriage. Is OP supposed to be ok with putting their marriage/lives/plans on indefinite hold? What if her dad lives for another 15 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

If I were the wife, I certainly would. Stress reduced, problem solved.

What is selfish about asking an elderly person with plenty of funds to use the available assisted living bus to a medical appointment or calling Peapod to deliver is groceries instead of his daughter once in a while? Nothing wrong with asking someone to use the easist solution for everyone involved. It's not selfish-- it's practical.


Ok. They divorce and Dad croaks. Now what? DW has abandoned her nuclear family...the family she CHOSE. Because she was unable to create healthy boundaries.

Or DW finds someone kinder, more loving and less selfish, marries him, and lives happily ever after.

[Anonymous]

OP - get some therapy to deal with this situation, I get that your DW is stressing over the caregiving and it affects everyone around her. It's no one fault that this happens but how you deal with it matters most.
I come from a family of 5 siblings and our parents' care tore the family apart, I cannot even imagine how their partners get though it. I am single and had to set boundaries since there was an "assumption" that I had more time to give than they did, but horrible feelings all around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the crasher above. I'll respond more later. For now please know that you are NOT being selfish and are NOT a bad person for wanting this to be different and less complicated. Not all cases of elder care are easily manageable. Long term medical decline and side effects from medications can leave you with a parent you do not recognize. Mental health issues. Personality or behavior disorders etc.

Tune out the judgement of others. Filter through the posts and pull out the snippets of advice and support.

+1. Ignore the people calling you selfish for not wanting this situation to destroy your wife, and marriage, in the process. Your FIL sounds like the incredibly selfish one. I'm sorry I don't have advice for you. I have not been in your situation personally, although I was involved in my mother's end of life care. She was nowhere near how you've described your FIL, and yet it was still one of the most stressful periods of my life. AND I had help. Please focus on the posters who are actually trying to help you help your wife.

OP, if you have kids and have been through the early years and used daycare or a full-time preschool, you and your wife should know there is no problem with outsourcing help (of course, unless the schools or daycare turned out to be terrible). People are often glad to use outsourced services for small children but when it comes to elderly parents, it's not an option for whatever reason, especially when the parents are kicking and screaming like two-year-olds utilizing the perfectly ok to use assisted living bus to the mall or supermarket. There are various reasons for using a daycare or nursery school-- a full-time job, the need to work extra hours, the need for your child to start socializing and keeping his/her mind engaged, or simply the need to maintain your own sanity. Same goes for dealing with elderly parents.

I don't think OP and his wife have kids.

Many of us do. As someone who has had to use a daycare, using it once in a while doesn't turn you into the Satan's wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

Wow, she really did marry her dad.

?

What's the question? Her dad demands that his daughter's attention be on him and wasn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness. OP is demanding that his wife's attention be on him and isn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness.

Bit of a strawman, don't you think?

How so?

I don't thi k OP is demanding that his wife IGNORE her dad and obsess ove rhim all day long. It's not healthy to put your spouse or marriage or the family you created on the backburner because you won't put your foot down and erect some boundaries. As an aside, I don't think I would lift a finger either to help the dad in this situation. Kind of reinforcing and praising bad behavior, if you ask me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

If I were the wife, I certainly would. Stress reduced, problem solved.

Ok. They divorce and Dad croaks. Now what? DW has abandoned her nuclear family...the family she CHOSE. Because she was unable to create healthy boundaries.

Or DW finds someone kinder, more loving and less selfish, marries him, and lives happily ever after.

DW stopped paying attention to and devoting appropriate time to her marriage. Is OP supposed to be ok with putting their marriage/lives/plans on indefinite hold? What if her dad lives for another 15 years?

A kinder, less self husband might tell her he will take over the dad's groceries to help her out, and they try out Peapod to see if it works. Over time, if the wife sees that Peapod is, in fact, working well and reduces everyone's work load, she may get on board with that as a long-term solution, both for her dad and for their own household to make everyone's lives easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - get some therapy to deal with this situation, I get that your DW is stressing over the caregiving and it affects everyone around her. It's no one fault that this happens but how you deal with it matters most.
I come from a family of 5 siblings and our parents' care tore the family apart, I cannot even imagine how their partners get though it. I am single and had to set boundaries since there was an "assumption" that I had more time to give than they did, but horrible feelings all around.

This is so true. And those married without kids are similrarly treated

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What your wife's father did or didn't do for his parents is irrelevant here. Your wife is either unwilling or unable to pull back, and you really need to stop telling her to pull back. She will only do that when she reaches her own decision or breaking point.

That said, what you're experiencing is also valid. You miss her, your marriage is under a tremendous amount of stress, and it's not sustainable. I think you need to see a therapist. It would be great if your wife is willing to join you, but most likely she won't, not yet. So you go by yourself first, and hopefully you can both find a way forward.

Thanks for this. I am open to seeing a therapist.

I don't think she knows how close to the edge I am.

Are you prepared for the possibility that she'll agree divorce is the best option?

If I were the wife, I certainly would. Stress reduced, problem solved.

Ok. They divorce and Dad croaks. Now what? DW has abandoned her nuclear family...the family she CHOSE. Because she was unable to create healthy boundaries.

Or DW finds someone kinder, more loving and less selfish, marries him, and lives happily ever after.

DW stopped paying attention to and devoting appropriate time to her marriage. Is OP supposed to be ok with putting their marriage/lives/plans on indefinite hold? What if her dad lives for another 15 years?

A kinder, less self husband might tell her he will take over the dad's groceries to help her out, and they try out Peapod to see if it works. Over time, if the wife sees that Peapod is, in fact, working well and reduces everyone's work load, she may get on board with that as a long-term solution, both for her dad and for their own household to make everyone's lives easier.

It's not about grocery delivery. DW's dad could care less if he is sent Kraft or store-brand mustard. He wants his daughter ready to work for him 24/7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You've already tried telling her to hand back the responsibility and she's made it clear she's not comfortable with that, so don't keep pushing it. That's the opposite or supportive and helpful right now. If I were you, I would instead focus on how you can support and assist her. Can you take on more of the household responsibilities so there's less on her when she gets home? Offer to be the one to drive him to an appointment or run some errands for him? Instead of telling she should use Peapod to order groceries for him instead of shopping and delivering herself, offer to take responsibility for his groceries yourself, and then make your own decisions about to get it done. That includes not just doing the ordering yourself, but following up with her dad to make sure it arrived and that there was nothing missing, and going out for anything that was. Part of the struggle with delegating is trusting that the task will be done properly without her needing to be involved further, and if she knows that a Peapod order is going to result in phone calls to her from her dad about X that was missing or Y produce that wasn't to his liking, she may feel it's easier to just do it all herself because then she'll know it was done right the first time.

I work full time, and already do the lion's share of cooking, grocery shopping, cleaning, and so on. Someone has to keep the refrigerator full and cook the food.

I will be 100% honest and upfront and say that I am unwilling to take on responsibility for his appointments or groceries or care.

Wow, she really did marry her dad.

?

What's the question? Her dad demands that his daughter's attention be on him and wasn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness. OP is demanding that his wife's attention be on him and isn't willing to lift a finger to help through aging/illness.

Bit of a strawman, don't you think?

How so?

I don't thi k OP is demanding that his wife IGNORE her dad and obsess ove rhim all day long. It's not healthy to put your spouse or marriage or the family you created on the backburner because you won't put your foot down and erect some boundaries. As an aside, I don't think I would lift a finger either to help the dad in this situation. Kind of reinforcing and praising bad behavior, if you ask me.

My husband's father has a chronic illness that results in a lot of needs. He is unable to meet those needs himself in significant part because he was a total spendthrift his whole life and has nothing saved to pay for assistance, and in part because he is self-centered and doesn't think twice about asking DH to do everything (DH is an only child so there are no siblings to share the burden). I know FIL isn't going to change, and I know DH isn't going to stop being a loving and responsible son (nor do I want him to change that part of himself, it's a part of his core that cares about everyone and I love that in him), so I help him. Not to reward FIL, but because I love my husband and want to help ease his burdens just as he eases mine.