MIL is always telling us to dress our 10 month old "as a girl" ... when do we say something?
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Anonymous
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Not sure if this goes in this forum or the family one. Anyway:
We have one kid -- a 10 month old girl. MIL, who lives 2,000 miles away (and so only visits a few times a year) has sons and grandsons, and so she was super psyched to "finally" have a girl in the family. We are trying to raise our daughter so that she knows she can express herself in any way she wants. Even though she doesn't know what's going on right now, we're trying to start that off by buying her toys without regard for whether they're marketed for boys or girls (so she has dolls, cars, a dump truck, etc) and we've bought her clothes from the "boys" and "girls" section. My MIL is always telling us to "dress her like a girl." She's visiting now and I brought DD down after a nap in a dress. Earlier in the day I had her in shorts and a t-shirt. MIL said, "oh good! now she looks like a girl." I didn't acknowledge the comment. My question is: when do we say something, if ever? Obviously our daughter has no idea what's going on, but I don't want her to feel like her grandma is judging her, especially if she turns out to be less interested in stereotypically girly things. |
Anonymous
| Are you going to judge her if she does like stereotypically girly things? Most of the parents I know who have this attitude end up with very girly girls. And it's hard for them. Check your own inner prejudices. If you're truly going for equality is having some of things typically seems boy and some girl, your buying just as much into gender stereotypes. It shouldn't be this tortured. Buy plain clothes and plain toys. Let her decide what she likes later. |
Anonymous
Not at all. I really want her to feel like she can be whatever she wants to be. |
Anonymous
| I agree with her. If you had an older boy, it makes sense to reuse some things like pants but to buy them and force your beliefs on your child is exhausting. You are just as imposing as grandma. Dress her like a girl as she is one. Why confuse a child? If she chooses differently later on, support her. |
Anonymous
| This is not a big deal. Let it go. |
Anonymous
Force my beliefs on her? Like I said in the OP, she has dresses, pants, skirts ... everything. So I'm supposed to say, "you know, those pants are cute, but they're in the 'boy' section, so I won't get them for her"? That's ridiculous to me. |
Anonymous
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Don't say anything to MIL right now. Just ignore her comments.
Do raise your child with ideas like "there's no such thing as girl colors and boy colors" and "all toys are for all kids" and when your daughter is old enough to speak her mind she probably will. |
Anonymous
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I would say something immediately, but keep it light. "Are you worried that we'll forget she's a girl if she's not wearing a dress?" Etc. And I say this as someone who loves little girl's clothing, but thinks people hung on on whether an infant "looks like a girl" or "looks like a boy" are being silly, but also expressing some underlying anxieties.
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Anonymous
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I finally told MIL to cut it out recently after she would routinely comment on DD "acting like a boy" or "playing rough like a boy." I hit my limit one day when DD (almost 3 y/o) was pretending to "shoot" something and MIL told her "only boys play with guns." I said, "actually, NOBODY should be playing with guns, we don't play guns at home or at school because guns are very dangerous, DD. And MIL we need to stop with this 'like a boy' stuff because I don't like it and I don't want her to think she is limited from doing anything because she's not a boy.'" She hasn't said anything since.
As background, MIL and I engaged in a lengthy, very passive-aggressive (on her part) debate over pierced ears when DD was a baby. I don't know if that's pertinent here, but it kind of colored how I view MIL's gender-related commentary on DD because she was so insistent we piece DD's ears so she would "look like a girl." It was ridiculous. |
Anonymous
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Both of our mothers make similar comments about our 8 month old DD (also the first granddaughter for each after multiple grandsons). We just remind them that an 8 month old doesn't give a crap what they're wearing and we dress her for comfort and ease of movement, not aesthetics.
As DD gets older, if the grandmas give DD crap about what she's choosing to wear, I'll step in and put a stop to it. I was a tomboy myself and hated the nasty comments my maternal grandmother constantly made about me not being a girl because I didn't like dresses so I don't want DD to have to deal with that. However, for right now, DD isn't picking her own clothing so it's not like they're judging choices DD is making and I can handle their critiques about what I'm dressing her in. |
Anonymous
What does it mean to "dress like a girl"? Because last I checked, girls can also wear pants and t-shirts. If it's not "forcing your beliefs" on a child to dress her in pants, then why does it matter whether those pants were in the boys' section or the girls' section? |
Anonymous
How on Earth, would dressing a girl in shorts and t-shirts, confuse her?? That is just bizarre. My girls wear shorts and t-shirts all the time. They also wear dresses when they want. This in no way causes them any confusion. Hell, I wear jeans all the time and I'm not confused that I am indeed a girl. OP, isn't enforcing any gender beliefs on her kid. She's opening her DD up to both options. Sounds like she's willing to follow her DD's lead in regards to dress, once she's old enough to make her own choices. |
Anonymous
| OP, ask yourself -- if you had a boy, would you dress him in a pink dress to make the same point? If not, I think you should think about what that means. |
Anonymous
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If it were me, I'd just try to continue to ignore it the way you did. Kid's only 10 months so she's oblivious. As she gets older, if she turns out to be noncomforming in a way that makes your MIL nervous then deal with it.
I think the best thing is to be supportive of your child as they figure out who they are and the way they want to be. You don't know how your child will turn out so don't anticipate - but as always be on her side in these particular matters if MIL decides to make a fuss. Argh - this is bringing back teenage memories of my grandmother saying in exasperation - "So do you want to be a boy?!" when I was reluctant to go to a neighbor's square dance. But I didn't see her all that often so she wasn't really an issue - it was more that my parents, while not thrilled to have a tomboy for a daughter, didn't get in my way about it. They could have been more supportive but, hey, it was the 60s and 70s. At least they weren't nagging me to be a girly girl! I'm grateful for that! |
Anonymous
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OP, I agree with you and my one year old daughter has a mix of boy and girl clothes and toys. I also try to get more girl clothes in primary colors instead of just constant pink explosion. I made it clear with comments in context that there aren't boy or girl toys in my house and my kid can wear whatever's clean and most comfortable. My traditional side of the family got the hint and now corrects themselves most of the time ("oh, little grandson Larlo would love that truck ... (Five second pause) ... or granddaughter Larla!!!"). Good enough for me since they don't see her all that often.
I will say, she now LOVES fashion accessories and is obsessed with baby dolls. However, those accessories include baseball caps and boys sneakers, and she's also obsessed with dinosaurs and matchbox cars. So go with whatever's interesting them that moment, but don't try to limit their options. |