Please tell me you don't "thank" your spouse...

[Anonymous]

DH and I have had a rough few months - I don't feel very appreciated and I'm very much the default parent and it's getting exhausting. We've talked/fought about it multiple times so it's not like this is anything new. When he sees me starting to reach the end of my rope he'll start picking up a little bit of slack and then expect me to THANK HIM!! He'll point out simple things he did, like getting DS in his pajamas, or "cleaning" the kitchen, and then wait for me to say thank you... You're not doing me any favors, bud. I try to be appreciative when he actually does something useful without a prompt from me, but your'e not going to get fawned over for doing basic parenting or homeowner chores.

Vent over...

[Anonymous]

A successful marriage takes a lot of work from both sides. I can't tell how bad your DH is but you sound very immature.

[Anonymous]

It's very easy to fall into a place of resentment, and it takes work to see the good that others are contributing. I actively look for opportunities to tell my spouse "thank you" because when he feels appreciated, he's more likely to do something else to help.

Personally, I felt much better about my situation once I stopped keeping score.

[Anonymous]

No, I usually don't thank him, unless he comes and helps while I'm doing something, i.e. brings me something for DS while I"m in the middle of struggling with him or something. His response is always "he's my kid too, no need to thank me."

Vent away, OP.

[Anonymous]

It has to do with his love language. He's trying to show you that he's doing more. If a man empties a dishwasher and no one sees it, did it really happen?

DH and I both say thank you often to each other and both of us often feel appreciated. Thank you goes a long way.

[Anonymous]

We thank each other for the things we do - even though they are our responsibilities. It would really irritate me if the thanking was one-sided.

[Anonymous]

OP - this happened with my and my DH pre-baby. I nipped it in the bud and I am so glad I did. I pointed out he didn't thank me for doing things around the house... Why? Because he expected me to do it and it was a minimum expectation for living in a space and taking care of it. Same for him. It's no more my 'job' than it is his. I expect him to be a decent human/partner/roommate, and I won't be thanking him like he did me some sort of favor. He heard me and has been more attentive ever since. Now post-baby we have a pretty explicit divide of who does what so if one of us steps in to help the other we do thank each other.

[Anonymous]

I thank my husband frequently, but words of affirmation are my love language. I've told him many times that I'd like him to verbally acknowledge my contributions to the home and he doesn't.

But I still think saying "thank you" is a way to continually remind myself and my husband that we're both working hard and that I don't take his effort for granted.

[Anonymous]

We both thank each other. If he doesn't thank you for doing stuff around the house but expects you to thank him, ask him why that is.

[Anonymous]

Just say thank you if it will make things easier. No skin off your back.

[Anonymous]

You can acknowledge efforts without saying thank you. A little mutual respect and appreciation can go a long way. Obviously it can't be all one sided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We thank each other for the things we do - even though they are our responsibilities. It would really irritate me if the thanking was one-sided.

This. DH thanks me pretty regularly for everything I do for the kids and I thank him about as much for stuff around the house and busting his @ss at the office. I think It's important to recognize the contributions both of us are making to keep our family running - a lot of it is thankless work so it helps to have your partner recognize it.

[Anonymous]

My do occasionally says things like: do you want me to empty the dishwasher for you? Or do you want me to brush the kids teeth for you? He gets an earful every time. Why doesn't he stop? And yes, I do thank him all the time for the things he does. He sometimes thanks me.

[Anonymous]

I think being appreciative of your partner is valuable to keeping a positive relationship. I SAH and fix dinner nearly daily, but dh and the kids still say "thank you" for it. It's nice to be appreciated, even if it's one of my regular tasks in our division of labor.

Play the long game here, op. Saying thank you makes your partner feel appreciated, and encourages him to keep doing what he's doing. It's part of a positive feedback loop.

[Anonymous]

I'm pretty sarcastic with mine when he does the same thing ("I'll get you your gold star in a minute honey, as soon as I finish ALL THE OTHER THINGS"). But, I try to thank him regularly for the stuff that is "his" domain, like cooking and cleaning up the kitchen afterwards, and for when he has to handle all kid stuff, like when I go out of town for work. Not that I get thanked when I do the same for his work trips... Some men just need a little more affirmation, I guess. In the end, if he did something beyond what he normally does, might be best for general harmony to thank him. Separately, work on getting him to regularly do stuff beyond what he does now.