Please tell me you don't "thank" your spouse...

[Anonymous]

We thank each other, we thank the dog, we thank the kids - and guess what? The kids are pretty good about saying thank you without prompting. This is the easiest thing in the world and may matter more to some people than others, but it really hurts no one.

Now apologizing? Not as smooth in our family!

[Anonymous]

Being negative every time he does something certainly doesn't help.

My wife is very positive not passive aggressive. I'd describe her more as aggressive-aggressive. Lol. Anyway, when kids are little it seems like the mother is always the default parent and the husband is sort of pushed into a supporting role. My wife, being the positive person that she is sat down with me and we created a list of all the tasks that get done on a daily/ weekly basis. Then we agreed on who was doing what and created a list for me. This may seem sophmoric to you but I actully NEEDED a list to remember what to do every day. Once I had that it was easy to come home every day, know what needed to be done, and knock out the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We thank each other, we thank the dog, we thank the kids - and guess what? The kids are pretty good about saying thank you without prompting. This is the easiest thing in the world and may matter more to some people than others, but it really hurts no one.

Now apologizing? Not as smooth in our family!

Ha - we do that too! My husband and I thank each other for a lot of things, and also thank the pets for stuff. I still say good boy to the dog for pooping outside even though he's been housetrained for nearly a decade. I guess I think positive reinforcement is generally a good idea.

[Anonymous]

My DH is like you, and has the same attitude of "you're not doing me any favors". Surprise, I don't do a whole lot around the house now. No matter how much I do, it's never enough to satisfy His Majesty. It's exhausting living with someone like that.

If you would thank someone else for doing it, thank your spouse for doing it. They deserve just as much respect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We thank each other for the things we do - even though they are our responsibilities. It would really irritate me if the thanking was one-sided.

This. DH thanks me pretty regularly for everything I do for the kids and I thank him about as much for stuff around the house and busting his @ss at the office. I think It's important to recognize the contributions both of us are making to keep our family running - a lot of it is thankless work so it helps to have your partner recognize it.

Same for us (although we both work so we're each thanking each other for kid stuff and work stuff). Even for duties we split pretty evenly like getting up with DD at night, we still thank each other when it's the other persons turn to take care of her because we honestly ARE thankful. I love not having to wake up with her on the nights DH takes the night shift. I love getting ready by myself in the morning while DH takes care of her, rather than trying to entertain her while I'm showering and getting dressed. And he feels the same way when he gets to sleep on the nights I get up with her and when I'm taking care of her in the morning while he gets ready.

However, if he was only doing 10% of the housework or parenting, wasn't thanking me for doing the other 90%, then wanted a cookie every time he did something... No. Not happening.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I thank each other daily for tasks big and small.

[Anonymous]

My husband thanks me for dinner every night that I cook/prepare it. I don't think he's posting in an online forum that he can't believe he has to thank me for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I thank each other daily for tasks big and small.

Same here. It might seem silly but I just think it nurtured a good, positive, loving environment. Do I have to do it? No. But the effects of it are so positive and good for the relationship, that it's definitely worth the 2 seconds it takes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It has to do with his love language. He's trying to show you that he's doing more. If a man empties a dishwasher and no one sees it, did it really happen?

DH and I both say thank you often to each other and both of us often feel appreciated. Thank you goes a long way.

It doesn't sound like OP is getting thanked. So this doesn't work when one parent is doing all the work, not getting thanked, and expected to jump for joy while drowning.

[Anonymous]

No. I do not thank my H for parenting his own child or cleaning up his own mess or doing his own laundry.

We do thank whoever makes dinner. Thanks for dinner, it was delicious. So I get thanked a lot. Once my H said he wished he was thanked more and I said, make dinner. So he does now.

I will thank him for picking something up from the grocery store if I forgot it, or if he picks a nice bottle of wine.

So if you are never thanking him either you are wrong or he doesn't do things other than the bare minimum.

If you have not seen Chris Rock's stand-up about being thanked for doing sh*t you should be doing it is funny, it's dirty so don't play at work.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0B_ekSrsEk

Every once in a while my H will expect to be thanked and I just say "you want a cookie" and the point gets across. I am not thanking you for doing sh*t you are suppose to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I thank each other daily for tasks big and small.

We do too! "Thanks so much honey, the kitchen looks great!" "You went and filled up my tank? Thanks honey that's so appreciated!" He'll text me "my lunch is awesome! Thanks!"

Funny this, it makes us WANT to do more nice things for each other. Not just the regular stuff. Like going to fill my car up with gas when I have a long drive and an early morning the next day

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - this happened with my and my DH pre-baby. I nipped it in the bud and I am so glad I did. I pointed out he didn't thank me for doing things around the house... Why? Because he expected me to do it and it was a minimum expectation for living in a space and taking care of it. Same for him. It's no more my 'job' than it is his. I expect him to be a decent human/partner/roommate, and I won't be thanking him like he did me some sort of favor. He heard me and has been more attentive ever since. Now post-baby we have a pretty explicit divide of who does what so if one of us steps in to help the other we do thank each other.

THIS!!!!

OP, I understand why that is so irritating. I would be pretty furious if my DH made remarks like that, and would probably have something to say like the bolded above. That's not to say that I don't thank him for some things, some times. Especially if it is something particularly kind or thoughtful or I know he had to put extra effort into. Example, I'm probably not going to explicitly thank him for loading the dinner dishes into the dishwasher most nights. He's not going to thank me for doing a load of laundry. But I might thank him if he cleans up the whole kitchen and dining room after we had a bunch of people over for dinner and there was a giant mess. He might likewise stop and help me fold if he notices I'm on my fourth load of laundry of the weekend. So, I mean THAT's a reasonable give an take, I think, but recognition for every little things? Not reasonable.

[Anonymous]

I swallowed my resentment and thanked him when he did stuff. You know what? he started doing more stuff, started thanking ME for what I did, and generally the level of resentment between us went down. it also makes it a lot easier to ask him to do things, since he's not hearing only negative stuff.

while I empathize with how you may feel, his battle of wills and resentment will get you nowhere. Ya gotta put the pennies in the love bank now, and hope for compound interest. (or something like that).

[Anonymous]

Never mind the thanks, I'll take a BJ instead.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I thank each other for things. Some are dumb, some aren't. But it shows appreciation, and shows our kids that we respect each other.

Do I *have* to thank my husband for putting groceries away, or doing the dishes, or taking the trash out? No. Does he have to thank me for making dinner? No. But we do. And TBH it makes me feel appreciated when he does (and I am assuming the same is the case for him).