Please tell me you don't "thank" your spouse...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now I am understanding little kids who don't seem to know how to say thank you. They grow up in families where the parents never say it to each other!

Exactly! My nieces and nephews never say thank you (for example, when we're at the beach for a week and I make them a sandwich and hand it to them). It drives me crazy! My kids say thank you every time someone gives them something. It takes a nanosecond and lets people know they've been noticed.

Yes. Funny, though, I have a problem with ONE of my children and not the other. It is an automatic response for one, and a labor for the other. To be fair, it has also taken a long time for my spouse to get on board with the please/thank you thing. I keep trying to pound into the kid's heads that saying please and thank you isn't just polite, it is good for them -- nobody continues to give gifts to annoying, thankless children.

I have the same issue with my oldest (my youngest does it automatically) - but I don't pound. I stopped prompting him to say please and thank you. I model what I want him to do. So if I ask him to bring me something, I say please on the request and thank you when he brings it. And voila, he now magically does the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have had a rough few months - I don't feel very appreciated and I'm very much the default parent and it's getting exhausting. We've talked/fought about it multiple times so it's not like this is anything new. When he sees me starting to reach the end of my rope he'll start picking up a little bit of slack and then expect me to THANK HIM!! He'll point out simple things he did, like getting DS in his pajamas, or "cleaning" the kitchen, and then wait for me to say thank you... You're not doing me any favors, bud. I try to be appreciative when he actually does something useful without a prompt from me, but your'e not going to get fawned over for doing basic parenting or homeowner chores.

Vent over...

OP, what is easier. Continuing to have a rough marriage/eventually separating, or thanking him for at least trying to help you in his own way?

Things aren't going to get any better until you start somewhere. He is at least trying to start somewhere. You are expecting him to change overnight. He isn't going to change overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both thank each other. If he doesn't thank you for doing stuff around the house but expects you to thank him, ask him why that is.

This. If I walk into a clean kitchen, I am genuinely happy and thank DH. But he does the same.

[Anonymous]

I thank my spouse when they do something specifically for me. Refilling my coffee cup would be one. Please and thank you are common in our household. But, loading the dishwasher or if we had children changing their diaper, would not be an occasion. However, if my spouse was engaged in something and I was being delayed in responding to a child needed to be changed and I asked them to stop what they were doing and take care of the baby, then yes I would say thanks.

[Anonymous]

DH and I don't have assigned "jobs" in the house, so if he does something, I do say thank you. If he didn't do it, I'd do it, so he's saving me from a task. Plus, there's nothing wrong with always showing gratitude. You'd be surprised how that influences someone's perception of you when they're unhappy with you for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

I'm the one who wishes to be thanked, and fr a long time my DH felt like you do. Why be thanked or complimented when it's your job? He asked. I agree with whoever say it's a Love Language thing. Some people need or like verbal affirmation.that it's

[Anonymous]

We actually do thank each other for this stuff and it's because of what you're talking about - when the other person doesn't acknowledge you did something, resentment can build up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both thank each other. If he doesn't thank you for doing stuff around the house but expects you to thank him, ask him why that is.

This. If I walk into a clean kitchen, I am genuinely happy and thank DH. But he does the same.

What if you walk into a trashed kitchen but his coffee cup is in the sink. Do you thank him for bringing his cup to the sink while he is sitting on the couch reading his phone and expecting you to clean the kitchen.

The OP's H is not cleaning the kitchen. He is putting his cup in the sink and wants to be thanked.

[Anonymous]

Look, we should be kind to our spouses. I don't necessarily think you need to acknowledge the accomplishment of every duty with a thank you.

My DH does a lot but I do more-a lot more. He loves to spout the "don't keep score" line. And, if I did less, I'd feel that way too. But, I've long ago made my peace with the distribution of duties in the house.

The issue is he only thanks me when he knows I'm getting to the end of my rope with him not helping as much and I've got a lot going on. On the other hand, he expects affirmation for every little thing he does. God help us if he cooks a meal, because we have to tell him 5 times throughout that "yes, it's good." It's exhausting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

Bonding with his child IS good for the family. Strong, healthy attachments to both parents is good for the family, good for the mom, good for the kids. Not just him. Putting your own dishes in the sink is good for the family. He is modeling good behavior for the kids, he is doing something somebody else now doesn't have to do. He's keeping bugs from invading the living room. Washing his own clothes ... well, I see that is one less load that I do. Because, yeah, I do most of the laundry. So if my DH did a load of his dirty stuff ... big old thank you, because I didn't have to touch his underwear. And again, it models the right behavior to the kids. They see that everybody helps keep the household running.

I can't help thinking you, whomever keeps responding that he is just doing stuff for himself, must be a very selfish person if you can't see how actions impact others.

When I make dinner, and my DH thanks me for making dinner instead of criticizing that he doesn't like it (as may be the case), he is modeling to the kids how to behave, and expressing gratitude. He is making me feel good about my contribution to the family, and not like sh!t because nobody liked dinner (which, again, may be the case). When I thank DH for mowing the lawn, it is because I know how much work it was, even if it is his job. The kids can play in a clean, tidy yard. We won't get cited by the city for having grass that is too long. The neighbors won't fuss. I won't have to mow it.

You are totally missing the point. Your H NEVER says thanks to her but he expects a thanks. Do you get it. But he wants a thanks for doing less than the minimum.

Also, really ... stop doing your adult H laundry. You really need to teach your kids that adults do their own laundry. This is not "one less load" because he will eventually have to do it because he needs clothes.

God help me if we need to thank adults for doing their own laundry.

I really don't think you understand family dynamic if you think you have to bow down to your H for every single solitary contribution. Actually, he must do so little if you thank him for everything. I would be saying "thank you" 20 times a day.

Thanks for putting your cup in the sink.
Thanks for cleaning your own clothes.
Thanks for shaving.
Thanks for flushing the toilet.
Thanks for hugging the children this am.
Thanks for carrying your brief case to the car.
Thanks for bringing the mail in.
Thanks for putting your trash in the trashcan.
Thanks for taking the dog out.
Thanks for calling to say you forgot to feed the dog.
Thanks for turning off the tv.
Thanks for going to work.
Thanks for coming home from work.
Thanks for saying hi to me.
Thanks for telling our son his friend is at the door.
Thanks for turning off the lights before we went to bed.

Yep, I'll continue to do my DH's laundry. And he does mine. I don't think you get it, actually. I agree, it isn't fair for OP's H to expect thanks and not give it himself. I do thank my husband for a lot of those things on your list. Thanks for taking the dog out, shutting off the TV, turning off the light, calling to say you forgot something, bringing the mail in. I do all those things. I think maybe your relationships aren't built on mutual respect? I respect his time, and when he goes out of his way to do something, I say thanks.

I think maybe your relationship is not build on mutual respect. I am an equal to my H, he is an equal to me. I don't look at my H as "going out of his way" for doing the bare minimum. Going out of his way is doing something not expected or something I was supposed to do. I don't have to throw him a treat (see article about why men are like dogs) every time he does something. I think it is patronizing. Wow you are so incompetent I have to thanks you for stupid stuff.

Your relationship does not sound respectful or mutual.

I thank who ever does dinner, or anybody that does something on my list or does something for me. My kids say please and thank you to every person that does something for them... teachers, wait staff, coaches. I thank them for including a child at school that does not have friends or for standing up to a bully for another kid ... but I don't thank them for doing their homework, waking up on time.

But we are not in the habit of thanking people for not sucking.

DH hands me my mail. I say thanks. DH takes the kids to soccer practice, I say thanks, because it's nice to have somebody else do it. He says the same to me. Thanks for making dinner. Thanks for taking Larla to soccer. This isn't about affirming everything he does, or thanking him for not sucking. But if I'm there, and he does something that needed doing, I recognize it, and vice versa. TThings are being done that somebody has to do (me, him, the kids, somebody) and I say thank you.

EOS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

Thank you for your post.

See how stupid that is to thank people for every mundane thing they do.

It's really not stupid if it's done sincerely. But I see why you have marriage troubles.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand this conversation at all. It sounds like there is a shit ton of resentment because this can't be about the words "thank you", it sounds like there are a lot of people who keep score and operate under the pretense of what should be instead of what is.

I feel badly for all of you that really have an issue with saying thank you. It's not about saying thank you for every little thing (thank you for breathing, thank you for not murdering us in our sleep), it's about noticing things that your partner does to contribute. That's all. And if you don't want to do it then don't do it! But don't be surprised at the result.

[Anonymous]

I'll start saying Thank You for basic Life Skills Habits when he starts saying I'm Sorry for things like leaving the house unlocked all day, leaving the yogurt out to mold up, leaving the tools all over the house instead of back in the toolbox, putting garbage in the garbage can instead of countertop.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

Bonding with his child IS good for the family. Strong, healthy attachments to both parents is good for the family, good for the mom, good for the kids. Not just him. Putting your own dishes in the sink is good for the family. He is modeling good behavior for the kids, he is doing something somebody else now doesn't have to do. He's keeping bugs from invading the living room. Washing his own clothes ... well, I see that is one less load that I do. Because, yeah, I do most of the laundry. So if my DH did a load of his dirty stuff ... big old thank you, because I didn't have to touch his underwear. And again, it models the right behavior to the kids. They see that everybody helps keep the household running.

I can't help thinking you, whomever keeps responding that he is just doing stuff for himself, must be a very selfish person if you can't see how actions impact others.

When I make dinner, and my DH thanks me for making dinner instead of criticizing that he doesn't like it (as may be the case), he is modeling to the kids how to behave, and expressing gratitude. He is making me feel good about my contribution to the family, and not like sh!t because nobody liked dinner (which, again, may be the case). When I thank DH for mowing the lawn, it is because I know how much work it was, even if it is his job. The kids can play in a clean, tidy yard. We won't get cited by the city for having grass that is too long. The neighbors won't fuss. I won't have to mow it.

You are totally missing the point. Your H NEVER says thanks to her but he expects a thanks. Do you get it. But he wants a thanks for doing less than the minimum.

Also, really ... stop doing your adult H laundry. You really need to teach your kids that adults do their own laundry. This is not "one less load" because he will eventually have to do it because he needs clothes.

God help me if we need to thank adults for doing their own laundry.

I really don't think you understand family dynamic if you think you have to bow down to your H for every single solitary contribution. Actually, he must do so little if you thank him for everything. I would be saying "thank you" 20 times a day.

Thanks for putting your cup in the sink.
Thanks for cleaning your own clothes.
Thanks for shaving.
Thanks for flushing the toilet.
Thanks for hugging the children this am.
Thanks for carrying your brief case to the car.
Thanks for bringing the mail in.
Thanks for putting your trash in the trashcan.
Thanks for taking the dog out.
Thanks for calling to say you forgot to feed the dog.
Thanks for turning off the tv.
Thanks for going to work.
Thanks for coming home from work.
Thanks for saying hi to me.
Thanks for telling our son his friend is at the door.
Thanks for turning off the lights before we went to bed.

Yep, I'll continue to do my DH's laundry. And he does mine. I don't think you get it, actually. I agree, it isn't fair for OP's H to expect thanks and not give it himself. I do thank my husband for a lot of those things on your list. Thanks for taking the dog out, shutting off the TV, turning off the light, calling to say you forgot something, bringing the mail in. I do all those things. I think maybe your relationships aren't built on mutual respect? I respect his time, and when he goes out of his way to do something, I say thanks.

I think maybe your relationship is not build on mutual respect. I am an equal to my H, he is an equal to me. I don't look at my H as "going out of his way" for doing the bare minimum. Going out of his way is doing something not expected or something I was supposed to do. I don't have to throw him a treat (see article about why men are like dogs) every time he does something. I think it is patronizing. Wow you are so incompetent I have to thanks you for stupid stuff.

Your relationship does not sound respectful or mutual.

I thank who ever does dinner, or anybody that does something on my list or does something for me. My kids say please and thank you to every person that does something for them... teachers, wait staff, coaches. I thank them for including a child at school that does not have friends or for standing up to a bully for another kid ... but I don't thank them for doing their homework, waking up on time.

But we are not in the habit of thanking people for not sucking.

DH hands me my mail. I say thanks. DH takes the kids to soccer practice, I say thanks, because it's nice to have somebody else do it. He says the same to me. Thanks for making dinner. Thanks for taking Larla to soccer. This isn't about affirming everything he does, or thanking him for not sucking. But if I'm there, and he does something that needed doing, I recognize it, and vice versa. TThings are being done that somebody has to do (me, him, the kids, somebody) and I say thank you.

EOS.

That is not what this thread is about... start one about everybody that contributes thanking each other.

This is about a H that does not thank a wife because it is "her job" and wants a "thanks" for doing mundane stuff.

EOS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

Thank you for your post.

See how stupid that is to thank people for every mundane thing they do.

It's really not stupid if it's done sincerely. But I see why you have marriage troubles.

Thank you for your post. I am sorry it took me so long to respond. i was on off topics thanking everybody for their response.

I sincerely appreciate you writing your opinion it was such a great thing for you to take so much time out of your very busy day to care so much about me to send this note. I feel all warm inside because without your post, my house might not run well and my H and my marriage will have severe troubles.