Please tell me you don't "thank" your spouse...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both thank each other. If he doesn't thank you for doing stuff around the house but expects you to thank him, ask him why that is.

This. If I walk into a clean kitchen, I am genuinely happy and thank DH. But he does the same.

What if you walk into a trashed kitchen but his coffee cup is in the sink. Do you thank him for bringing his cup to the sink while he is sitting on the couch reading his phone and expecting you to clean the kitchen.

The OP's H is not cleaning the kitchen. He is putting his cup in the sink and wants to be thanked.

Not the PP, but yes, I would thank him for putting a cup in the sink. I would then ask him to help me clean the kitchen. If he refused, it would be a separate conversation. You can both be upset about things he refuses do and grateful for the ones he does. One does not preclude the other.

In my house, DH and I thank each other for all sorts of things that are "our jobs" and things that are objectively little - I will thank him for putting a cup in the sink and he will thank me for turning off the lights while going upstairs. It creates a nice atmosphere in the house and reminds us that we do appreciate each other in general - not just for big things but for little everyday things too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

Thank you for your post.

See how stupid that is to thank people for every mundane thing they do.

It's really not stupid if it's done sincerely. But I see why you have marriage troubles.

Thank you for your post. I am sorry it took me so long to respond. i was on off topics thanking everybody for their response.

I sincerely appreciate you writing your opinion it was such a great thing for you to take so much time out of your very busy day to care so much about me to send this note. I feel all warm inside because without your post, my house might not run well and my H and my marriage will have severe troubles.

Again, not sincere. Try again.

[Anonymous]

When I was venting to my mom when I first got married she asked me "do you want to be happy or do you want to be right?" That has stuck with me 25 years later.

You should not have to thank your spouse for every little thing - including stuff they are supposed to do. But other than your pride, what does it hurt? My DH is wired differently and does not always see things that need to be done in the house. Guess what? I do not notice things that need to be done in the yard and he does. We thank each other all the time because we want to model that for our children. Besides that, what does it gain you to be resentful and rude to the man you married? You don't have to throw the man a parade, but saying "thanks" is not a huge deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We both thank each other. If he doesn't thank you for doing stuff around the house but expects you to thank him, ask him why that is.

This. If I walk into a clean kitchen, I am genuinely happy and thank DH. But he does the same.

What if you walk into a trashed kitchen but his coffee cup is in the sink. Do you thank him for bringing his cup to the sink while he is sitting on the couch reading his phone and expecting you to clean the kitchen.

The OP's H is not cleaning the kitchen. He is putting his cup in the sink and wants to be thanked.

Not the PP, but yes, I would thank him for putting a cup in the sink. I would then ask him to help me clean the kitchen. If he refused, it would be a separate conversation. You can both be upset about things he refuses do and grateful for the ones he does. One does not preclude the other.

In my house, DH and I thank each other for all sorts of things that are "our jobs" and things that are objectively little - I will thank him for putting a cup in the sink and he will thank me for turning off the lights while going upstairs. It creates a nice atmosphere in the house and reminds us that we do appreciate each other in general - not just for big things but for little everyday things too.

That is not what OP said. Your H thanks you, her H does not. She did not say she never thanks him she just does not thank him for stupid stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

Thank you for your post.

See how stupid that is to thank people for every mundane thing they do.

It's really not stupid if it's done sincerely. But I see why you have marriage troubles.

Thank you for your post. I am sorry it took me so long to respond. i was on off topics thanking everybody for their response.

I sincerely appreciate you writing your opinion it was such a great thing for you to take so much time out of your very busy day to care so much about me to send this note. I feel all warm inside because without your post, my house might not run well and my H and my marriage will have severe troubles.

Again, not sincere. Try again.

I suspect you are much like OP's H no matter how much she does it's not enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was venting to my mom when I first got married she asked me "do you want to be happy or do you want to be rigiut?" That has stuck with me 25 years later.

You should not have to thank your spouse for every little thing - including stuff they are supposed to do. But other than your pride, what does it hurt? My DH is wired differently and does not always see things that need to be done in the house. Guess what? I do not notice things that need to be done in the yard and he does. We thank each other all the time because we want to model that for our children. Besides that, what does it gain you to be resentful and rude to the man you married? You don't have to throw the man a parade, but saying "thanks" is not a huge deal.

Being taken advantage of is different than "trying to be right".

OP's H expect her to do everything, never thanks her and then wants a thanks for something that is not "thank you" worthy.

It hurts because she is a doormat and that will never end well.

This is not about who is right and who is not right this is about basic respect/disrespect. He does not respect her. Thank you does not make him respect her it just makes her a little more subservient.

[Anonymous]

I thank my husband every day for the small things he does (emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the litter box, making the bed, putting gas in the car on his way home, etc.). I think it's a big part of why we've lasted more than 20 years.

The small things to us can feel like big things to other people. A well-placed "thank you" is how we show we've noticed someone's good efforts. Being kind to others is not a sign of weakness; it is a signal that we have the self-confidence to acknowledge out loud what other people do for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thank my husband every day for the small things he does (emptying the dishwasher, cleaning the litter box, making the bed, putting gas in the car on his way home, etc.). I think it's a big part of why we've lasted more than 20 years.

The small things to us can feel like big things to other people. A well-placed "thank you" is how we show we've noticed someone's good efforts. Being kind to others is not a sign of weakness; it is a signal that we have the self-confidence to acknowledge out loud what other people do for us.

none of those are small things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was venting to my mom when I first got married she asked me "do you want to be happy or do you want to be rigiut?" That has stuck with me 25 years later.

You should not have to thank your spouse for every little thing - including stuff they are supposed to do. But other than your pride, what does it hurt? My DH is wired differently and does not always see things that need to be done in the house. Guess what? I do not notice things that need to be done in the yard and he does. We thank each other all the time because we want to model that for our children. Besides that, what does it gain you to be resentful and rude to the man you married? You don't have to throw the man a parade, but saying "thanks" is not a huge deal.

Being taken advantage of is different than "trying to be right".

OP's H expect her to do everything, never thanks her and then wants a thanks for something that is not "thank you" worthy.

It hurts because she is a doormat and that will never end well.

This is not about who is right and who is not right this is about basic respect/disrespect. He does not respect her. Thank you does not make him respect her it just makes her a little more subservient.

TBH, we are hearing one side of the story and I sense there is a little embellishment. But whatever...

Seems to me that instead of coming here and a bunch of folks telling her that she is right and he does not "respect" her, perhaps the proper advice would be for her to talk to him or they get counseling. Seems to me that a lot of folks here like to brag on their misery rather than solve the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

Thank you for your post.

See how stupid that is to thank people for every mundane thing they do.

It's really not stupid if it's done sincerely. But I see why you have marriage troubles.

Thank you for your post. I am sorry it took me so long to respond. i was on off topics thanking everybody for their response.

I sincerely appreciate you writing your opinion it was such a great thing for you to take so much time out of your very busy day to care so much about me to send this note. I feel all warm inside because without your post, my house might not run well and my H and my marriage will have severe troubles.

Again, not sincere. Try again.

I suspect you are much like OP's H no matter how much she does it's not enough.

Not sure how you reached that false equivalency. Try again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We actually do thank each other for this stuff and it's because of what you're talking about - when the other person doesn't acknowledge you did something, resentment can build up.

This. We always thank each other. I'm always amazed when I see people being more polite to coworkers than each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We actually do thank each other for this stuff and it's because of what you're talking about - when the other person doesn't acknowledge you did something, resentment can build up.

This. We always thank each other. I'm always amazed when I see people being more polite to coworkers than each other.

I was just going to say the same! Do you thank your staff/team/boss? If so, why on earth not your family? We thank each other.

By the way, this website could really use a poll function!