Please tell me you don't "thank" your spouse...

[Anonymous]

I think that the real issue is the need for things to be equal.

I grew up with parents who both thanked each other. They had a pretty traditional relationship, but if one parent did something that benefited the whole family, the other one would thank them. "Thanks for dinner, that was delicious", "Thanks for mowing the lawn", "Thanks for taking the trash out". Since it was both ways, then it worked fine. Now, if Mom is thanking Dad, but not the reverse? Then you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so crazy to me that people (mostly women, apparently) just can't be kind for the sake of being kind. Dear lord. It costs NOTHING to say thank you. To your life partner, who you made loving vows to. Like, why can't you just do it? Why do you have to be a snippy b*tch about it? This sure explains a lot about your unfulfilling marriages.

+1000. This thread makes me really sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am with OP. I think it's ridiculous how some men basically expect sexual favors if they contribute to a basic household chore.

I don't expect a thank you for everything I do around the house. And I pretty much do everything. And I do it without complaint or expectation that I will get a trophy for it, because it has to be done. So don't put two dishes in the effing sink, tell me you "cleaned the kitchen", and look at me like a dog looks for a treat, expecting praise for "all" that you've done. That's the only time I will complain, because it's so ridiculous. I spent 2 hours cleaning. You spend 2 minutes. And you expect me to lavish you in praise? It's infuriating.

People don't get a cookie for doing things they are SUPPOSED to do. And I've instilled that in my kids. Don't go around looking for praise and validation for things you are supposed to do in life. You aren't gonna get pats on your back for merely showing up. You gotta be able to do what needs to be done, without a "you're so awesome!!!" attached to it.

I hope you're also teaching your children about love and kindness.

They are smothered in love and affection. It's actually over the top, because by the end of the day, they are squirming away from my attempts to snuggle and hug and give them kisses. But, I also teach them about sacrifice and responsibility. From the feedback I get from their teachers, other parents and coaches, I'm sure they are friendly, kind and thankful children. I doubt all those adults are lying to me when saying they wish they'd be in their class forever, they're a pleasure to coach, anytime ___ wants to come over they're always welcome, etc.

The only negative I've seen is that they do see me doing EVERYTHING all the time, going out of my way for people, never saying no, taking it all on myself, etc. They have the same traits, and I can already see some kids taking advantage of their kindness and willingness to do things for them. In that sense, it would probably be better for me to show that you don't always have to do everything and take care of others, at the expense of yourself.

+1,000,000

That phrasing she used really skwiked me out.

[Anonymous]

If you want a behavior to continue, use positive reinforcement. This goes for kids and adults. Yes, I thank my spouse for normal things. Everyone wants to be recognized and appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that the real issue is the need for things to be equal.

I grew up with parents who both thanked each other. They had a pretty traditional relationship, but if one parent did something that benefited the whole family, the other one would thank them. "Thanks for dinner, that was delicious", "Thanks for mowing the lawn", "Thanks for taking the trash out". Since it was both ways, then it worked fine. Now, if Mom is thanking Dad, but not the reverse? Then you have a problem.

DH and I have always done this. We're in our 40s and have been married for 21 years.

[Anonymous]

I imagine that it is cheaper to thank your husband today for putting some dishes in the sink or getting the mail than it is to wait a few years and then be the one thanking the divorce lawyer for taking time to see you on such short notice....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course I thank him for the shit he does. And he thanks me. Another person her for basic courtesy and decency. Sure, is taking out the trash his job? Yes. Do I still thank him? YES because I still appreciate it.

This. You thank the hairdresser, the waiter, the person who bags your shopping, the teachers, for doing their jobs. So why not also thank the person you live with for doing their part?

I do not thank the hairdresser for doing the person's hair next to me.

I do not thank the person who bags my groceries for getting herself/himself a cup of water.

I do not thank the teacher for keeping the teachers lounge clean.

OP's husband is not doing things for her. He is doing stuff for himself and wants to be thanked.

Keeping the family and household running IS for everybody. Not just him.

No, putting his own child to bed builds a bond with child and fatter. It is for him.

When they divorce the mom won't care how badly he distroyed his relationship with his kids.

Putting his own dishes in the sink does not keep the family running. Washing his own clothes makes him happy, not the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is so crazy to me that people (mostly women, apparently) just can't be kind for the sake of being kind. Dear lord. It costs NOTHING to say thank you. To your life partner, who you made loving vows to. Like, why can't you just do it? Why do you have to be a snippy b*tch about it? This sure explains a lot about your unfulfilling marriages.

She is kind for the sake of being kind.

She does everything with no thank you. She just doesn't understand why she has to thank her H for wiping his own a$$. Thank you for not smelling. Thank you for not sucking.

Its not like he made her coffee, or filled her tank, or brought flowers.

He put PJs on his own child, he put his dishes in the sink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have had a rough few months - I don't feel very appreciated and I'm very much the default parent and it's getting exhausting. We've talked/fought about it multiple times so it's not like this is anything new. When he sees me starting to reach the end of my rope he'll start picking up a little bit of slack and then expect me to THANK HIM!! He'll point out simple things he did, like getting DS in his pajamas, or "cleaning" the kitchen, and then wait for me to say thank you... You're not doing me any favors, bud. I try to be appreciative when he actually does something useful without a prompt from me, but your'e not going to get fawned over for doing basic parenting or homeowner chores.

Vent over...

Just say thank you. It costs you nothing. And yes, my DH and I thank/compliment each other basic homeowner/parenting stuff. A "thanks for picking up the kids", "thanks for grabbing the trash" or "dinner was amazing" goes a long way when you are in the I'm more tired than you stalemate.

I've been where you are - I dropped the rope first on the I'm tired/I do more than you thing. He very quickly followed suit.

[Anonymous]

Thank YOU for putting your dirty boxers in the hamper today!

Unf this does not get him to do it daily, just keeps piling up on the bathroom floor. Luckily we have 3 daughters who see right through this $hit. If it were 3 boys, we'd have big issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is so crazy to me that people (mostly women, apparently) just can't be kind for the sake of being kind. Dear lord. It costs NOTHING to say thank you. To your life partner, who you made loving vows to. Like, why can't you just do it? Why do you have to be a snippy b*tch about it? This sure explains a lot about your unfulfilling marriages.

She is kind for the sake of being kind.

She does everything with no thank you. She just doesn't understand why she has to thank her H for wiping his own a$$. Thank you for not smelling. Thank you for not sucking.

Its not like he made her coffee, or filled her tank, or brought flowers.

He put PJs on his own child, he put his dishes in the sink.

You sound like a real peach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Now I am understanding little kids who don't seem to know how to say thank you. They grow up in families where the parents never say it to each other!

Exactly! My nieces and nephews never say thank you (for example, when we're at the beach for a week and I make them a sandwich and hand it to them). It drives me crazy! My kids say thank you every time someone gives them something. It takes a nanosecond and lets people know they've been noticed.

[Anonymous]

I think this thread shows clear evidence of why so many marriages are terrible.

People are so mired in resentment that they can't even say "thank you"? Really? And how do you think relationships improve? You have to DO something and not hold back because "it isn't fair!"

For gods sake treat each other with the same level of respect that you would give a stranger. And so what if he doesn't deserve it, do it anyway. That's how you change a dynamic, you stop worrying about what you're gonna get and you do what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be!

[Anonymous]

Of course I thank my spouse. You thank folks at wor, a stranger who holds the door for you. Why in the hell would thanking a spouse be problematic. Think people. What's lacking in our world is basic human kindness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Now I am understanding little kids who don't seem to know how to say thank you. They grow up in families where the parents never say it to each other!

Exactly! My nieces and nephews never say thank you (for example, when we're at the beach for a week and I make them a sandwich and hand it to them). It drives me crazy! My kids say thank you every time someone gives them something. It takes a nanosecond and lets people know they've been noticed.

Yes. Funny, though, I have a problem with ONE of my children and not the other. It is an automatic response for one, and a labor for the other. To be fair, it has also taken a long time for my spouse to get on board with the please/thank you thing. I keep trying to pound into the kid's heads that saying please and thank you isn't just polite, it is good for them -- nobody continues to give gifts to annoying, thankless children.