Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Question for those in the know:

What would the US equivalent to OP's experience be? E.g. let's say OP were a Swiss woman visiting her American husband's family in their very humble abode in a city that draws no tourists at all.

I'm trying to envision what the city might be like. A very poor neighborhood in Jackson, Mississippi? A trailer park in Hagerstown? Rural West Texas?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for those in the know:

What would the US equivalent to OP's experience be? E.g. let's say OP were a Swiss woman visiting her American husband's family in their very humble abode in a city that draws no tourists at all.

I'm trying to envision what the city might be like. A very poor neighborhood in Jackson, Mississippi? A trailer park in Hagerstown? Rural West Texas?

None of those. OP is in a safe city of 2 million people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for those in the know:

What would the US equivalent to OP's experience be? E.g. let's say OP were a Swiss woman visiting her American husband's family in their very humble abode in a city that draws no tourists at all.

I'm trying to envision what the city might be like. A very poor neighborhood in Jackson, Mississippi? A trailer park in Hagerstown? Rural West Texas?

Maybe a shack in Appalachia around when Dolly Parton was a baby.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Op is not claiming to speak for Bengalis. That's why this thread is interesting. She is perceiving it as a normal white woman. It's quite fascinating because she is really doing the real deal and not staying in hotels.

Someone started another thread on Bangladesh. No one was interested, because there's a unique perspective here that many of us can relate to. We can always Google Bangladesh if we want to learn the facts. I especially enjoy her pictures and impressions.

She's a foreigner and naturally will get some stuff wrong. But she has a good eye for detail and personality and I'm totally hooked.

Op here. I think you're giving me too much credit. It's hard to sleep because I am overwhelmed. The mosque close by is constantly blaring music but it's really not normal music. They are singing verses from the Quran. They have a unique way to recite it. I am in a bed with my husband and two kids. All three are snoring. The mosquito net is secured well and I heard a strange animal outside I couldn't identify. Today there was a random cow I saw on the street. According to DH the cow wasn't lost. Most likely it wandered off its property and the owners will get him. I also was confused this evening when his family was discussing who would all go to Dhaka tomorrow because I recognized chicken in Bengali and names of family members. I asked why they were talking about chickens and if they would take the chickens to Dhaka. They thought it was hilarious. They were discussing who would stay home to babysit the chicken and rooster. Apparently, chickens fly over the concrete fence that's pretty high up. Who knew? Dhs family really wants to gift me a traditional three-price dress. We will go tomorrow to pick out the fabric and a tailor will custom make it. This is the way his sister usually purchases her clothes and I think it's common to still do this. The other types of clothes (the type we buy in the US ) are called ready-made. Another neat fact is furniture is sometimes made at your house right of if you and it is beautifully carved. It's easier to get it through the doorway. Their beds are typically huge because they co-sleep. Dh's nephew who is 11 sleeps with his mom and SIL and BIL sleep in another room. My MIL is sleeping with her sister right now who is visiting for two days.

Yes, we all know co-sleeping in a hut is common for billions of people in overcrowded, poor emerging market countries.
So what.

No one is forcing you to read every thread on DCUM!

I am enjoying her unprofessional cranky ramblings. I'd be doing the same thing in her place.

+1 click another topic, you don't have to read this!
Personally, I'm enjoying these descriptions

Same. I am NOT the OP (have Jeff check you paranoid people) and I do think these posts are a treat and I'm very invested in the OP's adventure. I'm the pp early in the thread who told her to go immediately to the airport! I'm glad she didn't!
Is anyone else checking maps of Bangladesh now? I have a friend from there (he's a US citizen) so it will be fun to catch up with him and ask him about memories of home. Unlike OP's husband his family all came over as well, so I think his memories will be 20 years out of date too.

I'm thinking about going to that city for a week myself to check it out.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, it is your DH's family of origin's SES issue. It is not a Bangladesh issue.

This is basically an extremely rural and lower MC home in Bangladesh.

I am actually very surprised that your DH has not constructed a nice house for his family in his home town. Usually, the family member who is abroad will send money to update the family home and make it more comfortable for the family that has been left behind.

Op here. The house was newly built about 6 or so years ago so during my first trip it appeared a lot nicer. They haven't been keeping up if you compare it to US standards. The walls are stained. There is a lot of dust. There are also a lot of random steel small sheds on the property. Their land is scattered so it's hard to know how much they have. The entire block is all his family. There are probably at minimum 10 houses on this block that are all his family. Dh's dad died when he was in high school so I'm sure that had an impact. His mom doesn't work outside the house. I spoke to him today about improving things by getting a space heater and washer. He said his mom doesn't want a washer. I don't know where they would put it honestly. There is a huge concrete wall around the property. I was trying to get out yesterday to take a picture but there is. a padlock.

So essentially you are imprisoned there .


What do the Bangladesh women do to socialize

Op here. Here is what google define the city as.

Faridpur is a major city located in the Faridpur District, Dhaka Division, Bangladesh. It is a major commercial hub in Southern Bangladesh. It is the largest municipality in Dhaka Division in city proper. It has an area of 66.24 km2 and a population of 557,632.

Bengali women socialize with family. I don't think it's typical after marriage to go to restaurants with friends. My SIL specializes with other mom's in the school yard I believe. I remember during our last trip we dropped DH's niece off at a very expensive international school in Dhaka and all of the moms were sitting around outside the gates socializing. Dh said some stay there the whole day doing that!!! I feel my SIL of DH's brother loves our visits because she can socialize with me. When other people on here were saying they probably hate me it caught me off guard because they seem so friendly and happy to see me. Last time I bought a ton of new underwear and gave it to them because Dh said women didn't wear underwear in his culture. It got me thinking how do they dry it without a dryer? They can't do it in the open yard. On this trip I brought them lots of underwear and bras too.

I'm saying this in the kindest way OP, but please don't take anything your DH says as gospel. Women in Bangladesh wear underwear! Jesus H Christ, what kind of nonsense is that? Underwear is EASY to wash by hand. You may find that they'll have a line in an out of the way place (behind outbuildings, typically) where undergarments are hung out to dry. Worst case scenario is that they hang them up to dry in their rooms/bathrooms. They don't take up much space, and one does not need a dryer for that!

I know that most of my family, even the ones living in the middle of a forest in India, would be hugely offended if I gifted them bras and underwear. They'd just be too polite to say anything about it, though.

I didn’t read the whole thread but why are so many Indian people posting about India? OP is not in India so I’m not sure why Indian culture and traditions would be relevant.

I’m not Indian but from the Indian people I know, there is a massive difference between different geographic areas of India and their socioeconomic status.

Bangladesh was part of India (and later Pakistan). They are not culturally *that* different, although Bangladesh has struggled with poverty and lack of infrastructure in some ways, worse than India. "Women in Bangladesh don't wear underwear" is not a thing.

Op here. I spoke to my SIL about it and she said it was funny and DH is typical because men from here don't know anything about women according to her. She said her husband is the same. She had a master's degree and works at a well known bank. Before I was dating DH he wasn't intimate with anyone else so maybe he was living in Lala land. She said they can purchase it here but it's embarrassing. She also said after dh moved to the US she would secretly go to salons for haircuts but now she's honest with her mom. Apparently, her mom would tell her not to cut her hair. Dh did tell me women in his culture don't cut their hair or so it themselves and I thought for sure he was uninformed but it seems there is some truth to it. I do agree that the Indian people are making this so confusing for me and don't really get it as much as they think they do. I don't think India and Bangladesh are similar to Canada and the US. I think there are a lot more differences than we realize. I wouldn't mind visiting my dh would probably reject the idea. I think he has a thing against indians to be honest because their countries were at war for so long. I didn't pick up on this until well after marrying him. Both of our neighbors in the US are indian end their wives have tried to invite us to the beach and other activities where the men can hang out and women can hang out kind of separately (they explained it this way ) and dh didn't want to go. He feels he has nothing in common with them. He's friendly. My dad can't seem to understand the differences and constantly calls DH Indian. I think it's very typical people feel they are similar. I think Pakistan is more developed. Maybe Bangladesh is simile to Myanmar r or Bhutan in terms of development. The US won't fly any of our airlines into Bangladesh. If anyone is interested I can include a picture of the luggage collection area at the airport. We waited 2 hours to get our luggage and the space was crazy crazy busy. I think there was only one conveyor belt for the entire airport. We waited in line to get the visas on arrival for over an hour and the luggage was still not coming out. I was so stressed because I thought it would get stolen.

I’m Bangladeshi and your husband sounds like an idiot.

+1 (also Bangladeshi) This entire thread, and all of OP's ramblings, can be summed up by this one comment.

Well I am enjoying her ramblings. It feels very honest and real. She's only speaking for herself. Feel free to share your perceptions of Bangladesh

Agreed, this is seriously so interesting! Thank you so much for sharing, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for those in the know:

What would the US equivalent to OP's experience be? E.g. let's say OP were a Swiss woman visiting her American husband's family in their very humble abode in a city that draws no tourists at all.

I'm trying to envision what the city might be like. A very poor neighborhood in Jackson, Mississippi? A trailer park in Hagerstown? Rural West Texas?

Not in the know, but based just on reading this thread, maybe like…Bridgeport? A secondary city that’s kind of a bummer, just outside of a major/capital/most-developed city?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op is not claiming to speak for Bengalis. That's why this thread is interesting. She is perceiving it as a normal white woman. It's quite fascinating because she is really doing the real deal and not staying in hotels.

Someone started another thread on Bangladesh. No one was interested, because there's a unique perspective here that many of us can relate to. We can always Google Bangladesh if we want to learn the facts. I especially enjoy her pictures and impressions.

She's a foreigner and naturally will get some stuff wrong. But she has a good eye for detail and personality and I'm totally hooked.

Op here. I think you're giving me too much credit. It's hard to sleep because I am overwhelmed. The mosque close by is constantly blaring music but it's really not normal music. They are singing verses from the Quran. They have a unique way to recite it. I am in a bed with my husband and two kids. All three are snoring. The mosquito net is secured well and I heard a strange animal outside I couldn't identify. Today there was a random cow I saw on the street. According to DH the cow wasn't lost. Most likely it wandered off its property and the owners will get him. I also was confused this evening when his family was discussing who would all go to Dhaka tomorrow because I recognized chicken in Bengali and names of family members. I asked why they were talking about chickens and if they would take the chickens to Dhaka. They thought it was hilarious. They were discussing who would stay home to babysit the chicken and rooster. Apparently, chickens fly over the concrete fence that's pretty high up. Who knew? Dhs family really wants to gift me a traditional three-price dress. We will go tomorrow to pick out the fabric and a tailor will custom make it. This is the way his sister usually purchases her clothes and I think it's common to still do this. The other types of clothes (the type we buy in the US ) are called ready-made. Another neat fact is furniture is sometimes made at your house right of if you and it is beautifully carved. It's easier to get it through the doorway. Their beds are typically huge because they co-sleep. Dh's nephew who is 11 sleeps with his mom and SIL and BIL sleep in another room. My MIL is sleeping with her sister right now who is visiting for two days.

Yes, we all know co-sleeping in a hut is common for billions of people in overcrowded, poor emerging market countries.
So what.

No one is forcing you to read every thread on DCUM!

I am enjoying her unprofessional cranky ramblings. I'd be doing the same thing in her place.

+1 click another topic, you don't have to read this!
Personally, I'm enjoying these descriptions

Same. I am NOT the OP (have Jeff check you paranoid people) and I do think these posts are a treat and I'm very invested in the OP's adventure. I'm the pp early in the thread who told her to go immediately to the airport! I'm glad she didn't!
Is anyone else checking maps of Bangladesh now? I have a friend from there (he's a US citizen) so it will be fun to catch up with him and ask him about memories of home. Unlike OP's husband his family all came over as well, so I think his memories will be 20 years out of date too.

I'm thinking about going to that city for a week myself to check it out.

Yes me too, will take a ton of friends and all do Bangladesh. Thank you OP, thank you everyone! So enlightening and excited!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for those in the know:

What would the US equivalent to OP's experience be? E.g. let's say OP were a Swiss woman visiting her American husband's family in their very humble abode in a city that draws no tourists at all.

I'm trying to envision what the city might be like. A very poor neighborhood in Jackson, Mississippi? A trailer park in Hagerstown? Rural West Texas?

Watch those reality shows on Netflix, about mail order brides who think they are gaping to land in Manhattan and wind up on some pig farm in rural Arkansas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To be fair to op, she’s actually doing more and getting out into “real Bangladesh” more than any foreign service officer posted in Dhaka would

Impressive

Op here. Thank you. I am getting frustrated with myself for even having these thoughts. Dh even said I could suggest ideas to his mom but I refused. I don't want to make her feel like I am trying to change their situation because that would come off as judging them. Dh needs to do that. He says they are used to this lifestyle and they are happy.

Maybe some of the suggestions would actually be less insulting coming from you, a total “clueless” foreigner, if you were to say, “oh yeah in America we’ve always had so-and-so!” in a light, oblivious way. Whereas if your husband were to bring these things up, it would be perceived as if he’s ashamed of them, or his upbringing, or that his life abroad is changing him into someone else, someone less Bangladeshi etc.

But I also totally understand your not wanting to seem like the stereotypical “arrogant American,” telling people how they should be doing things. I’d also be unable to say anything if I were in your shoes.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP is in a city of 2 million people. Hardly a village.

Ok, not many hotels but here's one for $27/night with... a hot shower:
https://www.booking.com/hotel/bd/raffles-inn.html#tab-main

You don't even have to sleep there. Just take it for a few nights and go to shower if you like.

Worried about walking on the streets? Take an Uber: https://www.uber.com/en-BD/newsroom/uber-expands-services-to-20-cities-across-all-8-divisions-in-bangladesh/

Though the streets look pretty normal to me for that region:
https://www.google.com/maps/@23.6073123,89.841811,3a,75y,81.59h,84.31t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sB4HMB2-_ueY_z1nFnSck9g!2e0!7i16384!8i8192?entry=ttu

English is taught in all schools there -- it's compulsory. Sure few are fluent, but English is hardly a "foreign" language there. You can peruse one of the 10 English language newspapers next time you're at a newsstand.

Op here. I doubt it is warm water showers like we are used to in the US. They use a water boiler in the bathroom but there isn't a way to combine both hot and cold water so it will come out of the shower head. His family told me they had a hot water shower before this visit but once I arrived I realized it's not what we are used to in the US. If I suggested going to a hotel my dh would balk or think his family would get offended. His family may own that hotel. I can check. One of his uncles owns a hotel around here.

Uber isn't in this city. The streets are usually more congested than that. There are also huge buses like mega bus types that go down those roads. I don't feel safe walking down those sidewalks.
The only thing we would be able to do is going to a corner shop and buy small items so it's not very exciting. My kids are having a good time as a side note. One of our kids is getting an x-ray today for his asthma and in the US the bill would be so much higher. There are definitely pros to visiting. I am going to take my sister in laws out shopping later to Aarong. It's a famous department store here.. Very high end clothing. I told them dh was treating them to a new dress. He balked at first but I insisted.

I’ve been scrolling through the Aarong website for like 20min. The textiles are gorgeous!

I also checked it out after reading your comment and I was underwhelmed with the designs. I can always find out stuff at Aza or FabIndia and then source it for far less from the merchants.

I just checked out Aza and FabIndia too, and I agree the designs there are also beautiful! But I have to admit, the cost performance I was seeing on Aarong (especially for dupioni silks, etc) was a very large part of the draw!!! Also saw OP’s rec that they ship to the US - thanks OP!

[Anonymous]

So cool! Can’t wait to buy more fabrics and textiles!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume all the posts where OP is given compliments, like how reading her comments is a treat and how she should start a blog, are written by OP herself. She has a very simple way of writing. I actually thought at first that she was not American/not a native English speaker, because of how simply she writes, but she didn’t make any grammar mistakes so I changed my mind on that.

OP, won’t people be able to figure out your identity if this thread gets attention in your community?

Op here no those aren't my comments. That would make me narcissistic. Because of how simply I write? What's that's supposed to mean? That's how I write. Not everyone went to Harvard. Some of the people on here need to get over yourselves. You equate intelligence to arguing or being right. I think it's a mental illness in itself.

Dp here. I suggested she start a blog. Sorry for enjoying these posts. There's a lot of other stuff to read on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bengali_language

Not so crazy to mix up Bengal and Bangladesh, there's 98% overlap.

It’s not a country.

This is the equivalent of mixing up Brooklyn and NYC. Technically incorrect, but understandable. Correct them and move on.

No, it’s really not. Bengali refers to food, language and culture.

The Indo-Aryan suffix Desh is derived from the Sanskrit word deśha, which means "land" or "country". Hence, the name Bangladesh means "Land of Bengal" or "Country of Bengal".

And what’s your point? Bangladeshi is the nationality.

If Bangladesh means Land of Bengal or Country Of Bengal, confusing the two is hardly the most unforgivable mistake that anyone has ever made about geography in India.

[Anonymous]

I know lots of journalists who spent time in Benghazi. You’ll survive Op.
Glad you have 24/7 internet and DCUM is not blocked.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you trying to share a cautionary tale? I’m not sure what the point of your post is.