Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We sat down on our lunch breaks today and mapped out all the finances and what a separation would look like logistically with the kids and where he could live and such.

I told him it's so I can fully understand my options and compare what the two futures could look like, but really nagging at me to just walk away. I'm a really kind, supportive, loyal partner and why should I accept anything less than the same?

Get it in writing as a post-nup. And don’t forget to include other aspects - his equal contribution to household and parenting, and concrete support for your optimum career development.

Why should you invest further time with someone who clearly doesn’t have your interests at heart? He is asking a lot from you to stay, and it is a big risk to your psyche, career, etc. He has already shown you once, by blowing up at you that he could be just saying what you want to hear to get you to stay. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself legally as much as possible.

If he’s unwilling to do a post-nup then he is unlikely to be willing to do the work to repair the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

+1. And you said in this thread he admitted he's hiding whiskey. I think you have a cheater with a drinking problem and a trial separation may be an excellent idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

Please post the link

+1! The closest one I could find was over a bottle of peppermit schnapps, but the ages didn't match up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We sat down on our lunch breaks today and mapped out all the finances and what a separation would look like logistically with the kids and where he could live and such.

I told him it's so I can fully understand my options and compare what the two futures could look like, but really nagging at me to just walk away. I'm a really kind, supportive, loyal partner and why should I accept anything less than the same?

Way too soon to make a decision. Way too soon.

Why too soon for an initial separation? Time away from each other could be valuable. This is not divorce, just a trial separation.

DP. Similar story to OP. I kicked him out first 2 weeks. To everyone else including kids, he was on a “work trip”. He was at air bnb. I could not have had him around while going through everything in my head and seriously not get physically violent or emotional in front of my kids. That really helped me see how strong I was and he really hit rock bottom alone in a crappy air bnb. Thankfully, he was already in therapy as he had sought it out himself to work himself out of the cr@p he made out of his life by starting the affair in the first place and the guilt and the shame, self-disgust and eventually secret drinking too.

I was able to talk to a very trusted family member and my own therapist. His therapist was on speed dial and was seeing them twice a week already.

This entire thing was completely out of character. I had been with him 20 years and he was different at that time. Really a midlife doozy with a lot of unaddressed childhood trauma and poor coping skills learned in that home. OP- at no time after I found out did he blame me or yell at me. He was an open book and offered an answer to anything I asked no matter how many times I asked and no matter my rage or mood. He took a lot of abuse and subconsciously I’m sure I was throwing everything I could at him to see if he’d run. I guess it’s a tiny bit different since he was already in therapy and had officially ended the thing so he had a therapist and coping skills in place to help him help me. I came to see I couldn’t keep doing what I was doing if I wanted us to heal and he already was in so much shame.

I will say I think your spouse was just yelling out of despair and frustration and hadn’t been to therapy or processed it all when it blew up. But, you won’t know that yet. You have to see what happens going forward. How is he acting, how dedicated is he to therapy, communicating, remorse, helping you establish what you need to feel safe and secure and loved going forward, whatever guard rails and boundaries you need to protect yourself if you are going to try for reconciliation.

And, you aren’t an idiot. We only told you he was having an affair when you described his weird new drinking habits because we had been through it. I was blown away and blindsided too. And I also always had full access to his phone, etc w/out any thought. We just always borrow each other’s phones, have the same password, etc.

I wish you the best. And the first 3-6 months are brutal, but it gradually gets better and time definitely helps. You are a strong woman and will get through this no matter what YOU decide. Don’t be influenced by other people’s horror stories or other people’s happy endings. Everyone has a unique experience and posters and others are coming at it from their own experiences which may be different from yours and your husband and your marriage. Too much outside noise when you are already in crisis can be bad. Individual therapy and couples when you are ready. I, personally, waited a few months before couples therapy. I wish you peace and all the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

Please post the link

+1! The closest one I could find was over a bottle of peppermit schnapps, but the ages didn't match up.

I'm pretty sure this is it: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1048743.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thank you PPs so much for sharing.

Did you ever get back to some semblance of normalcy? I hate waking up everyday now. I hate that this is my life. I'm wondering of it gets better or of I need to see my GP about depression meds. I'm really really struggling to do the basic functions of the day.

It sounds like it may be worth talking to your GP, depression meds take weeks to take effect unfortunately so it's better to get started on them now. It's not the same but when my son had an INCREDIBLY hard newborn period with major feeding issues, I took an antidepressant to basically keep me afloat and my family member who is a physician said start it now in case things get worse since it takes awhile to start working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

Please post the link

+1! The closest one I could find was over a bottle of peppermit schnapps, but the ages didn't match up.

I'm pretty sure this is it: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1048743.page

DP - and the one who first mentioned finding the post - this is the one I think it is, too.

I also don’t know why, especially in light of that thread, PPs insist that it’s “too early” for the OP to consider separation. Why? Because maybe, after literal years of hard work, her marriage might be decent? Divorce isn’t ideal for kids, sure, but sometimes it’s the least bad option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

Please post the link

+1! The closest one I could find was over a bottle of peppermit schnapps, but the ages didn't match up.

I'm pretty sure this is it: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1048743.page

DP - and the one who first mentioned finding the post - this is the one I think it is, too.

I also don’t know why, especially in light of that thread, PPs insist that it’s “too early” for the OP to consider separation. Why? Because maybe, after literal years of hard work, her marriage might be decent? Divorce isn’t ideal for kids, sure, but sometimes it’s the least bad option.

How did you all know it was an affair based on that OP?!

[Anonymous]

Just make sure you get private school and college payments squared away in writing. I know so many kids who got F-d by their dads after a divorce because college is apparently optional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

Please post the link

+1! The closest one I could find was over a bottle of peppermit schnapps, but the ages didn't match up.

I'm pretty sure this is it: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1048743.page

Okay, that thread is eerily similar to the DH doing shots of peppermint vodka in the shower. Both of these threads also seemed to have DH going on a lot more work trips... https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1070296.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

Please post the link

+1! The closest one I could find was over a bottle of peppermit schnapps, but the ages didn't match up.

I'm pretty sure this is it: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1048743.page

Okay, that thread is eerily similar to the DH doing shots of peppermint vodka in the shower. Both of these threads also seemed to have DH going on a lot more work trips... https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1070296.page

Interestingly, someone in the shower vodka thread accused that OP of being the same as the one who posted in April 2022 (who we think is the same as the OP of this thread). I initially thought it was that one, too, but no mentions of possible infidelity. Shrug. Maybe people trying to hide their drinking prefer peppermint-flavored liquor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

Please post the link

+1! The closest one I could find was over a bottle of peppermit schnapps, but the ages didn't match up.

I'm pretty sure this is it: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1048743.page

DP - and the one who first mentioned finding the post - this is the one I think it is, too.

I also don’t know why, especially in light of that thread, PPs insist that it’s “too early” for the OP to consider separation. Why? Because maybe, after literal years of hard work, her marriage might be decent? Divorce isn’t ideal for kids, sure, but sometimes it’s the least bad option.

How did you all know it was an affair based on that OP?!

I wonder this too! I also saw it in the thread where a woman’s husband called her a c**t for breaking his Lego thing during a fight. I can’t believe it’s such an obvious thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

OP, I went back and found that post, which I also remembered. I think this PP is spot on. Every relationship has its strengths and weaknesses; consider that thread a gift of sorts. You have, in writing, a window into how you felt and what things were like well before you knew about this affair. Take that into account moving forward.

Please post the link

+1! The closest one I could find was over a bottle of peppermit schnapps, but the ages didn't match up.

I'm pretty sure this is it: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1048743.page

DP - and the one who first mentioned finding the post - this is the one I think it is, too.

I also don’t know why, especially in light of that thread, PPs insist that it’s “too early” for the OP to consider separation. Why? Because maybe, after literal years of hard work, her marriage might be decent? Divorce isn’t ideal for kids, sure, but sometimes it’s the least bad option.

How did you all know it was an affair based on that OP?!

I wonder this too! I also saw it in the thread where a woman’s husband called her a c**t for breaking his Lego thing during a fight. I can’t believe it’s such an obvious thing.

I don't know if I commented on this thread or not, but I think it's the fact that she's known him since she was 18 and this was all new behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you get private school and college payments squared away in writing. I know so many kids who got F-d by their dads after a divorce because college is apparently optional.

This. My kids Dad doesn’t contribute a nickel to their college tuition, housing, meal plan or any expenses for them in college. Meanwhile he got married, spent money on a ring, a wedding and borrowing to buy a new home with his wife (that doesn’t have bedrooms for the kids), goes overseas 4x a year and generally lives very well (weekly maid, restaurants, theater tickets, etc.). He could definitely have afforded to pay for at least half of college. There is no way to make him pay now - I should have demanded a post-nup when I had the leverage when he was crying and begging me to allow him to stay.

Sadly, my kids totally get that he has money he could contribute to college. He spends extravagantly on his wife and himself and has never been willing to invest time or money in them. They have a relationship with him, but they know (and have told me) that he is not a person they can depend on. The same character flaws that made him cheat also make him a pretty crappy parent.

Get a post-nup. You can’t trust the word of a cheater to take care of you and the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you get private school and college payments squared away in writing. I know so many kids who got F-d by their dads after a divorce because college is apparently optional.

Yep. In my state child support ends at 18 and college is not mandatory.