Talk me off a ledge- other side of the world and just discovered cheating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you get private school and college payments squared away in writing. I know so many kids who got F-d by their dads after a divorce because college is apparently optional.

This. My kids Dad doesn’t contribute a nickel to their college tuition, housing, meal plan or any expenses for them in college. Meanwhile he got married, spent money on a ring, a wedding and borrowing to buy a new home with his wife (that doesn’t have bedrooms for the kids), goes overseas 4x a year and generally lives very well (weekly maid, restaurants, theater tickets, etc.). He could definitely have afforded to pay for at least half of college. There is no way to make him pay now - I should have demanded a post-nup when I had the leverage when he was crying and begging me to allow him to stay.

Sadly, my kids totally get that he has money he could contribute to college. He spends extravagantly on his wife and himself and has never been willing to invest time or money in them. They have a relationship with him, but they know (and have told me) that he is not a person they can depend on. The same character flaws that made him cheat also make him a pretty crappy parent.

Get a post-nup. You can’t trust the word of a cheater to take care of you and the kids.

Same but it wasn’t cheating it was narcissism. Power and control. He will only pay for someone who is in his life daily.

[Anonymous]

Making excuses for abusive behavior and “understanding” was exactly what kept me in a relationship with an abuser for far too long.

What I learned from my abusive relationship is that there is never a reason to shout at someone. The person responsible for “losing” it is the person who lost it. Abusers want you to think your behavior provoked them, but every person is responsible for his/her own behavior.

So now shouting at someone makes you abusive? And if you are shouted at you are being abused? Ok, every couple I know has been in an abusive relationship at one point, and all of their kids are being abused.

These kinds of posts are so clearly wrought from terrible baggage and are just not useful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Curious what you did after that post?

I replied "this crossed my mind but he literally never leaves the house so if he is, they must never actually see each other". Ouch.

I did do a brief look through his phone and didn't see anything but he's never had a password and his phone is always out in the open and has never been off limits. We use it for GPS, music around the house, etc.

Here’s the thing. If you were posting a year ago about your husband’s secret drinking, your life hasn’t been so picture perfect. And that is ok. But you seem to be idealizing what you had before you found this out. Don’t do that. I have no idea if this man is worthy of you or not, but a good thing to do in individual therapy might be to do a deeper dive into what was good and what was not good In this relationship.

Yeah, I honestly forgot about that. It was a postpartum blur that clicked when he mentioned the drinking

But there is a reason you didn’t confront him over the drinking and force something more to happen — this will be interesting for you to dive into with a therapist.

NP here. I have been following this thread and have not commented because I have not been in this situation myself. I am very sorry about what you are going through. I did read the previous, at least 2, drinking threads and I did comment on those. I just want to say the things that pop out for me are the lack of confrontation and also you mentioned never having raised your voices/fought with each other before. I am absolutely not condoning or advocating for fighting or voice raising but that does stand out as peculiar to me. Where do all the tough emotions and hard moments where we break a bit and then apologize and work things through go? You are 100% not at fault for your DH’e behavior and in no way am I even remotely suggesting that, but I just sense that separate to this infidelity issues, but possibly impacted by, and certainly related to your relationship dynamic, there is stuff to unpack here. I think IC and MC will be very helpful. I have personally found IC to be much more significant in its impact than MC and certainly necessary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Making excuses for abusive behavior and “understanding” was exactly what kept me in a relationship with an abuser for far too long.

What I learned from my abusive relationship is that there is never a reason to shout at someone. The person responsible for “losing” it is the person who lost it. Abusers want you to think your behavior provoked them, but every person is responsible for his/her own behavior.

So now shouting at someone makes you abusive? And if you are shouted at you are being abused? Ok, every couple I know has been in an abusive relationship at one point, and all of their kids are being abused.

These kinds of posts are so clearly wrought from terrible baggage and are just not useful.

If by shouting you mean, "Ugh, I wish you guys would put your shoes away! I keep tripping over them! [pause] I'm sorry guys, I didn't mean to shout. I'm grumpy but that's not your fault" then OK this happens in every marriage. If you mean more than this, then no, it doesn't.

[Anonymous]

Op here.

Still reading every reply. Emotionally exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Making excuses for abusive behavior and “understanding” was exactly what kept me in a relationship with an abuser for far too long.

What I learned from my abusive relationship is that there is never a reason to shout at someone. The person responsible for “losing” it is the person who lost it. Abusers want you to think your behavior provoked them, but every person is responsible for his/her own behavior.

So now shouting at someone makes you abusive? And if you are shouted at you are being abused? Ok, every couple I know has been in an abusive relationship at one point, and all of their kids are being abused.

These kinds of posts are so clearly wrought from terrible baggage and are just not useful.

If by shouting you mean, "Ugh, I wish you guys would put your shoes away! I keep tripping over them! [pause] I'm sorry guys, I didn't mean to shout. I'm grumpy but that's not your fault" then OK this happens in every marriage. If you mean more than this, then no, it doesn't.

+1. I have never in my life shouted at my kids or husband. My father has never once shouted at me. Have I said things people don’t want to hear? Have I dealt with conflict? Yes, but it is not necessary to shout or be aggressive. Doing so is just an intimidatory tactic.

[Anonymous]

Just read the drinking thread and I am amazed at how insightful this poster was (04/03/2022 at 23:03):

"Six months from now you will be kicking yourself for not taking action NOW. Definitely alcohol abuse. Likely affair induced. It is a thing, OP, and he’s likely using alcohol to cover the guilt and self-loathing that accompanies his adulterous encounters. You need to take action NOW: check his texts, review credit card statements, hire a PI, nail down all assets, lawyer up."

[Anonymous]

If by shouting you mean, "Ugh, I wish you guys would put your shoes away! I keep tripping over them! [pause] I'm sorry guys, I didn't mean to shout. I'm grumpy but that's not your fault" then OK this happens in every marriage. If you mean more than this, then no, it doesn't.


+1. I have never in my life shouted at my kids or husband. My father has never once shouted at me. Have I said things people don’t want to hear? Have I dealt with conflict? Yes, but it is not necessary to shout or be aggressive. Doing so is just an intimidatory tactic

Shouting when you are at a breaking point with stress is not a surprise. OP’s DH should have handled things better and told her calmly what he eventually told her, but I don’t think the fact that he shouted means he is abusive - especially since OP said it was the first time in 15 years that had happened.

[Anonymous]

You’re too fixated on right and wrong OP. Get therapy and figure out your needs. Both you and your husband sound codependent. You probably repress what you need/ don’t allow yourself to feel it and then get into a place where you are subtly expecting him to care for you because your needs have gone unmet for so long. He’s probably a people pleaser who can’t say no to you and also represses his needs. That’s why he is acting in these weird ways because he just cannot figure out how to meet his needs in an appropriate way.

Being together since you are 18 and then getting married — that’s not a great recipe for figuring out yourself and where you end and another person begins. You need therapy to address the co dependency. I notice some black/white thinking in your posts. Like the family life is all perfect, you are a great partner. Why do you need to construct it all like that? It might be stifling to him that he can’t express his real feelings.

[Anonymous]

^^ It’s probably stifling for you, but you don’t realize it because you don’t come from a place of understanding and feeling your own needs and instead from a place of how you/life/other people should be.

[Anonymous]

I think with co-dependent people we see a "reconcile at all costs" mentality. I don't see that with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think with co-dependent people we see a "reconcile at all costs" mentality. I don't see that with OP.

She seems ambivalent. She’s talking separation but also questioning the guy a lot, as if something he says or doesn’t say will make the difference. Clearly she has young kids and her job situation isn’t the best so there are issues there… but also I think there is some ambivalence. She was told six months ago by many people that he was showing some affair signs and she did not want to see that maybe he wasn’t all there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think with co-dependent people we see a "reconcile at all costs" mentality. I don't see that with OP.

She seems ambivalent. She’s talking separation but also questioning the guy a lot, as if something he says or doesn’t say will make the difference. Clearly she has young kids and her job situation isn’t the best so there are issues there… but also I think there is some ambivalence. She was told six months ago by many people that he was showing some affair signs and she did not want to see that maybe he wasn’t all there.

I think ambivalence is the healthy response to a situation like this. Her husband broke the deal they had. She gets to decide if she wants to make a new deal or split. What wouldn't be healthy is if she didn't care what he did as long as they stayed together.

As for not wanting to see, I don't think it's a case of willful blindness. She came on here seeking opinions. She said maybe it could be an affair but when would he have time? She had proof of secret drinking, not an affair. She was dealing with what was in front of her.

TBH when people say "you obviously ignored the signs" I think it's the whole "I need to believe this could never happen to me so I would definitely not misinterpret or miss the signs like OP" defense mechanism. Like when some tragedy befalls a child and people are like "Why didn't you do X, Y, Z?" They're speaking to their own fears, not to the people suffering who deserve their compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Re: the drinking- there were several spaced out instances (months apart from each other) where he was either drinkng more than he said or it was a weird circumstance surrounding drinking that otherwise didn't add up. I actually just went back through the depths of DCUM and found a post I made about it and almost all the replies tell me he's likely cheating. Dcum knew a year before I did. Feeling like an idiot.

Link for that post?

[Anonymous]

Whether OP stays with this guy or not, I will continue to say she has a lot to explore in individual therapy. Never fighting isn’t a sign of a healthy marriage. Not having some sort of major discussion about secret drinking isn’t a sign of a healthy marriage. There is a reason she feels the need to claim she has the most perfect marriage ever — when no one has that. Whether with this husband or her next relationship, there is a lot to work through.

I also wouldn’t jump in my marriage to “secret drinking means affair” — but if my husband drove home drunk, was wasted after a god walk, etc, there would be a discussion that would need to result in real action by him.

So much of this post reminds me of my parents who started dating at 13 and married at 19. They kept the same patterns from their teen years into their 60s. They were super smart, successful people who told the world that their marriage was perfect. But behind the scenes, they were acting like 15 year olds. My dad still thought he was captain of the football team, and my mom was just so grateful he deigned to be with her. She could never have a hard conversation with him. Those entrenched patterns from your early years are really, really hard to break.

I hate that this happened to the OP. She doesn’t deserve any of this and she isn’t to blame for any of it. But, this is now a growth opportunity for her as an individual.