What obligation do I have to cook for and tolerate my vegan MIL?

[Anonymous]

I have an infant. My out of town MIL is coming to visit us frequently now to see baby--every 2 to 3 months. DH and I eat healthfully and we eat meat, but my MIL is an extreme vegan and she is very picky. She prefers everything to be organic and generally doesn't eat white flour. The only restaurant food she will eat is Lebanese, Ethiopian, Indian, or Thai. Fast food, pizza, Mexica, etc. or any other restaurants are completely out of the question.

Here's a few examples of her pickiness. She won't eat peanut butter, so we have to get organic almond butter. She won't eat bread unless it's 100% whole wheat. Pasta has to be whole grain and rice has to be brown. She won't eat nuts unless they are raw and unsalted. She won't eat any sweets or chocolate unless they are vegan and organic. She also doesn't drink wine or coffee. She had cancer years ago and believes meat caused her to have cancer, and is constantly talking about how we "don't eat the way she does" which basically makes me feel completely judged. She stares at me when I eat M&Ms, Diet Coke, turkey bacon, eggs, chips, or any other foods she thinks are "bad"--even though I'm thin. Baby has begun eating solids and I give her organic baby food in a jar because I work full time and don't care to make my own baby food, then she takes the opportunity to share how she used to make organic baby food for DH from scratch and how easy it was. She also loves to remind us how many years she breastfed her kids and how she stayed home when they were little, when I work fulltime and have told DH I am ready to slow down BFing and supplement with formula, which he doesn't want us to do. It all feels very passive aggressive.

When she comes to stay DH and I end up cooking completely differently from what we normally eat to accommodate her diet, which makes her smug as though she has "won." I hate it but it's twice as much work to cook our own normal dishes on top of a dish for her. We've asked her to cook for us but she gets flustered and upset. One day she went to the store to get ingredients for a tofu stir fry and refused to buy teriyaki sauce because they didn't have her favorite organic brand, and refused to use our non-organic teriyaki sauce or soy sauce as a replacement. Another time she tried to make pumpkin bread but refused to use my canola oil and ended up putting olive oil in the loaf instead and it was awful. So we stopped asking he to cook. Her visits are now causing lots of conflict about food between DH and I. Furthermore, I used to have an eating disorder so her perceived judgement about what I'm eating while I nurse, whether intentional or not, really angers me.

What obligation do we have to provide her with her special food when she visits? How much of this do I have to take?

[Anonymous]

You don't HAVE to do anything and your are not obligated to do anything. Do what you do. If MIL needs special accommodations, she can get them herself. She is a grown woman and the frequency of her visits are getting to the point where she is not a guest. You are not a restaurant. She is not a customer.

[Anonymous]

This is ridiculous. DH needs to be on your side. I would just stop providing her with food outside of dinner. Ask her to bring snacks since "my grocery stores just don't carry your favorite organic brands!" Also ask her to cook a great vegan meal for you when she comes and make her bring the ingredients.

But all in all, every 2-3 month isn't that often. That's like 4-5x a year for a weekend. I would make dinner plans with my friends when she comes and leave her and your dh to babysit.

[Anonymous]

You're under no obligation to do anything, but it's generally nice to accommodate your guests. I think you had another post about this in "Expectant Moms" forum.

TBH, this is an issue between you and DH to resolve. Then he can deal with his mother. You're not going to do yourself any favors by dealing directly with your MIL on this if you can avoid it. But if your DH won't step up, then I think you need to simply put your foot down and refuse visits from MIL until you can find a manageable way for her to visit. It's actually easier to say, "no visits" than it is to resolve details of how the visit will go. My ILs are much nicer than yours, but after a particularly difficult one last year I told DH "no visits" unless he took some time off while they were in town to entertain them (they won't drive while here). They are here right now, and DH did take time off during their visit. The visit has been very pleasant as a result.

[Anonymous]

Enough is enough. Nothing will please this woman, it seems. Have her bring her own special foods and make her own meals if she won't eat what you make. You and husband carry on cooking whatever you normally would. If she eats any of it, fine, if not, she makes her own.

To include compromise, have some organic staples on hand for her and take her shopping so she has whatever fresh things she wants to cook.

I'd put her in charge of making lots of organic baby food. She can freeze it in little containers. That'll keep her busy and off your back.

[Anonymous]

She sounds very rigid but since she doesn't visit that often, I would try and accommodate her. Don't take her choices as a personal judgement, just keep eating your usual way and count the hours until she goes home.

I know you mentioned that she doesn't eat chocolate that isn't organic but I've heard oreo's are vegan. Oreo's make everything better.

[Anonymous]

She sounds annoying as F. So sorry OP. Nothing worse than being judged in your own home.

Can she make you dinner when she's there? I'd definitely eat Lebanese Taverna one night she's there.

[Anonymous]

Every 3 months is four times a year. A lot of the foods you mentioned are shelf-stable. Just get her special almond butter and brown rice and special pasta and toss them on a shelf.

[Anonymous]

My sister actually has a similarly odd diet (I will point out she's eaten like this most of her life, and still got breast cancer in her 40's, but whatev's) and she just takes care of her own food when she's here. I usually pick up some fruit that I know she'll like, and her favorite cheese, but outside of that, she'll buy and cook her own food. Just cook your food like you usually do, and let her make her own meals.

Let go of seeing her "judgement". That's on her, not you. Disengage as much as you can. So what if she stayed home when her kids were little - consider that a nice anecdote from your dh's childhood and don't accept it as a reflection on your own choices. That's the part you need to own here. You are in charge of feeling "judged" - you can choose to not feel that way.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like it's time to put your husband in charge of meal planning and cooking when his mother comes. All questions and complaints can be directed to him.

[Anonymous]

OMG. If you exchange vegan for "whatever random diet/chain mail rant about cancer giving food kick she is on this time" you have described my situation to a tee.

I understand your frustration but I would try my best to accommodate her. It's never perfect in our case and there is always some passive aggressive back and forth, but the effort on our part is important for continued relationship building. Esepcilly now that we see her so often (every 2-3 months just like you!) with the little one. When I met DH I was vegetarian and although I was low-key about it and never wanted to 'put people out' his family (and so many others) always made veggie-friendly meals for me. I try to remember how much I appreciated that and muster up my sense of adventure to try some new recipes.

When I was post partum on one of her trips she came for a week she was only eating raw.... be grateful your MIL is just vegan and it's the same each time. At least there are a lot of resources on the web for cooking vegan with great ideas.

[Anonymous]

Thanks, I appreciate all of the suggestions. I get so upset about the situation that I feel like I can't see it clearly.

[Anonymous]

That IS really frustrating.

Can she just get her own food at Whole Foods when she's in town?

Or can you make a big salad and have it sitting in the fridge ready to go? I'm sure she'd be happy with a spritz of lemon or balsamic vinegar, so you wouldn't have to get special organic oil free dressing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're under no obligation to do anything, but it's generally nice to accommodate your guests. I think you had another post about this in "Expectant Moms" forum.

TBH, this is an issue between you and DH to resolve. Then he can deal with his mother. You're not going to do yourself any favors by dealing directly with your MIL on this if you can avoid it. But if your DH won't step up, then I think you need to simply put your foot down and refuse visits from MIL until you can find a manageable way for her to visit. It's actually easier to say, "no visits" than it is to resolve details of how the visit will go. My ILs are much nicer than yours, but after a particularly difficult one last year I told DH "no visits" unless he took some time off while they were in town to entertain them (they won't drive while here). They are here right now, and DH did take time off during their visit. The visit has been very pleasant as a result.

Listen to this PP. If you and DH can come to an agreement, I think it will be a lot easier. The way you described his behavior in the expectant moms thread make me think that he/you guys need some counseling. I can see his issues with pleasing her manifesting themselves in other ways.

Were I you, I would talk with him about spacing out all the visits so you have more time to regroup as a family. For visits with his mother specifically, I would say that you're no longer shopping for her, period. He and she can go grocery shopping when she arrives, and if that can't happen the first day, you can get take out she likes.

But I would say that your MIL's dietary choices and basically anything else to do with her is all on your DH. Disappear for awhile to do something for yourself when she visits. Create some space between you.

And when she dives in on her passive aggressive BS comments, just smile and say, "Isn't it great how everyone can do what works for them?" and "It's funny how there are so many ways to raise a healthy child."

[Anonymous]

You need a SERIOUS sit down with your DH in which you tell him he has two choices:. His mother or you. I have family members who are vegetarians and when they visit, I take them to grocery store and tell them to choose their food. I pay for it but I also tell them I will always serve a vegetable(s) and/or salad but anything special they want, they cook.

I also told one of them that as an adult I am allowed to choose to drink a Coke, eat M&M'S, steak, baked potatoes with sour cream. It worked.