What obligation do I have to cook for and tolerate my vegan MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need a SERIOUS sit down with your DH in which you tell him he has two choices:. His mother or you. I have family members who are vegetarians and when they visit, I take them to grocery store and tell them to choose their food. I pay for it but I also tell them I will always serve a vegetable(s) and/or salad but anything special they want, they cook.

I also told one of them that as an adult I am allowed to choose to drink a Coke, eat M&M'S, steak, baked potatoes with sour cream. It worked.

Do not tell your DH to choose between his mother and you! That is terrible advice. The rest is reasonable. Continue eating your normal foods and make it clear that it's on DH to deal with his mom's special diet. If he doesn't plan anything, suggest take out - that he picks up.

[Anonymous]

Let her make the crappy vegan food she wants to make, including an olive oil nut loaf. Keep the shelf-stable food on hand, along with some annies frozen meals.

Let her cook the crap and order a pizza for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're under no obligation to do anything, but it's generally nice to accommodate your guests. I think you had another post about this in "Expectant Moms" forum.

TBH, this is an issue between you and DH to resolve. Then he can deal with his mother. You're not going to do yourself any favors by dealing directly with your MIL on this if you can avoid it. But if your DH won't step up, then I think you need to simply put your foot down and refuse visits from MIL until you can find a manageable way for her to visit. It's actually easier to say, "no visits" than it is to resolve details of how the visit will go. My ILs are much nicer than yours, but after a particularly difficult one last year I told DH "no visits" unless he took some time off while they were in town to entertain them (they won't drive while here). They are here right now, and DH did take time off during their visit. The visit has been very pleasant as a result.

Listen to this PP. If you and DH can come to an agreement, I think it will be a lot easier. The way you described his behavior in the expectant moms thread make me think that he/you guys need some counseling. I can see his issues with pleasing her manifesting themselves in other ways.

Were I you, I would talk with him about spacing out all the visits so you have more time to regroup as a family. For visits with his mother specifically, I would say that you're no longer shopping for her, period. He and she can go grocery shopping when she arrives, and if that can't happen the first day, you can get take out she likes.

But I would say that your MIL's dietary choices and basically anything else to do with her is all on your DH. Disappear for awhile to do something for yourself when she visits. Create some space between you.

And when she dives in on her passive aggressive BS comments, just smile and say, "Isn't it great how everyone can do what works for them?" and "It's funny how there are so many ways to raise a healthy child."

Thanks, I appreciate these comments a lot. You are right that we probably need counseling but DH thinks I'm the one with the problem and refuses to consider it. I don't know how else to convince him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an infant. My out of town MIL is coming to visit us frequently now to see baby--every 2 to 3 months. DH and I eat healthfully and we eat meat, but my MIL is an extreme vegan and she is very picky. She prefers everything to be organic and generally doesn't eat white flour. The only restaurant food she will eat is Lebanese, Ethiopian, Indian, or Thai. Fast food, pizza, Mexica, etc. or any other restaurants are completely out of the question.

Here's a few examples of her pickiness. She won't eat peanut butter, so we have to get organic almond butter. She won't eat bread unless it's 100% whole wheat. Pasta has to be whole grain and rice has to be brown. She won't eat nuts unless they are raw and unsalted. She won't eat any sweets or chocolate unless they are vegan and organic. She also doesn't drink wine or coffee. She had cancer years ago and believes meat caused her to have cancer, and is constantly talking about how we "don't eat the way she does" which basically makes me feel completely judged. She stares at me when I eat M&Ms, Diet Coke, turkey bacon, eggs, chips, or any other foods she thinks are "bad"--even though I'm thin. Baby has begun eating solids and I give her organic baby food in a jar because I work full time and don't care to make my own baby food, then she takes the opportunity to share how she used to make organic baby food for DH from scratch and how easy it was. She also loves to remind us how many years she breastfed her kids and how she stayed home when they were little, when I work fulltime and have told DH I am ready to slow down BFing and supplement with formula, which he doesn't want us to do. It all feels very passive aggressive.

When she comes to stay DH and I end up cooking completely differently from what we normally eat to accommodate her diet, which makes her smug as though she has "won." I hate it but it's twice as much work to cook our own normal dishes on top of a dish for her. We've asked her to cook for us but she gets flustered and upset. One day she went to the store to get ingredients for a tofu stir fry and refused to buy teriyaki sauce because they didn't have her favorite organic brand, and refused to use our non-organic teriyaki sauce or soy sauce as a replacement. Another time she tried to make pumpkin bread but refused to use my canola oil and ended up putting olive oil in the loaf instead and it was awful. So we stopped asking he to cook. Her visits are now causing lots of conflict about food between DH and I. Furthermore, I used to have an eating disorder so her perceived judgement about what I'm eating while I nurse, whether intentional or not, really angers me.

What obligation do we have to provide her with her special food when she visits? How much of this do I have to take?

Maybe she can't actually cook? Maybe at home, she isn't as strict as she is leading you to believe? People are weird like that.

What about just offering to have DH take her to the grocery stores once she arrives so she can pick up her preferred brands? Otherwise, tell her to plan to pack her food staples and bring them along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let her make the crappy vegan food she wants to make, including an olive oil nut loaf. Keep the shelf-stable food on hand, along with some annies frozen meals.

Let her cook the crap and order a pizza for yourself.

Thanks, we tried that. Last time she came we bought 3 Annie's for her thinking she might go for it. She ate one reluctantly and refused the other two saying she doesn't really eat frozen food...SMDH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like it's time to put your husband in charge of meal planning and cooking when his mother comes. All questions and complaints can be directed to him.

+1

[Anonymous]

"MIL, with my full-time job and caring for an infant, I can't cook much. Next time you come, you will have to cook your own meals, and DH may help you out from time to time. Perhaps you can bring your favorite condiments from home in case you can't find any here. Thanks for understanding."

You eat what you damn well want.

(Note that she's right to eat healthy. Red meat has been proven to increase the risk of certain cancers, etc. )

[Anonymous]

It is your husband's job to plan for and execute the meals for his mother. That's it - you tell your husband it's on his list, and then You Don't Do Anything Else. If she gets there and nothing is prepared/purchased - you Wait For Your Husband To Respond. If you don't do these things, this will always be on your list of things to do and deal with, and your husband will never understand why it's such a pain because he doesn't have to deal with the problem. His family, his labor and effort.

[Anonymous]

As I said on your other thread, your issue is with your husband. If your husband wants to accommodate all of this, then it's on him to do so. I would also tell him that you would like to limit her visits as they are incredibly work intensive for you, but recognize that he may not like/agree to this.

That said, you can address a lot of this with some preparation. When you know she's coming, communicate about a meal plan. Plan what you will cook, and stop cooking two meals. If you are ordering takeout for her, order whatever you want for yourselves. If takeout isn't an option, and she's picky about ingredients, figure out where you can get those ingredients, buy them, and then store them in a "MIL area." Surely you can find the soy sauce she likes, get a bottle or two, and stash them somewhere.

Another option would be to have a conversation with her in which you tell her that since she's coming so regularly, you'd like her to figure out where to buy these items, where she can get takeout from, and help you to plan meals for the entire family. I get that your husband is paying for most of this stuff out of your family's account, so he is probably the one who should do this.

Ultimately, you and he need to be on the same team. You need to be less defensive about your food choices and less critical of hers.

[Anonymous]

Don't do anything. Let DH be in charge of dinner. She's his mother so he can deal with it. Ignore her if she's watching you eat. Invite her to make puréed for your kid if she's all about it. When she starts talking to you about SAH then invite her to talk to her son about it. You could also be snarky and say you are working to fully pay for college if your husband had to take out a school loan.

[Anonymous]

heh. from the title, I thought you were going to be a terrible DIL. but no, she seems legit crazy. tolerate her, by all means, but you're under no obligation to cook for her, especially once she has made it difficult. it's nice to accommodate your guests, of course, but she has hardly been gracious, and has made it difficult. I think DH gets put in charge of food when she visits, no exceptions. Then he can work something out with her as appropriate.

also, shake it off. shrug, eyeroll, what do you care if she approves of your food. if you find yourself feeling defensive, tell her how delicious it is.

[Anonymous]

She sounds tedious. I'd have some staples on hand for her (hummus, the bread she likes, organic produce, chick peas, brown rice, etc.) and let her assemble her own food. If you don't want her to cook for you, then you're making a little harder. If she can cook some of the time, you can compromise on taste and she can get what she wants. You and your DH can cook a couple of nights, and you can do take-out a couple of nights. (You can also get extra take-out so she has lunch/dinner the next day.) Vegan houseguests are annoying in that it's hard to completely accommodate them, but it's not impossible. Especially if you plan meals in advance.

How long does MIL stay with you when she comes for a visit?

Tell your DH that it's really your decision about breastfeeding. Since you're the one who has to do it, if you are feeling that you want to ease up on BF, then do so. It's just one of those life situations where the partner and the one doing it don't get equal say. (If you wanted an epidural and he didn't want you to get one, would he have prevailed?!)

[Anonymous]

None, unless she's paying you to be her personal chef. Make DH do it if it's that important. Otherwise, she can take care of her own cooking and food.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the advice. Appreciate it. I do find it interesting how there are differing opinions on who should take responsibility for her meals--ranging from let her do it herself to I should do a few to DH should take care of it all....

[Anonymous]

I would clear out a shelf for her and have your DH buy her special nuts, almnc butter, bread, etc. Then I would cook what I usually do or get the take out I like and give her menus to take out places. Your DH can go and get her food. If she sighs or makes comments while you eat pizza, ignore them. Why are you cooking anything for her? She isn't really a guest who you need to accommodate if she is coming every 3 months.