What obligation do I have to cook for and tolerate my vegan MIL?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your dh should drive her to a grocery store when she gets there and let her pick out food she will eat. He can pay for it, but let her pick it out. Then she can add these foods to whatever meal are planning. I would make sure to include fruits and vegetables in the meal.

Agreed. Your husband deals with his mother's dietary requirements. As a 22+ year vegetarian, I would never assume that a host would bear the costs (monetarily or otherwise) of accommodating a most particular diet. Also, my sister who was vegan for awhile and has also been vegetarian for 22 years, got breast cancer in her 30s. Who knows what causes cancer, but it wasn't meat in her case.

[Anonymous]

She is totally nuts. And she is doing this as a power trip, or she would go and buy her own food and make it. You and your DH are feeding into her power play. I wouldn't cook anything for her and if your DH was mine, I would tell him that he can cook all his mother's food. Nor would I be nice about it. Hence, tell your DH to shut the eff up and deal with his mother and you and your kid eat whatever you usually do. Can't even imagine how much her insanity is costing you financially and mentally.

[Anonymous]

np: My retirement fantasy: I'll keep working, dh will cook for us and babysit the grandkids so our kids will like us. He'll cook for family gatherings. He'll manage the family stuff. I like my career. He claims this is ok with him, yeah sure. I can always dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an infant. My out of town MIL is coming to visit us frequently now to see baby--every 2 to 3 months. DH and I eat healthfully and we eat meat, but my MIL is an extreme vegan and she is very picky. She prefers everything to be organic and generally doesn't eat white flour. The only restaurant food she will eat is Lebanese, Ethiopian, Indian, or Thai. Fast food, pizza, Mexica, etc. or any other restaurants are completely out of the question.

Here's a few examples of her pickiness. She won't eat peanut butter, so we have to get organic almond butter. She won't eat bread unless it's 100% whole wheat. Pasta has to be whole grain and rice has to be brown. [/b]She won't eat nuts unless they are raw and unsalted.[/b] She won't eat any sweets or chocolate unless they are vegan and organic. She also doesn't drink wine or coffee. She had cancer years ago and believes meat caused her to have cancer, and is constantly talking about how we "don't eat the way she does" which basically makes me feel completely judged. She stares at me when I eat M&Ms, Diet Coke, turkey bacon, eggs, chips, or any other foods she thinks are "bad"--even though I'm thin. Baby has begun eating solids and I give her organic baby food in a jar because I work full time and don't care to make my own baby food, then she takes the opportunity to share how she used to make organic baby food for DH from scratch and how easy it was. She also loves to remind us how many years she breastfed her kids and how she stayed home when they were little, when I work fulltime and have told DH I am ready to slow down BFing and supplement with formula, which he doesn't want us to do. It all feels very passive aggressive.

When she comes to stay DH and I end up cooking completely differently from what we normally eat to accommodate her diet, which makes her smug as though she has "won." I hate it but it's twice as much work to cook our own normal dishes on top of a dish for her. We've asked her to cook for us but she gets flustered and upset. One day she went to the store to get ingredients for a tofu stir fry and refused to buy teriyaki sauce because they didn't have her favorite organic brand, and refused to use our non-organic teriyaki sauce or soy sauce as a replacement. Another time she tried to make pumpkin bread but refused to use my canola oil and ended up putting olive oil in the loaf instead and it was awful. So we stopped asking he to cook. Her visits are now causing lots of conflict about food between DH and I. Furthermore, I used to have an eating disorder so her perceived judgement about what I'm eating while I nurse, whether intentional or not, really angers me.

What obligation do we have to provide her with her special food when she visits? How much of this do I have to take?

is getting unsalted nuts a big errand out of the way? if she doesn't want wine or coffee, so what? More left for you. There is plenty of good advice in this thread. Power struggles over food are not healthy at any age, to each their own - live and let live. She maybe smug about her diet or it's just your perception, but remind yourself that she raised a wonderful man whom you love, so she is not a complete monster probably.

[Anonymous]

I like Thai, Indian, Lebanese, and Ethiopian food, so that would be fine. And I'd be okay with cooking vegan or vegan-friendly (like a vegan meal with meat on the side), and with using whole grains and brown rice. But I'm not going to restock my pantry to indulge her "all-organic" fetish, especially if she's not chipping in for groceries.

Personally, I'd make some accommodation, but when she comments about how we don't eat like she does, I would just cheerfully agree: "Nope, we don't!" And then eat another M&M and change the subject. Ignore passive-aggressive comments, or just blow them off with a cheerful, non-committal response. If she gets nasty about your cooking, then I'd just be blunt: "I'm sorry you don't like the meal. There's a stack of takeout menus if you'd like to order something else."

[Anonymous]

Omg tell your MIL that it's 2017. She can send an unattended delivery from Amazon Fresh to your door w things she wants to eat and order from UberEATS when she's not willing to cook for herself. Get millennial on her!

[Anonymous]

PP here. And ignore her comments. If you're happy w your diet, let her judge all she wants. Her opinions really do not matter.

[Anonymous]

I bet it would be even more doable if you reach out to her before her visit. Yes, she's annoying. But if you also want to do what you can to make her comfortable as a guest, then it's a separate issue. (And you are a good DIL for working to make her comfortable. As the token vegan in my family I would be mortified to make my family work so hard to feed me during a visit and would NEVER make a new mom jump through those hoops.)

But if you or DH says ahead of time something like "what should we do for your food while you're visiting? We want you to be comfortable and happy but could use some help with selections to have on hand." Not fair that she's expecting you to be a mind reader when she has such specific preferences.

Also, if you wanted to add another restaurant into the mix, have you tried Busboys & Poets? Something for everyone there.

Easy healthy things to have on hand if possible:
- a loaf of Ezekiel bread
- a jar of organic sunbutter or almond butter
- organic fruit & berries
- organic tea
- organic avocado/cucumber/tomato

and there's breakfast & snacks.

I know you mentioned Annie's, but I tend to find them not as tasty. Have you tried Amy's? They have vegan selections like a black bean, kale, and quinoa bowl, burrito, and pad thai. She doesn't get to turn her nose up at frozen food, cooking herself, plus all of the groceries you get - she's gotta give you a break or some ideas somewhere.

Also, can you find anything you can deal with at the restaurants she likes?

And have DH get her to lay the heck off with the judgments. The sourpuss treatment is no fun and not especially helpful. Excuse yourself for whatever naps/walks/errands/etc you need. Use "I'll keep that in mind" liberally and then do your thing your way.

[Anonymous]

Although I agree that your MIL sounds a bit sanctimonious about this, I do know two people who went on extreme vegan diets once diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and are now in remission. They are very uptight about what they eat because they truly believe that their lives depend on it. Try to see your MIL's issues with food as a response to a terrifying existential threat (cancer). If this is what she believes keeps her alive, humor her. Get a bunch of the snacks and frozen foods that other people mentioned when she visits. Encourage her to shop and cook while she's visiting. Order out every night if you need to. It's not much of a hardship for you and it means a lot to her.

[Anonymous]

I don't understand why your MIL leaves her meal planning/prep to you. I am a vegetarian and one of my children has food allergies. If my life depended on food in accordance with my standards, as it sounds like she feels her life depends on being a vegan, I would sure as heck plan, shop, and make my own meals at someone else's house. That's what I do for my child with allergies.

[Anonymous]

Throw some frozen vegan microwave dinners into your freezer to use in a pinch. Otherwise, I agree with the advice to take her to the grocery store and let her buy what she needs. Have any drinks that she likes on hand so that she doesn't have to lug anything too heavy from the store.

[Anonymous]

I don't think her foods are that unusual but she sounds like a pita. I'd buy her a loaf of bread and almond butter and offer to run her to the store or call an uber to the store if she wanted anything else.. I'd flat out say"this will keep us all sane".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think her foods are that unusual but she sounds like a pita. I'd buy her a loaf of bread and almond butter and offer to run her to the store or call an uber to the store if she wanted anything else.. I'd flat out say"this will keep us all sane".

Agree. TBH she eats much like our household. Have something small ready to go, or order for her, then help her get to grocery store. That's what I do when I'm visiting (celiac) it's just easier to not worry my host.

[Anonymous]

She sounds ridiculous. Your DH needs to talk to her. If he doesnt, buy her vegan frozen dinners or order her takeout. Suck it up if its only a few times a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every 3 months is four times a year. A lot of the foods you mentioned are shelf-stable. Just get her special almond butter and brown rice and special pasta and toss them on a shelf.

This! A jar of almond butter will last her a year.

Honestly, you should be eating that stuff instead, anyway.