Any success in not being in charge of everything?

[Anonymous]

My husband leaves all planning / organizing etc to me. If I tell him specific instructions or tasks he will usually do it, but he spends no effort thinking through what needs to be done for anything. For example if we are going on a day trip he will ask me what he needs, it won't even occur to him we needed to set up someone to stop by and walk our dog, if we are going on vacation he will pack basic clothes but not look up what else might be useful etc.

It drives me nuts but hasn't been a huge deal, however with a baby on the way I don't want to be in charge of all things baby related when it comes to getting out the door. Anyone successful in changing this dynamic ?

[Anonymous]

You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

Do you have children PP? If so, what are the ages and how self-directed is your husband with their care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

Op here - I agree this is dramatic. Most of my friends are also in this situation with kids and while it's eye rolling and annoying, it's not marriage ending (in their and my cases). I'm sure I contribute to it too - so what I'm asking is how people break this dynamic that is so common. What can I do differently that forces him to start thinking about this things and not just show up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

Do you have children PP? If so, what are the ages and how self-directed is your husband with their care?

No kid. Kid on the way. I've had to design the baby nursery. My husband will offer his opinion when asked. We both have certain things we take care of. For example he does all the laundry and I clean the bathrooms. I am over expecting my husband to care about the same things I do. He has a lot on his plate and handles a lot. But the man just isn't going to go crazy over the baby nursery or which stroller I order. For vacations, if I don't plan them well we won't go. So I plan them and enjoy being 100 in control of what we see and do. He always remarks later how amazing the trip was. Who cares that I planned it all? I enjoy doing so and we have a great time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

Op here - I agree this is dramatic. Most of my friends are also in this situation with kids and while it's eye rolling and annoying, it's not marriage ending (in their and my cases). I'm sure I contribute to it too - so what I'm asking is how people break this dynamic that is so common. What can I do differently that forces him to start thinking about this things and not just show up.

Stop doing certain things that don't matter. You have to prioritize. Sometimes things won't be perfect or well thought out. If you want them to be then you need to do them.

It stinks but it's a common dynamic. Men get used to taking orders so that's their default. You're the new mommy. Tell him to pack a lunch and he will. But tell him not to pack a lunch and there won't be a lunch.

Here are a few suggestions. Don't plan food for post labor. When he asks you what's for dinner repeat the question back to him. Do the same thing night after night. Get him in the habit of having to think about what's for dinner. Do the same thing with house cleaning. Don't let the house miraculously clean itself (meaning you or a cleaner). Don't make the bed. Don't do the laundry. See how long it takes for him to notice the mess. It will be frustrating but he will notice. When he notices asks him what you should do anout the mess. See what he says. You can also take a similar approach to the first holiday together. Don't plan where you're going or who you're seeing. When he asks about Christmas plans respond back to him again with a question.

In terms of vacations and social plans not sure what to tell you. It's really hard to find a man who wants to plan your social life and vacations. I'm not sure I'd even want that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

Op here - I agree this is dramatic. Most of my friends are also in this situation with kids and while it's eye rolling and annoying, it's not marriage ending (in their and my cases). I'm sure I contribute to it too - so what I'm asking is how people break this dynamic that is so common. What can I do differently that forces him to start thinking about this things and not just show up.

Of course it's dramatic. But you said a baby is on the way. Why would want anything less than the best for your family? If you think there's a lot of planning to do for a vacation, and all he can do is to remember to pack some shirts and underwear, then you're all in for a dramatic surprise. Try doing the planning that you already do and multiplying that by 100. Now do it with no sleep and a crying baby as you're trying to get the ped appointment.

But hey, I'm sure if you make him practice by being in charge of picking the restaurant and movie tonight, it will all be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

Op here - I agree this is dramatic. Most of my friends are also in this situation with kids and while it's eye rolling and annoying, it's not marriage ending (in their and my cases). I'm sure I contribute to it too - so what I'm asking is how people break this dynamic that is so common. What can I do differently that forces him to start thinking about this things and not just show up.

Of course it's dramatic. But you said a baby is on the way. Why would want anything less than the best for your family? If you think there's a lot of planning to do for a vacation, and all he can do is to remember to pack some shirts and underwear, then you're all in for a dramatic surprise. Try doing the planning that you already do and multiplying that by 100. Now do it with no sleep and a crying baby as you're trying to get the ped appointment.

But hey, I'm sure if you make him practice by being in charge of picking the restaurant and movie tonight, it will all be fine.

Omg you're insane. First off, no baby planning is not 100x life without kids. Second, you really think they are going to be going on jam packed vacations once the have a kid? I've actually never met a man who plans out family vacations after getting married. That is certainly on me.

Also way to assume the baby will be crying and you will have gotten to no sleep. I can't stand moms like this. Some mothers enjoy being a mom and it's not even that hard with a baby. I can't imagine getting into such a tizzy over a ped appointment.

[Anonymous]

Op here - I'm more thinking of what things others have let falland did that work. E.g. Did you let your husband leave the house with baby without reminding him what to pack and just letting him deal with the fall out? How did that go? On thinks like day trips did you only pack snacks for yourself? Did you feel like an ahole or did he not even notice and it turns out didn't care whether or not he had food or went hungry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here - I'm more thinking of what things others have let falland did that work. E.g. Did you let your husband leave the house with baby without reminding him what to pack and just letting him deal with the fall out? How did that go? On thinks like day trips did you only pack snacks for yourself? Did you feel like an ahole or did he not even notice and it turns out didn't care whether or not he had food or went hungry?

He will simply buy food. They sell it almost everywhere. Your husband isn't planning because he doesn't think it's necessary. If he ended up starving because your destination doesn't sell food then next time he will bring it.

[Anonymous]

Try finding some answers here:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/272018.page#2944845

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/preList/268371/2891459.page

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/301162.page

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

NP. So then someone - probably you - winds up scrambling at the last minute and calling in friend chits to get the pet somewhere to stay and a way to get there because you can't actually just leave a dog alone for a week. The fish? Yeah, they might just die, but I'm not going to abandon the dog.

And why not get counseling to help make this an easier process? A little outside perspective from someone not emotionally invested in the situation can often be helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

NP. So then someone - probably you - winds up scrambling at the last minute and calling in friend chits to get the pet somewhere to stay and a way to get there because you can't actually just leave a dog alone for a week. The fish? Yeah, they might just die, but I'm not going to abandon the dog.

And why not get counseling to help make this an easier process? A little outside perspective from someone not emotionally invested in the situation can often be helpful.

Why?? Just don't do it. Sit in the driveway while he figures it out. The world will keep spinning.

I seriously doubt counseling is going to really help your husband step up and remember the small details you do. If anything it's a time suck and expensive. So unncessary.

After he forgets pet care then the next time you're planning a vacation tell you you assume he's taken care of the pet care for Fido.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

NP. So then someone - probably you - winds up scrambling at the last minute and calling in friend chits to get the pet somewhere to stay and a way to get there because you can't actually just leave a dog alone for a week. The fish? Yeah, they might just die, but I'm not going to abandon the dog.

And why not get counseling to help make this an easier process? A little outside perspective from someone not emotionally invested in the situation can often be helpful.

Why?? Just don't do it. Sit in the driveway while he figures it out. The world will keep spinning.

I seriously doubt counseling is going to really help your husband step up and remember the small details you do. If anything it's a time suck and expensive. So unncessary.

After he forgets pet care then the next time you're planning a vacation tell you you assume he's taken care of the pet care for Fido.

Unlike divorce, which is really cheap. And no one gets a divorce anymore. I mean, ask parents with small children. They'll tell you that their marriage has never been stronger.