Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, OP, I feel like I wrote this tonite because you sound just like me except I mostly SAH [I WAH about 12 hrs/wk]. I was just thinking I needed an, as you put it, everything chart too. In fact, one of the reasons I haven't returned to WOH FT is because I know none of the division of labor will change. Sorry I don't have advice, but you have my support.

Except, you SAH, so the things she describes is explicitly part of your job description.

Anonymous wrote:I also feel like I could've written this. It's so infuriating.

Anonymous wrote:DH most definitely has ADD, knows it and has sort of started treatment, but only the medication part which helps the focus at work, but he has not taken any of the steps for organization or read any of the books about the dynamics of ADD and relationships or done any of the suggested things to create stucture--and I am tired of asking him to do it.

We tried counseling, but he didnt get along with the counselor--basically got into arugments with the counselor, thought the counselor wsa taking 'my side' and preferred arguing with the counselor than working through our issues.
Yesterday, I made a list of all the household and family chores and responsibilities--basically everything we do for the house or family. There were 36 things on it, ranging from stuff we do daily (breakfast dishes, sweep floors) to occasoinally (pay bills, do taxes, sort through closets). Of that list of 36 items, DH and I regularly split 5 of them, he does one almost exclusively (garbage), and I do the other 30. I sent it and said that things were imbalanced, and that I wanted to work with him to find a better balance and find things that he can take on that fit with his strengths and weaknesses; that I was increasingly angry and it was affecting our marriage, our kids and my health and that I didn't want this to kill the love we have for each other.

We'll see.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I sympathize with you, having been in a similar situation (& it sounds like we may have similar, take-charge, personalities). I used to be frustrated a lot of the time, but we’ve moved past that so I hope to share some helpful advice.

One thing that helped DH and I a LOT was for me to hand over some domains to him. We started really small - but it started to make a difference - knowing that I don't have to spend any time at all thinking about changing the AC or water filters, buying gas or cleaning the grill, etc. We moved on to bigger things, he's now 100% in charge of the cars, all maintainence appointments (i used to schedule them & bring the cars in, despite the shop being 2 miles from his office).

Yes, if we wrote out a chart, I'd still have more on my list. But I have to be completely honest with myself, I wouldn't be comfortable having him buy the kids clothes, handle our budget, or make our travel plans - I'm too controlling for that. And he knows it - after years of trying to help only to be snapped at that he spent $50 on a kids shirt that should have cost $10, or loading the dishwasher wrong, or whatever - he stopped trying to help.

Another important thing to realize, is that you care about things he doesn’t. He would be fine with a cluttered bathroom (and it’s not really a health hazard, so in reality everyone would be fine in a cluttered bathroom). It drives YOU nuts, so you have to be the one to organize it – it’s not fair to put that on the list of things that you do for the family, you do it for yourself (just like I scrub the silver wear drawer ever week )

Find things that you can give him control over, and then really do it and don't think about it anymore. I don't nag (even though I'm tempted to), if the oil change seems to be scheduled later than it's supposed to - that's his deal.

Be honest with yourself - did you have a hand in creating this? Recognize that you may be happier in charge of a larger share of the labor and he knows you well enough to know that.

Ding! Ding! Ding! In my experience, the women who complain that they're carrying 90% of the load generally commit two very big errors:

1) They often overlook the things their husband actually does. Either they don't notice them/take them for granted or don't value those contributions. For example, my DH spends several hours doing yard work most Spring/Summer weekend days. Now that the kids are older, he has them out working with him. There's mowing, edging, watering, raking, weeding, reseeding, aerating, mulching. We could outsource that stuff, sure, but it would be very expensive. Plus he feels, as a matter of principle, that this is one of the responsibilities of homeownership. That's literally several hours every weekend, probably 35 weekends a year. DH also makes the kids' lunches every day and keeps up on the supplies/menus for that. Plus, he gives them breakfast and still prepares some dinners, so in reality he probably prepares 75% of the meals, even though it feels like I'm the one always making dinner. He cleans the kitchen although like OP, he also thinks a gremlin will clean the hand-washables!). He does bathrooms once a week. The trash is always at the curb. He makes sure the cooler gets out for milk delivery every week. etc. etc.

2) They criticize the WAY their husbands do things. My DH used to do laundry. Then he stopped. I got mad, asked him why I always was doing laundry, and his response was: I got tired of being criticized for the way I did it, being told I ruined this shirt or I should separate by hues, not just darks and whites. So, I stopped doing laundry. There are other tasks he no longer does because, why bother?