Any success in not being in charge of everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

NP. So then someone - probably you - winds up scrambling at the last minute and calling in friend chits to get the pet somewhere to stay and a way to get there because you can't actually just leave a dog alone for a week. The fish? Yeah, they might just die, but I'm not going to abandon the dog.

And why not get counseling to help make this an easier process? A little outside perspective from someone not emotionally invested in the situation can often be helpful.

Why?? Just don't do it. Sit in the driveway while he figures it out. The world will keep spinning.

I seriously doubt counseling is going to really help your husband step up and remember the small details you do. If anything it's a time suck and expensive. So unncessary.

After he forgets pet care then the next time you're planning a vacation tell you you assume he's taken care of the pet care for Fido.

Unlike divorce, which is really cheap. And no one gets a divorce anymore. I mean, ask parents with small children. They'll tell you that their marriage has never been stronger.

You're the kind of person who makes a huge deal out of everything.

You really think OP is going to get divorced because her husband forgot to book her dog at the pet kennel?

[Anonymous]

Yes. Let him leave the house without telling him what to pack for baby unless he asks. He will figure it out. Nothing teaches so well as experience, nothing annoys more than nagging.

Do & I have different styles, and it annoys him that I like to pack food and be prepared. He prefers to so and get food where we are. You have to let it go. They won't starve on an afternoon trip to the zoo. And he will learn about diapers and clean clothes and water and wipes. Or simply the fact that you should check the diaper bag before you walk out of the house. But you need to make it a priority to trust him to do it, and do it his way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Let him leave the house without telling him what to pack for baby unless he asks. He will figure it out. Nothing teaches so well as experience, nothing annoys more than nagging.

Do & I have different styles, and it annoys him that I like to pack food and be prepared. He prefers to so and get food where we are. You have to let it go. They won't starve on an afternoon trip to the zoo. And he will learn about diapers and clean clothes and water and wipes. Or simply the fact that you should check the diaper bag before you walk out of the house. But you need to make it a priority to trust him to do it, and do it his way.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

NP. So then someone - probably you - winds up scrambling at the last minute and calling in friend chits to get the pet somewhere to stay and a way to get there because you can't actually just leave a dog alone for a week. The fish? Yeah, they might just die, but I'm not going to abandon the dog.

And why not get counseling to help make this an easier process? A little outside perspective from someone not emotionally invested in the situation can often be helpful.

Why?? Just don't do it. Sit in the driveway while he figures it out. The world will keep spinning.

I seriously doubt counseling is going to really help your husband step up and remember the small details you do. If anything it's a time suck and expensive. So unncessary.

After he forgets pet care then the next time you're planning a vacation tell you you assume he's taken care of the pet care for Fido.

Unlike divorce, which is really cheap. And no one gets a divorce anymore. I mean, ask parents with small children. They'll tell you that their marriage has never been stronger.

You're the kind of person who makes a huge deal out of everything.

You really think OP is going to get divorced because her husband forgot to book her dog at the pet kennel?

Actually I don't. You're the one who seems to be quite upset at any mention of counseling. What's that about? What's the harm in ironing out some potential communication and expectation issues before a baby enters the scene? Having kids is a huge stressor, even in the strongest relationships. What's the harm in going for a few sessions?

If you've spent any time here on DCUM, you'll notice how many threads there are about women complaining that they do everything while their well-meaning husbands need a list to change the baby's diaper. Is that my relationship? Absolutely not. But it's a common dynamic in many relationships. And if it's a dynamic that's been in play for many years, it's not something that self-corrects when a baby comes. It may be a quick fix for OP, and I certainly hope that is the case. But what is the harm in having a 3rd party facilitate that conversation for a few sessions before the baby comes?

It's not the forgetting to take care of the dog that causes a divorce. It's that happening over and over, year after year, along with hundreds of other chores and decisions left to one spouse. If the dynamic is lopsided already before the baby, it typically gets worse once the baby comes. Both the husband needs to step up more, and the wife needs to let go. I'm sure OP will do what she thinks is best for her family. My hope is that she is being realistic about how much she can let go of being in charge and things being potentially messy if her husband has to figure things out on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

NP. So then someone - probably you - winds up scrambling at the last minute and calling in friend chits to get the pet somewhere to stay and a way to get there because you can't actually just leave a dog alone for a week. The fish? Yeah, they might just die, but I'm not going to abandon the dog.

And why not get counseling to help make this an easier process? A little outside perspective from someone not emotionally invested in the situation can often be helpful.

Why?? Just don't do it. Sit in the driveway while he figures it out. The world will keep spinning.

I seriously doubt counseling is going to really help your husband step up and remember the small details you do. If anything it's a time suck and expensive. So unncessary.

After he forgets pet care then the next time you're planning a vacation tell you you assume he's taken care of the pet care for Fido.

Unlike divorce, which is really cheap. And no one gets a divorce anymore. I mean, ask parents with small children. They'll tell you that their marriage has never been stronger.

You're the kind of person who makes a huge deal out of everything.

You really think OP is going to get divorced because her husband forgot to book her dog at the pet kennel?

Actually I don't. You're the one who seems to be quite upset at any mention of counseling. What's that about? What's the harm in ironing out some potential communication and expectation issues before a baby enters the scene? Having kids is a huge stressor, even in the strongest relationships. What's the harm in going for a few sessions?

If you've spent any time here on DCUM, you'll notice how many threads there are about women complaining that they do everything while their well-meaning husbands need a list to change the baby's diaper. Is that my relationship? Absolutely not. But it's a common dynamic in many relationships. And if it's a dynamic that's been in play for many years, it's not something that self-corrects when a baby comes. It may be a quick fix for OP, and I certainly hope that is the case. But what is the harm in having a 3rd party facilitate that conversation for a few sessions before the baby comes?

It's not the forgetting to take care of the dog that causes a divorce. It's that happening over and over, year after year, along with hundreds of other chores and decisions left to one spouse. If the dynamic is lopsided already before the baby, it typically gets worse once the baby comes. Both the husband needs to step up more, and the wife needs to let go. I'm sure OP will do what she thinks is best for her family. My hope is that she is being realistic about how much she can let go of being in charge and things being potentially messy if her husband has to figure things out on his own.

You sound like a nightmare to be married to. Your poor husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have a baby on the way and this is the dynamic???

Get into couples therapy NOW. I'm not joking. This board is littered with wives who do everything and then complain about their husbands who just sit there waiting to be told what to do. I think there's a thread now ("Tired of being the grown-up" or something like that) where it's clear that the wife/mother of a 3 yr old is done and considering divorce.

This will not go away because you made some "tweak" you read about on a forum. This will take a significant effort on BOTH your parts. Like everything else in your marriage, it can't be directed by you. That's why you need a professional to assist with this change.

This is a little dramatic. I think you can sit down and talk to your husband and explain how you feel and how you need him to step up. I don't think you need a paid stranger in the room when you have this conversation.

It may take having your husband learn his lesson a few times. Let him book the vacation without the pet care being arranged. So what? Last time I went on vacation my husband asked about the newspapers. I told him I thought he stopped the paper. Of course he didn't but I'm not going to let him assume I always do these things.

NP. So then someone - probably you - winds up scrambling at the last minute and calling in friend chits to get the pet somewhere to stay and a way to get there because you can't actually just leave a dog alone for a week. The fish? Yeah, they might just die, but I'm not going to abandon the dog.

And why not get counseling to help make this an easier process? A little outside perspective from someone not emotionally invested in the situation can often be helpful.

Why?? Just don't do it. Sit in the driveway while he figures it out. The world will keep spinning.

I seriously doubt counseling is going to really help your husband step up and remember the small details you do. If anything it's a time suck and expensive. So unncessary.

After he forgets pet care then the next time you're planning a vacation tell you you assume he's taken care of the pet care for Fido.

Unlike divorce, which is really cheap. And no one gets a divorce anymore. I mean, ask parents with small children. They'll tell you that their marriage has never been stronger.

You're the kind of person who makes a huge deal out of everything.

You really think OP is going to get divorced because her husband forgot to book her dog at the pet kennel?

Actually I don't. You're the one who seems to be quite upset at any mention of counseling. What's that about? What's the harm in ironing out some potential communication and expectation issues before a baby enters the scene? Having kids is a huge stressor, even in the strongest relationships. What's the harm in going for a few sessions?

If you've spent any time here on DCUM, you'll notice how many threads there are about women complaining that they do everything while their well-meaning husbands need a list to change the baby's diaper. Is that my relationship? Absolutely not. But it's a common dynamic in many relationships. And if it's a dynamic that's been in play for many years, it's not something that self-corrects when a baby comes. It may be a quick fix for OP, and I certainly hope that is the case. But what is the harm in having a 3rd party facilitate that conversation for a few sessions before the baby comes?

It's not the forgetting to take care of the dog that causes a divorce. It's that happening over and over, year after year, along with hundreds of other chores and decisions left to one spouse. If the dynamic is lopsided already before the baby, it typically gets worse once the baby comes. Both the husband needs to step up more, and the wife needs to let go. I'm sure OP will do what she thinks is best for her family. My hope is that she is being realistic about how much she can let go of being in charge and things being potentially messy if her husband has to figure things out on his own.

You sound like a nightmare to be married to. Your poor husband.

Not PP. She actually sounds very reasonable. Your post is just an ad hominem attack. What are your actual points of disagreement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Let him leave the house without telling him what to pack for baby unless he asks. He will figure it out. Nothing teaches so well as experience, nothing annoys more than nagging.

Do & I have different styles, and it annoys him that I like to pack food and be prepared. He prefers to so and get food where we are. You have to let it go. They won't starve on an afternoon trip to the zoo. And he will learn about diapers and clean clothes and water and wipes. Or simply the fact that you should check the diaper bag before you walk out of the house. But you need to make it a priority to trust him to do it, and do it his way.

Very hard to do that when you, as new mom, are bent relentlessly judged for everything about your baby. Baby shows up at park with socks and there will be a thread on DCUM about who lets their infant out of the house like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Let him leave the house without telling him what to pack for baby unless he asks. He will figure it out. Nothing teaches so well as experience, nothing annoys more than nagging.

Do & I have different styles, and it annoys him that I like to pack food and be prepared. He prefers to so and get food where we are. You have to let it go. They won't starve on an afternoon trip to the zoo. And he will learn about diapers and clean clothes and water and wipes. Or simply the fact that you should check the diaper bag before you walk out of the house. But you need to make it a priority to trust him to do it, and do it his way.

Very hard to do that when you, as new mom, are bent relentlessly judged for everything about your baby. Baby shows up at park with socks and there will be a thread on DCUM about who lets their infant out of the house like that.

^^ without socks obvs

[Anonymous]

So much craziness on this thread. I've been married 20 years to a guy who didn't know he had ADHD until after our oldest (now in HS) was diagnosed. It explained so much. I'm not suggesting anyone else's DH has ADHD but for those on the 'let him figure it out himself' bandwagon, I can assure you, that doesn't always work and why make things difficult for yourself?

If your DH's lack of planning/forethought/consideration are causing problems in your marriage - get counseling! Your life is about to get much harder. You hire personal trainers, mechanics and doctors to help you in areas you lack expertise in. Just because you're married doesn't make you an expert in relationships. Consider it an investment.

If your DH takes direction well and will work from lists like mine, you are in an excellent position to get your needs met. And, after a while, your DH will learn the routine - like refilling the diaper bag immediately upon returning home. You don't want to have to make dinner in the evenings, tell him AHEAD of time that he's responsible for dinner for the week. Make your expectations/needs clear and then write it down so he has a list. I usually do it because I can then put it in the order things need to be done. I've even been doing it for our HS DS. Before he can play video games, he's got a list of things he needs to do. This list making is an excellent reinforcement/training for the skills he uses in school to keep track of his assignments and will be helpful in his professional life. Guys like my DH and DSs (I have more than 1 DS with ADHD) struggle with organization and setting priorities for running a household. Leaving them to do it on their own only results in frustration, extra expense and me not having what I want/need. On the other hand, it's super easy for me to organize and make lists.

I know some people can't fathom having to make lists for their DH and giving him priorities. I get it. You wouldn't have married him. I don't care. He's got lots of other positive things about him and rather than beating him up or making him feel like shit for something he struggles with, we do what works.

[Anonymous]

The previous PP has the right idea. I assign my DH specific things and explain that these are things I never want to have to think about like the trash/recycling, laundry, car maintenance etc. We also split dinners up for the week. We may end eating take-out with Peruvian chicken every week on one of his days but I didn't have to think about it so I don't care.

The biggest lesson when we had kids was being okay with however he does things. This is a hard lesson that takes active maintenance on my part to not correct his way of doing certain things. If the kids aren't in any danger let it go.

[Anonymous]

I'm reading through all these man-child stories and wonder where did we go wrong in raising our sons?

smh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading through all these man-child stories and wonder where did we go wrong in raising our sons?

smh

I'm wondering why you think everyone is the same. Diversity isn't just about skin color.

[Anonymous]

I went to work earlier than my H so I could be home by 3:00.

That way he was in charge of the morning without me being there, so he had to figure it out. I didn't micromanage him. He made mistakes but nothing major (so did I btw).

He did all kids laundry.

[Anonymous]

My wife is the ultimate take charge person. When I take charge of something I can usually expect a barrage of questions. We are in the process of moving so we are very busy. Late last night I realized that we hadn't gotten around to ordering Christmas cards so I got on Shutterfly and made a card. As I was finishing she came in and asked what I was doing and she said "Did you include our new address, I want to see which pictures you used and what you wrote on the back". I said "when you do the card I never ask to see it. Why can't you trust me to do it right?" Today I had a suggestion on how we could easily move the million sets of plates we have (and never use) without packing every one given we are only moving a mile. Since it wasn't her idea she couldn't see how it would work. So I simply said, well...enjoy doing it your way if it makes you feel good. It will take a full day to pack all of them....and then unpack all of them.

Don't get me wrong, I love that she likes to take charge but when she isn't in charge she feels at sea!

[Anonymous]

I've had a lot of success in this area, but it's a trade off. The person who is not in charge has to keep their mouth shut and opinions to themselves. DH is in charge of dinner 2 nights great. Whatever he produces, you eat, and tell him it was great. He doesn't produce anything? You make yourself and egg white omelette and keep going. DH A takes the baby to daycare? You let him leave the house without the bottles. When the daycare calls, you give them DH's phone number. What you don't do is fuss at DH when he gets home. And it works in reverse. If you are in charge of setting up the nursery, he can't decide that he doesn't like the glider.

Of course there are many things you can do as a team. But as kids enter the picture, there is an inevitable divide and conquer. If you insist on being a control freak and having it just so, then it's only fair to do it all yourself.

There will be some slipups at first. And some things will not be done to your standards. But you would be amazed at what grownup men can do if you back off and don't Monday Morning Quarterback.