Husband agrees relationship is 50/50, but I do almost everything

[Anonymous]

I have always been adamant with my husband that this relationship is 50/50. We are equally responsible for taking care of each other, the house, the dogs, the future kids, etc. He always agrees. I work out an equitable division of labor, he agrees to it, then does maaaybe 25% of what he is supposed to and only when he feels like it.

This really came to a head when we bought our house and there was suddenly a lot more to do. Back in our crappy apartment, there was no yard, no maintenance, and to be honest, I just didn't care as much if the place was a mess. (Though I still did my part.) Now that we own a place, it's pretty, and it needs and deserves work put into it, I need him to start living up to his word.

My anger kind of waxes and wanes (usually in relation to his listening to me and acknowledging my feelings--natch). But we never get to a point where he will just do his freaking part without my constantly nagging him. I have tried to-do lists, calendars, email/notes instead of speaking directly, in hopes of finding a non-nagging solution, but no go. I always try to compliment him when he does something, but that doesn't get me anywhere either.

I have seen suggestions here about refusing to do any of his work, and making him deal with the fallout, but that will never work because he does not care if we live in a sty. I will eventually need clean dishes. And it is just too crummy to walk around feeling disgusted by my house.

(I should point out, though you might not believe me, that my cleanliness standards are seriously low. All I ask is that things are put where they belong and that messes are cleaned up. I never vacuum or clean a bathroom on a schedule, only when it gets gross, and I have no idea when I last cleaned windows. Or even when I changed the sheets. I should be easy to please.)

So, what do I do here? I am sick of being told he is "working on it." He doesn't want to go to counseling. I feel like an idiot because THIS is my big problem in life. And it will only get 10X worse with kids around, right? Or will I be able to say "Eff you, you're watching the kids for the next five hours while I clean and then take a nap."

I know some folks will call me a bitch and a whiner. It's true, so go for it. Then tell me what genius idea I am missing.

[Anonymous]

What does he suggest as the solution to the problem. Are there things he does care about that can be his responsibilities?

[Anonymous]

A sad fact of life is that men are lazy.

[Anonymous]

Take the list of his chores and outsource them. Throw money at the problem, either to a house cleaner, handyman, college student, etc. For stuff that needs daily attention, like dishes, move those to your list and trade one of your other tasks to his list/the hired help. You will be happy the work is getting done and he will be happy that he can avoid his chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Take the list of his chores and outsource them. Throw money at the problem, either to a house cleaner, handyman, college student, etc. For stuff that needs daily attention, like dishes, move those to your list and trade one of your other tasks to his list/the hired help. You will be happy the work is getting done and he will be happy that he can avoid his chores.

Wait, are you saying they spend hard-earned cash on these chores while he still gets to do nothing? I don't think so. Sure, you may need to outsource some, but DH still needs to participate in what is left. And who manages finding and paying the outsourcing?

It he avoids big projects, I wonder if he might be better at daily chores. Every night, he does the dishes. When the trash is full, he takes it out immediately upon noticing it, that kind of thing.

[Anonymous]

What does he say about it when you talk with him? What are his reasons/excuses? That will help with advice.

[Anonymous]

It will gets much worse after you have children. You better nip it now while you still have a chance .

[Anonymous]

OP here: he avoids both big and small tasks. Nagging works better on the smaller ones, I think. The only thing he likes to do most of the time is cook, so that and grocery shopping are actually an even split. (Yes, I have suggested he take those over entirely. He doesn't want to.)

We do outsource some things (like big yard projects), but a couple problems with that idea: (1) he sometimes is really intent that HE is the only one who will do something right (he just might not get to it for a few years...); and (2) I already pay more than my share of our joint expenses [distinct but related issue] and refuse to pay more just to further his laziness. Also, a regular cleaning service wouldn't work for me, because I would be one of those people who has to clean everything before the maid gets there.

It actually crossed my mind that it might be nice to have my MIL move in so she can share nagging/cleaning responsibilities. That might give you an idea of my mental state.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Re: excuses, it's a whole lot of "I don't have time," and "I'll do it later." When we have big discussions, it's always "I know, I'm working on it." No, he can't elaborate on that statement.

Sometimes he is busier than I am, and I am fine with doing more then. But plenty of the time he's just goofing off. (I realize we all need some goof off time, but there should still be parity.)

Also, he's not ADD as far as we know, but I suggested he get tested just to see.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he needs a schedule for his weekly responsibilities. Sit down and make a list of each item he and you will do that week or on a weekly basis.

[Anonymous]

Make children dependent on therapy. Don't do anything. Just when he thinks it is time to have kids. Say no, unless you go to therapy. Commit to six months before agreeing to try for children.

[Anonymous]

Tell him it makes you hot when he does housework.

No, seriously.

Then establish a pattern...get it?

[Anonymous]

Let me know when you figure it out. Been married 15 years and it's the worst problem in my marriage, the overall laziness. Some stuff I outsource (all our money is joint) -I am blunt that there's less money for fun stuff because he won't do his share. I nag. I get the kids involved (yes, I foolishly had kids without resolving this). I practice being all Zen about it. Nothing works consistently for long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him it makes you hot when he does housework.

No, seriously.

Then establish a pattern...get it?

No. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell him it makes you hot when he does housework.

No, seriously.

Then establish a pattern...get it?

Doesn't work if the person with the higher sex drive is the one doing more around the house. BTDT.