Any success in not being in charge of everything?

[Anonymous]

Agree with the last two PPs. I do a lot but I like the control. Over the years I've started delegating things to DH but I have to give up control and not complain about the way he does things. It's a trade off

[Anonymous]

For years I took care of the kid's needs because they were kids and needed help. Then one day about 20 years ago I was packing for a couple's trip and decided my husband can pack his own bag. I was doing it before because it was easier.

He forgot

his toothbrush
his hair brush
his acid indigestion pills
ibuprofen
more than a pair of underwear
socks
He packed clothes he found in his bottom drawer that were too small. He didn't check the area weather and didn't pack a jacket, long pants. He had to go in shorts and flip flops to buy some clothes and it was 30 degrees out. A strong cold front came in and dropped the temps 50 degrees. I laughed my ass off. Unlike him, I packed right.

Since then he has packed with every scenario in mind. AKA being a grownup. And now he packs his own work suitcase.

I am not his mother. I am only responsible for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband leaves all planning / organizing etc to me. If I tell him specific instructions or tasks he will usually do it, but he spends no effort thinking through what needs to be done for anything. For example if we are going on a day trip he will ask me what he needs, it won't even occur to him we needed to set up someone to stop by and walk our dog, if we are going on vacation he will pack basic clothes but not look up what else might be useful etc.

It drives me nuts but hasn't been a huge deal, however with a baby on the way I don't want to be in charge of all things baby related when it comes to getting out the door. Anyone successful in changing this dynamic ?

Kid on the way is an EXCELLENT time for you both to sit down and talk about goals. and running the household. Ideally with a counselor - tell DH it's about time mgmt, tell the counselor it's about roles, responsibilities, time mgmt, and communication.

He has to manage more of the household responsibilities, everything should not be one spouse's share of mind.

Ask him what he is most looking fw to teaching his kid at each age. Write it down. Get him thinking.

Kids are the first time a couple must really depend on one another. You must be able to count on your partner, TO BE A PARTNER.
Unless he grew up in a drastically different culture or his family of origin had GOod Ol Mom doing everything for her husband and sons (in which case get counseling yesterday), he should be able to "get it". Have him talk more to some married or father friends. He needs real expectations, he might have none right now and he will be blindsided and disappointing. Does he have common sense?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For years I took care of the kid's needs because they were kids and needed help. Then one day about 20 years ago I was packing for a couple's trip and decided my husband can pack his own bag. I was doing it before because it was easier.

He forgot

his toothbrush
his hair brush
his acid indigestion pills
ibuprofen
more than a pair of underwear
socks
He packed clothes he found in his bottom drawer that were too small. He didn't check the area weather and didn't pack a jacket, long pants. He had to go in shorts and flip flops to buy some clothes and it was 30 degrees out. A strong cold front came in and dropped the temps 50 degrees. I laughed my ass off. Unlike him, I packed right.

Since then he has packed with every scenario in mind. AKA being a grownup. And now he packs his own work suitcase.

I am not his mother. I am only responsible for me.

Ha, worked for you. Did not work for me.
Year after year he forgets all that $hit. We have countless vacation pics where he is wearing my sunglasses or he is in the same shirt.
What mostly happens is he goes on a shopping spree the first day or two of every vacation. And buys whatever he forgot or what too lazy to think to pack. So, no lesson learned, his MO is to break something or lose something and just buy it again. Nice example for the kiddos. I thank god we don't have sons all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Let him leave the house without telling him what to pack for baby unless he asks. He will figure it out. Nothing teaches so well as experience, nothing annoys more than nagging.

Do & I have different styles, and it annoys him that I like to pack food and be prepared. He prefers to so and get food where we are. You have to let it go. They won't starve on an afternoon trip to the zoo. And he will learn about diapers and clean clothes and water and wipes. Or simply the fact that you should check the diaper bag before you walk out of the house. But you need to make it a priority to trust him to do it, and do it his way.

We have 3 kids and DH still cannot pack the going out bag or diaper bag. Yeah, I sit back and let him do it, but then I end up at CVS buying formula or bumming a diaper off another couple with a stroller kid.

The kids suffer, not the preoccupied-with-work narcissistic father. He doesn't figure it out. Why? whatever the response to WHy is not flattering. not flattering at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much craziness on this thread. I've been married 20 years to a guy who didn't know he had ADHD until after our oldest (now in HS) was diagnosed. It explained so much. I'm not suggesting anyone else's DH has ADHD but for those on the 'let him figure it out himself' bandwagon, I can assure you, that doesn't always work and why make things difficult for yourself?

If your DH's lack of planning/forethought/consideration are causing problems in your marriage - get counseling! Your life is about to get much harder. You hire personal trainers, mechanics and doctors to help you in areas you lack expertise in. Just because you're married doesn't make you an expert in relationships. Consider it an investment.

If your DH takes direction well and will work from lists like mine, you are in an excellent position to get your needs met. And, after a while, your DH will learn the routine - like refilling the diaper bag immediately upon returning home. You don't want to have to make dinner in the evenings, tell him AHEAD of time that he's responsible for dinner for the week. Make your expectations/needs clear and then write it down so he has a list. I usually do it because I can then put it in the order things need to be done. I've even been doing it for our HS DS. Before he can play video games, he's got a list of things he needs to do. This list making is an excellent reinforcement/training for the skills he uses in school to keep track of his assignments and will be helpful in his professional life. Guys like my DH and DSs (I have more than 1 DS with ADHD) struggle with organization and setting priorities for running a household. Leaving them to do it on their own only results in frustration, extra expense and me not having what I want/need. On the other hand, it's super easy for me to organize and make lists.

I know some people can't fathom having to make lists for their DH and giving him priorities. I get it. You wouldn't have married him. I don't care. He's got lots of other positive things about him and rather than beating him up or making him feel like shit for something he struggles with, we do what works.

My husband has ADHD, just like his brother. He can only focus on one thing and one thing only. Guess what he has chosen to focus on: Office Work. Just like when growing up his Mommy told him only to focus on: School Work.
He needs lots and lots of VERY POLITE reminders and direction. It's exhausting. Just assume you have another child, but one that can't remember or learn anything.

[Anonymous]

OP, the only thing that solved it for us was leaving the baby in husband's care as often as possible. It took more than a year, but he learned to think ahead and became practically OCD about planning just to leave the house.

[Anonymous]

+1 to 13:33, was just about to post the same. Make sure your husband has alone in-charge time with baby early on, there is no substitute for it. Honestly, in some sense, I think it's unfair to expect men to 'get it' if they don't get the chance to fly solo.

But it sounds like there's some groundwork to start on now. Is he involved in planning and prep for the baby? If not, change that. Divide and conquer might work here, so he has some areas he's totally in charge of.

I really like the idea of starting to ask a question back when you get a question assuming you're taking care of something - like dinner.

Look, some women genuinely love to be the in-control supermom their whole lives. Certainly some on this thread reflect that. But from your OP, that doesn't sound like what you want. I also think some women embrace a traditional role early in a relationship or with a new baby, and later after a couple years the novelty wears off and the grind sets in. As they say, try to begin as you mean to go on.

Good luck to you! Please know that plenty of men do step up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So much craziness on this thread. I've been married 20 years to a guy who didn't know he had ADHD until after our oldest (now in HS) was diagnosed. It explained so much. I'm not suggesting anyone else's DH has ADHD but for those on the 'let him figure it out himself' bandwagon, I can assure you, that doesn't always work and why make things difficult for yourself?

If your DH's lack of planning/forethought/consideration are causing problems in your marriage - get counseling! Your life is about to get much harder. You hire personal trainers, mechanics and doctors to help you in areas you lack expertise in. Just because you're married doesn't make you an expert in relationships. Consider it an investment.

If your DH takes direction well and will work from lists like mine, you are in an excellent position to get your needs met. And, after a while, your DH will learn the routine - like refilling the diaper bag immediately upon returning home. You don't want to have to make dinner in the evenings, tell him AHEAD of time that he's responsible for dinner for the week. Make your expectations/needs clear and then write it down so he has a list. I usually do it because I can then put it in the order things need to be done. I've even been doing it for our HS DS. Before he can play video games, he's got a list of things he needs to do. This list making is an excellent reinforcement/training for the skills he uses in school to keep track of his assignments and will be helpful in his professional life. Guys like my DH and DSs (I have more than 1 DS with ADHD) struggle with organization and setting priorities for running a household. Leaving them to do it on their own only results in frustration, extra expense and me not having what I want/need. On the other hand, it's super easy for me to organize and make lists.

I know some people can't fathom having to make lists for their DH and giving him priorities. I get it. You wouldn't have married him. I don't care. He's got lots of other positive things about him and rather than beating him up or making him feel like shit for something he struggles with, we do what works.

My husband has ADHD, just like his brother. He can only focus on one thing and one thing only. Guess what he has chosen to focus on: Office Work. Just like when growing up his Mommy told him only to focus on: School Work.
He needs lots and lots of VERY POLITE reminders and direction. It's exhausting. Just assume you have another child, but one that can't remember or learn anything.

well then. yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So much craziness on this thread. I've been married 20 years to a guy who didn't know he had ADHD until after our oldest (now in HS) was diagnosed. It explained so much. I'm not suggesting anyone else's DH has ADHD but for those on the 'let him figure it out himself' bandwagon, I can assure you, that doesn't always work and why make things difficult for yourself?

If your DH's lack of planning/forethought/consideration are causing problems in your marriage - get counseling! Your life is about to get much harder. You hire personal trainers, mechanics and doctors to help you in areas you lack expertise in. Just because you're married doesn't make you an expert in relationships. Consider it an investment.

If your DH takes direction well and will work from lists like mine, you are in an excellent position to get your needs met. And, after a while, your DH will learn the routine - like refilling the diaper bag immediately upon returning home. You don't want to have to make dinner in the evenings, tell him AHEAD of time that he's responsible for dinner for the week. Make your expectations/needs clear and then write it down so he has a list. I usually do it because I can then put it in the order things need to be done. I've even been doing it for our HS DS. Before he can play video games, he's got a list of things he needs to do. This list making is an excellent reinforcement/training for the skills he uses in school to keep track of his assignments and will be helpful in his professional life. Guys like my DH and DSs (I have more than 1 DS with ADHD) struggle with organization and setting priorities for running a household. Leaving them to do it on their own only results in frustration, extra expense and me not having what I want/need. On the other hand, it's super easy for me to organize and make lists.

I know some people can't fathom having to make lists for their DH and giving him priorities. I get it. You wouldn't have married him. I don't care. He's got lots of other positive things about him and rather than beating him up or making him feel like shit for something he struggles with, we do what works.

Your husband sounds just like mine. And we laugh and joke about all of my lists and about his forgetfulness. We're quite happy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Let him leave the house without telling him what to pack for baby unless he asks. He will figure it out. Nothing teaches so well as experience, nothing annoys more than nagging.

Do & I have different styles, and it annoys him that I like to pack food and be prepared. He prefers to so and get food where we are. You have to let it go. They won't starve on an afternoon trip to the zoo. And he will learn about diapers and clean clothes and water and wipes. Or simply the fact that you should check the diaper bag before you walk out of the house. But you need to make it a priority to trust him to do it, and do it his way.

Very hard to do that when you, as new mom, are bent relentlessly judged for everything about your baby. Baby shows up at park with socks and there will be a thread on DCUM about who lets their infant out of the house like that.

^^ without socks obvs

Well, if it is so very important that everybody thinks you are perfect you are going to have a difficult life. Let it go. Baby is alive, safe, and not crying? Win. Who CARES what your asshole neighbor thinks?? Move to a better community.