How do you get an affair/relationship started with another married person?

[Anonymous]

Do all the affair partners rally believe that their spouses are not having sex with them? Because I am given the impression that is a very convenient excuse, however false. Maybe APs say the to make the other person feel wanted/needed? It all seems like such a tremendous charade and lie.

[Anonymous]

*their (meant: does AP believe that their APs spouse is not having sex with their AP - sorry for any confusion).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:*their (meant: does AP believe that their APs spouse is not having sex with their AP - sorry for any confusion).

In my case, AP and I were a source of mutual support about our sexless marriages for years before we became more than friends. It was excruciatingly painful for both of us to be open about our grief, stress, and sadness and our failures in marriage counseling (2 years for us; 10 years for them). If we were lying to establish the ground work we were Pacino level committed to the roles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do everyone a favor, act mature and get divorced first.

Exactly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*their (meant: does AP believe that their APs spouse is not having sex with their AP - sorry for any confusion).

In my case, AP and I were a source of mutual support about our sexless marriages for years before we became more than friends. It was excruciatingly painful for both of us to be open about our grief, stress, and sadness and our failures in marriage counseling (2 years for us; 10 years for them). If we were lying to establish the ground work we were Pacino level committed to the roles.

You probably were. Which makes it that much worse - maybe not for you, but for everyone else involved. Not that that matters to you, of course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:*their (meant: does AP believe that their APs spouse is not having sex with their AP - sorry for any confusion).

In my case, AP and I were a source of mutual support about our sexless marriages for years before we became more than friends. It was excruciatingly painful for both of us to be open about our grief, stress, and sadness and our failures in marriage counseling (2 years for us; 10 years for them). If we were lying to establish the ground work we were Pacino level committed to the roles.

You probably were. Which makes it that much worse - maybe not for you, but for everyone else involved. Not that that matters to you, of course.

It must be suprr fun to know better than everyone else. Getting yoir PhD at DCUM. Was probably exhausting but no doubt worth it. Best part is that although most people probably *think* you're a sanctimonious bore, you know better.

[Anonymous]

Not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do all the affair partners rally believe that their spouses are not having sex with them? Because I am given the impression that is a very convenient excuse, however false. Maybe APs say the to make the other person feel wanted/needed? It all seems like such a tremendous charade and lie.

^^ another good one is I sleep on the couch.

[Anonymous]

How do people live with themselves knowing that they inflicted such despair on another person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How do people live with themselves knowing that they inflicted such despair on another person?

You mean by having an affair or by consigning their spouse to a life of quiet desperation?

I live with myself just fine. My husband pursued me heavily, had kids with me, and proceeded to check out emotuonally, spending months and sometimes years in cycles of self pity and depression. He's gone to therapy. We've done couples counseling. He's a reasonably good father and the kids like their lives. He's also completely uninterested in human intimacy and deeply resents that I'm not miserable and depressed like he is.

My choices were to break up my children's home, be lonely and sexless starting before age 40, or find intimacy elsewhere. Y husband has a great deal: I do 90% of household and parenting tasks, earn as much as he does, keep a social calendar with his friends, take care of his sick relatives when needed, and no longer hassle him for things he doesn't want to give or can't give.

My AP is in the same boat. He's a meal ticket, he does a ton of the heavy lifting as a parent, he's taking care of his lower functioning spouse without complaint.

I sleep well at night because we've both given up far more for our spouses than they have for us. I'd sleep better in the same bed with my loved one but our kids come first, so this is what wr have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people live with themselves knowing that they inflicted such despair on another person?

You mean by having an affair or by consigning their spouse to a life of quiet desperation?

I live with myself just fine. My husband pursued me heavily, had kids with me, and proceeded to check out emotuonally, spending months and sometimes years in cycles of self pity and depression. He's gone to therapy. We've done couples counseling. He's a reasonably good father and the kids like their lives. He's also completely uninterested in human intimacy and deeply resents that I'm not miserable and depressed like he is.

My choices were to break up my children's home, be lonely and sexless starting before age 40, or find intimacy elsewhere. Y husband has a great deal: I do 90% of household and parenting tasks, earn as much as he does, keep a social calendar with his friends, take care of his sick relatives when needed, and no longer hassle him for things he doesn't want to give or can't give.

My AP is in the same boat. He's a meal ticket, he does a ton of the heavy lifting as a parent, he's taking care of his lower functioning spouse without complaint.

I sleep well at night because we've both given up far more for our spouses than they have for us. I'd sleep better in the same bed with my loved one but our kids come first, so this is what wr have.

I was exactly in your shoes but I chose to separate. Why live a series of lies?

[Anonymous]

I'm not married, but have no desire to be with a married person. Sex is better when emotions are involved, and it's too much compartmentalizing with a married person, not to mention hurting the person they are married too. I'm a man, btw

[Anonymous]

Very curious....aren't the APs in this thread afraid of being found out? Like wouldn't it matter to you that your spouse would be very upset and that could be the end of your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people live with themselves knowing that they inflicted such despair on another person?

You mean by having an affair or by consigning their spouse to a life of quiet desperation?

I live with myself just fine. My husband pursued me heavily, had kids with me, and proceeded to check out emotuonally, spending months and sometimes years in cycles of self pity and depression. He's gone to therapy. We've done couples counseling. He's a reasonably good father and the kids like their lives. He's also completely uninterested in human intimacy and deeply resents that I'm not miserable and depressed like he is.

My choices were to break up my children's home, be lonely and sexless starting before age 40, or find intimacy elsewhere. Y husband has a great deal: I do 90% of household and parenting tasks, earn as much as he does, keep a social calendar with his friends, take care of his sick relatives when needed, and no longer hassle him for things he doesn't want to give or can't give.

My AP is in the same boat. He's a meal ticket, he does a ton of the heavy lifting as a parent, he's taking care of his lower functioning spouse without complaint.

I sleep well at night because we've both given up far more for our spouses than they have for us. I'd sleep better in the same bed with my loved one but our kids come first, so this is what wr have.

I was exactly in your shoes but I chose to separate. Why live a series of lies?

And subject your kids to a father like that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You become a giant asshole, the HUGEST, and then things progress naturally from there.

of course. We got an easy target for fingerpointing.
The thing is, it’s not that black and white.
We actually don’t know the context.

A friend of mine who is 45 is having an affair because after telling his wife thousand times that her neglecting herself and becoming fat was a problem for the marriage, he finally realized she was not going to try to improve this situation.
He is fit, still loves her & the kids, and she is depending on him financially.
What is he supposed to do? Renounce sex for life?

I totally understand the cheating under these circumstances and I don’t judge him.

46 year old female. My husband, who never had a high or even normal sex drive even in his 30s, is overweight and a drunk. Does not initiate, ever. Never gets me off - hasn't in over 15 years. I throw him pity sex 3 or 4 times a month. He hasn't noticed that I've gone from actively complaining about our sex life to never mentioning it. So long as I let him sleep and drink as much as he wants, he is fine, even over a long weekend. I started an affair well over four years ago, and it saved our marriage. My affair partner told me right up front that his marriage is intact, except his wife has lost her passion, and that he would never leave her. I am content now.