How do you get an affair/relationship started with another married person?

[Anonymous]

Maybe.

[Anonymous]

Things are progressing, we’ll go running together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Things are progressing, we’ll go running together.

LOL!

[Anonymous]

Well, already better than staring at each other in the office, isn’t it?

[Anonymous]

You become a giant asshole, the HUGEST, and then things progress naturally from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You become a giant asshole, the HUGEST, and then things progress naturally from there.

And then yeah - the giant, hugest, asshole goes running.

[Anonymous]

This might not be an approach that feels acceptable or appealing to someone who is on a timeline, but my AP and I, who are both married, crept toward our sexual/romantic relationship over a period of several years. We have never worked for the same employer, but we met through work-- collaborative projects, speaking panels, conferences, and the like. In the first two years we knew each other we were alone only a few times, emailed a lot about work, and found we added some personal stuff, because we got along and mutually admired each other. Also saw each other in groups. I noticed right waway he is attractive and that he obviously noticed I was. But we basically evolved into strong acquaintances / work-only friends (no socializing with families).

In the past year, I'd say since summer 2017, we started emailing more and more personally and met alone a few times for lunch or his office, but always based on wanting to chat about the work we're both involved in. But every meeting turned into a 2-3 hour wide ranging conversation. In January 2017 email started to become a daily habit, a few thousand words over any given couple of days, and by summer we were emailing when we woke up at night, first thing in the morning, and before bed. He finally confessed his feelings and we started sleeping together and spending every hour not occupied with work or family either on the phone together, holed up in any private place we can find, or emailing. He admitted he's in love with me after about 2 months together. It's all very cloak and dagger now. I occasionally worry about long term. We've been pining for each other over Thanksgiving, when we're tied up with family all around us and he's traveling.

Anyway, I realized that for many, striking up an affair with another married person is perfect because it's mutually-assured destruction-- nobody will rat you out because nobody wants to blow up their lives. For us it was just falling in love over 4 years.

We'd planned to be secretive forever, til our spouses die or we get caught, even. But I don't know anymore. Hard to picture constantly missing each other outside of stolen hours over years, decades, a life. But it's a good thing overall.

I don't care what people think, honestly. We're not hurting anyone. Our spouses checked out long ago and demand that we serve as roommates, co-parents, and joint tax filers, all of which we're doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might not be an approach that feels acceptable or appealing to someone who is on a timeline, but my AP and I, who are both married, crept toward our sexual/romantic relationship over a period of several years. We have never worked for the same employer, but we met through work-- collaborative projects, speaking panels, conferences, and the like. In the first two years we knew each other we were alone only a few times, emailed a lot about work, and found we added some personal stuff, because we got along and mutually admired each other. Also saw each other in groups. I noticed right waway he is attractive and that he obviously noticed I was. But we basically evolved into strong acquaintances / work-only friends (no socializing with families).

In the past year, I'd say since summer 2017, we started emailing more and more personally and met alone a few times for lunch or his office, but always based on wanting to chat about the work we're both involved in. But every meeting turned into a 2-3 hour wide ranging conversation. In January 2017 email started to become a daily habit, a few thousand words over any given couple of days, and by summer we were emailing when we woke up at night, first thing in the morning, and before bed. He finally confessed his feelings and we started sleeping together and spending every hour not occupied with work or family either on the phone together, holed up in any private place we can find, or emailing. He admitted he's in love with me after about 2 months together. It's all very cloak and dagger now. I occasionally worry about long term. We've been pining for each other over Thanksgiving, when we're tied up with family all around us and he's traveling.

Anyway, I realized that for many, striking up an affair with another married person is perfect because it's mutually-assured destruction-- nobody will rat you out because nobody wants to blow up their lives. For us it was just falling in love over 4 years.

We'd planned to be secretive forever, til our spouses die or we get caught, even. But I don't know anymore. Hard to picture constantly missing each other outside of stolen hours over years, decades, a life. But it's a good thing overall.

I don't care what people think, honestly. We're not hurting anyone. Our spouses checked out long ago and demand that we serve as roommates, co-parents, and joint tax filers, all of which we're doing.

Wow your life sounds miserable. The affair wont last - something will blow up. Instead of living 2 - 1/2 lives why not engage in 1 full one. Either be with AP or spouse. Pick one and save yourself the long drawn out drama and pain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You become a giant asshole, the HUGEST, and then things progress naturally from there.

of course. We got an easy target for fingerpointing.
The thing is, it’s not that black and white.
We actually don’t know the context.

A friend of mine who is 45 is having an affair because after telling his wife thousand times that her neglecting herself and becoming fat was a problem for the marriage, he finally realized she was not going to try to improve this situation.
He is fit, still loves her & the kids, and she is depending on him financially.
What is he supposed to do? Renounce sex for life?

I totally understand the cheating under these circumstances and I don’t judge him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You become a giant asshole, the HUGEST, and then things progress naturally from there.

of course. We got an easy target for fingerpointing.
The thing is, it’s not that black and white.
We actually don’t know the context.

A friend of mine who is 45 is having an affair because after telling his wife thousand times that her neglecting herself and becoming fat was a problem for the marriage, he finally realized she was not going to try to improve this situation.
He is fit, still loves her & the kids, and she is depending on him financially.
What is he supposed to do? Renounce sex for life?

I totally understand the cheating under these circumstances and I don’t judge him.

Yuck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might not be an approach that feels acceptable or appealing to someone who is on a timeline, but my AP and I, who are both married, crept toward our sexual/romantic relationship over a period of several years. We have never worked for the same employer, but we met through work-- collaborative projects, speaking panels, conferences, and the like. In the first two years we knew each other we were alone only a few times, emailed a lot about work, and found we added some personal stuff, because we got along and mutually admired each other. Also saw each other in groups. I noticed right waway he is attractive and that he obviously noticed I was. But we basically evolved into strong acquaintances / work-only friends (no socializing with families).

In the past year, I'd say since summer 2017, we started emailing more and more personally and met alone a few times for lunch or his office, but always based on wanting to chat about the work we're both involved in. But every meeting turned into a 2-3 hour wide ranging conversation. In January 2017 email started to become a daily habit, a few thousand words over any given couple of days, and by summer we were emailing when we woke up at night, first thing in the morning, and before bed. He finally confessed his feelings and we started sleeping together and spending every hour not occupied with work or family either on the phone together, holed up in any private place we can find, or emailing. He admitted he's in love with me after about 2 months together. It's all very cloak and dagger now. I occasionally worry about long term. We've been pining for each other over Thanksgiving, when we're tied up with family all around us and he's traveling.

Anyway, I realized that for many, striking up an affair with another married person is perfect because it's mutually-assured destruction-- nobody will rat you out because nobody wants to blow up their lives. For us it was just falling in love over 4 years.

We'd planned to be secretive forever, til our spouses die or we get caught, even. But I don't know anymore. Hard to picture constantly missing each other outside of stolen hours over years, decades, a life. But it's a good thing overall.

I don't care what people think, honestly. We're not hurting anyone. Our spouses checked out long ago and demand that we serve as roommates, co-parents, and joint tax filers, all of which we're doing.

This is when we need the violins.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might not be an approach that feels acceptable or appealing to someone who is on a timeline, but my AP and I, who are both married, crept toward our sexual/romantic relationship over a period of several years. We have never worked for the same employer, but we met through work-- collaborative projects, speaking panels, conferences, and the like. In the first two years we knew each other we were alone only a few times, emailed a lot about work, and found we added some personal stuff, because we got along and mutually admired each other. Also saw each other in groups. I noticed right waway he is attractive and that he obviously noticed I was. But we basically evolved into strong acquaintances / work-only friends (no socializing with families).

In the past year, I'd say since summer 2017, we started emailing more and more personally and met alone a few times for lunch or his office, but always based on wanting to chat about the work we're both involved in. But every meeting turned into a 2-3 hour wide ranging conversation. In January 2017 email started to become a daily habit, a few thousand words over any given couple of days, and by summer we were emailing when we woke up at night, first thing in the morning, and before bed. He finally confessed his feelings and we started sleeping together and spending every hour not occupied with work or family either on the phone together, holed up in any private place we can find, or emailing. He admitted he's in love with me after about 2 months together. It's all very cloak and dagger now. I occasionally worry about long term. We've been pining for each other over Thanksgiving, when we're tied up with family all around us and he's traveling.

Anyway, I realized that for many, striking up an affair with another married person is perfect because it's mutually-assured destruction-- nobody will rat you out because nobody wants to blow up their lives. For us it was just falling in love over 4 years.

We'd planned to be secretive forever, til our spouses die or we get caught, even. But I don't know anymore. Hard to picture constantly missing each other outside of stolen hours over years, decades, a life. But it's a good thing overall.

I don't care what people think, honestly. We're not hurting anyone. Our spouses checked out long ago and demand that we serve as roommates, co-parents, and joint tax filers, all of which we're doing.

Thx for sharing.
I respect your point of view.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This might not be an approach that feels acceptable or appealing to someone who is on a timeline, but my AP and I, who are both married, crept toward our sexual/romantic relationship over a period of several years. We have never worked for the same employer, but we met through work-- collaborative projects, speaking panels, conferences, and the like. In the first two years we knew each other we were alone only a few times, emailed a lot about work, and found we added some personal stuff, because we got along and mutually admired each other. Also saw each other in groups. I noticed right waway he is attractive and that he obviously noticed I was. But we basically evolved into strong acquaintances / work-only friends (no socializing with families).

In the past year, I'd say since summer 2017, we started emailing more and more personally and met alone a few times for lunch or his office, but always based on wanting to chat about the work we're both involved in. But every meeting turned into a 2-3 hour wide ranging conversation. In January 2017 email started to become a daily habit, a few thousand words over any given couple of days, and by summer we were emailing when we woke up at night, first thing in the morning, and before bed. He finally confessed his feelings and we started sleeping together and spending every hour not occupied with work or family either on the phone together, holed up in any private place we can find, or emailing. He admitted he's in love with me after about 2 months together. It's all very cloak and dagger now. I occasionally worry about long term. We've been pining for each other over Thanksgiving, when we're tied up with family all around us and he's traveling.

Anyway, I realized that for many, striking up an affair with another married person is perfect because it's mutually-assured destruction-- nobody will rat you out because nobody wants to blow up their lives. For us it was just falling in love over 4 years.

We'd planned to be secretive forever, til our spouses die or we get caught, even. But I don't know anymore. Hard to picture constantly missing each other outside of stolen hours over years, decades, a life. But it's a good thing overall.

I don't care what people think, honestly. We're not hurting anyone. Our spouses checked out long ago and demand that we serve as roommates, co-parents, and joint tax filers, all of which we're doing.

Thx for sharing.
I respect your point of view.

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?