How do you get an affair/relationship started with another married person?

[Anonymous]

This is really not so hard. You demonstrate your interest in the other person by doing things that clearly suggest an interest but are plausibly deniable and gradually escalate over time. Light flirting, more physical contact than normal (such as holding a handshake just a smigden longer than normal, light touching that isn't strictly speaking necessary). If the person reacts poorly, you just stop, and if called on it you claim a misunderstanding and never do anything like that again. If the person seems receptive, you are off to the races. Not that I would ever do this, but practically it is not that hard a problem and if you can't figure it out, you aren't really affair material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really not so hard. You demonstrate your interest in the other person by doing things that clearly suggest an interest but are plausibly deniable and gradually escalate over time. Light flirting, more physical contact than normal (such as holding a handshake just a smigden longer than normal, light touching that isn't strictly speaking necessary). If the person reacts poorly, you just stop, and if called on it you claim a misunderstanding and never do anything like that again. If the person seems receptive, you are off to the races. Not that I would ever do this, but practically it is not that hard a problem and if you can't figure it out, you aren't really affair material.

This is true and I think a lot of affairs in the workplace start this way without people realizing they are testing the waters. Call me a cynic, but I do believe not all affairs start because someone wakes up and says, I want to have an affair! I will start today! I think people get in ruts in their marriage, stop communicating effectively, start resenting the spouse, and an opportunity comes up where you start feeling supported/validated by a co-worker of the opposite sex, you guys start spending more time together, and bam, you are doing these thing without realizing it (or realizing it but rationalizing and justifying the hell out of it). Then you either have the beginning of an emotional affair that stays that way or evolves into a physical affair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really not so hard. You demonstrate your interest in the other person by doing things that clearly suggest an interest but are plausibly deniable and gradually escalate over time. Light flirting, more physical contact than normal (such as holding a handshake just a smigden longer than normal, light touching that isn't strictly speaking necessary). If the person reacts poorly, you just stop, and if called on it you claim a misunderstanding and never do anything like that again. If the person seems receptive, you are off to the races. Not that I would ever do this, but practically it is not that hard a problem and if you can't figure it out, you aren't really affair material.

This is true and I think a lot of affairs in the workplace start this way without people realizing they are testing the waters. Call me a cynic, but I do believe not all affairs start because someone wakes up and says, I want to have an affair! I will start today! I think people get in ruts in their marriage, stop communicating effectively, start resenting the spouse, and an opportunity comes up where you start feeling supported/validated by a co-worker of the opposite sex, you guys start spending more time together, and bam, you are doing these thing without realizing it (or realizing it but rationalizing and justifying the hell out of it). Then you either have the beginning of an emotional affair that stays that way or evolves into a physical affair.

I quite agree. For non-serial cheaters, I think there is a lot of self-deception that facilitates the process until it reaches a critical point and then just one act of "bad judgment" pushes things over the top. Kind of lame. I actually have more respect with people who admit to themselves that they are doing something morally wrong on purpose, rather than pretending that it was all some sort of horrible accident because a perfectly innocent relationship "got out of hand."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things - if you have to ask, the answer is no. If you don't have the game to seduce a woman carefully, so that you can deny it and back off safely at any second, then you arent cut out for it. And anyway, I agree that cheating is lame, keep it in yr pants.

I am a woman and I totally agree with this - the if you have to ask part. Seriously dude, don't bother you will go down in flames.

I am a woman and I think this is a ridiculous thing to say. I would be much more likely to go for the guy who didn't seem to "have the game to seduce a woman carefully." If he seemed to slick or like he really knew what he was doing, I would run screaming.

[Anonymous]

Leaving aside issues of morality, why would anyone take a chance with a workplace affair? You're practically crying out to get caught. Is that the thrill you are looking for? If so, it really doesn't matter which approach you use; it will blow up in your face one way or another.

[Anonymous]

Agreed, an affair at work only risks everything. A steady job can help you through a hurtful divorce, but an ugly breakup at work can lead to the failure trifecta: 1) getting fired thus ending a career 2) ending your marriage, and 3) the loss of most of your friends because you can blame your spouse for your infidelity.

[Anonymous]

so its better to try these "moves" on someone outside of work say a bar or social event?

i tend to agree that the workplace affair opens a can of worms that can just lead to all types of turmoil. however, a company trip out of town would be a "good" opportunity for something to happen right?

im just throwing out questions out of curiosity. i have no person in mind per se

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things - if you have to ask, the answer is no. If you don't have the game to seduce a woman carefully, so that you can deny it and back off safely at any second, then you arent cut out for it. And anyway, I agree that cheating is lame, keep it in yr pants.

I am a woman and I totally agree with this - the if you have to ask part. Seriously dude, don't bother you will go down in flames.

I am a woman and I think this is a ridiculous thing to say. I would be much more likely to go for the guy who didn't seem to "have the game to seduce a woman carefully." If he seemed to slick or like he really knew what he was doing, I would run screaming.

I also take it that you are not in the market to have an affair with a married man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is one of those things - if you have to ask, the answer is no. If you don't have the game to seduce a woman carefully, so that you can deny it and back off safely at any second, then you arent cut out for it. And anyway, I agree that cheating is lame, keep it in yr pants.

I am a woman and I totally agree with this - the if you have to ask part. Seriously dude, don't bother you will go down in flames.

I am a woman and I think this is a ridiculous thing to say. I would be much more likely to go for the guy who didn't seem to "have the game to seduce a woman carefully." If he seemed to slick or like he really knew what he was doing, I would run screaming.

I also take it that you are not in the market to have an affair with a married man.

Only because I am already having one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is really not so hard. You demonstrate your interest in the other person by doing things that clearly suggest an interest but are plausibly deniable and gradually escalate over time. Light flirting, more physical contact than normal (such as holding a handshake just a smigden longer than normal, light touching that isn't strictly speaking necessary). If the person reacts poorly, you just stop, and if called on it you claim a misunderstanding and never do anything like that again. If the person seems receptive, you are off to the races. Not that I would ever do this, but practically it is not that hard a problem and if you can't figure it out, you aren't really affair material.

Perfectly stated. And, while you know this already, you are definitely affair material.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]so its better to try these "moves" on someone outside of work say a bar or social event?

i tend to agree that the workplace affair opens a can of worms that can just lead to all types of turmoil. however, a company trip out of town would be a "good" opportunity for something to happen right?

im just throwing out questions out of curiosity. i have no person in mind per se[/quote]


I would think having an affair with someone you and presumably your wife know socially would make you more likely to get caught and be more hurtful than someone at work. It's closer to home. Someone who is also married but not connected to work or the same social sphere as your wife and friends, would be ideal. Ex. Someone you meet through a work situation but they do not work at your place of business.

On another point previously mentioned, as a woman, I flirt to show my interest but I leave it up to the man to initiate the pass. If he won't attempt to close the deal then I lose interest and assume he wasn't interested to begin with.

[Anonymous]

Depends on who. Different women want different things. Did you see the movie Notes on a Scandal and wonder how a pretty upper-class woman with a loving family could end up giving a 16-yo blowjobs in the classroom? The character Cate Blanchett portrayed felt invisible. She missed being admired by someone under the age of fifty. She wanted to be f'd by someone who really wanted to f her. The boy could see that so he told her what he knew she wanted to hear. Many women want to hear that they are irresistibly bewitching but not all. Find out what your prospective fling wants to hear by listening to her jokes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is really not so hard. You demonstrate your interest in the other person by doing things that clearly suggest an interest but are plausibly deniable and gradually escalate over time. Light flirting, more physical contact than normal (such as holding a handshake just a smigden longer than normal, light touching that isn't strictly speaking necessary). If the person reacts poorly, you just stop, and if called on it you claim a misunderstanding and never do anything like that again. If the person seems receptive, you are off to the races. Not that I would ever do this, but practically it is not that hard a problem and if you can't figure it out, you aren't really affair material.

Perfectly stated. And, while you know this already, you are definitely affair material.

Ha! I am a DH who posted this, so you should probably withdraw your flirtatious remark, because I am guessing you are as well. Not that there is anything wrong with that. ~snort~

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on who. Different women want different things. Did you see the movie Notes on a Scandal and wonder how a pretty upper-class woman with a loving family could end up giving a 16-yo blowjobs in the classroom? The character Cate Blanchett portrayed felt invisible. She missed being admired by someone under the age of fifty. She wanted to be f'd by someone who really wanted to f her. The boy could see that so he told her what he knew she wanted to hear. Many women want to hear that they are irresistibly bewitching but not all. Find out what your prospective fling wants to hear by listening to her jokes.

Great advice but I wonder if you are a sociopath. So calculating.

[Anonymous]

it seems to me that these affairs just happen more than it being some calculated drawn out plan. correct me if im wrong please cause that is why i asked the question to start this thread.

so maybe there is innocent flirting that neither person realizes than it goes from there. maybe the serial cheaters figure out the right tricks to apply once they get their feet wet but for a first timer it "just happens"

at least thats my observation.