How do you get an affair/relationship started with another married person?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do people live with themselves knowing that they inflicted such despair on another person?

You mean by having an affair or by consigning their spouse to a life of quiet desperation?

I live with myself just fine. My husband pursued me heavily, had kids with me, and proceeded to check out emotuonally, spending months and sometimes years in cycles of self pity and depression. He's gone to therapy. We've done couples counseling. He's a reasonably good father and the kids like their lives. He's also completely uninterested in human intimacy and deeply resents that I'm not miserable and depressed like he is.

My choices were to break up my children's home, be lonely and sexless starting before age 40, or find intimacy elsewhere. Y husband has a great deal: I do 90% of household and parenting tasks, earn as much as he does, keep a social calendar with his friends, take care of his sick relatives when needed, and no longer hassle him for things he doesn't want to give or can't give.

My AP is in the same boat. He's a meal ticket, he does a ton of the heavy lifting as a parent, he's taking care of his lower functioning spouse without complaint.

I sleep well at night because we've both given up far more for our spouses than they have for us. I'd sleep better in the same bed with my loved one but our kids come first, so this is what wr have.

I was exactly in your shoes but I chose to separate. Why live a series of lies?

Children do much better with their parents together. I have zero interest in living with or marrying anyone. Money - we have an estate worth almost $5 million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very curious....aren't the APs in this thread afraid of being found out? Like wouldn't it matter to you that your spouse would be very upset and that could be the end of your marriage?

No I wouldn't mind. I've been "very unhappy" with my H's lack of interest in physical touch and sex for over 15 years. If our marriage ends because I need things that he is not interested in giving to me, then that's on both of us. I have told him, directly and many times, in front of a counsellor and when it's just the two of us, that perfunctory sex involving body parts but not shared intimacy sucks totally. He doesn't understand what more I want and won't be vulnerable to me. If he decides that me sharing intimacy, which he doesn't want to give or receive, emotional and physical, is the end of our otherwise okay marriage, that's his choice. He would never admit it, but I think deep down he's relieved that he doesn't have to respond to me on other than a logistical level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very curious....aren't the APs in this thread afraid of being found out? Like wouldn't it matter to you that your spouse would be very upset and that could be the end of your marriage?

We are very careful and I can't see us getting caught with all of the precautions we take. ..

If we ever decided we need our marriages to end I'm sure all og our lives would become chaotic and difficult. There's no way either of us would allow that chaos to happen by accident.

Thanksgiving has been torture because neither of us has had a moment alone. We've only emailed for the past few days. But stepping away for a phone call would be too risky.

His wife is the suspicious type and part of me wonders whether, even though we've concealed things well, she *knows* on some level that his mind is elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

No need to flame here. I and my AP are starting to fantasize about that, then freaking out and "behaving" ourselves for the good of kids, friendships, Christmas. It's better to have these two lives than it was to have only one, but would most likely be even better to get to where you are. We just can't seem to put our happiness ahead of our obligations, but I think you're the one who's doing it right.

[Anonymous]

So, we went running and it was nice.
He wants to do it agin.

[Anonymous]

He's a client and we periodically have to travel on business together coming from different cities. After about four years something just happened. We only travel together 1-2 times a year and in between all of our contact is strictly business. It's a strange relationship but when we get together the sex is to die for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's a client and we periodically have to travel on business together coming from different cities. After about four years something just happened. We only travel together 1-2 times a year and in between all of our contact is strictly business. It's a strange relationship but when we get together the sex is to die for.

Interesting.
How did you make it happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

Did you realize that your exDW cleaned her asshole with your toothbrush?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

No need to flame here. I and my AP are starting to fantasize about that, then freaking out and "behaving" ourselves for the good of kids, friendships, Christmas. It's better to have these two lives than it was to have only one, but would most likely be even better to get to where you are. We just can't seem to put our happiness ahead of our obligations, but I think you're the one who's doing it right.

Doing it ‘right’ for you should involve walking in front of a bus or maybe a Walmart 18-wheeler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do all the affair partners rally believe that their spouses are not having sex with them? Because I am given the impression that is a very convenient excuse, however false. Maybe APs say the to make the other person feel wanted/needed? It all seems like such a tremendous charade and lie.

OK, so my AP I actually do not think is having sex with his wife. Maybe occasionally. He's committed to the marriage (although, not to his wife, obviously, as he his having sex with me). I don't see any reason for him to lie, since he knows I AM having sex with my husband. Why would he bother to lie about that to me, when he has every right to have sex with his wife? I didn't start having sex with him on condition that he not have sex with his wife. I'm pleased that he isn't having sex with her, but he doesn't actually have to know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's a client and we periodically have to travel on business together coming from different cities. After about four years something just happened. We only travel together 1-2 times a year and in between all of our contact is strictly business. It's a strange relationship but when we get together the sex is to die for.

Interesting.
How did you make it happen?

We were staying at the same hotel and there was a big convention of very rowdy people. We were having a post dinner drink in the bar and I asked if he would walk me back to my room given the cast of characters roaming around. When we got to my room something got me to ask him of he'd like to come in. He said yes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

No need to flame here. I and my AP are starting to fantasize about that, then freaking out and "behaving" ourselves for the good of kids, friendships, Christmas. It's better to have these two lives than it was to have only one, but would most likely be even better to get to where you are. We just can't seem to put our happiness ahead of our obligations, but I think you're the one who's doing it right.

Doing it ‘right’ for you should involve walking in front of a bus or maybe a Walmart 18-wheeler.

Why the hostility? You think the punishment for cheating is death?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This might not be an approach that feels acceptable or appealing to someone who is on a timeline, but my AP and I, who are both married, crept toward our sexual/romantic relationship over a period of several years. We have never worked for the same employer, but we met through work-- collaborative projects, speaking panels, conferences, and the like. In the first two years we knew each other we were alone only a few times, emailed a lot about work, and found we added some personal stuff, because we got along and mutually admired each other. Also saw each other in groups. I noticed right waway he is attractive and that he obviously noticed I was. But we basically evolved into strong acquaintances / work-only friends (no socializing with families).

In the past year, I'd say since summer 2017, we started emailing more and more personally and met alone a few times for lunch or his office, but always based on wanting to chat about the work we're both involved in. But every meeting turned into a 2-3 hour wide ranging conversation. In January 2017 email started to become a daily habit, a few thousand words over any given couple of days, and by summer we were emailing when we woke up at night, first thing in the morning, and before bed. He finally confessed his feelings and we started sleeping together and spending every hour not occupied with work or family either on the phone together, holed up in any private place we can find, or emailing. He admitted he's in love with me after about 2 months together. It's all very cloak and dagger now. I occasionally worry about long term. We've been pining for each other over Thanksgiving, when we're tied up with family all around us and he's traveling.

Anyway, I realized that for many, striking up an affair with another married person is perfect because it's mutually-assured destruction-- nobody will rat you out because nobody wants to blow up their lives. For us it was just falling in love over 4 years.

We'd planned to be secretive forever, til our spouses die or we get caught, even. But I don't know anymore. Hard to picture constantly missing each other outside of stolen hours over years, decades, a life. But it's a good thing overall.

I don't care what people think, honestly. We're not hurting anyone. Our spouses checked out long ago and demand that we serve as roommates, co-parents, and joint tax filers, all of which we're doing.

Your story sounds very similar to mine, only we haven't admitted our feelings or crossed any lines. How did you get to that step? I think we are both afraid, and I worry that maybe I've read the whole situation wrong and he is not actually attracted to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

What people on DCUM don't seem to want to hear- particularly wives who stopped having sex and reduced their marriages to nights in front of the TV, is that they broke their wedding vows. Nobody can survive without intimacy for life and only a self-absorbed person believes their spouse deserves that kind of misery (or that the pleasure of a platonic relationship with them is enough).

Face it- if you stopped having sex unilaterally and your spouse hasn't left you it's because he or she is having an affair.

I don’t agree that wives who stopped having sex with their husbands broke their vows, but the rest of your Post is spot on.
I’m a 60 YO man and lived thru this exact scenario: no intimacy and I existed in silent misery.

Did you eventually leave or have an affair (or both)?

Both. I had an EA with a woman I dated in college. She was a widow. I left my wife and it’s not something I’m proud of but I’ve learned to live with it. I still support her financially. My life is much better as a result of my divorce. I’m happier than I’ve been in over a decade. My EA turned into a full relationship and we are very supportive of each other.
Flame away if you feel the need.

Did you realize that your exDW cleaned her asshole with your toothbrush?

I’m the PP referred to here. I had to laugh when I read this because my ex was a dental hygienist. While I don’t think she would do something like this the comment caused me to pause and consider it! Too funny.