Dating single dad, should I just assume we won't be having sex much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s been a widower for 3 years and has a 3 year old plus two other children? I’m not sure he is ready to be serious with kids this young, the timing and his wants. Best of luck. You sound very nice.

Have mercy. He had a new baby, 4 yo, and 6 yo while grieving. To answer your question OP, yes you'll need to accept quickies, spontaneity, and his routine above all else. That being said, take advantage of 8-11pm. Make a lovely dinner, dessert, wine and create a a very chill 3 hours. Let it happen organically because this guy needs you to be very flexible and secure. It's the relationship test of all tests. Stay the course if you care about him, and can see the forest for the trees. If not, be very honest that FWB is ok. In fact, this might be what he prefers right now. It may not be a deliberate test, but it's a test of your ability to be nurturing, not needy.

Believe me, I totally understand that his kids come first.
A dinner date actually sounds lovely. He's home by 8 for bedtime though, but we could do the same thing earlier. I'm not sure FWB would be okay with me. It isn't that we haven't done anything we've made out etc, just no sex yet. We've seen each other since the 3-month deadline and still no sex, maybe he needs more time. I don't want to seem needy, but I do need to know where his head is on this. Guess I'm going to have to come out of my comfort zone and just ask if sex is something he wants right now and if he does how we're going to work it in.

Pp again. The 3 month deadline is throwing me off. I get that you both agreed to wait a bit before sex, but you seem rigid about it. Clock doesn't strike 12 and you have sex. I bet you had moments of kissing etc that could have naturally led to sex. Feels like putting a timer on it is indicative of being inflexible, especially now that time is up. It would feel that way to me at least.

You have so little time with him to be getting too deep into minutiae about the time and place, if he's ready or not. You know where his head is at right? I rarely push advice, but for you I suggest letting it happen when it happens. Make a lovely brunch at 2 or 3, pop open an icy fillette of champagne to make 2 mimosas, and bake a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to send home with him for the kids. If he doesn't lift you up and do you in the kitchen, have patience and try again. Maybe breakfast after he drops kids at camp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s been a widower for 3 years and has a 3 year old plus two other children? I’m not sure he is ready to be serious with kids this young, the timing and his wants. Best of luck. You sound very nice.

Have mercy. He had a new baby, 4 yo, and 6 yo while grieving. To answer your question OP, yes you'll need to accept quickies, spontaneity, and his routine above all else. That being said, take advantage of 8-11pm. Make a lovely dinner, dessert, wine and create a a very chill 3 hours. Let it happen organically because this guy needs you to be very flexible and secure. It's the relationship test of all tests. Stay the course if you care about him, and can see the forest for the trees. If not, be very honest that FWB is ok. In fact, this might be what he prefers right now. It may not be a deliberate test, but it's a test of your ability to be nurturing, not needy.

Believe me, I totally understand that his kids come first.
A dinner date actually sounds lovely. He's home by 8 for bedtime though, but we could do the same thing earlier. I'm not sure FWB would be okay with me. It isn't that we haven't done anything we've made out etc, just no sex yet. We've seen each other since the 3-month deadline and still no sex, maybe he needs more time. I don't want to seem needy, but I do need to know where his head is on this. Guess I'm going to have to come out of my comfort zone and just ask if sex is something he wants right now and if he does how we're going to work it in.

Pp again. The 3 month deadline is throwing me off. I get that you both agreed to wait a bit before sex, but you seem rigid about it. Clock doesn't strike 12 and you have sex. I bet you had moments of kissing etc that could have naturally led to sex. Feels like putting a timer on it is indicative of being inflexible, especially now that time is up. It would feel that way to me at least.

You have so little time with him to be getting too deep into minutiae about the time and place, if he's ready or not. You know where his head is at right? I rarely push advice, but for you I suggest letting it happen when it happens. Make a lovely brunch at 2 or 3, pop open an icy fillette of champagne to make 2 mimosas, and bake a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to send home with him for the kids. If he doesn't lift you up and do you in the kitchen, have patience and try again. Maybe breakfast after he drops kids at camp.

So you think trying to talk to him about it would be too much pressure and added stress? The 3-month thing has been for my own preservation, but yeah I probably could have gone further with him earlier. He also didn't push it which I respect. It's not that I expected sex the moment the clock struck 12 as you say, but I also thought he'd be pretty eager to get to it. Like I've said before I'm used to guys who take a strong lead with this sort of thing, but maybe he needs a little low-key encouragement. Not sure about the cookies though, my baking is shit lol.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I agree that your arbitrary 3-month “deadline” (your words) are the problem. He’s vulnerable and out of his depth and you’re acting like some random, formal timeline is appropriate. Let him go, OP, he deserves way better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah I agree that your arbitrary 3-month “deadline” (your words) are the problem. He’s vulnerable and out of his depth and you’re acting like some random, formal timeline is appropriate. Let him go, OP, he deserves way better.

This is a bit much! OP has not done anything wrong. Given their situation a 3-month deadline was wise. But since she was vocal about that she should be equally as vocal in words ( or actions) that she'd like their relationship to progress physically now. She can't expect him to read her mind. While what happened to her boyfriend was tragic, he's not OP's victim or a child in need of babying. They just need to figure out the logistics of things which will require flexibility on both their parts and maybe slightly more on OP's side at least initially. And really they have more than enough time for a sexual encounter given the time frame OP describes, but maybe he's not ready to have sex with another woman, and if that's the case he needs to be honest with OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s been a widower for 3 years and has a 3 year old plus two other children? I’m not sure he is ready to be serious with kids this young, the timing and his wants. Best of luck. You sound very nice.

Have mercy. He had a new baby, 4 yo, and 6 yo while grieving. To answer your question OP, yes you'll need to accept quickies, spontaneity, and his routine above all else. That being said, take advantage of 8-11pm. Make a lovely dinner, dessert, wine and create a a very chill 3 hours. Let it happen organically because this guy needs you to be very flexible and secure. It's the relationship test of all tests. Stay the course if you care about him, and can see the forest for the trees. If not, be very honest that FWB is ok. In fact, this might be what he prefers right now. It may not be a deliberate test, but it's a test of your ability to be nurturing, not needy.

Believe me, I totally understand that his kids come first.
A dinner date actually sounds lovely. He's home by 8 for bedtime though, but we could do the same thing earlier. I'm not sure FWB would be okay with me. It isn't that we haven't done anything we've made out etc, just no sex yet. We've seen each other since the 3-month deadline and still no sex, maybe he needs more time. I don't want to seem needy, but I do need to know where his head is on this. Guess I'm going to have to come out of my comfort zone and just ask if sex is something he wants right now and if he does how we're going to work it in.

Pp again. The 3 month deadline is throwing me off. I get that you both agreed to wait a bit before sex, but you seem rigid about it. Clock doesn't strike 12 and you have sex. I bet you had moments of kissing etc that could have naturally led to sex. Feels like putting a timer on it is indicative of being inflexible, especially now that time is up. It would feel that way to me at least.

You have so little time with him to be getting too deep into minutiae about the time and place, if he's ready or not. You know where his head is at right? I rarely push advice, but for you I suggest letting it happen when it happens. Make a lovely brunch at 2 or 3, pop open an icy fillette of champagne to make 2 mimosas, and bake a batch of oatmeal chocolate chip cookies to send home with him for the kids. If he doesn't lift you up and do you in the kitchen, have patience and try again. Maybe breakfast after he drops kids at camp.

So you think trying to talk to him about it would be too much pressure and added stress? The 3-month thing has been for my own preservation, but yeah I probably could have gone further with him earlier.He also didn't push it which I respect. It's not that I expected sex the moment the clock struck 12 as you say, but I also thought he'd be pretty eager to get to it. Like I've said before I'm used to guys who take a strong lead with this sort of thing, but maybe he needs a little low-key encouragement. Not sure about the cookies though, my baking is shit lol.

Me again. Ok no baking hehe. Yes, I think less talk would be the way to go. Just do what you normally do and keep going. If he seems to stall, then use your words. Don't interrupt the moment though. Tell him in the moment, don't go full on fuk me now. You know what I mean. Let him know it's time in the most sexual way you can. Spoil him a bit with brunch and offer wine or champagne to chill him out a bit.

[Anonymous]

Op, I have a good friend who is a widower with 2 young kids. We talk about his dating limitations fairly openly, as he would really like to find someone to settle down with.

He says he is clear with women that overnight are always going to be at his place. So they have to be ok with that. What that means is that his kids go to bed early (probably around 8), but are also up early (7?) and so there are no lazy mornings in bed. That’s just his reality.

I don’t understand why this guy won’t hire a babysitter to give his kids dinner and do bedtime so you all can go out to dinner or your place to hang out (and maybe have sex). Of course he needs to leave and go home, but DH and I know plenty of babysitters who are happy to work from 6pm- midnight or whatever. If he isn’t open to doing that, I don’t think he’s that into you. I mean, parents are allowed to do regular date nights and have someone else do bedtime for their kids. If he really insists on doing every bedtime, that a flag he’s a total nut case as a parent (I do know parents who don’t want anyone other than family babysitting and they are all total nutcases about their kids).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a good friend who is a widower with 2 young kids. We talk about his dating limitations fairly openly, as he would really like to find someone to settle down with.

He says he is clear with women that overnight are always going to be at his place. So they have to be ok with that. What that means is that his kids go to bed early (probably around 8), but are also up early (7?) and so there are no lazy mornings in bed. That’s just his reality.

I don’t understand why this guy won’t hire a babysitter to give his kids dinner and do bedtime so you all can go out to dinner or your place to hang out (and maybe have sex). Of course he needs to leave and go home, but DH and I know plenty of babysitters who are happy to work from 6pm- midnight or whatever. If he isn’t open to doing that, I don’t think he’s that into you. I mean, parents are allowed to do regular date nights and have someone else do bedtime for their kids. If he really insists on doing every bedtime, that a flag he’s a total nut case as a parent (I do know parents who don’t want anyone other than family babysitting and they are all total nutcases about their kids).

I couldn't disagree with you more,pp. I actually think OP's boyfriend is getting right by not bring random girls home to sleep with them. It's also messed up that you call him a nutcase because he wants to be there for his kids to put them to bed, that he considers their needs and not just his penis, that shows maturity, which is more than I can say for your friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a good friend who is a widower with 2 young kids. We talk about his dating limitations fairly openly, as he would really like to find someone to settle down with.

He says he is clear with women that overnight are always going to be at his place. So they have to be ok with that. What that means is that his kids go to bed early (probably around 8), but are also up early (7?) and so there are no lazy mornings in bed. That’s just his reality.

I don’t understand why this guy won’t hire a babysitter to give his kids dinner and do bedtime so you all can go out to dinner or your place to hang out (and maybe have sex). Of course he needs to leave and go home, but DH and I know plenty of babysitters who are happy to work from 6pm- midnight or whatever. If he isn’t open to doing that, I don’t think he’s that into you. I mean, parents are allowed to do regular date nights and have someone else do bedtime for their kids. If he really insists on doing every bedtime, that a flag he’s a total nut case as a parent (I do know parents who don’t want anyone other than family babysitting and they are all total nutcases about their kids).

I couldn't disagree with you more,pp. I actually think OP's boyfriend is getting right by not bring random girls home to sleep with them. It's also messed up that you call him a nutcase because he wants to be there for his kids to put them to bed, that he considers their needs and not just his penis, that shows maturity, which is more than I can say for your friend.

+1

I also think you are being really insensitive calling a windowed with three small children a nut case. Who knows how he is dealing with losing his spouse? Or maybe one of his kids is still really struggling with the lose of their mother. Show some grace and empathy for a really difficult situation. I lost my father suddenly as a kid and it took me a full year to get back to a somewhat normal level. My sister had years of issues as a result.

[Anonymous]

Whether BF is a nutcase doesn’t really matter. OP’s question is whether she can expect that she won’t be having sex. And it seems that she won’t be unless she and he do something different. It’s like going to a chipotle and wondering when she’ll get her Italian sandwich.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I have a good friend who is a widower with 2 young kids. We talk about his dating limitations fairly openly, as he would really like to find someone to settle down with.

He says he is clear with women that overnight are always going to be at his place. So they have to be ok with that. What that means is that his kids go to bed early (probably around 8), but are also up early (7?) and so there are no lazy mornings in bed. That’s just his reality.

I don’t understand why this guy won’t hire a babysitter to give his kids dinner and do bedtime so you all can go out to dinner or your place to hang out (and maybe have sex). Of course he needs to leave and go home, but DH and I know plenty of babysitters who are happy to work from 6pm- midnight or whatever. If he isn’t open to doing that, I don’t think he’s that into you. I mean, parents are allowed to do regular date nights and have someone else do bedtime for their kids. If he really insists on doing every bedtime, that a flag he’s a total nut case as a parent (I do know parents who don’t want anyone other than family babysitting and they are all total nutcases about their kids).

I couldn't disagree with you more,pp. I actually think OP's boyfriend is getting right by not bring random girls home to sleep with them. It's also messed up that you call him a nutcase because he wants to be there for his kids to put them to bed, that he considers their needs and not just his penis, that shows maturity, which is more than I can say for your friend.

I agree. Calling a dad who wants to be there for his kids WHO LOST THEIR MOTHER a nutcase is pretty psycho, actually.

[Anonymous]

OP I find it odd you're more concerned about the sex instead of the kids. Three kids will end up being a lot problems for you down the road. They aren't your kids, and you'll never be invested. I give him credit because he is probably more responsible than most men I've seen. However, you really should find someone without children to date. Someone you can have a future with. This is merely wasting your time, something many women do and end up regretting down the road.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure he is a widowed. I looked into his background and it checks out. I honestly don't have a problem with him wanting to be there every night for his kids.
I just want to have sex with him, but am realizing that's going to take more planning and me being blunt. I will talk to him about it.

You just want to have sex with him and he is thinking about getting into a relationship as a father with three children. There might be a disconnect!

I don't just want to have sex with him, but yes I do want to have sex with my boyfriend.

You need to focus on your future. A guy with three kids isn't it.

[Anonymous]

He's been without intimacy and without practice for years. I'm sure he wants to sleep with you as much as you do. You have to take a lead on this one.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you do what me and my DH did when our kids were small and take a day off work to spend time together and have sex? I get spending the night would be preferably but, as you know, you've got to make allowances for his situation. Have him come to your place after the kids are at school/daycare and take it from there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I find it odd you're more concerned about the sex instead of the kids. Three kids will end up being a lot problems for you down the road. They aren't your kids, and you'll never be invested. I give him credit because he is probably more responsible than most men I've seen. However, you really should find someone without children to date. Someone you can have a future with. This is merely wasting your time, something many women do and end up regretting down the road.

Um they've been together for 3 months how invested is she supposed to be in his kids at this point? Op seems to have accepted his kids as part of the package considering she's not making a fuss over not being able to spend the night with her bf and she seems to admire his devotion to his kids . Both are good signs in my opinion.

And there are plenty of stepmoms who live and are invested in their step kids. His kids are very young so it will likely be easier to forge a bond should their relationship progress to the point .