Dating single dad, should I just assume we won't be having sex much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - no one can know the future, but the present situation is a good indication of what the future will hold - why would things be any different? The only way to know is to try to shake up the routine that doesn't seem to be working for you. e.g., ask him to meet you at your house for lunch, talk to him about wanting to start the sex-part of your dating, suggest that you have an evening date (even without sleeping over).

All of his reasons are optional - of course his mother or his sisters or even just a regular old babysitter could watch his kids and put them to bed. Who takes care of his kids while he is at work? Of course someone could watch them overnight and you could go away.

But it seems that he is the one making the limiting decisions. Have you suggested other options and he disagreed? or are you both being passive about it?

I think I have to be a bit more forward with wanting to start the sex part of the relationship. I'm used to the guy taking the lead, but since I was the main person to initiate the waiting I guess the ball is in my court.
As for childcare, his kids are in day camp, daycare and one of his sisters is a SAHM so sometimes they are with her. I'm sure other people could put his children to bed, but as I understand it he wants to do that, that's their routine. I am not a parent so I feel like I can't judge that in him and I actually think it's rather sweet .

As a parent (though not one who has lost a spouse), I welcome when I don't need to put the children to bed. And I would be astonished if there has not been a time in the years since his wife's passing that he has not been there to do that ... are you 100% sure that he is widowed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - no one can know the future, but the present situation is a good indication of what the future will hold - why would things be any different? The only way to know is to try to shake up the routine that doesn't seem to be working for you. e.g., ask him to meet you at your house for lunch, talk to him about wanting to start the sex-part of your dating, suggest that you have an evening date (even without sleeping over).

All of his reasons are optional - of course his mother or his sisters or even just a regular old babysitter could watch his kids and put them to bed. Who takes care of his kids while he is at work? Of course someone could watch them overnight and you could go away.

But it seems that he is the one making the limiting decisions. Have you suggested other options and he disagreed? or are you both being passive about it?

I think I have to be a bit more forward with wanting to start the sex part of the relationship. I'm used to the guy taking the lead, but since I was the main person to initiate the waiting I guess the ball is in my court.
As for childcare, his kids are in day camp, daycare and one of his sisters is a SAHM so sometimes they are with her. I'm sure other people could put his children to bed, but as I understand it he wants to do that, that's their routine. I am not a parent so I feel like I can't judge that in him and I actually think it's rather sweet .

As a parent (though not one who has lost a spouse), I welcome when I don't need to put the children to bed. And I would be astonished if there has not been a time in the years since his wife's passing that he has not been there to do that ... are you 100% sure that he is widowed?

I'm sure. I've looked into it, and everything checks out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We haven't had sex yet because we both agreed to wait until 3 months and being exclusive. We are a little over 3 months now.

I know he will not hire a babysitter or sleepover at my place because he's only comfortable with family babysitting and he likes to be around for his children's bedtime.

As of now, we have seen each other about twice a week. I'm thinking like in the future it's basically having to choose between having sex quick or going out somewhere? No long lingering evening and overnights, Correct?

You know who could answer your questions? He could. Time to have a conversation

[Anonymous]

I knew a widowed dad with three young kids. He dated, even got serious, but never married again.

[Anonymous]

Good luck, OP. Your new BF sounds really sweet and a great dad. I hope it works out. I can’t get over how mean some people are being on this thread to you and the PP who married a widower.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to have a gentle conversation about it. It sounds like he's not ready, or doesn't want to, or is nervous or avoidant. People who want to have sex usually can make it happen regardless of constraints.

[Anonymous]

He might feel guilty not being there when the kids go to bed. Being their only living parent he probably has some unique perspectives on needing to be a solid, reliable, routine oriented provider. Some toddlers are really fussy about who puts them to sleep so maybe he knows his three year old would not make it pleasant. Maybe it’s just really important to him at this time. My mom became a widow with three kids (a little older than his) and she never missed games or activities for us. It was just something she wanted a parent to be present for. I would speak with him about it but it’s hard to judge the feelings of a widowed parent of young kids and it’s hard to say why certain routines are important to him. It might be part of his grieving process or a way to honor his late wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - no one can know the future, but the present situation is a good indication of what the future will hold - why would things be any different? The only way to know is to try to shake up the routine that doesn't seem to be working for you. e.g., ask him to meet you at your house for lunch, talk to him about wanting to start the sex-part of your dating, suggest that you have an evening date (even without sleeping over).

All of his reasons are optional - of course his mother or his sisters or even just a regular old babysitter could watch his kids and put them to bed. Who takes care of his kids while he is at work? Of course someone could watch them overnight and you could go away.

But it seems that he is the one making the limiting decisions. Have you suggested other options and he disagreed? or are you both being passive about it?

I think I have to be a bit more forward with wanting to start the sex part of the relationship. I'm used to the guy taking the lead, but since I was the main person to initiate the waiting I guess the ball is in my court.
As for childcare, his kids are in day camp, daycare and one of his sisters is a SAHM so sometimes they are with her. I'm sure other people could put his children to bed, but as I understand it he wants to do that, that's their routine. I am not a parent so I feel like I can't judge that in him and I actually think it's rather sweet .

As a parent (though not one who has lost a spouse), I welcome when I don't need to put the children to bed. And I would be astonished if there has not been a time in the years since his wife's passing that he has not been there to do that ... are you 100% sure that he is widowed?

I'm sure. I've looked into it, and everything checks out.

NP. I was also going to ask whether you are sure he is a widower. Something definitely doesn’t add up here.

[Anonymous]

He’s been a widower for 3 years and has a 3 year old plus two other children? I’m not sure he is ready to be serious with kids this young, the timing and his wants. Best of luck. You sound very nice.

[Anonymous]

There was someone on here a couple of years ago who got involved with a widower with three children. I think it worked out for her so there is hope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He’s been a widower for 3 years and has a 3 year old plus two other children? I’m not sure he is ready to be serious with kids this young, the timing and his wants. Best of luck. You sound very nice.

Have mercy. He had a new baby, 4 yo, and 6 yo while grieving. To answer your question OP, yes you'll need to accept quickies, spontaneity, and his routine above all else. That being said, take advantage of 8-11pm. Make a lovely dinner, dessert, wine and create a a very chill 3 hours. Let it happen organically because this guy needs you to be very flexible and secure. It's the relationship test of all tests. Stay the course if you care about him, and can see the forest for the trees. If not, be very honest that FWB is ok. In fact, this might be what he prefers right now. It may not be a deliberate test, but it's a test of your ability to be nurturing, not needy.

[Anonymous]

I'm sure he is a widowed. I looked into his background and it checks out. I honestly don't have a problem with him wanting to be there every night for his kids.
I just want to have sex with him, but am realizing that's going to take more planning and me being blunt. I will talk to him about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He’s been a widower for 3 years and has a 3 year old plus two other children? I’m not sure he is ready to be serious with kids this young, the timing and his wants. Best of luck. You sound very nice.

Have mercy. He had a new baby, 4 yo, and 6 yo while grieving. To answer your question OP, yes you'll need to accept quickies, spontaneity, and his routine above all else. That being said, take advantage of 8-11pm. Make a lovely dinner, dessert, wine and create a a very chill 3 hours. Let it happen organically because this guy needs you to be very flexible and secure. It's the relationship test of all tests. Stay the course if you care about him, and can see the forest for the trees. If not, be very honest that FWB is ok. In fact, this might be what he prefers right now. It may not be a deliberate test, but it's a test of your ability to be nurturing, not needy.

Believe me, I totally understand that his kids come first.
A dinner date actually sounds lovely. He's home by 8 for bedtime though, but we could do the same thing earlier. I'm not sure FWB would be okay with me. It isn't that we haven't done anything we've made out etc, just no sex yet. We've seen each other since the 3-month deadline and still no sex, maybe he needs more time. I don't want to seem needy, but I do need to know where his head is on this. Guess I'm going to have to come out of my comfort zone and just ask if sex is something he wants right now and if he does how we're going to work it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure he is a widowed. I looked into his background and it checks out. I honestly don't have a problem with him wanting to be there every night for his kids.
I just want to have sex with him, but am realizing that's going to take more planning and me being blunt. I will talk to him about it.

You just want to have sex with him and he is thinking about getting into a relationship as a father with three children. There might be a disconnect!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sure he is a widowed. I looked into his background and it checks out. I honestly don't have a problem with him wanting to be there every night for his kids.
I just want to have sex with him, but am realizing that's going to take more planning and me being blunt. I will talk to him about it.

You just want to have sex with him and he is thinking about getting into a relationship as a father with three children. There might be a disconnect!

I don't just want to have sex with him, but yes I do want to have sex with my boyfriend.