Dating single dad, should I just assume we won't be having sex much?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated ( and later married) a widowed father with young kids.
As you said sex is quick for the most part, that's just life with kids, much easier now that we are living together. It was really hard when dating.
I did push for and get an overnight though the first time we were together. I was a virgin and I stressed to him that I needed him to be there after to cuddle, and I wanted to wake up next to him the next morning. I didn't want it to be a hurried affair. He made that happen.
So I think you have to communicate your wants and needs, but also be really flexible about what happens when you are together.

You were a virgin dating a single dad with three young kids? Weird.

Not that PP but what's weird about it? They clearly liked each other and ended up married. You people have so many arbitrary and silly "rules."

DP. Oh come on - that's very weird. She was dating a man who had been a father for at least 5 years (unless they were triplets) but she was a virgin.

Was it arranged? Did the community expect her to keep her chastity intact?

Or maybe she liked this man and he liked her and she hadn't had sex yet but wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage. Again, the weirdos are you creeps.

What I find fascinating about this post and replies is that PP states that "she did push for and get an overnight" for their first time together as if that was a major feat instead of something that adults would normally do or a woman (or man) could reasonable ask for. It does strike me as some sort of power imbalance in the relationship. Was your DH looking for a virgin to marry?

Orignal commentator herere. I think some of you are reading something sinister into this when there isn't, Maybe you are assuming because I said I was a virgin at the time I was quite young, I wasn't. DH and I were both in our 30s at the time, and I am actually a couple of years older. I simply hadn't had sex yet because I was waiting for someone I felt 100% comfortable with which I did and still do with him. As for your interpretation of push I only meant that I had been pretty flexible with our time together because of the kids, but for that, I made the expectation clear that I wanted him for the whole evening, He didn't have an issue with it, and I probably didn't need to say anything because of how he is, but I did. But enough about me, time we get back to OP and her thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated ( and later married) a widowed father with young kids.
As you said sex is quick for the most part, that's just life with kids, much easier now that we are living together. It was really hard when dating.
I did push for and get an overnight though the first time we were together. I was a virgin and I stressed to him that I needed him to be there after to cuddle, and I wanted to wake up next to him the next morning. I didn't want it to be a hurried affair. He made that happen.
So I think you have to communicate your wants and needs, but also be really flexible about what happens when you are together.

You were a virgin dating a single dad with three young kids? Weird.

Not that PP but what's weird about it? They clearly liked each other and ended up married. You people have so many arbitrary and silly "rules."

You seems to have a hang-up with the term "virgin." Are you a virgin yourself or a closet one?
DP. Oh come on - that's very weird. She was dating a man who had been a father for at least 5 years (unless they were triplets) but she was a virgin.

Was it arranged? Did the community expect her to keep her chastity intact?

Or maybe she liked this man and he liked her and she hadn't had sex yet but wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage. Again, the weirdos are you creeps.

What I find fascinating about this post and replies is that PP states that "she did push for and get an overnight" for their first time together as if that was a major feat instead of something that adults would normally do or a woman (or man) could reasonable ask for. It does strike me as some sort of power imbalance in the relationship. Was your DH looking for a virgin to marry?

Orignal commentator herere. I think some of you are reading something sinister into this when there isn't, Maybe you are assuming because I said I was a virgin at the time I was quite young, I wasn't. DH and I were both in our 30s at the time, and I am actually a couple of years older. I simply hadn't had sex yet because I was waiting for someone I felt 100% comfortable with which I did and still do with him. As for your interpretation of push I only meant that I had been pretty flexible with our time together because of the kids, but for that, I made the expectation clear that I wanted him for the whole evening, He didn't have an issue with it, and I probably didn't need to say anything because of how he is, but I did. But enough about me, time we get back to OP and her thread.

A 30 something virgin going after a previously married single dad with 3 kids obviously has her own sexual hang ups, which doesn’t give you much leverage to be giving sex advice..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated ( and later married) a widowed father with young kids.
As you said sex is quick for the most part, that's just life with kids, much easier now that we are living together. It was really hard when dating.
I did push for and get an overnight though the first time we were together. I was a virgin and I stressed to him that I needed him to be there after to cuddle, and I wanted to wake up next to him the next morning. I didn't want it to be a hurried affair. He made that happen.
So I think you have to communicate your wants and needs, but also be really flexible about what happens when you are together.

You were a virgin dating a single dad with three young kids? Weird.

Not that PP but what's weird about it? They clearly liked each other and ended up married. You people have so many arbitrary and silly "rules."

DP. Oh come on - that's very weird. She was dating a man who had been a father for at least 5 years (unless they were triplets) but she was a virgin.

Was it arranged? Did the community expect her to keep her chastity intact?

Or maybe she liked this man and he liked her and she hadn't had sex yet but wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage. Again, the weirdos are you creeps.

What I find fascinating about this post and replies is that PP states that "she did push for and get an overnight" for their first time together as if that was a major feat instead of something that adults would normally do or a woman (or man) could reasonable ask for. It does strike me as some sort of power imbalance in the relationship. Was your DH looking for a virgin to marry?

Orignal commentator herere. I think some of you are reading something sinister into this when there isn't, Maybe you are assuming because I said I was a virgin at the time I was quite young, I wasn't. DH and I were both in our 30s at the time, and I am actually a couple of years older. I simply hadn't had sex yet because I was waiting for someone I felt 100% comfortable with which I did and still do with him. As for your interpretation of push I only meant that I had been pretty flexible with our time together because of the kids, but for that, I made the expectation clear that I wanted him for the whole evening, He didn't have an issue with it, and I probably didn't need to say anything because of how he is, but I did. But enough about me, time we get back to OP and her thread.

A 30 something virgin going after a previously married single dad with 3 kids obviously has her own sexual hang ups, which doesn’t give you much leverage to be giving sex advice..

PP you are an asshole! That poster has been nothing but kind and gave OP advice based on her experience which actually happens to be relevant to the question asked as she dated a widowed father, compared to you who is being a jerk and attacking the poster simply because she was a virgin. Go crawl back under your bridge!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Wow! Some of you are super judgmental. Why am I dating him? WTF?. I'm dating him for the reasons most people date someone, He's a nice guy, I'm attracted to him. I enjoy spending time with him. I see him in my future etc.

Why we waited 3 months. # mont and exclusivity are my requirements for sex. It works for me and he didn't have a problem with it. We have been physical with each other, just no sex yet, and what we have shared so far has been enjoyable.

I have already said that he does not want to do overnights because he wants to be around to put his kids to bed. I also assume wake up with them in the morning, and I guess to be there if they get up during the night. I can't fault him for wanting that. I also don't think he needs to tell his kids anything about us yet.
He's been widowed for 3 years, his children are 3,7 and 9.

Hi OP - only you know what’s ok with you or not and also what the vibe feels like between you. If you want a relationship with sex as a priority - you can have that maybe even with this guy if he wants that too. Right now, per your own rules, you could be having sex at lunch the 2-3x a week that you see him … why do you think that’s not happening?

We only just crossed over the 3-month mark. I didn't have it marked on my calendar as sex day, but I guess I did hope that once the time came it would happen. As for why it hasn't happened I can't say for sure. Maybe we are both waiting for the other to initiate. I can also say that grandma doesn't babysit every week, and we don't always have the whole hour for lunch. Depending on workflow sometimes it's just a 15 to 30 minute break sometimes, we try to do other things when we meet up, like the stuff you normally do on your break. I guess my thread is mostly about thinking ahead and what this will look like moving forward, I suppose next time together I will have to initiate, though I generally prefer when the guy does.

Are you sure you two are dating and exclusive? These sound like stolen moments.

Yes, OP. You seem very sincere and sweet. How old are you? Have you been in serious relationships before? What about the BF? How old, and how many other relationships did he have before his wife passed away? Do you have mutual friends who know that you are dating?

I'm positive we're dating and exclusive I have had relationships before including 1 serious one. I think he had one other relationship before his wife, they got together young. I am 33 and he's 38 , and yes our friends no we are dating. It's not always like that at times we have the whole lunch hour or several hours together when his mother or sisters babysit.

[Anonymous]

OP - no one can know the future, but the present situation is a good indication of what the future will hold - why would things be any different? The only way to know is to try to shake up the routine that doesn't seem to be working for you. e.g., ask him to meet you at your house for lunch, talk to him about wanting to start the sex-part of your dating, suggest that you have an evening date (even without sleeping over).

All of his reasons are optional - of course his mother or his sisters or even just a regular old babysitter could watch his kids and put them to bed. Who takes care of his kids while he is at work? Of course someone could watch them overnight and you could go away.

But it seems that he is the one making the limiting decisions. Have you suggested other options and he disagreed? or are you both being passive about it?

[Anonymous]

Is this the fellow who cried on a date when he spoke about his late wife?

It’s a unique situation and I think you’ll just have to see how it plays out, and if it’s sustainable for you. It seems that there’s a question about if and when sex is going to happen, which is understandable considering his parenting commitment and responsibilities, but I also think that when there is a sexual connection and drive to be together then you make it work. I don’t know if it’s significant that you haven’t had it yet, and that you should give it some weight when considering your relationship — or not.

It’s really hard to build a relationship with fragments of time here and there. How do you communicate between dates, and how often? What are the signs that he’s invests in your relationship? Do you consider him your boyfriend?

Look, it’s still really early days. I’d give it time, and just try to enjoy yourself. But if he’s not showing any inclination of creating an opportunity to have sex, then you might have to initiate.

[Anonymous]

OP - he may also need a clear sign and statement from you that you are ready to do it, especially since it seems that you were the one to say that you want to wait. Have you told him that you are ready? Or do expect that he has been keeping track of the calender?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the fellow who cried on a date when he spoke about his late wife?

It’s a unique situation and I think you’ll just have to see how it plays out, and if it’s sustainable for you. It seems that there’s a question about if and when sex is going to happen, which is understandable considering his parenting commitment and responsibilities, but I also think that when there is a sexual connection and drive to be together then you make it work. I don’t know if it’s significant that you haven’t had it yet, and that you should give it some weight when considering your relationship — or not.

It’s really hard to build a relationship with fragments of time here and there. How do you communicate between dates, and how often? What are the signs that he’s invests in your relationship? Do you consider him your boyfriend?

Look, it’s still really early days. I’d give it time, and just try to enjoy yourself. But if he’s not showing any inclination of creating an opportunity to have sex, then you might have to initiate.

What thread was about the crying on the date?

[Anonymous]

Has he mentioned if his wife’s family is supportive of his dating? Are you the first woman he has dated since his wife died? Not that either of these matter in the long term if you are right for each other but it will be one less hurdle for you if her parents understand his situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated ( and later married) a widowed father with young kids.
As you said sex is quick for the most part, that's just life with kids, much easier now that we are living together. It was really hard when dating.
I did push for and get an overnight though the first time we were together. I was a virgin and I stressed to him that I needed him to be there after to cuddle, and I wanted to wake up next to him the next morning. I didn't want it to be a hurried affair. He made that happen.
So I think you have to communicate your wants and needs, but also be really flexible about what happens when you are together.

You were a virgin dating a single dad with three young kids? Weird.

Not that PP but what's weird about it? They clearly liked each other and ended up married. You people have so many arbitrary and silly "rules."

DP. Oh come on - that's very weird. She was dating a man who had been a father for at least 5 years (unless they were triplets) but she was a virgin.

Was it arranged? Did the community expect her to keep her chastity intact?

Or maybe she liked this man and he liked her and she hadn't had sex yet but wasn't necessarily waiting for marriage. Again, the weirdos are you creeps.

What I find fascinating about this post and replies is that PP states that "she did push for and get an overnight" for their first time together as if that was a major feat instead of something that adults would normally do or a woman (or man) could reasonable ask for. It does strike me as some sort of power imbalance in the relationship. Was your DH looking for a virgin to marry?

Orignal commentator herere. I think some of you are reading something sinister into this when there isn't, Maybe you are assuming because I said I was a virgin at the time I was quite young, I wasn't. DH and I were both in our 30s at the time, and I am actually a couple of years older. I simply hadn't had sex yet because I was waiting for someone I felt 100% comfortable with which I did and still do with him. As for your interpretation of push I only meant that I had been pretty flexible with our time together because of the kids, but for that, I made the expectation clear that I wanted him for the whole evening, He didn't have an issue with it, and I probably didn't need to say anything because of how he is, but I did. But enough about me, time we get back to OP and her thread.

A 30 something virgin going after a previously married single dad with 3 kids obviously has her own sexual hang ups, which doesn’t give you much leverage to be giving sex advice..

PP you are an asshole! That poster has been nothing but kind and gave OP advice based on her experience which actually happens to be relevant to the question asked as she dated a widowed father, compared to you who is being a jerk and attacking the poster simply because she was a virgin. Go crawl back under your bridge!

In our new and more tolerant society slut shaming would get you banned instantly, but attacking someone for being a virgin is edgy and cool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the fellow who cried on a date when he spoke about his late wife?

It’s a unique situation and I think you’ll just have to see how it plays out, and if it’s sustainable for you. It seems that there’s a question about if and when sex is going to happen, which is understandable considering his parenting commitment and responsibilities, but I also think that when there is a sexual connection and drive to be together then you make it work. I don’t know if it’s significant that you haven’t had it yet, and that you should give it some weight when considering your relationship — or not.

It’s really hard to build a relationship with fragments of time here and there. How do you communicate between dates, and how often? What are the signs that he’s invests in your relationship? Do you consider him your boyfriend?

Look, it’s still really early days. I’d give it time, and just try to enjoy yourself. But if he’s not showing any inclination of creating an opportunity to have sex, then you might have to initiate.

No that wasn't me. He hasn't cried in front of me at all yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Has he mentioned if his wife’s family is supportive of his dating? Are you the first woman he has dated since his wife died? Not that either of these matter in the long term if you are right for each other but it will be one less hurdle for you if her parents understand his situation.

He hasn't really talked to me that much about his wife or his family other than the basics of how long they were together when/how she died and only mentioned her family in passing related to visiting them with the kids. As far as I know, I'm the first women he has dated since his wife passed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this the fellow who cried on a date when he spoke about his late wife?

It’s a unique situation and I think you’ll just have to see how it plays out, and if it’s sustainable for you. It seems that there’s a question about if and when sex is going to happen, which is understandable considering his parenting commitment and responsibilities, but I also think that when there is a sexual connection and drive to be together then you make it work. I don’t know if it’s significant that you haven’t had it yet, and that you should give it some weight when considering your relationship — or not.

It’s really hard to build a relationship with fragments of time here and there. How do you communicate between dates, and how often? What are the signs that he’s invested in your relationship? Do you consider him your boyfriend?

Look, it’s still really early days. I’d give it time, and just try to enjoy yourself. But if he’s not showing any inclination of creating an opportunity to have sex, then you might have to initiate.

No, that was a different poster. HE has not cried in front of me, and we haven't talked that much about his wife. As for communication, we text frequently throughout the day, . The days we don't meet up for lunch we talk on the phone and nearly evenings he will call me after his kids are in bed and we'll talk a 1-2 hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - no one can know the future, but the present situation is a good indication of what the future will hold - why would things be any different? The only way to know is to try to shake up the routine that doesn't seem to be working for you. e.g., ask him to meet you at your house for lunch, talk to him about wanting to start the sex-part of your dating, suggest that you have an evening date (even without sleeping over).

All of his reasons are optional - of course his mother or his sisters or even just a regular old babysitter could watch his kids and put them to bed. Who takes care of his kids while he is at work? Of course someone could watch them overnight and you could go away.

But it seems that he is the one making the limiting decisions. Have you suggested other options and he disagreed? or are you both being passive about it?

I think I have to be a bit more forward with wanting to start the sex part of the relationship. I'm used to the guy taking the lead, but since I was the main person to initiate the waiting I guess the ball is in my court.
As for childcare, his kids are in day camp, daycare and one of his sisters is a SAHM so sometimes they are with her. I'm sure other people could put his children to bed, but as I understand it he wants to do that, that's their routine. I am not a parent so I feel like I can't judge that in him and I actually think it's rather sweet .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this the fellow who cried on a date when he spoke about his late wife?

It’s a unique situation and I think you’ll just have to see how it plays out, and if it’s sustainable for you. It seems that there’s a question about if and when sex is going to happen, which is understandable considering his parenting commitment and responsibilities, but I also think that when there is a sexual connection and drive to be together then you make it work. I don’t know if it’s significant that you haven’t had it yet, and that you should give it some weight when considering your relationship — or not.

It’s really hard to build a relationship with fragments of time here and there. How do you communicate between dates, and how often? What are the signs that he’s invested in your relationship? Do you consider him your boyfriend?

Look, it’s still really early days. I’d give it time, and just try to enjoy yourself. But if he’s not showing any inclination of creating an opportunity to have sex, then you might have to initiate.

No, that was a different poster. HE has not cried in front of me, and we haven't talked that much about his wife. As for communication, we text frequently throughout the day, . The days we don't meet up for lunch we talk on the phone and nearly evenings he will call me after his kids are in bed and we'll talk a 1-2 hours.

I would say since things can't happen the way they might if you two were single and childless (date, back to one of your places, thing accelerate from there) you will have to talk to him and make a plan.