Would You Date Someone Who Used To Be Overweight?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re 30 and I imagine you want kids?

The fact that you used to be overweight in your 20’s pretty much means you’re likely to gain the weight back after kids. I don’t want to be mean but that’s reality. Basically this means you’re going to be a healthy weight for 5 years (estimate to go from dating to marriage and first or second child) then it’s almost certain that you’ll be overweight for the remainder of your relationship. That’s a hard bargain.

Wow. How's that prenup working for you? Keeping everything on track I hope.

[Anonymous]

OP here. It was major depression. I had an aunt who was brutally murdered when I was a teen and that really scarred me. It is still unsolved and I had a lot of issues surrounding it. That and my home life and upbringing. It was filled with violence, drugs, and sexual abuse. I was left to feel unwanted as a kid and that really put me with low self-esteem and a feeling of very little self worth. It was very difficult and hard and I really turned to food as my addiction. It’s not the best choice but I think it’s better than drugs ( never done) or drinking ( rarely drink). I grew up in a household where nutrition wasn’t important ( my parents and siblings are skinny) and I didn’t know anything about it. I went through therapy and I’m much better. I found the right doctors and treated my PCOS and weight started falling off. I don’t think I will ever go back to my old ways because I never want to feel like that again. I’ve been able to maintain my weight for two years.

For the fatphobic comments. I’m not fat phobic, but I also don’t agree with the “ health at every size” thing going on today. It’s important to love yourself, but obesity is not healthy, and we need to stop acting like it is. Being obese is a health problem and we shouldn’t be normalizing it. I don’t agree with fat shaming or hurting anyone, but we need to stop with the obesity is fine that is going on today. I want a fit partner because I want someone who is also into healthy eating and fitness. It’s important I have a partner who shares those same values.

I’m not sure I want kids. If I have them, good, but I’m fine not having kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It was major depression. I had an aunt who was brutally murdered when I was a teen and that really scarred me. It is still unsolved and I had a lot of issues surrounding it. That and my home life and upbringing. It was filled with violence, drugs, and sexual abuse. I was left to feel unwanted as a kid and that really put me with low self-esteem and a feeling of very little self worth. It was very difficult and hard and I really turned to food as my addiction. It’s not the best choice but I think it’s better than drugs ( never done) or drinking ( rarely drink). I grew up in a household where nutrition wasn’t important ( my parents and siblings are skinny) and I didn’t know anything about it. I went through therapy and I’m much better. I found the right doctors and treated my PCOS and weight started falling off. I don’t think I will ever go back to my old ways because I never want to feel like that again. I’ve been able to maintain my weight for two years.

For the fatphobic comments. I’m not fat phobic, but I also don’t agree with the “ health at every size” thing going on today. It’s important to love yourself, but obesity is not healthy, and we need to stop acting like it is. Being obese is a health problem and we shouldn’t be normalizing it. I don’t agree with fat shaming or hurting anyone, but we need to stop with the obesity is fine that is going on today. I want a fit partner because I want someone who is also into healthy eating and fitness. It’s important I have a partner who shares those same values.

I’m not sure I want kids. If I have them, good, but I’m fine not having kids.

I think what would concern people would be the tendency to turn to food in crisis. What if you have a child with a serious illness or something terrible
happen in your married life? Something that could throw you into depression, would you turn to food? As a partner, that would be my concern. In your 30s no kids life if easy. But life goes on and take turns

[Anonymous]

OP, some men are fat phobic. You need to find the right guy for you, who may be fine with healthy living but also not scared of people who may be overweight.

I know, I am a larger woman who is 5'10"' even though I was super thin in my teens and 20s, guys would want me to be even thinner, almost disordered, if they continued to date me--in retrospect they were afraid of my frame, which was a big as theirs was. Pictures of me showed I was so thin my ribs were showing. Married a guy who is a little shorter, but whose mother was my size.

Date guys who appreciate you have to live healthy to stay healthy, and are interested in it themselves, no matter what their weight is.

[Anonymous]

I can understand it as a bit of a red flag in some ways, sure, and I say this as someone who gained 80lbs after rape and abuse, got therapy and lost the weight. It’s the same sort of way it’s a bit of a red flag that someone has been in AA and sober for 20 yrs — that’s awesome and proactive and amazing, but yeah, it would not be unexpected for that person to suffer a relapse during a future life trauma. My own eating disorder and rape/trauma therapists have said as much to me — that it’s great I am healed and healthy, but they can and do see binge-eating (in my case) reappear during major life events. They also see the maladaptive coping tendencies shift — as in, maybe during an enormous life event a decade from now, I won’t start binging, but I will start drinking.
Anyway OP, I think the takeaway is to just not bring it up in early dating, and to not frame your current commitment to health and fitness as something you do in response to “before.” We all have our baggage and our secret motivations, better shared with a trusted and established partner than with a semi-stranger. Best of luck!

[Anonymous]

Why does it come up?

[nfaarv]

Adding another wrinkle, it is not always that weight gain is the turn-off, it is the reaction to the weight gain, especially for women.

My wife is about 60 lbs heavier than when I met her. I don’t have a problem with that, and i still desire her sexually. What bothers me is that she has transformed from someone who enjoyed being nude to someone that runs to the bathroom to change because she doesn’t want to be seen. It clearly affects our romantic life and therefore our overall relationship.

If I were to ever be single again, I’d be looking for someone who is body-positive even if they are overweight. Wearing a bikini even with a tummy? Good sign. Wearing a shorter skirt with chubby thighs? Excellent.

So, OP, it isn’t just about the fear of you gaining weight back, but also the reaction to any inevitable weight gain. I’m not sure how you convey it early in a relationship, but I wanted to help you out with another perspective.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I actually and I was never overweight or obese. Weed out the jerks. Or just delete all of your old photos like other people I know did...

It will be harder for you to keep the weight off. SO is an accomplished triathlete now and we highly prioritize a healthy and active lifestyle. You'll need that along with someone who shares the lifestyle goals.

If they are jerks about weight now then they will be unkind as you age.

[Anonymous]

To live in a country where overweight is an issue due to the abundance of food availability. First world problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To live in a country where overweight is an issue due to the abundance of food availability. First world problems.

Yes and no. Certainly we are fortunate to live in the US, where food scarcity isn’t comparatively a problem. That said, the food that many of us do eat is extremely unhealthy. Cheap food, filled with sugar has dramatically impacted people’s health. And it is a tough addiction to break.

[Anonymous]

I mean, I’m fat. And I never had issues finding high quality men who were attracted to me. It’s WAY more of an issue to me than it’s seemed to be for men. I’m always dieting. But I will always be overweight, and have accepted it. I just try to stay in as healthy a range as I can and stay active.

I can definitely see why after losing a lot of weight, you want to be with someone who will support that. Once you gain weight, your body sees that as your set point, and it’s harder to maintain the weight than if you hadn’t gained at all.

But there will definitely be guys out there who are into fitness and healthy eating who aren’t fatphobic and just want to try and live a healthy lifestyle. I know some!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. It was major depression. I had an aunt who was brutally murdered when I was a teen and that really scarred me. It is still unsolved and I had a lot of issues surrounding it. That and my home life and upbringing. It was filled with violence, drugs, and sexual abuse. I was left to feel unwanted as a kid and that really put me with low self-esteem and a feeling of very little self worth. It was very difficult and hard and I really turned to food as my addiction. It’s not the best choice but I think it’s better than drugs ( never done) or drinking ( rarely drink). I grew up in a household where nutrition wasn’t important ( my parents and siblings are skinny) and I didn’t know anything about it. I went through therapy and I’m much better. I found the right doctors and treated my PCOS and weight started falling off. I don’t think I will ever go back to my old ways because I never want to feel like that again. I’ve been able to maintain my weight for two years.

For the fatphobic comments. I’m not fat phobic, but I also don’t agree with the “ health at every size” thing going on today. It’s important to love yourself, but obesity is not healthy, and we need to stop acting like it is. Being obese is a health problem and we shouldn’t be normalizing it. I don’t agree with fat shaming or hurting anyone, but we need to stop with the obesity is fine that is going on today. I want a fit partner because I want someone who is also into healthy eating and fitness. It’s important I have a partner who shares those same values.

I’m not sure I want kids. If I have them, good, but I’m fine not having kids.

I think what would concern people would be the tendency to turn to food in crisis. What if you have a child with a serious illness or something terrible
happen in your married life? Something that could throw you into depression, would you turn to food? As a partner, that would be my concern. In your 30s no kids life if easy. But life goes on and take turns

Yeah nothing would be worse than a situation where someone had an ill child *and they ate too much* the horror!

I need to remember this thread the next time the men of DCUM get in their feelings about women preferring men with good jobs— we should start one about dating men who *ever* made below six figures...

[Anonymous]

Former chubby-chub-fattykins have the best personalities, so yes, OP. Also stop judging people’s past negatively — it shows a lot of dedication and consistency to make big lifestyle changes which are positive traits. Good on former fatties I respect the hell out of them.

[Anonymous]

The question should be would someone date a khloe kardashian? khloe used to be obese and shrank down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To live in a country where overweight is an issue due to the abundance of food availability. First world problems.

Yes and no. Certainly we are fortunate to live in the US, where food scarcity isn’t comparatively a problem. That said, the food that many of us do eat is extremely unhealthy. Cheap food, filled with sugar has dramatically impacted people’s health. And it is a tough addiction to break.

Cheap easy to get food is the drug making americans die off in the quickest way possible