Would You Date Someone Who Used To Be Overweight?
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Anonymous
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No, sorry OP. It isn’t just about if you will re-gain the weight.
To me, someone that went from normal weight as adult to over 100 lbs overweight, then back again, has some mental long standing mental health issues going on. I would put this in the same category as someone with addiction in the past. And those are rarely gone forever and often start up again. |
Anonymous
This is my issue. 100 lbs overweight is a LOT. To me it indicates both a genetic capacity that is not great and also a serious mental health issue. Even the healthy lifestyle now sounds like it might be an extension of that, even if it is manifesting itself in a more societally approved way. I don't personally have those issues so while they would necessarily be a 100% dealbreaker, they're major red flags. |
Anonymous
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I would normally also wonder about the 100lb thing but OP mentioned she had PCOS. That Is a hormonal condition is most often accompanied by rapid uncontrolled weight gain and it being very very hard to shed weight - you have to go pretty much carb free or close to it (I have PCOS but got lucky and have the unusual version that doesn’t create insulin issues and weight gain; that is a small proportion of people with PCOS only.)
So, if the situation is someone’s PCOS hits, they put on an insane amount of weight quickly, get diagnosed and figure it out, go on a diet and medications meant to control it and lose that weight, that is quite different from someone gaining 100 under normal conditions because that would require both a length of time and amount of overeating not at issue with PCOS. This said, OP should find someone for whole being overweight (even if not 100lb) is not an end all and be all because everyone goes through ups and downs. Hopefully you won’t put all that weight back on, for health reasons if nothing else, but you don’t want someone who bails over 10 extra pounds. My DH is overweight now but as long as he’s otherwise healthy, I don’t really care because I love him for him and not the hot 20something body he had 20 years ago. |
Anonymous
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Damn, these threads always suck me in. I have a rant. Buckle in, folks.
I was thin until my med twenties, through PCOS and depression gained some weight, then gained pregnancy weight, then gained weight after birth! I signed up for a gym with a trainer and stuck to an eating plan. While I was going to the gym and eating healthy, my ex didn't think it was enough and criticized every bite of food I took or every food choice I made. For a solid month, I was starving myself and exercising hard core with a trainer, and I lost zero weight. ZERO. Eventually we find out I had hypothyroidism, too. It didn't matter to my ex, these were all "excuses" and I "lost my looks," so he decided he wanted a divorce. He told me no one would love me or want me as I was. It both enraged and broke me. So, I'm responding from some place of trauma to this, sure. Never mind that I was regularly hit on and asked out, his words stung more, and I started believing them. Luckily, I lost all the weight after the divorce, without even trying, which was weird, because when I tried, I couldn't. People said take it as a sign your marriage was unhealthy and move on. I was happy to finally feel like myself again, which was most likely the lack of a jerk partner and not the weight-loss itself, so I enjoyed this for a few years. BUT.... I still battled depression and it became bad enough that I needed to get on meds, and the meds made me gain weight. Not only that, but my body morphed and my face was weird and bloated and changed shape. I'd be the same weight but look like a completely different person, I cannot even explain it. I don't care if people say meds don't do that, I'm a firm believer that my meds did that to me. Not only that, but my depression didn't really get any better, I was just emotionally neutral, and any motivation I had to exercise or even walk was gone. Well, several years later, thought my eating itself hasn't changed, I went from regular exercise and walks to nothing, so I'm overweight/obese again. And I can see how differently people treat me now. So, threads like this shouldn't anger me, but they do. After reading posts like the ones above, I feel down. I start wondering what is wrong with me, and will I ever fix it, and if I do fix it, will I find a good person to be with that wouldn't care about my weight one way or another. The lack of empathy, the judgement, isn't not new to me as a recipient, but I just don't get it. It's not my first thought when I meet anyone. Even when I was super skinny, I never met a fat person and thought to myself, why would I mix my genes with yours? Some I found attractive, some I didn't. Some I had sympathy for, because you could tell they didn't feel good in their skin. Some I envied because they were unabashedly themselves. I know some fat people who are GORGEOUS, they're attractive, they own it, they look good. I'm not one of them, so I know I need to lose the weight. But, when I see comments like the ones in this thread, the rebellious part of me wants to stick a middle finger in everyone's face and rebel against this ridiculous societal norm that ties beauty and worth to weight. I want to scream: Eff YOUR beauty standards. Eff your fake health standards, I know you do coke, Barbra. That is unhealthy, too. So is sleeping with Jim without protection, Karen, especially when you know he's engaged. Like if you're all gonna treat me like $hit or deem as as mentally damaged and broken because I carried my trauma and my health differently than you have, I don't really know if I want to be part of this "society." People who don't see that weight is such a nuanced and complex issue drive me crazy. If it was a simple CICO or any other fix, wouldn't all the fat people who fkn try every single day 10x harder than you have lost it already? And if it is a sign of mental health, we now shame and hate people for being human? But you shooting up 15 shots last night then taking Adderall that wasn't even prescribed for you is totes cool, Jessie. I hope OP finds someone good for her, empathetic, kind, who gets that life is $hit sometimes and we all do the best we can with the tools we have at the time. And I kinda want to say that I hope all the jerk posters meet people like them in life, but I have a hunch they already do, which is why they are how they are. |
Anonymous
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My husband was very overweight before we met. He lost alot of weight, and has mostly kept it off - he's just added a few extra pounds cause I bake alot.
I love him, all of him, and his weight is a non-issue. |
Anonymous
| Have then sign a marriage contract celebs do it all the time |
Anonymous
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Man, these threads are always such a sad insight into the quiet judgment of others.
I was overweight/obese until about 30. Did the mental work, lost 1/3 of my body weight, and have maintained it for 6+ years now. I'm permanently changed physically and also mentally. I love fitness and exercise for the total body (ie, mind) benefits, but sadly I have the loose/deflated parts that come along with significant weightloss. But it's a bummer that some people still have so much judgment for the formerly obese, even long after we "lost the weight." |
Anonymous
| Natural skinny is a genetic trait that is desirable for breading offspring. |
Anonymous
So is intelligence. Sorry you missed out on that trait. Breading one's offspring sounds messy and fairly pointless. |
Anonymous
The fatties always get big mad when a topic like this asking for honest feedback comes up. |
Anonymous
Breading one’s offspring sounds like the makings of a tasty snack! |
Anonymous
I mean, lots of people will factor in intelligence in deciding who to date or marry. Very few people would consider that shallow or mean— it makes sense to want to be with someone who is on your level intellectually. Not just for “breeding” reasons. And I don’t know why suddenly that’s not allowed when it comes to health or weight. We’re not talking about denying someone housing or a job because of their history with weight. We’re saying some people might not want to share a life with you. It is what it is. It’s a very personal choice and everyone has their personal prejudices. OP herself said she only dates guys who are fit and healthy because that’s something she values. Is she being unfair? I don’t think so. |
Anonymous
I sadly think OP might have internalized lots of fatphobia and that is her response to it, but that's another story for another day. I think people are mixing attraction, especially initial attraction with what is a good foundation for a relationship. Being attracted to certain people or having preferences is generally a result of many things for us, but it's definitely not a predictor of the success of a relationship. If it came down to beauty and intelligence, half of Hollywood would still be married and no academics will have divorced. DCUM is full of "fit, rich, educated" men and women, and just read the relationship forum! You'll swear off love forever. Read this article, I found it very illuminating. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/06/happily-ever-after/372573/ "Except, of course, it doesn’t work out that way for most people. The majority of marriages fail, either ending in divorce and separation or devolving into bitterness and dysfunction. Of all the people who get married, only three in 10 marriages remain healthy and happy, as the psychologist Ty Tashiro points out in his book The Science of Happily Ever After, which was published earlier this year." "From the data they gathered, Gottman separated the couples into two major groups: the masters and the disasters. The masters were still happily together after six years. The disasters had either broken up or were chronically unhappy in their marriages. When the researchers analyzed the data they gathered on the couples, they saw clear differences between the masters and disasters. The disasters looked calm during the interviews, but their physiology, measured by the electrodes, told a different story. Their heart rates were quick, their sweat glands were active, and their blood flow was fast. Following thousands of couples longitudinally, Gottman found that the more physiologically active the couples were in the lab, the quicker their relationships deteriorated over time." "By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity or contempt, criticism, and hostility?" Read this, it's actually good. And notice how he defined what you bring into the relationship as your spirit/soul, not looks, not weight, not breeding capacity. |
Anonymous
| LMAO that someone is a "shallow jerk" for taking OP's history into account. |
Anonymous
I don't like my offspring breaded. Too many calories. OP: I'm sorry people are being so...DCUM-ish here. I hope you can find someone who is kind, empathetic, and not weird like these folks. If you keep running into this, perhaps there's no need to disclose that you used to be heavy, so early on? Or can you ask a friend if you're disclosing it in a way that would make people react the way they are? I guess I am having a hard time picturing so many people all deciding that you being overweight earlier in your life, for medical reasons, as a dealbreaker like this. Good luck, in any case - they're all the wrong one until it's the right one. |