Why do SILs hate the women their brothers marry?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I loved my sister-in-law, included her in everything, but she rejected my entire family, then started pulling away from my brother, and recently asked him for a divorce. She's a psychiatrist. We thought he married the one normal psychiatrist in the universe, we all should have known better. All psychiatrists are nuts.

I’m sure thinking she was the lone non-crazy psychiatrist went down well and made her feel at home!

[Anonymous]

The woman clearly went through her husband's parents house, identified anything of value and then appropriated it. To her, her husband's family is a bank, a furniture store and a childcare center. She is a mercenary.

[Anonymous]

Usually they want someone different than their sister.

A different personality is a refreshing change. It doesn't remind them of the same sibling-rivalry issues, whatever they had growing up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The woman clearly went through her husband's parents house, identified anything of value and then appropriated it. To her, her husband's family is a bank, a furniture store and a childcare center. She is a mercenary.

If she’s so evil and out of line her husband should have stopped her.

Or maybe, actually, both grandparents and son were happy to use their resources for the grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

My one SIL is fine, no complaints. The other one is weird and semi-estranged from everyone so we have minimal contact. My husband’s whole side of the family has a lot of sad sack problems though. We’re the only ones with kids, MIL’s parents and sisters died (relatively) young, FIL is estranged from his brother who is much, much younger than him and sort of an incel, so my husband has no cousins and my IL’s have no nieces and nephews. So there’s a ton of pressure to spend every holiday and event with them because they have basically no other family. My husband not being there at every possible holiday was a huge adjustment for them, as we did want to occasionally see my parents and siblings at the holidays too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It's much tougher to look critically at the unfavorable dynamics in your family of origin than to just create a narrative that your SIL put a wedge in between you and your brother.

Well put. I don't claim to have been all that welcoming to my brother's wife when he married her. A couple decades later I can admit that yes, there were some unfavorable family dynamics that got stirred up around the time of their wedding, that I didn't know how to confront. That's not her fault. But she and I still have completely different value systems and have never progressed past small talk.

[Anonymous]

My brother is a passive idiot who married a psychopath when he was 19 and never had the gumption to leave. My parents have owned most of the homes they’ve lived in over the years, because of course she got pregnant right away and they couldn’t let the grandkids live in squalor. She can’t even drive and their kids are all weirdos because they never leave the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 SILs are truly 2 of the best women I know, 3rd is lovely. All 3 are perfect for my brothers.

you are the best sister in law ever. bless your heart. may your life be filled with happiness because you deserve it.

[Anonymous]

Both of my brothers married women who are too good for them. One is divorced and one is separated, and the divorced one's girlfriend is a Piece of Work. She refers to herself as "[Ex-wife] 2.0" and while I've never voiced what a freaking downgrade she is, I think it every time she says this.

I miss my actual SILs. They are great. I wish my brothers had done a better job of holding into them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a mean toxic SIL who has always been icy and rude to me to the point where she makes mean comments to my face and bullies me.

I don’t understand what I did to her. Then I searched DCUM and realize this is a common trope. Why are SILs so unpleasant?

You are also the SIL, fyi. I don't hate my brother's wife but I dont know her. She never even tried to become part of the family. And we are not the family that demands anything.

It is what it is

What does this mean? I can honestly say I've never tried to be part of my husband's family. I just am.

[Anonymous]

My DH’s sister and I get along great. She even married one of my friends she met at our wedding. We’ve known each other for 25+ years now so if things were going to go sour they would have.

I would be so grateful if my own brother ever got married. He’s a mess (just totally scattered, like mad scientist, he’s a nice person just all over the place). I dream about him finding someone and settling down.

[Anonymous]

My SIL is the lead female in the family and so there’s no room for me. She has not, will not and never will see me as family. She’s always looking for ways to find fault in me and hold it against me like a running lifeline tally. She also refuses to get to know me and has never asked me anything personal in 20+ years. She’s barely engages with our kids. She is lovely to everyone else though so sad she can’t muster up that fakeness with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My SIL is the lead female in the family and so there’s no room for me. She has not, will not and never will see me as family. She’s always looking for ways to find fault in me and hold it against me like a running lifeline tally. She also refuses to get to know me and has never asked me anything personal in 20+ years. She’s barely engages with our kids. She is lovely to everyone else though so sad she can’t muster up that fakeness with me.

I have the same situation. You’re not alone. Both of my husband’s sisters are miserable to be around. This past year, after 20 years of suffering, I finally drew boundaries on what type of events I could tolerate with them. I decided I could attend larger events with many other people so the tension was diluted, but I could no longer attend the intimate family get togethers that my ILs wanted. I hated having to be the bad guy and draw the lines that made my ILs sad, but I cannot allow myself to be mistreated, continually uncomfortable, and for my kids to witness this dynamic and think it is normal.

[Anonymous]

A common scenario I see is that a brother and sister are close, and that (healthy) closeness threatens his new partner if she has a personality disorder. She wants to limit his close relationships with other women, even his sister and mother. That way it’s much easier to control and gaslight him.

So many times SILs hate the women their brothers marry because their brothers marry toxic women.

Of course, this does not apply if the guy’s sister is the toxic/controlling one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People with normal SILs don’t write about it. Well, except I will here: my SILs are awesome to me. They really do love me like I’m their actual sister.

People who are mean to their sibling’s wives are probably also mean to other people. I doubt they save it for their SILs.

+1

Agree. My SIL is difficult, but is learning social skills as she ages, and as she learns she has to make her own friends. For years, she considered her own sisters friends to be her friends, until her sisters became tired of SIL glomming on. Finally, SIL joined a church and met some people that are sort of like her. The socialization is good for her, she has always had a hard time making friends. She tends to use me as a talking point, because she does not have many interests of her own.

I think it took SIL a many years to consciously decide not to be a mean girl, in her adulthood, but she is still working on it. She will never be inclusive and free of her mean girl tendencies, because it will always be all about her, and her perceived threat by those who are different (ie: her own narcissism and enabling by her family). I don't have a problem with SIL, but when she comes at me, I don't put up with it, and she doesn't like that. She is very much accustomed to people taking her guff. Communication, in general, is not her (or her family's) strong point, and she has some growing to do, but at least there have been some small steps toward her maturation.

I do think that SIL and her family could be more mature, communicative and inclusive, in general - but I won't hold my breath for any big changes in the family, as they only get worse with age. There is a lot of anger and self hate from well before me. So, this is a specific case, but I suppose many points could be universal.