How to talk to your child after they did horribly in a swim meet

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not totally sure what happened with DC, 7, tonight but he went from performing among top 3 swimmers in team to the bottom three.

Seemed very distracted. Thus far we've said nothing other then how did you feel about the meet, did you have fun etc. Should we say anything else?

Not clear if they are aware of poor performance and not sure if we should just ignore it altogether or ask if something was bothering them.

OP, I assume you mean that he performed very well at time trials and less so last night at the B meet. It's important to focus first on fun and second their own improvement. My DS beat a good friend on Saturday by 3 seconds in one event, and last night lost to the same friend by over a second. They are pretty evenly matched but on any given day one of them may perform really well and one may struggle. Kids this age are learning and growing and will have good days and bad days. There may also have been kids who weren't at time trials and showed up last night, so he got pushed further down the list.

If he's having fun and improving, that's all that matters at this age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll? Let's unpack this. They were a "top performer " last year at age 6? In the 8&U? Extremely unlikely.

Anyway, size greatly determines speed at that age. So other kids probably grew more.

Different poster but last year our 6-year old was top 3 at intra squad meets in 8&U in a couple of strokes and we go to a pool with a huge swim team, so not at all unbelievable.

But to answer OP, it really doesn’t matter so long as they had fun. You don’t mention it again. Maybe they will go faster at the next B meet, maybe they won’t.

Lol, can’t miss an opportunity to brag anonymously!

You enjoy those B meets.

😜

Oh my, darling, you really need some help. Please take a parenting class, for the sake of your children. Parents like you do untold damage to their poor children. Besides the fact that you’re viewed as a complete a-hole by other parents. But as long as your 6 year old is a top swimmer, amiright?

-parent of top-ranked club swimmers who has seen this nonsense and its repercussions way too often

Calm down. It was a joke. Hence the smiley face.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread - were there some circumstances that made the first meet different from the second? Like a different team with better swimmers?

If not, I actually think it's right for her to be a little worried. I don't think it's about achievement. I think when a kid was behaving or performing one way but then suddently changes, it's something to look into. Not because they need to a be a top swimmer, but maybe because something really is wrong with them.

I was on the swim team when I was in junior high. I went from being really dedicated to being distracted and not performing well. This happened right at the time we found out my mom was having an affair and my parents separated.

I actually had a few other instances like this when I was a child and I kind of resent it to this day that my parents "stayed out my business." I wish they would've asked me more questions about what was going on with me.

Maybe something legitimate happened to OP's child - problem at school? problem with friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread - were there some circumstances that made the first meet different from the second? Like a different team with better swimmers?

If not, I actually think it's right for her to be a little worried. I don't think it's about achievement. I think when a kid was behaving or performing one way but then suddently changes, it's something to look into. Not because they need to a be a top swimmer, but maybe because something really is wrong with them.

I was on the swim team when I was in junior high. I went from being really dedicated to being distracted and not performing well. This happened right at the time we found out my mom was having an affair and my parents separated.

I actually had a few other instances like this when I was a child and I kind of resent it to this day that my parents "stayed out my business." I wish they would've asked me more questions about what was going on with me.

Maybe something legitimate happened to OP's child - problem at school? problem with friends?

If this is what’s going on there will be behavior change in other situations, not just in swim races. And it can be addressed then. A 7 year old does not have good emotion regulation. If something is bothering them they act out in multiple situations. Not the same thing as being a middle schooler.

It is obvious people thinking this is indicative of anything deeper do not come from a swimming background. Some days you are just off and can’t really figure out why. A 7 year old is unlikely to be aware of changes in performance. If they are aware and express disappointment, a good parent tells them there will be good days and bad days and that the important thing is to keep trying and cheering for teammates. A huge part of sports is learning to work through tough times with grace and being happy for others who are doing well. That is the type of thing that will carry over into adult life. Not the times.

[Anonymous]

Agree with above that there can be big fluctuations in performance even with older club swimmers. Don't read into each meet so much...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not totally sure what happened with DC, 7, tonight but he went from performing among top 3 swimmers in team to the bottom three.

Seemed very distracted. Thus far we've said nothing other then how did you feel about the meet, did you have fun etc. Should we say anything else?

Not clear if they are aware of poor performance and not sure if we should just ignore it altogether or ask if something was bothering them.

Does your kid even know their time? At that age my kid couldn't care less what their time was. The only people that are hyper focused on this is the parents. The crazy swim team parents that is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry, I didn't read the whole thread - were there some circumstances that made the first meet different from the second? Like a different team with better swimmers?

If not, I actually think it's right for her to be a little worried. I don't think it's about achievement. I think when a kid was behaving or performing one way but then suddently changes, it's something to look into. Not because they need to a be a top swimmer, but maybe because something really is wrong with them.

I was on the swim team when I was in junior high. I went from being really dedicated to being distracted and not performing well. This happened right at the time we found out my mom was having an affair and my parents separated.

I actually had a few other instances like this when I was a child and I kind of resent it to this day that my parents "stayed out my business." I wish they would've asked me more questions about what was going on with me.

Maybe something legitimate happened to OP's child - problem at school? problem with friends?

We had time trials on Saturday. Many of our top swimmers posted times well off from their personal best. It happens. The coach isn't "demoting" them to slower lanes. I've never come across a coach who would do something like that based on a single race. My own kid missed her freestyle goal and had a lousy backstroke race at time trials. She's still swimming exactly where she was before that. Our conversation about it on the way home consisted of me asking if she'd enjoyed finally being back in the pool for a meet with her friends (and FWIW, my kid *does* have "something going on" in her life but I don't have to harp on her swimming to address it).

OPs kid is a 7 year old who had one bad day. I don't think that even remotely qualifies as a "sudden change" indicating that "something really is wrong". If there are other things OP notices going forward then maybe it's something. But a single off day in the pool is indicative of nothing except it was an off day in the pool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not totally sure what happened with DC, 7, tonight but he went from performing among top 3 swimmers in team to the bottom three.

Seemed very distracted. Thus far we've said nothing other then how did you feel about the meet, did you have fun etc. Should we say anything else?

Not clear if they are aware of poor performance and not sure if we should just ignore it altogether or ask if something was bothering them.

Does your kid even know their time? At that age my kid couldn't care less what their time was. The only people that are hyper focused on this is the parents. The crazy swim team parents that is.

Not OP but having been a timer for 5+ years I can tell you that the little kids are the ones who immediately yell “what’s my time” when they finish. Probably not something a first time summer swimmer is doing this early in the season, but they learn that behavior fast!

[Anonymous]

At our pool the kids are instructed by the coach to ask their time, and he asks the timers to make a point of telling them even if they forget to ask.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not totally sure what happened with DC, 7, tonight but he went from performing among top 3 swimmers in team to the bottom three.

Seemed very distracted. Thus far we've said nothing other then how did you feel about the meet, did you have fun etc. Should we say anything else?

Not clear if they are aware of poor performance and not sure if we should just ignore it altogether or ask if something was bothering them.

Does your kid even know their time? At that age my kid couldn't care less what their time was. The only people that are hyper focused on this is the parents. The crazy swim team parents that is.

Not OP but having been a timer for 5+ years I can tell you that the little kids are the ones who immediately yell “what’s my time” when they finish. Probably not something a first time summer swimmer is doing this early in the season, but they learn that behavior fast!

Yes, although I'll also say that as the parent of one of those kids, the ability to remember a multi-digit number isn't always there. My older kid once told me his time was "2 seconds". Ummm, it might have ended in 2, but I'm pretty sure that wasn't the only digit.

[Anonymous]

Op- are you coming back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom 3 is not horrible. Horrible is dead last a lap behind the next person.

Nope, that was my 9 year old niece. She did her best. We were proud. Horrible is the lifeguard jumps in to save you, or you have a terrible meltdown on the deck. No child in a race does “horrible”

Well whether or not that happened to your niece that’s what qualifies as horrible in my book. I was on swim team as a kid/teen and had my share of horrible meets. Merely losing isn’t it but losing by a lap is.

Well, you are a jerk.

-- parent of kid who wants to swim and will always be that slow.

Dear parent of kid who wants to swim and those with the 9-year old niece,

I love watching your kids swim. I love the dedication and sheer guts it takes to give it your all, no matter what the result is. I love the fact that you support your kid in what they want to do, and that you are positive and encouraging, no matter what. I hear how you talk to your kid when they are done with their swim and I see how they respond. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Parent of another kid who has been doing this for a while now

PS: I'm glad our pool has parents and families like you all. I'm the one with "something in my eye" as your kids are finishing their races.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom 3 is not horrible. Horrible is dead last a lap behind the next person.

Nope, that was my 9 year old niece. She did her best. We were proud. Horrible is the lifeguard jumps in to save you, or you have a terrible meltdown on the deck. No child in a race does “horrible”

Well whether or not that happened to your niece that’s what qualifies as horrible in my book. I was on swim team as a kid/teen and had my share of horrible meets. Merely losing isn’t it but losing by a lap is.

Well, you are a jerk.

-- parent of kid who wants to swim and will always be that slow.

Dear parent of kid who wants to swim and those with the 9-year old niece,

I love watching your kids swim. I love the dedication and sheer guts it takes to give it your all, no matter what the result is. I love the fact that you support your kid in what they want to do, and that you are positive and encouraging, no matter what. I hear how you talk to your kid when they are done with their swim and I see how they respond. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Parent of another kid who has been doing this for a while now

PS: I'm glad our pool has parents and families like you all. I'm the one with "something in my eye" as your kids are finishing their races.

PP, I can tell you really understand what swimming (and especially summer swimming) is all about. Swimming is truly a lifelong sport. I am a former college swimmer who dabbled in US Masters Swimming before I had kids. There is nothing more inspiring that seeing 80 and 90 year olds (literally) at swim meets. Everyone claps because it is so amazing that they can still complete races. It truly all comes full circle.

When I went to the national meet several years ago I got to meet the oldest relay team in US Masters history. I think they were all 90+ years old. It was so cool and really gives you perspective on what swimming should be. It's a sport that gives so much to you, including lifelong fitness and mobility, if you keep a good attitude and perspective. The years spent as an age group and even college swimmer are just a blip in life. Learning how to swim all 4 strokes and continue to do them throughout life is so good for flexibility and joint health. Think about how many old people can barely move. The older Masters swimmers are truly a demonstration of what it means to age well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I honestly do not understand the obsession with sports and kids. Sports are good for learning how to function as a team, learning good sportsmanship, and getting some exercise. Who cares about it beyond that? I am honestly worried for this 7(!) year old.

I agree OP is nuts.

But I disagree with this take. Sports are good for the things you mentioned, but they are good for other things too. My swimmer has learned that if put hard work into something, it will pay off. He has learned through swim that you can ONLY control what you do and you can only do your best. If someone else does even better - that's ok. He's learned that attention to detail really matters. He started swimming somewhat competitively at seven and has taken those lessons with him since then, applying them to school and life in general.

Sports can be (emphasis on CAN) character-building in all the right ways.

[Anonymous]

I’m not an athlete but just want to chime in that I’m watching the Olympic trials to see someone from our town swim. S/he didn’t start swimming competitively until high school and had spent the prior years doing all sorts of other sports. Obviously, this person is extremely talented but there is no one path. Plus, agree with all the others to relax about test scores etc. Grades don’t count when you are 7. This is the time to learn how to fail, how to make mistakes, how to ask questions. This is the time to learn that it is okay not to be perfect - be no one ever is.