Advice Needed: parents who both work long hours

[Anonymous]

This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

OP, we have probably half your income and similar types of expenses including private school, nanny, classes, trips, college. Maybe you need to reconsider COL in your area? Just seems like you work so much, make so much, but aren’t enjoying life... that’s no fun.

Re: working FT but seeing your kids more, I was able to WFH the first year of my kids’ lives with a nanny. I could nurse them and see their milestones. For the other years, I have flexed my time and put in 10-15 hours on nights and weekends. That means I can pick them up from school or do morning classes with them. My husband does the same with his schedule. Now I’m more senior so most of my hours are up to me. I can take my kids to the zoo on a weekday or to lessons after school. If you offered to quadruple my salary but made it 9-5, I wouldn’t do it now. Maybe in 10 years when the kids are grown, but I know I’d regret it if looking back on life I realized I had been in meetings instead of with my kids. I would not do well as a SAHM but maybe there is a balance you and your husband could attempt with all your resources.

[Anonymous]

OP, I really really suggest sending out the laundry with a drop off/pick up service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

Why are you cooking and cleaning at 8pm...?!If I had your income, I would never cook or clean. Ever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

Why are you cooking and cleaning at 8pm...?!If I had your income, I would never cook or clean. Ever.

Unless you have 24/7 help, which is REALLY expensive, rich people have to clean up after dinner too.

[Anonymous]

OP that’s a miserable life for you. I mean really wtf. To answer your question- yes, plenty of parents have 9-5ish legal jobs and don’t have to log on after the kids go to bed. Get a different job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

OP you are effing ridiculous. You make $750k/year and “it doesn’t go as far as it should”?! Wtf. You are LOADED and completely out of touch. I can’t even.

[Anonymous]

Get a mommy law job making 100k a year. You will still be making SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND A YEAR. Drive less nice cars and live in a less nice house and private is no problem.

[Anonymous]

Your life sounds absolutely miserable to me, OP. My kids are grown. It went by faster than I could have possibly imagined. One of you needs to step back and prioritize your children and your home life. Some families don’t have the luxury of making that choice. You do.

[Anonymous]

Just chiming in to say you are ridiculous. That's no way to live.You are choosing expensive things over a balanced life. You can still have a very nice lifestyle on JUST your DH's income.

[Anonymous]

OP your expenses don’t seem to justify requiring a $750k salary. But you are not the problem, your DH is. To solve it, either he needs to take a more flexible, or you quit and SAH (another one bites the dust).

To answer your question - my kids got a minimum of 7 hours with a parent when they were little. I took the 7-11am shift and DH took the 5-8pm shift. I would be home by 6 anyway, so we could tag team with the kids and dinner etc. We paid our nanny for 40 hours a week, though she only worked 30, with the understanding that she would spend most of naptime everyday helping us with family laundry and dinner prep. It worked out well for us. We didn’t get stressed out in the evenings and weekends.

[Anonymous]

OP, spend more time with your kids. You have plenty of money, but you don’t have plenty of time with the kids. They are only young once. I work 4 days a week-worth the paycut to be with my 3 kids. And we make way less than you.

[Anonymous]

OP you have warped thinking.

Since out children came along, one of us has been part time. First it was DH, then me, now DH again.

No nanny or daycare until 24 months. From 24 to 36 months, just morning preschools.

No one on the planet needs $750,000 a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is OP again. I want to clear up the notion that I only spend 30 mins per day with my kids which is not at all true. They are up by 7am latest and we spend an hour an a half together until I drop the older one at school at 8:30 and our nanny arrives. I stop working at 5:30pm so I think have another 2 hours with my youngest who goes to bed at 7:30pm, and my oldest who goes to bed at 8 gets 2.5 hours. Where I struggle is that I then need to handle everything else too - cooking, clean up, laundry, schedules, projects, etc. And I choose to stop working at 5:30 and then go back online later most nights so I can spend the time with my kids.

I am genuinely curious - are there moms who work full time and get to spend more time with their kids than this? Even if you work 9-5 with commuting it’s probably about the same I would imagine.

We also don’t work for what would be considered biglaw firms (although my firm is bigger than DH’s). DH is already a partner and makes around $500K per year all in. He has even more earning potential with his recent promotion but isn’t there yet. I make around $250K and made it clear I don’t want to be on partner track because those attorneys work much more than I do.

We also don’t live an overly extravagant lifestyle at all. DH went to private school and is not open to public regardless of how good it is. That’s the only think that would make a reasonable different in our expenditures. So when you add that up, plus FT nanny, summer camp and classes, our families both lives across the country so 2X per year flights, one vacation per year, etc... it really doesn’t go as far as it should. We also save quite a bit as we want to make sure college and possible grad school are covered for our kids.

Why are you cooking and cleaning at 8pm...?!If I had your income, I would never cook or clean. Ever.

DP. You are wrong. I have slightly more than OP's income and yes, we cook our meals and clean the dishes after. It would take like 1/3 our after-tax income to hire a full-time nanny and also housekeeper who cooks. Instead we have cleaners come in twice a week.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds to me that at this point in time, your kids are getting as much of your time as parents who work more of a 9-5 schedule are able to give their kids. The problem is that as your kids get older, they will go to bed later, and it is going to be really hard to get in an extra 3 hours of work after they go to bed. Then add in all of the activities that your kids will likely end up doing and things will get even more hectic.

Are you happy? It sounds like you get no down time at all. I would keep looking for job opportunities with the federal government. As a PP noted, these years go by so fast. At the end of the day, I don't think you would look back and regret finding a less stressful job. Good luck. I know it's really hard finding the right balance.