Advice Needed: parents who both work long hours

[Anonymous]

Do you really NEED the income? If you cut back your hours, you wouldn’t need to pay for do much outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

What a rat race!! Get out, OP.

[Anonymous]

Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

[Anonymous]

We are double biglaw. DH just made partner this past year. I wish I had any advice or answers. It’s exhausting. In-house opportunities are rare. Government is hard to get. I thought I’d have all these wonderful “exit options” from my firm and with all these resume rubber stamps but that’s not how it’s gone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

You could do Catholic school or public. Your kids will be fine with two well-educated parents who are available to them.

[Anonymous]

Personal chef that prepares all meals and a virtual assistant that can stay on top of all admin tasks: school stuff, researching ish, kid paperwork, scheduling etc.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a big law partner. I had to quit my job shortly after our first because it was unsustainable. I plan to go back when they're older. A few things:

-if neither of your are partner track and you're in big law GET OUT NOW. Any job you can.

-cut expenses. Seriously. This is lifestyle creep at work. Do you want to look back in 30 years and think well I didn't see my kids much but at least I had a Mercedes

-with two good incomes and the money you're spending on private you can move to a gold school district. My DH makes 1m but we are in public.

Real talk: you can make this work but you don't want to. And that's ok, you're allowed to want to continue to work. But be honest.

[Anonymous]

get an easier job. money isn’t that important.

[Anonymous]

How much do each of you make?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

Your priorities are seriously out of whack.

When do you two plan to actually SEE your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the cleaning lady and hire a housekeeper.

It sounds like OP needs a 20–30 hour a week housekeeper. Someone who comes every morning or afternoon and handles groceries, meals, cleaning, random errands, laundry, etc. Yes, this is expensive, but that’s the only thing that will make your days bearable. Look into the cost and decide if you feel it’s worth it to spend at least half your raise on outsourcing.

[Anonymous]

Is this how you want to live, OP? Were you both going after these promotions simultaneously? If not, why didn't one of you negotiate for better, more family-friendly terms? How many hours a day do you spend with your kid where you're not doing something to/for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

Ask your children what THEY need. Do they want private school, nice house, nice cars, or do they want to know their parents? You sound materialistic and shallow. I hope your nanny shows the kids love and attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Get rid of the cleaning lady and hire a housekeeper.

It sounds like OP needs a 20–30 hour a week housekeeper. Someone who comes every morning or afternoon and handles groceries, meals, cleaning, random errands, laundry, etc. Yes, this is expensive, but that’s the only thing that will make your days bearable. Look into the cost and decide if you feel it’s worth it to spend at least half your raise on outsourcing.

I posted above about us being double biglaw and I certainly don’t need 20-30 hours of a housekeeper. That’s wild. We have laundry delivery/pickup and twice-weekly cleaners, Whole Foods grocery delivery, and an au pair. I don’t even know what I would use that many hours of housekeeper time for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

Ask your children what THEY need. Do they want private school, nice house, nice cars, or do they want to know their parents? You sound materialistic and shallow. I hope your nanny shows the kids love and attention.

I think this is unfair. I'm sure OP loves her kids and shows them that. Having to work long hours doesn't make you a bad parent. Let's not mom shame here.