Advice Needed: parents who both work long hours

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

Ditch the mcmansion and luxury cars, and you OP go to a mommy lawyer job at a nonprofit. Or pursue in house harder. I would get out. You think you are tired now? Your kids are only 2 and 6. Imagine both kids with tons of school projects and reports and after school activities, OMG. The jump from 2nd to 3rd grade alone is huge. In the future, if DH makes partner, you revert back to luxury lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

Ask your children what THEY need. Do they want private school, nice house, nice cars, or do they want to know their parents? You sound materialistic and shallow. I hope your nanny shows the kids love and attention.

I think this is unfair. I'm sure OP loves her kids and shows them that. Having to work long hours doesn't make you a bad parent. Let's not mom shame here.

For the record, I'm dad shaming too. 2 parents who see their kid for 30 minutes a day are, in fact, bad parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

Ditch the mcmansion and luxury cars, and you OP go to a mommy lawyer job at a nonprofit. Or pursue in house harder. I would get out. You think you are tired now? Your kids are only 2 and 6. Imagine both kids with tons of school projects and reports and after school activities, OMG. The jump from 2nd to 3rd grade alone is huge. In the future, if DH makes partner, you revert back to luxury lifestyle.

I vote for DH to step back, or for them both to get "normal" jobs.

[Anonymous]

Real talk: you can make this work but you don't want to. And that's ok, you're allowed to want to continue to work. But be honest.

+1. Let's do the math. Your spouse works 13 hours/day at his day job, and you work 11 hours/day at your day job. Subtracting 8 hours for sleep, that leaves your spouse 3 hours per day for personal hygiene, eating, and kids. That leaves you 5 hours for the same, plus meal prep, dropoff/pickup, appointments, etc. The only way this is sustainable is if you outsource everything you're doing before and after work, plus all meal preparation and cleanup.

And that's fine, but be honest and acknowledge THE REALITY. There isn't a solution that magically gives you 8 more hours per day or magically makes everything get done over the weekend (although being in law, I assume weekends are just 2 more workdays).

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have no time for exercise, leisure/fun, or sex. This will not end well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

How did I guess you were both biglaw? You’re making your choice - material things over time with your kids. There’s no fix for it.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to your nanny about increasing her hours. You keep coming home at the same time but you have an extra set of hands from nanny.

Also set up a weekend sitter with four hours guaranteed on Saturday for errands. You can even take the older child with you some more time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

Isn’t this what’s known as the “two-income trap”? You’ve jacked up your expenses and now you need to work crazy hours.

FWIW, DH makes $275k at this current job (I make $175k). He had the opportunity for a role that would pay $350-400k (i.e., guaranteed private school for our kids) but we both agreed to turn it down because it would bump up his working hours from 8-9 hours/day to 12+ hours a day. He likes the bond with his children.

[Anonymous]

Keep your nanny and get a full time housekeeper who handles everything: grocery shopping, laundry, changing beds, cleaning and, if you’re lucky, food prep and cooking. Have her start at 11 and stay through dinner dishes and making school lunches.

Increase the nanny’s hours a bit to help you while you’re home. There’s no denying that an extra set of hands is helpful!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. We both work in law. DH is working on many more complicated deals now which is why the hours are so bad.

I am at a different firm that is also pretty demanding. Neither of us really has the ability to but back our hours and while I could take somewhat of a step back with less pay,
I can’t find any firms that actually have that option. No one wants a lawyer who is only willing to work 40 hours per week. I have interviewed for in house jobs too in the past but nothing has been the right fit.

I really don’t want to outsource more related to my kids because I want to be with them, which is my top priority in the mornings and after work until they go to bed.

We need a good income because we have one in private elementary, eventually two, a nice house, nice cars, etc. we could certainly be a bit more frugal with cars and things, but not education.

Ask your children what THEY need. Do they want private school, nice house, nice cars, or do they want to know their parents? You sound materialistic and shallow. I hope your nanny shows the kids love and attention.

I think this is unfair. I'm sure OP loves her kids and shows them that. Having to work long hours doesn't make you a bad parent. Let's not mom shame here.

For the record, I'm dad shaming too. 2 parents who see their kid for 30 minutes a day are, in fact, bad parents.

And op and op’s DH doesn’t “have to” work those hours. One big law salary can sustain a family. She and her DH are choosing lifestyle and career to the detriment of their relationship with their kids.

[Anonymous]

Lolling forever at suggestions for a full time housekeeper and private chef for 2 biglaw associates. They aren’t hedge fund managers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lolling forever at suggestions for a full time housekeeper and private chef for 2 biglaw associates. They aren’t hedge fund managers!

A full time housekeeper is very affordable for two big law associates. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What the heck do you both do that is important enough to warrant such long hours? Good lord, that’s a messed up way to live. How did you manage to even conceive children?

Poor kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lolling forever at suggestions for a full time housekeeper and private chef for 2 biglaw associates. They aren’t hedge fund managers!

A full time housekeeper is very affordable for two big law associates. Get real.

I don’t agree. The idea of biglaw is to save up some money, not spend it all. If they’re both equity partners now that’s one thing but that’s not the impression I’m getting.

[Anonymous]

It’s not sustainable. Are you really going to spend all of your hours working just so you can have a bigger house, more expensive cars, and private elementary? That’s just sad. One of both of you needs to dial back before you miss your kids’ entire childhoods.