At wits' end with potty training 3yr old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my advice, all the “could have should have” stuff aside, because what you want is a way forward, right?

1. Keep him in pull-ups or diapers for the month of April. If he wants to sit and use the potty during this month, let him. But don’t force him to sit. Each day talk up the importance of using the potty like a big kid. That he has to do it if he wants to go to school with his friends in the fall. That diapers are for little kids and using the potty is for big kids. If you have to go back and pull out the potty training books or watch the potty training episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger, do it.

2. Determine the one week you or your spouse can take off of work in the month of May. This will be the week you pull your child from daycare and your sole job the entire seven days is potty training.

3. Spend the next three weeks putting in the advance work. As in, every single day you do something to prepare yourself for the May training session. Re-read Oh Crap. Contact the author or a pediatric behavioral specialist for a consulting session on toileting a reluctant child. Whether or not your child is neurotypical, research potty training for children with special needs. He may not be a special needs, but he is certainly in a special circumstance where atypical methods of training may be necessary. There are articles and message boards galore online. If you have been using a small standalone potty, invest in an over the seat style with stairs for large toilet insert. If you’ve been having him go on the big toilet, by a standalone potty. Having something different and new may help your process.

4. Make your plan for that training week in May. Adhere to rules you develop: you and he stay in the house the entire week. You try naked on bottom (or underwear only or commando, whatever your plan) and stick to it. You vow to get rid of diapers except for naps and overnight. You take him to sit and try every 20 minutes and watch him like a hawk to pick up on the cues when he needs to go. Double down on rewards: a potty chart with stickers or a candy treat, and a small toy like a matchbox car every day he goes on the potty more than once. A big toy (LEGO kit or whatever) he picks out each day he stays completely dry. If training with underwear have him pick out new underwear with his favorite characters. Even if he has a ton in his closet anyway, have him select a new pack.

What you want is to set your child up for success. The issues you’ve had up to this point are largely parent-created, and marginally child-related. He is reluctant, but unless there is a physiological problem or he is delayed, he is obviously intellectually and physically able to fully train. And you are too. But you have to be vigilant or you’ll be dealing with this problem repeatedly at the extreme disadvantage to your son, who may be held back with little kids at daycare rather than advancing to the older kid classroom or being admitted to a formal preschool since he is still in diapers.

I know it’s a huge frustration, but unless you really treat training as a job at this point, I don’t think you’re going to have success. It’s not magically going to click for him without you really stepping things up. So take the next several weeks to research, prepare, and plan, and then do it. We’re here for support as you need it. Good luck!

+1

This thread is becoming a mess but this is really good advice. I would focus on carving out time to get this done at home where you can keep him bottomless or in underwear. Going back and forth with diapers/pull ups makes things so much harder. And figure out the best way for positive reinforcement. Stickers, toys, etc. You don't want to drive potty training with consequences, he'll jut get defiant.

The thing that I can't get past is that positive reinforcement requires progress before it kicks in. I can bribe him into siting on the potty with screen time, but that only works until he really needs to go. Then it turns into panicked screaming. How much should I force him to stay put when he's literally dribbling out from a full bladder? What are the consequences and rewards in such a situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do it on a weekend. If he pees or poops on his underwear he gets no underwear for the rest of the day. Be prepared to stay in most of the weekend. But let other parent go out with sibling. Let him know he’s missing out thru his own choices. If he has a tantrum tell him he has to have it in his room. Carry him there if necessary. He is 3.5, you need to get serious.

That's what we've been doing. We had a 4 day weekend and thought we could make more progress. We took away toys and screens, too. Didn't help.

Taking away toys doesn’t make sense. Same with screens. You’re basically teaching him that going to bathroom in the potty makes life horrible.

Ok. Got a better idea then? How do I motivate him?

I should clarify that I do give him screen-time specifically when he's on the potty. Just not any other time. The toys are recent, and partly motivated by him throwing toys while having potty-related tantrums. We took the main toy away we'll give him a peice back when he uses the potty. And we take anything away he throws.

I think this is part of your problem. You should not give him screen time when he is sitting on the potty. That makes sitting on the potty a passive activity, to watch TV if that’s the only time he gets to watch, rather than doing what he supposed to actively do on the potty: go. Where he likely is now (or will be if you continue this) is that he will agree to sit or say he has to go even if he does not have to go to the bathroom if it means he can get screen time, right? Definitely not a good idea. He should be sitting on the potty to actively go or try to go. You would probably have much better luck telling him he can watch a five minute video after he sits on the potty, not during.

OK- again, got a better idea? I don't know how to describe what is a struggle its been to just get him to sit on the potty at all, much less use it.

[Anonymous]

Is there a stable potty seat and steep stool or ladder? Does he feel secure and comfortable when up and on the seat?

I would start with small instant rewards just for giving it a try with zero expectation of him going.

Break it down in to small attainable steps.

Put a stack of pull up and under wear in his room and in the washroom. Have him decide which to wear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do it on a weekend. If he pees or poops on his underwear he gets no underwear for the rest of the day. Be prepared to stay in most of the weekend. But let other parent go out with sibling. Let him know he’s missing out thru his own choices. If he has a tantrum tell him he has to have it in his room. Carry him there if necessary. He is 3.5, you need to get serious.

That's what we've been doing. We had a 4 day weekend and thought we could make more progress. We took away toys and screens, too. Didn't help.

Taking away toys doesn’t make sense. Same with screens. You’re basically teaching him that going to bathroom in the potty makes life horrible.

Ok. Got a better idea then? How do I motivate him?

I should clarify that I do give him screen-time specifically when he's on the potty. Just not any other time. The toys are recent, and partly motivated by him throwing toys while having potty-related tantrums. We took the main toy away we'll give him a peice back when he uses the potty. And we take anything away he throws.

I think this is part of your problem. You should not give him screen time when he is sitting on the potty. That makes sitting on the potty a passive activity, to watch TV if that’s the only time he gets to watch, rather than doing what he supposed to actively do on the potty: go. Where he likely is now (or will be if you continue this) is that he will agree to sit or say he has to go even if he does not have to go to the bathroom if it means he can get screen time, right? Definitely not a good idea. He should be sitting on the potty to actively go or try to go. You would probably have much better luck telling him he can watch a five minute video after he sits on the potty, not during.

OK- again, got a better idea? I don't know how to describe what is a struggle its been to just get him to sit on the potty at all, much less use it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do it on a weekend. If he pees or poops on his underwear he gets no underwear for the rest of the day. Be prepared to stay in most of the weekend. But let other parent go out with sibling. Let him know he’s missing out thru his own choices. If he has a tantrum tell him he has to have it in his room. Carry him there if necessary. He is 3.5, you need to get serious.

That's what we've been doing. We had a 4 day weekend and thought we could make more progress. We took away toys and screens, too. Didn't help.

Taking away toys doesn’t make sense. Same with screens. You’re basically teaching him that going to bathroom in the potty makes life horrible.

OK- again, got a better idea? I don't know how to describe what is a struggle its been to just get him to sit on the potty at all, much less use it.

Sure. Other than screen time, what does he like? You need to motivate him to try. Even just agreeing to sit for 10 seconds will be something to positively reinforce at this stage in the game. If he’s not motivated by getting a sticker or a couple of jelly beans when he sits, how would he react to a temporary tattoo or a $.25 glow stick from the dollar store? The rewards are motivators (and temporary until he’s on board) whether it’s something tangible like a tiny toy or screen time after he tries to sit and go or something he wants, like to go outside to play or help make pancakes for breakfast. If he may be a child who needs attention and positive words more than toys, then you make it a big deal that he sits for 10 seconds. Do a potty dance, sing a party song. Count backwards with him from 10 pretending to be a rocket ship blasting off. When he goes in the potty, make it a super big deal. Call one of his grandparents or an aunt and uncle to brag about how he was such a big kid and went. Make a big deal about filling out the potty chart each time. Only you will know how to motivate your child. It might be through rewards and bribes, it might be through words of encouragement versus tangible items, it might be failed threats like peer pressure if all of his friends are out of diapers.

Obviously what you’re doing now with giving screen time only while he sits on the potty is not getting you anywhere, so what do you have to lose by trying, literally, anything else people are suggesting here, right?! Lots of great ideas, you just need to form a plan and really follow through.

Ps — I also think it would not hurt to talk to your pediatrician about his diet and how that is relating to potty training. Yogurt and high-fat dairy can actually be very constipating. If he’s eating more than one yogurt a day, and not a whole lot else or a limited menu, he may be constipated or potentially also dehydrated. None of that will help your cause. If you need ways to get him to drink more liquids so his system runs a little more efficiently if he won’t budge on the diet side of things, have him get involved in making dairy-free smoothies, adding drops of food coloring to apple juice, picking a flavor of Crystal light to pour into his water cup etc.

[Anonymous]

I think you should get him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. You seem to already have a sense that something is off and I wouldn’t discount that. I know you said you don’t think it’s ASD but a lot of parents say that and end up being wrong. The extreme rigidity and the not responding or reacting to reinforcers the way you expect plus having a sibling with delays already...don’t discount it. Or maybe it’s anxiety. It sounds like you need more supper and answers.

[Anonymous]

And by supper I mean support. Thanks autocorrect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my advice, all the “could have should have” stuff aside, because what you want is a way forward, right?

1. Keep him in pull-ups or diapers for the month of April. If he wants to sit and use the potty during this month, let him. But don’t force him to sit. Each day talk up the importance of using the potty like a big kid. That he has to do it if he wants to go to school with his friends in the fall. That diapers are for little kids and using the potty is for big kids. If you have to go back and pull out the potty training books or watch the potty training episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger, do it.

2. Determine the one week you or your spouse can take off of work in the month of May. This will be the week you pull your child from daycare and your sole job the entire seven days is potty training.

3. Spend the next three weeks putting in the advance work. As in, every single day you do something to prepare yourself for the May training session. Re-read Oh Crap. Contact the author or a pediatric behavioral specialist for a consulting session on toileting a reluctant child. Whether or not your child is neurotypical, research potty training for children with special needs. He may not be a special needs, but he is certainly in a special circumstance where atypical methods of training may be necessary. There are articles and message boards galore online. If you have been using a small standalone potty, invest in an over the seat style with stairs for large toilet insert. If you’ve been having him go on the big toilet, by a standalone potty. Having something different and new may help your process.

4. Make your plan for that training week in May. Adhere to rules you develop: you and he stay in the house the entire week. You try naked on bottom (or underwear only or commando, whatever your plan) and stick to it. You vow to get rid of diapers except for naps and overnight. You take him to sit and try every 20 minutes and watch him like a hawk to pick up on the cues when he needs to go. Double down on rewards: a potty chart with stickers or a candy treat, and a small toy like a matchbox car every day he goes on the potty more than once. A big toy (LEGO kit or whatever) he picks out each day he stays completely dry. If training with underwear have him pick out new underwear with his favorite characters. Even if he has a ton in his closet anyway, have him select a new pack.

What you want is to set your child up for success. The issues you’ve had up to this point are largely parent-created, and marginally child-related. He is reluctant, but unless there is a physiological problem or he is delayed, he is obviously intellectually and physically able to fully train. And you are too. But you have to be vigilant or you’ll be dealing with this problem repeatedly at the extreme disadvantage to your son, who may be held back with little kids at daycare rather than advancing to the older kid classroom or being admitted to a formal preschool since he is still in diapers.

I know it’s a huge frustration, but unless you really treat training as a job at this point, I don’t think you’re going to have success. It’s not magically going to click for him without you really stepping things up. So take the next several weeks to research, prepare, and plan, and then do it. We’re here for support as you need it. Good luck!

+1

This thread is becoming a mess but this is really good advice. I would focus on carving out time to get this done at home where you can keep him bottomless or in underwear. Going back and forth with diapers/pull ups makes things so much harder. And figure out the best way for positive reinforcement. Stickers, toys, etc. You don't want to drive potty training with consequences, he'll jut get defiant.

The thing that I can't get past is that positive reinforcement requires progress before it kicks in. I can bribe him into siting on the potty with screen time, but that only works until he really needs to go. Then it turns into panicked screaming. How much should I force him to stay put when he's literally dribbling out from a full bladder? What are the consequences and rewards in such a situation?

This is easy, OP. Make agreeing to sit on the potty be the progress. It’s the first step. Take the step and celebrate it, whatever way works for your child (as other PPs have said, via a treat, a toy, praise, screen time, some new independence or ability to make other choices like staying up 15 minutes later than bedtime that night etc.).


But I will level with you. Your frustration and stress is palpable. You may gain more ground hiring a potty training consultant (it doesn’t matter if it’s virtual; the consulting is for you as the parent not for the consultant to speak with your child about going to the bathroom) and scheduling an appointment with a pediatric behavioral specialist. You have a lot of well-meaning people here (and some not, this is DCUM after all) offering you advice and input, but going on five pages, all I’ve seen you do in response is refute any and all suggestions and/or be rude to people who’ve taken the time to try to assist you, offer their own experiences, or empathize in some way. I hope you’ll re-read this thread and choose one or more things to try, for the sake of your child and to bring some calm to what sounds like a chaotic and stressful home situation right now. But, I’ll be blunt: based off of your posts, you come across perhaps just as hardheaded to try a different method of potty training as your child is to actually potty train. If both of you are truly this quick with an excuse and completely resistant, I’m afraid you’ll be changing diapers for many more years to come.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried straight up bribery? My youngest pooped in a pull up every night for a year because I was too stubborn to bribe him. My thought was that I wasn’t going to bribe him to take a dump. It took A YEAR for him to decide he didn’t want to do it.

Bribe him. Look into Kazdin. You need to reward him for the behavior you want (going in the potty), instead of not doing the negative behavior (not wetting himself). So every time he pees in the potty he gets a reward. Two M&Ms, a chocolate pretzel, whatever. Do something daily, and then do a super huge reward at the end of three weeks or a month so he can build the habit of going. In the interim, give out bigger rewards - a whole donut or whatever. It doesn’t have to be food, but it has to be something he wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should get him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician. You seem to already have a sense that something is off and I wouldn’t discount that. I know you said you don’t think it’s ASD but a lot of parents say that and end up being wrong. The extreme rigidity and the not responding or reacting to reinforcers the way you expect plus having a sibling with delays already...don’t discount it. Or maybe it’s anxiety. It sounds like you need more supper and answers.

This this this. This child is not doing this on purpose to make you mad or to lose his stuff or to make his little brother not trained either. Something else is going on and you need to look into it. I know it's very frustrating, but my own child did not potty train until four and a half. She also had delays and didn't get a diagnosis until after she potty trained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my advice, all the “could have should have” stuff aside, because what you want is a way forward, right?

1. Keep him in pull-ups or diapers for the month of April. If he wants to sit and use the potty during this month, let him. But don’t force him to sit. Each day talk up the importance of using the potty like a big kid. That he has to do it if he wants to go to school with his friends in the fall. That diapers are for little kids and using the potty is for big kids. If you have to go back and pull out the potty training books or watch the potty training episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger, do it.

2. Determine the one week you or your spouse can take off of work in the month of May. This will be the week you pull your child from daycare and your sole job the entire seven days is potty training.

3. Spend the next three weeks putting in the advance work. As in, every single day you do something to prepare yourself for the May training session. Re-read Oh Crap. Contact the author or a pediatric behavioral specialist for a consulting session on toileting a reluctant child. Whether or not your child is neurotypical, research potty training for children with special needs. He may not be a special needs, but he is certainly in a special circumstance where atypical methods of training may be necessary. There are articles and message boards galore online. If you have been using a small standalone potty, invest in an over the seat style with stairs for large toilet insert. If you’ve been having him go on the big toilet, by a standalone potty. Having something different and new may help your process.

4. Make your plan for that training week in May. Adhere to rules you develop: you and he stay in the house the entire week. You try naked on bottom (or underwear only or commando, whatever your plan) and stick to it. You vow to get rid of diapers except for naps and overnight. You take him to sit and try every 20 minutes and watch him like a hawk to pick up on the cues when he needs to go. Double down on rewards: a potty chart with stickers or a candy treat, and a small toy like a matchbox car every day he goes on the potty more than once. A big toy (LEGO kit or whatever) he picks out each day he stays completely dry. If training with underwear have him pick out new underwear with his favorite characters. Even if he has a ton in his closet anyway, have him select a new pack.

What you want is to set your child up for success. The issues you’ve had up to this point are largely parent-created, and marginally child-related. He is reluctant, but unless there is a physiological problem or he is delayed, he is obviously intellectually and physically able to fully train. And you are too. But you have to be vigilant or you’ll be dealing with this problem repeatedly at the extreme disadvantage to your son, who may be held back with little kids at daycare rather than advancing to the older kid classroom or being admitted to a formal preschool since he is still in diapers.

I know it’s a huge frustration, but unless you really treat training as a job at this point, I don’t think you’re going to have success. It’s not magically going to click for him without you really stepping things up. So take the next several weeks to research, prepare, and plan, and then do it. We’re here for support as you need it. Good luck!

+1

This thread is becoming a mess but this is really good advice. I would focus on carving out time to get this done at home where you can keep him bottomless or in underwear. Going back and forth with diapers/pull ups makes things so much harder. And figure out the best way for positive reinforcement. Stickers, toys, etc. You don't want to drive potty training with consequences, he'll jut get defiant.

The thing that I can't get past is that positive reinforcement requires progress before it kicks in. I can bribe him into siting on the potty with screen time, but that only works until he really needs to go. Then it turns into panicked screaming. How much should I force him to stay put when he's literally dribbling out from a full bladder? What are the consequences and rewards in such a situation?

This is easy, OP. Make agreeing to sit on the potty be the progress. It’s the first step. Take the step and celebrate it, whatever way works for your child (as other PPs have said, via a treat, a toy, praise, screen time, some new independence or ability to make other choices like staying up 15 minutes later than bedtime that night etc.).


But I will level with you. Your frustration and stress is palpable. You may gain more ground hiring a potty training consultant (it doesn’t matter if it’s virtual; the consulting is for you as the parent not for the consultant to speak with your child about going to the bathroom) and scheduling an appointment with a pediatric behavioral specialist. You have a lot of well-meaning people here (and some not, this is DCUM after all) offering you advice and input, but going on five pages, all I’ve seen you do in response is refute any and all suggestions and/or be rude to people who’ve taken the time to try to assist you, offer their own experiences, or empathize in some way. I hope you’ll re-read this thread and choose one or more things to try, for the sake of your child and to bring some calm to what sounds like a chaotic and stressful home situation right now. But, I’ll be blunt: based off of your posts, you come across perhaps just as hardheaded to try a different method of potty training as your child is to actually potty train. If both of you are truly this quick with an excuse and completely resistant, I’m afraid you’ll be changing diapers for many more years to come.

I understand some of the people are well meaning. But they're not suggesting things we haven't already tried. Most don't seem to be bothering to pay attention to what we've tried and hadn't worked. Hearing the same thing over and over again isn't helpful when it didn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you tried straight up bribery? My youngest pooped in a pull up every night for a year because I was too stubborn to bribe him. My thought was that I wasn’t going to bribe him to take a dump. It took A YEAR for him to decide he didn’t want to do it.

Bribe him. Look into Kazdin. You need to reward him for the behavior you want (going in the potty), instead of not doing the negative behavior (not wetting himself). So every time he pees in the potty he gets a reward. Two M&Ms, a chocolate pretzel, whatever. Do something daily, and then do a super huge reward at the end of three weeks or a month so he can build the habit of going. In the interim, give out bigger rewards - a whole donut or whatever. It doesn’t have to be food, but it has to be something he wants.

Of course we did. It didn't work. We got to a point where we could get him to sit, but we couldn't get him to go while on the potty. All the posters here are taking for granted that the peeing will come eventually on its own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my advice, all the “could have should have” stuff aside, because what you want is a way forward, right?

1. Keep him in pull-ups or diapers for the month of April. If he wants to sit and use the potty during this month, let him. But don’t force him to sit. Each day talk up the importance of using the potty like a big kid. That he has to do it if he wants to go to school with his friends in the fall. That diapers are for little kids and using the potty is for big kids. If you have to go back and pull out the potty training books or watch the potty training episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger, do it.

2. Determine the one week you or your spouse can take off of work in the month of May. This will be the week you pull your child from daycare and your sole job the entire seven days is potty training.

3. Spend the next three weeks putting in the advance work. As in, every single day you do something to prepare yourself for the May training session. Re-read Oh Crap. Contact the author or a pediatric behavioral specialist for a consulting session on toileting a reluctant child. Whether or not your child is neurotypical, research potty training for children with special needs. He may not be a special needs, but he is certainly in a special circumstance where atypical methods of training may be necessary. There are articles and message boards galore online. If you have been using a small standalone potty, invest in an over the seat style with stairs for large toilet insert. If you’ve been having him go on the big toilet, by a standalone potty. Having something different and new may help your process.

4. Make your plan for that training week in May. Adhere to rules you develop: you and he stay in the house the entire week. You try naked on bottom (or underwear only or commando, whatever your plan) and stick to it. You vow to get rid of diapers except for naps and overnight. You take him to sit and try every 20 minutes and watch him like a hawk to pick up on the cues when he needs to go. Double down on rewards: a potty chart with stickers or a candy treat, and a small toy like a matchbox car every day he goes on the potty more than once. A big toy (LEGO kit or whatever) he picks out each day he stays completely dry. If training with underwear have him pick out new underwear with his favorite characters. Even if he has a ton in his closet anyway, have him select a new pack.

What you want is to set your child up for success. The issues you’ve had up to this point are largely parent-created, and marginally child-related. He is reluctant, but unless there is a physiological problem or he is delayed, he is obviously intellectually and physically able to fully train. And you are too. But you have to be vigilant or you’ll be dealing with this problem repeatedly at the extreme disadvantage to your son, who may be held back with little kids at daycare rather than advancing to the older kid classroom or being admitted to a formal preschool since he is still in diapers.

I know it’s a huge frustration, but unless you really treat training as a job at this point, I don’t think you’re going to have success. It’s not magically going to click for him without you really stepping things up. So take the next several weeks to research, prepare, and plan, and then do it. We’re here for support as you need it. Good luck!

+1

This thread is becoming a mess but this is really good advice. I would focus on carving out time to get this done at home where you can keep him bottomless or in underwear. Going back and forth with diapers/pull ups makes things so much harder. And figure out the best way for positive reinforcement. Stickers, toys, etc. You don't want to drive potty training with consequences, he'll jut get defiant.

The thing that I can't get past is that positive reinforcement requires progress before it kicks in. I can bribe him into siting on the potty with screen time, but that only works until he really needs to go. Then it turns into panicked screaming. How much should I force him to stay put when he's literally dribbling out from a full bladder? What are the consequences and rewards in such a situation?

This is easy, OP. Make agreeing to sit on the potty be the progress. It’s the first step. Take the step and celebrate it, whatever way works for your child (as other PPs have said, via a treat, a toy, praise, screen time, some new independence or ability to make other choices like staying up 15 minutes later than bedtime that night etc.).


But I will level with you. Your frustration and stress is palpable. You may gain more ground hiring a potty training consultant (it doesn’t matter if it’s virtual; the consulting is for you as the parent not for the consultant to speak with your child about going to the bathroom) and scheduling an appointment with a pediatric behavioral specialist. You have a lot of well-meaning people here (and some not, this is DCUM after all) offering you advice and input, but going on five pages, all I’ve seen you do in response is refute any and all suggestions and/or be rude to people who’ve taken the time to try to assist you, offer their own experiences, or empathize in some way. I hope you’ll re-read this thread and choose one or more things to try, for the sake of your child and to bring some calm to what sounds like a chaotic and stressful home situation right now. But, I’ll be blunt: based off of your posts, you come across perhaps just as hardheaded to try a different method of potty training as your child is to actually potty train. If both of you are truly this quick with an excuse and completely resistant, I’m afraid you’ll be changing diapers for many more years to come.

I understand some of the people are well meaning. But they're not suggesting things we haven't already tried. Most don't seem to be bothering to pay attention to what we've tried and hadn't worked. Hearing the same thing over and over again isn't helpful when it didn't work.

Most PPs don’t read every post. They skim. And what is easily skimmed is what you’re saying over and over again that X won’t and Y won’t work. Even your response above makes you sound exasperated. I don’t think this is the right forum for you. You’ve shared your concerns and you’ve received pages upon pages of advice and input. It’s clear you’re not gonna get anything from other responders here as you keep say no to anything anybody says. I would move to the special-needs board or stop with the crowdsourcing if you’re truly not interested in taking any advice, and go the route of medical professionals. You seem to just be getting more frustrated with every post. It’s not doing you any good. I think you need a higher level of support, assistance, and direction.

[Anonymous]

You’ve got to outsource this. You should probably have a nanny anyway, given you have two young kids with special needs.

I have 2 young kids, ages 4 and 2. The 2 year old has significant delays. And we just “finished” potty training him.

I’ll tell you it’s in the top 5 hardest things I’ve ever done. But it is done.

It took 2 months. And for those 2 months, I cried almost daily. And we literally divided the day into shifts between nanny, myself, DH, and teenagers we hired from the neighborhood.

During your “shift”, the ONLY THING YOU DO is watch the kid. You don’t make food. You don’t touch your phone. You don’t go to the park. You are doing NOTHING except watching the child.

Oh and we kept him naked. And followed him around with a potty.

It was awful and hard core and expensive and miserable.

I acknowledge I am extraordinarily privileged to have been able to do this at all.

But I know, FOR CERTAIN, that this is what it was going to take and probably even more if we waited til 3. There was no way but forward.

Just saying it was hell. But you need someone to help you do it. Throw $10k at this and make it go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my advice, all the “could have should have” stuff aside, because what you want is a way forward, right?

1. Keep him in pull-ups or diapers for the month of April. If he wants to sit and use the potty during this month, let him. But don’t force him to sit. Each day talk up the importance of using the potty like a big kid. That he has to do it if he wants to go to school with his friends in the fall. That diapers are for little kids and using the potty is for big kids. If you have to go back and pull out the potty training books or watch the potty training episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger, do it.

2. Determine the one week you or your spouse can take off of work in the month of May. This will be the week you pull your child from daycare and your sole job the entire seven days is potty training.

3. Spend the next three weeks putting in the advance work. As in, every single day you do something to prepare yourself for the May training session. Re-read Oh Crap. Contact the author or a pediatric behavioral specialist for a consulting session on toileting a reluctant child. Whether or not your child is neurotypical, research potty training for children with special needs. He may not be a special needs, but he is certainly in a special circumstance where atypical methods of training may be necessary. There are articles and message boards galore online. If you have been using a small standalone potty, invest in an over the seat style with stairs for large toilet insert. If you’ve been having him go on the big toilet, by a standalone potty. Having something different and new may help your process.

4. Make your plan for that training week in May. Adhere to rules you develop: you and he stay in the house the entire week. You try naked on bottom (or underwear only or commando, whatever your plan) and stick to it. You vow to get rid of diapers except for naps and overnight. You take him to sit and try every 20 minutes and watch him like a hawk to pick up on the cues when he needs to go. Double down on rewards: a potty chart with stickers or a candy treat, and a small toy like a matchbox car every day he goes on the potty more than once. A big toy (LEGO kit or whatever) he picks out each day he stays completely dry. If training with underwear have him pick out new underwear with his favorite characters. Even if he has a ton in his closet anyway, have him select a new pack.

What you want is to set your child up for success. The issues you’ve had up to this point are largely parent-created, and marginally child-related. He is reluctant, but unless there is a physiological problem or he is delayed, he is obviously intellectually and physically able to fully train. And you are too. But you have to be vigilant or you’ll be dealing with this problem repeatedly at the extreme disadvantage to your son, who may be held back with little kids at daycare rather than advancing to the older kid classroom or being admitted to a formal preschool since he is still in diapers.

I know it’s a huge frustration, but unless you really treat training as a job at this point, I don’t think you’re going to have success. It’s not magically going to click for him without you really stepping things up. So take the next several weeks to research, prepare, and plan, and then do it. We’re here for support as you need it. Good luck!

+1

This thread is becoming a mess but this is really good advice. I would focus on carving out time to get this done at home where you can keep him bottomless or in underwear. Going back and forth with diapers/pull ups makes things so much harder. And figure out the best way for positive reinforcement. Stickers, toys, etc. You don't want to drive potty training with consequences, he'll jut get defiant.

The thing that I can't get past is that positive reinforcement requires progress before it kicks in. I can bribe him into siting on the potty with screen time, but that only works until he really needs to go. Then it turns into panicked screaming. How much should I force him to stay put when he's literally dribbling out from a full bladder? What are the consequences and rewards in such a situation?

This is easy, OP. Make agreeing to sit on the potty be the progress. It’s the first step. Take the step and celebrate it, whatever way works for your child (as other PPs have said, via a treat, a toy, praise, screen time, some new independence or ability to make other choices like staying up 15 minutes later than bedtime that night etc.).


But I will level with you. Your frustration and stress is palpable. You may gain more ground hiring a potty training consultant (it doesn’t matter if it’s virtual; the consulting is for you as the parent not for the consultant to speak with your child about going to the bathroom) and scheduling an appointment with a pediatric behavioral specialist. You have a lot of well-meaning people here (and some not, this is DCUM after all) offering you advice and input, but going on five pages, all I’ve seen you do in response is refute any and all suggestions and/or be rude to people who’ve taken the time to try to assist you, offer their own experiences, or empathize in some way. I hope you’ll re-read this thread and choose one or more things to try, for the sake of your child and to bring some calm to what sounds like a chaotic and stressful home situation right now. But, I’ll be blunt: based off of your posts, you come across perhaps just as hardheaded to try a different method of potty training as your child is to actually potty train. If both of you are truly this quick with an excuse and completely resistant, I’m afraid you’ll be changing diapers for many more years to come.

I understand some of the people are well meaning. But they're not suggesting things we haven't already tried. Most don't seem to be bothering to pay attention to what we've tried and hadn't worked. Hearing the same thing over and over again isn't helpful when it didn't work.

Most PPs don’t read every post. They skim. And what is easily skimmed is what you’re saying over and over again that X won’t and Y won’t work. Even your response above makes you sound exasperated. I don’t think this is the right forum for you. You’ve shared your concerns and you’ve received pages upon pages of advice and input. It’s clear you’re not gonna get anything from other responders here as you keep say no to anything anybody says. I would move to the special-needs board or stop with the crowdsourcing if you’re truly not interested in taking any advice, and go the route of medical professionals. You seem to just be getting more frustrated with every post. It’s not doing you any good. I think you need a higher level of support, assistance, and direction.

To be fair, that was part of my original post. Who can I go to for help? In my experience, developmental peds aren't particularly interesting in potty training. And without an ASD diagnosis (and yes, he's been evaluated), I can't get him into ABA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve got to outsource this. You should probably have a nanny anyway, given you have two young kids with special needs.

I have 2 young kids, ages 4 and 2. The 2 year old has significant delays. And we just “finished” potty training him.

I’ll tell you it’s in the top 5 hardest things I’ve ever done. But it is done.

It took 2 months. And for those 2 months, I cried almost daily. And we literally divided the day into shifts between nanny, myself, DH, and teenagers we hired from the neighborhood.

During your “shift”, the ONLY THING YOU DO is watch the kid. You don’t make food. You don’t touch your phone. You don’t go to the park. You are doing NOTHING except watching the child.

Oh and we kept him naked. And followed him around with a potty.

It was awful and hard core and expensive and miserable.

I acknowledge I am extraordinarily privileged to have been able to do this at all.

But I know, FOR CERTAIN, that this is what it was going to take and probably even more if we waited til 3. There was no way but forward.

Just saying it was hell. But you need someone to help you do it. Throw $10k at this and make it go away.

Any recommendations for how to go about finding a nanny for this? We had a nanny for a while early in COVID. That was before some the therapies his brother started. Perhaps the nanny wasn't very good, but to be fair, the brother can be violent and destructive, so her hands were full. We could manage a full-time nanny for the potty training child temporarily, but certainly not for long.