At wits' end with potty training 3yr old

[Anonymous]

I'm losing my mind with my 3.5 year old son. We've tried a few rounds of potty training. He didn't seem ready with a couple early attempt, but at about 2.5 years old we started Oh Crap over a weekend and he picked it up quickly on the first day. But then woke up the next day and it's been a disaster ever since. We stopped a couple times, figuring he wasn't ready, but physiologically he is. He knows what the potty is, he knows what it's for, he's able to control is bladder and bowels. He just won't use it.

I'm sure he's traumatized at this point. But I don't know what to do. Every other time we paused potty training, he was only more difficult the next go around.

When I look online, I see there are potty training consultants. But I they're either video trainings or perhaps videoconferences. I'm sure that won't work. Daycare isn't going to help- he has too many accidents for them, so they force diapers. He's completely able to hold urine for 6-8 hours. I'm not sure what happened, but he just stopped trying recently. He'll just go whenever he wants and he doesn't even care anymore.

Are there short-term nannies out there that will do potty training? I'm sure I'm going to need one for his brother, too.

[Anonymous]

Take him on a short vacation somewhere and "forget" the diapers.

[Anonymous]

Is he constipated at all? It can really mess up potty training.

He doesn’t care about peeing himself? Be kind, but he needs to clean it up, put the wet clothes in the laundry room. I also did a quick shower every time it happened. My kids will do anything to avoid a shower, so I think that was the most useful. (They like baths)

I agree you need someone else to train your son. What about husband? You have some power struggle going on. I also think you as the parent need to think you’ll succeed in order to succeed.

[Anonymous]

What happened on day 2 of Oh Crap? Why did you quit? On day 2?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he constipated at all? It can really mess up potty training.

He doesn’t care about peeing himself? Be kind, but he needs to clean it up, put the wet clothes in the laundry room. I also did a quick shower every time it happened. My kids will do anything to avoid a shower, so I think that was the most useful. (They like baths)

I agree you need someone else to train your son. What about husband? You have some power struggle going on. I also think you as the parent need to think you’ll succeed in order to succeed.

He doesn't seem to be constipated. This has been going.on for a while. He used to wait until bed and would go once we out a diaper on him. Sometimes immediately, sometimes after he falls asleep. He asks for diapers when he needs to go.

He doesn't care anymore about peeing on humself. He used to, but not anymore. At least they're little accidents. His brother just empties his bladder completely without a care in the world.

He's very non-compliant, so while we do try to get him to help clean up, we really have to force it with hand-over-hand.

I am the husband. It doesn't go any better with my wife.

We took away his favorite toys, thinking that would motivate him by giving them back one-to-one. It didn't. His tantrums are just a lot more frequent and longer now.

A shower would probably have an undesirable effect. Plus, with another kid in the house it would be be entirely impractical given the current frequency.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What happened on day 2 of Oh Crap? Why did you quit? On day 2?

He just refused to use the potty. The first day he went to it and used it without prompting. The second day he fought attempts to get him to sit on it. You could tell when he had to go. He'd either have little accidents or he'd be doing a potty dance. But he screamed and screamed when you brought him to the potty. Nothing worked to get him to sit there. Screen time? Nope. Juice? Nope. Chocolate? Nope.

[Anonymous]

I’d completely stop trying at this point and wait a month or two. Rule #1 of potty training is you can only train a compliant kid. Focus on other things with him like bonding or doing things he likes. Once he’s more compliant, try again. 3 year olds are a very hard age to train.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d completely stop trying at this point and wait a month or two. Rule #1 of potty training is you can only train a compliant kid. Focus on other things with him like bonding or doing things he likes. Once he’s more compliant, try again. 3 year olds are a very hard age to train.

The compliance isn’t getting better. If anything, it’s been getting worse. That was true even when we paused potty training.

I’m sure he’ll get diagnosed with something when he’s older, but at three there’s relatively little they’ll diagnose except ASD, which he’s not, and very few medications they’ll prescribe.

[Anonymous]

You made two huge mistakes: you started too late and you quit a couple times. You never, ever quit and go back to diapers.

Admit defeat and put him back in diapers. It has to be his decision now - it’s not about “training” as he knows exactly what to do and can physically do it. So give up. Tell him that it going to be his decision when he’s ready. Stop talking about it completely.

Have one big present he really wants visible but unopened for when he gives up diapers and uses the toilet completely. Let him see it and look at it for as long as he wants but don’t open it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made two huge mistakes: you started too late and you quit a couple times. You never, ever quit and go back to diapers.

Admit defeat and put him back in diapers. It has to be his decision now - it’s not about “training” as he knows exactly what to do and can physically do it. So give up. Tell him that it going to be his decision when he’s ready. Stop talking about it completely.

Have one big present he really wants visible but unopened for when he gives up diapers and uses the toilet completely. Let him see it and look at it for as long as he wants but don’t open it.

While I pretty much agree, I’ll note his pediatrician disagreed, and you can’t really continue potty training if the daycare won’t do it.

I don’t think a toy will work to bribe him. We basically took away his favorite thing in the world and while he was mad, it didn’t motivate him at all.

[Anonymous]

Give up. Seriously. Tell him that you’re giving up and he can stay in diapers for the rest of his life. Echoing the above, NEVER mention it again. Never suggest using the toilet. Never talk about him one day using the toilet. Simply quit.

But do talk to your partner in front of him about your own toileting. If you have an older kid, buy him or her cool underwear and swim trunks. This summer talk about how cool you feel in underwear.

It has to be your son’s decision now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made two huge mistakes: you started too late and you quit a couple times. You never, ever quit and go back to diapers.

Admit defeat and put him back in diapers. It has to be his decision now - it’s not about “training” as he knows exactly what to do and can physically do it. So give up. Tell him that it going to be his decision when he’s ready. Stop talking about it completely.

Have one big present he really wants visible but unopened for when he gives up diapers and uses the toilet completely. Let him see it and look at it for as long as he wants but don’t open it.

While I pretty much agree, I’ll note his pediatrician disagreed, and you can’t really continue potty training if the daycare won’t do it.

I don’t think a toy will work to bribe him. We basically took away his favorite thing in the world and while he was mad, it didn’t motivate him at all.

I don’t know what part your pediatrician disagreed with.

Then just give up. Stop taking things away from him and stop talking about it. Just put his diapers on him and say NOTHING. Stop the war if wills. He’ll come around on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give up. Seriously. Tell him that you’re giving up and he can stay in diapers for the rest of his life. Echoing the above, NEVER mention it again. Never suggest using the toilet. Never talk about him one day using the toilet. Simply quit.

But do talk to your partner in front of him about your own toileting. If you have an older kid, buy him or her cool underwear and swim trunks. This summer talk about how cool you feel in underwear.

It has to be your son’s decision now.

I guarantee that will not work. His brother is in a different circumstance and will be in diapers for quite some time. If he has a choice, I’m quite certain he will choose diapers for quite a long time. I can’t get him into a proper preschool unless he’s potty trained.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made two huge mistakes: you started too late and you quit a couple times. You never, ever quit and go back to diapers.

Admit defeat and put him back in diapers. It has to be his decision now - it’s not about “training” as he knows exactly what to do and can physically do it. So give up. Tell him that it going to be his decision when he’s ready. Stop talking about it completely.

Have one big present he really wants visible but unopened for when he gives up diapers and uses the toilet completely. Let him see it and look at it for as long as he wants but don’t open it.

While I pretty much agree, I’ll note his pediatrician disagreed, and you can’t really continue potty training if the daycare won’t do it.

I don’t think a toy will work to bribe him. We basically took away his favorite thing in the world and while he was mad, it didn’t motivate him at all.

I don’t know what part your pediatrician disagreed with.

Then just give up. Stop taking things away from him and stop talking about it. Just put his diapers on him and say NOTHING. Stop the war if wills. He’ll come around on his own.

Zero chance of that being effective. I’m dead serious here. Maybe in a year or two, but certainly not for the fall.

[Anonymous]

OP, we are in the same boat. No advice, obviously, just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. I am exhausted by it.

And we have the same issue with daycare. Our DD will not tell them that she needs to go. Just refuses. If they ask her if she needs to go, she says no even if she pees 30 seconds later. She will sit on the potty when asked, but never puts anything in it at school. We have to send her in pull-ups. It’s not a choice at this point.

What is frustrating is that at home, she will independently decide to use the potty occasionally. But it has to be 100% her initiative. If we ask, she says no. But like tonight I was getting her ready for a shower and she just said “Hold on, I have to go pee.” Went to her room to use her potty (she won’t use any other), wiped, then got in the shower like it was no big deal. And then she insisted on pooping in her pull-up after going to bed (like she knew she had to poop, we knew she had to, she sat on the potty and didn’t poop, then put in her pull-up and pooped it it the minute she was in bed). So we had to get her up and change her immediately. Exhausting.

We’ve discussed it with her ped and even talked to a behavioral therapist (though not a PT specialist) and the consensus is that we have to let her figure it out on her own. There is nothing to be gained in trying to force the issue; she just digs in and we’re all miserable. And like you, there is no bribe that works. We have a brand new scooter sitting on a shelf in her room waiting to be the reward. She really wants it. But not enough to use the potty consistently.

Anyway, I hear you. I feel like I failed. But when people say we messed up by going back to diapers, I feel confident they don’t know what it means to have a child this difficult to train. It’s not resistance or frustration. It is absolute refusal. I can’t physically force her to sit in the potty, and even if I did, she’d refuse to go in it. She’s not like this with other things. But on this issue, it’s her way or the highway.