At wits' end with potty training 3yr old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d completely stop trying at this point and wait a month or two. Rule #1 of potty training is you can only train a compliant kid. Focus on other things with him like bonding or doing things he likes. Once he’s more compliant, try again. 3 year olds are a very hard age to train.

The compliance isn’t getting better. If anything, it’s been getting worse. That was true even when we paused potty training.

I’m sure he’ll get diagnosed with something when he’s older, but at three there’s relatively little they’ll diagnose except ASD, which he’s not, and very few medications they’ll prescribe.

Work on the compliance as your number one. Spend a lot more time with him, give him tons of attention and extra love. When kids are being disagreeable like this, they need more. They go in phases and it won’t always be this hard.

I do agree that this is too late to train and that you never should have gone back to diapers. But this is where you’re at. Stop potty training completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d completely stop trying at this point and wait a month or two. Rule #1 of potty training is you can only train a compliant kid. Focus on other things with him like bonding or doing things he likes. Once he’s more compliant, try again. 3 year olds are a very hard age to train.

The compliance isn’t getting better. If anything, it’s been getting worse. That was true even when we paused potty training.

I’m sure he’ll get diagnosed with something when he’s older, but at three there’s relatively little they’ll diagnose except ASD, which he’s not, and very few medications they’ll prescribe.

Work on the compliance as your number one. Spend a lot more time with him, give him tons of attention and extra love. When kids are being disagreeable like this, they need more. They go in phases and it won’t always be this hard.

I do agree that this is too late to train and that you never should have gone back to diapers. But this is where you’re at. Stop potty training completely.

The kid has been spoiled. That’s why he’s a brat. It’s not that he doesn’t get enough attention. Honestly, part of the reason his brother is screwed up is because this first kid gets so much of the attention. If it’s a phase, it’s a phase he’s been in his whole life.

Is a nanny basically the only option? Or are there medications or special therapies I can try to get?

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone else: you started too late and went back to diapers when it got difficult. Two big mistakes with potty training.

And now you want medications???

[Anonymous]

We were doing pull ups at 4. no big deal.

[Anonymous]

Here’s my advice, all the “could have should have” stuff aside, because what you want is a way forward, right?

1. Keep him in pull-ups or diapers for the month of April. If he wants to sit and use the potty during this month, let him. But don’t force him to sit. Each day talk up the importance of using the potty like a big kid. That he has to do it if he wants to go to school with his friends in the fall. That diapers are for little kids and using the potty is for big kids. If you have to go back and pull out the potty training books or watch the potty training episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger, do it.

2. Determine the one week you or your spouse can take off of work in the month of May. This will be the week you pull your child from daycare and your sole job the entire seven days is potty training.

3. Spend the next three weeks putting in the advance work. As in, every single day you do something to prepare yourself for the May training session. Re-read Oh Crap. Contact the author or a pediatric behavioral specialist for a consulting session on toileting a reluctant child. Whether or not your child is neurotypical, research potty training for children with special needs. He may not be a special needs, but he is certainly in a special circumstance where atypical methods of training may be necessary. There are articles and message boards galore online. If you have been using a small standalone potty, invest in an over the seat style with stairs for large toilet insert. If you’ve been having him go on the big toilet, by a standalone potty. Having something different and new may help your process.

4. Make your plan for that training week in May. Adhere to rules you develop: you and he stay in the house the entire week. You try naked on bottom (or underwear only or commando, whatever your plan) and stick to it. You vow to get rid of diapers except for naps and overnight. You take him to sit and try every 20 minutes and watch him like a hawk to pick up on the cues when he needs to go. Double down on rewards: a potty chart with stickers or a candy treat, and a small toy like a matchbox car every day he goes on the potty more than once. A big toy (LEGO kit or whatever) he picks out each day he stays completely dry. If training with underwear have him pick out new underwear with his favorite characters. Even if he has a ton in his closet anyway, have him select a new pack.

What you want is to set your child up for success. The issues you’ve had up to this point are largely parent-created, and marginally child-related. He is reluctant, but unless there is a physiological problem or he is delayed, he is obviously intellectually and physically able to fully train. And you are too. But you have to be vigilant or you’ll be dealing with this problem repeatedly at the extreme disadvantage to your son, who may be held back with little kids at daycare rather than advancing to the older kid classroom or being admitted to a formal preschool since he is still in diapers.

I know it’s a huge frustration, but unless you really treat training as a job at this point, I don’t think you’re going to have success. It’s not magically going to click for him without you really stepping things up. So take the next several weeks to research, prepare, and plan, and then do it. We’re here for support as you need it. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give up. Seriously. Tell him that you’re giving up and he can stay in diapers for the rest of his life. Echoing the above, NEVER mention it again. Never suggest using the toilet. Never talk about him one day using the toilet. Simply quit.

But do talk to your partner in front of him about your own toileting. If you have an older kid, buy him or her cool underwear and swim trunks. This summer talk about how cool you feel in underwear.

It has to be your son’s decision now.

Forget the older sibling, train the baby! Don't say anything about it but put the baby in underwear while the older bro is in diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we are in the same boat. No advice, obviously, just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone. I am exhausted by it.

And we have the same issue with daycare. Our DD will not tell them that she needs to go. Just refuses. If they ask her if she needs to go, she says no even if she pees 30 seconds later. She will sit on the potty when asked, but never puts anything in it at school. We have to send her in pull-ups. It’s not a choice at this point.

What is frustrating is that at home, she will independently decide to use the potty occasionally. But it has to be 100% her initiative. If we ask, she says no. But like tonight I was getting her ready for a shower and she just said “Hold on, I have to go pee.” Went to her room to use her potty (she won’t use any other), wiped, then got in the shower like it was no big deal. And then she insisted on pooping in her pull-up after going to bed (like she knew she had to poop, we knew she had to, she sat on the potty and didn’t poop, then put in her pull-up and pooped it it the minute she was in bed). So we had to get her up and change her immediately. Exhausting.

We’ve discussed it with her ped and even talked to a behavioral therapist (though not a PT specialist) and the consensus is that we have to let her figure it out on her own. There is nothing to be gained in trying to force the issue; she just digs in and we’re all miserable. And like you, there is no bribe that works. We have a brand new scooter sitting on a shelf in her room waiting to be the reward. She really wants it. But not enough to use the potty consistently.

Anyway, I hear you. I feel like I failed. But when people say we messed up by going back to diapers, I feel confident they don’t know what it means to have a child this difficult to train. It’s not resistance or frustration. It is absolute refusal. I can’t physically force her to sit in the potty, and even if I did, she’d refuse to go in it. She’s not like this with other things. But on this issue, it’s her way or the highway.

The advice is inconsistent. Don't push them but don't revert back to diapers. My advice is to start training at 12-18 months, depending on their motor skills, while they are still in the eager to please phase, even if it takes longer than "POTTY TRAIN YOUR TODDLER IN 3 DAYS!!!!!!!!"

[Anonymous]

The nanny is an option.

Other options
1) Stays with a family with a potty trained boy his age - peer pressure
2) Stays with a male role model he wants to impress like an uncle
3) Unfamiliar setting with no diapers preferably with other kids where he would be embarrassed to be having accidents (e.g. camping)
4) If you have a back yard or a house without carpet he loses his pants privileges (preferably start this out on a 3 day weekend). Train the baby too.

Someone is going to say we're evil, but my son did one ninja poop (ran off and hid to crap his pants) and DH sprayed him with the diaper sprayer - that was the last ninja poop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give up. Seriously. Tell him that you’re giving up and he can stay in diapers for the rest of his life. Echoing the above, NEVER mention it again. Never suggest using the toilet. Never talk about him one day using the toilet. Simply quit.

But do talk to your partner in front of him about your own toileting. If you have an older kid, buy him or her cool underwear and swim trunks. This summer talk about how cool you feel in underwear.

It has to be your son’s decision now.

Forget the older sibling, train the baby! Don't say anything about it but put the baby in underwear while the older bro is in diapers.

The other child has special needs and will be in diapers for the foreseeable future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The nanny is an option.

Other options
1) Stays with a family with a potty trained boy his age - peer pressure
2) Stays with a male role model he wants to impress like an uncle
3) Unfamiliar setting with no diapers preferably with other kids where he would be embarrassed to be having accidents (e.g. camping)
4) If you have a back yard or a house without carpet he loses his pants privileges (preferably start this out on a 3 day weekend). Train the baby too.

Someone is going to say we're evil, but my son did one ninja poop (ran off and hid to crap his pants) and DH sprayed him with the diaper sprayer - that was the last ninja poop

Lots of the items on that list don't work during COVID. And basically none of them work if we can't get the daycare to go along with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give up. Seriously. Tell him that you’re giving up and he can stay in diapers for the rest of his life. Echoing the above, NEVER mention it again. Never suggest using the toilet. Never talk about him one day using the toilet. Simply quit.

But do talk to your partner in front of him about your own toileting. If you have an older kid, buy him or her cool underwear and swim trunks. This summer talk about how cool you feel in underwear.

It has to be your son’s decision now.

Forget the older sibling, train the baby! Don't say anything about it but put the baby in underwear while the older bro is in diapers.

The other child has special needs and will be in diapers for the foreseeable future.

Ok you definitely need help. How old is the younger?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nanny is an option.

Other options
1) Stays with a family with a potty trained boy his age - peer pressure
2) Stays with a male role model he wants to impress like an uncle
3) Unfamiliar setting with no diapers preferably with other kids where he would be embarrassed to be having accidents (e.g. camping)
4) If you have a back yard or a house without carpet he loses his pants privileges (preferably start this out on a 3 day weekend). Train the baby too.

Someone is going to say we're evil, but my son did one ninja poop (ran off and hid to crap his pants) and DH sprayed him with the diaper sprayer - that was the last ninja poop

Lots of the items on that list don't work during COVID. And basically none of them work if we can't get the daycare to go along with it.

Camping is still on and you can't put this on the daycare's plate. They have a higher ratio of children to adults than you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give up. Seriously. Tell him that you’re giving up and he can stay in diapers for the rest of his life. Echoing the above, NEVER mention it again. Never suggest using the toilet. Never talk about him one day using the toilet. Simply quit.

But do talk to your partner in front of him about your own toileting. If you have an older kid, buy him or her cool underwear and swim trunks. This summer talk about how cool you feel in underwear.

It has to be your son’s decision now.

Forget the older sibling, train the baby! Don't say anything about it but put the baby in underwear while the older bro is in diapers.

The other child has special needs and will be in diapers for the foreseeable future.

Ok you definitely need help. How old is the younger?

He's older, not younger. We've got help with him during the day, but weekends, evenings and mornings are obviously particularly challenging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nanny is an option.

Other options
1) Stays with a family with a potty trained boy his age - peer pressure
2) Stays with a male role model he wants to impress like an uncle
3) Unfamiliar setting with no diapers preferably with other kids where he would be embarrassed to be having accidents (e.g. camping)
4) If you have a back yard or a house without carpet he loses his pants privileges (preferably start this out on a 3 day weekend). Train the baby too.

Someone is going to say we're evil, but my son did one ninja poop (ran off and hid to crap his pants) and DH sprayed him with the diaper sprayer - that was the last ninja poop

Lots of the items on that list don't work during COVID. And basically none of them work if we can't get the daycare to go along with it.

Camping is still on and you can't put this on the daycare's plate. They have a higher ratio of children to adults than you do.

Camping would not be an option with our other child. That would be a very dangerous situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The nanny is an option.

Other options
1) Stays with a family with a potty trained boy his age - peer pressure
2) Stays with a male role model he wants to impress like an uncle
3) Unfamiliar setting with no diapers preferably with other kids where he would be embarrassed to be having accidents (e.g. camping)
4) If you have a back yard or a house without carpet he loses his pants privileges (preferably start this out on a 3 day weekend). Train the baby too.

Someone is going to say we're evil, but my son did one ninja poop (ran off and hid to crap his pants) and DH sprayed him with the diaper sprayer - that was the last ninja poop

Lots of the items on that list don't work during COVID. And basically none of them work if we can't get the daycare to go along with it.

Camping is still on and you can't put this on the daycare's plate. They have a higher ratio of children to adults than you do.

Camping would not be an option with our other child. That would be a very dangerous situation.

Plus, I'll note, who with small children still has leave from work after a year of various COVID closures of daycares and child care facilities?