At wits' end with potty training 3yr old

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You’ve got to outsource this. You should probably have a nanny anyway, given you have two young kids with special needs.

I have 2 young kids, ages 4 and 2. The 2 year old has significant delays. And we just “finished” potty training him.

I’ll tell you it’s in the top 5 hardest things I’ve ever done. But it is done.

It took 2 months. And for those 2 months, I cried almost daily. And we literally divided the day into shifts between nanny, myself, DH, and teenagers we hired from the neighborhood.

During your “shift”, the ONLY THING YOU DO is watch the kid. You don’t make food. You don’t touch your phone. You don’t go to the park. You are doing NOTHING except watching the child.

Oh and we kept him naked. And followed him around with a potty.

It was awful and hard core and expensive and miserable.

I acknowledge I am extraordinarily privileged to have been able to do this at all.

But I know, FOR CERTAIN, that this is what it was going to take and probably even more if we waited til 3. There was no way but forward.

Just saying it was hell. But you need someone to help you do it. Throw $10k at this and make it go away.

Any recommendations for how to go about finding a nanny for this? We had a nanny for a while early in COVID. That was before some the therapies his brother started. Perhaps the nanny wasn't very good, but to be fair, the brother can be violent and destructive, so her hands were full. We could manage a full-time nanny for the potty training child temporarily, but certainly not for long.

You might want to make a new post in the childcare forum to ask about this.

Nextdoor is a good resource, Facebook (often there are nanny groups specific to your area), care.com.

Though I would be surprised if you had luck if your children are violent and destructive and you’re looking for potty training help and short term. I’m sorry, that’s going to be hard to find.

[Anonymous]

You go to your pediatrician and ask for resources and referrals. You push for a re-evaluation (for ASD, SPD, etc). You get an appointment with a developmental pediatrician (can’t hurt trying again since at wits end, right?). You pay OOP for private ABA therapy. You have your pediatrician examine your child, re-run blood and urine samples, and ensure he isn’t dehydrated, constipated, malnourished, iron deficient, or experiencing a solvable physical issue. You meet with a pediatric nutritionist. You consult with a pediatric allergist. You change providers if you aren’t getting needs met by your pediatrician. You have your child screened by a child psychologist. You hire a potty training consultant. You sign up for special needs parenting classes. You find a therapist you can speak with to help you manage the personal stress and frustrations you’re dealing with. Get off this anonymous board and seek some real help. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

What motivates your child?

My child is VERY competitive. He learned to swim before age 3 because an older girl was doing it. So a friend potty trained and I said, don't you want to be like Johnny?

He also wanted big boy underwear.

I would push his motivation points.

[Anonymous]

Wait. Back to diapers. It seems like your child wants to lead. So let him. Go back to diapers and when he is ready, he will tell you. And as my mother always told me, no child has ever gone off to university still in diapers. He'll grow out of it soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my advice, all the “could have should have” stuff aside, because what you want is a way forward, right?

1. Keep him in pull-ups or diapers for the month of April. If he wants to sit and use the potty during this month, let him. But don’t force him to sit. Each day talk up the importance of using the potty like a big kid. That he has to do it if he wants to go to school with his friends in the fall. That diapers are for little kids and using the potty is for big kids. If you have to go back and pull out the potty training books or watch the potty training episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger, do it.

2. Determine the one week you or your spouse can take off of work in the month of May. This will be the week you pull your child from daycare and your sole job the entire seven days is potty training.

3. Spend the next three weeks putting in the advance work. As in, every single day you do something to prepare yourself for the May training session. Re-read Oh Crap. Contact the author or a pediatric behavioral specialist for a consulting session on toileting a reluctant child. Whether or not your child is neurotypical, research potty training for children with special needs. He may not be a special needs, but he is certainly in a special circumstance where atypical methods of training may be necessary. There are articles and message boards galore online. If you have been using a small standalone potty, invest in an over the seat style with stairs for large toilet insert. If you’ve been having him go on the big toilet, by a standalone potty. Having something different and new may help your process.

4. Make your plan for that training week in May. Adhere to rules you develop: you and he stay in the house the entire week. You try naked on bottom (or underwear only or commando, whatever your plan) and stick to it. You vow to get rid of diapers except for naps and overnight. You take him to sit and try every 20 minutes and watch him like a hawk to pick up on the cues when he needs to go. Double down on rewards: a potty chart with stickers or a candy treat, and a small toy like a matchbox car every day he goes on the potty more than once. A big toy (LEGO kit or whatever) he picks out each day he stays completely dry. If training with underwear have him pick out new underwear with his favorite characters. Even if he has a ton in his closet anyway, have him select a new pack.

What you want is to set your child up for success. The issues you’ve had up to this point are largely parent-created, and marginally child-related. He is reluctant, but unless there is a physiological problem or he is delayed, he is obviously intellectually and physically able to fully train. And you are too. But you have to be vigilant or you’ll be dealing with this problem repeatedly at the extreme disadvantage to your son, who may be held back with little kids at daycare rather than advancing to the older kid classroom or being admitted to a formal preschool since he is still in diapers.

I know it’s a huge frustration, but unless you really treat training as a job at this point, I don’t think you’re going to have success. It’s not magically going to click for him without you really stepping things up. So take the next several weeks to research, prepare, and plan, and then do it. We’re here for support as you need it. Good luck!

+1

This thread is becoming a mess but this is really good advice. I would focus on carving out time to get this done at home where you can keep him bottomless or in underwear. Going back and forth with diapers/pull ups makes things so much harder. And figure out the best way for positive reinforcement. Stickers, toys, etc. You don't want to drive potty training with consequences, he'll jut get defiant.

The thing that I can't get past is that positive reinforcement requires progress before it kicks in. I can bribe him into siting on the potty with screen time, but that only works until he really needs to go. Then it turns into panicked screaming. How much should I force him to stay put when he's literally dribbling out from a full bladder? What are the consequences and rewards in such a situation?

Reward anything, even a single drop, that ends up in the potty. Lots of praise, like a parade, and an immediate reward.
Consequence is he helps immediately clean up any messes. He can help wipe the floor, clean his clothes, etc. No play or “fun time” until things are cleaned up. No chastising, no drama. Just “oh well, looks like you will have to clean up with me. Let’s get the supplies.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here’s my advice, all the “could have should have” stuff aside, because what you want is a way forward, right?

1. Keep him in pull-ups or diapers for the month of April. If he wants to sit and use the potty during this month, let him. But don’t force him to sit. Each day talk up the importance of using the potty like a big kid. That he has to do it if he wants to go to school with his friends in the fall. That diapers are for little kids and using the potty is for big kids. If you have to go back and pull out the potty training books or watch the potty training episodes of shows like Daniel Tiger, do it.

2. Determine the one week you or your spouse can take off of work in the month of May. This will be the week you pull your child from daycare and your sole job the entire seven days is potty training.

3. Spend the next three weeks putting in the advance work. As in, every single day you do something to prepare yourself for the May training session. Re-read Oh Crap. Contact the author or a pediatric behavioral specialist for a consulting session on toileting a reluctant child. Whether or not your child is neurotypical, research potty training for children with special needs. He may not be a special needs, but he is certainly in a special circumstance where atypical methods of training may be necessary. There are articles and message boards galore online. If you have been using a small standalone potty, invest in an over the seat style with stairs for large toilet insert. If you’ve been having him go on the big toilet, by a standalone potty. Having something different and new may help your process.

4. Make your plan for that training week in May. Adhere to rules you develop: you and he stay in the house the entire week. You try naked on bottom (or underwear only or commando, whatever your plan) and stick to it. You vow to get rid of diapers except for naps and overnight. You take him to sit and try every 20 minutes and watch him like a hawk to pick up on the cues when he needs to go. Double down on rewards: a potty chart with stickers or a candy treat, and a small toy like a matchbox car every day he goes on the potty more than once. A big toy (LEGO kit or whatever) he picks out each day he stays completely dry. If training with underwear have him pick out new underwear with his favorite characters. Even if he has a ton in his closet anyway, have him select a new pack.

What you want is to set your child up for success. The issues you’ve had up to this point are largely parent-created, and marginally child-related. He is reluctant, but unless there is a physiological problem or he is delayed, he is obviously intellectually and physically able to fully train. And you are too. But you have to be vigilant or you’ll be dealing with this problem repeatedly at the extreme disadvantage to your son, who may be held back with little kids at daycare rather than advancing to the older kid classroom or being admitted to a formal preschool since he is still in diapers.

I know it’s a huge frustration, but unless you really treat training as a job at this point, I don’t think you’re going to have success. It’s not magically going to click for him without you really stepping things up. So take the next several weeks to research, prepare, and plan, and then do it. We’re here for support as you need it. Good luck!

+1

This thread is becoming a mess but this is really good advice. I would focus on carving out time to get this done at home where you can keep him bottomless or in underwear. Going back and forth with diapers/pull ups makes things so much harder. And figure out the best way for positive reinforcement. Stickers, toys, etc. You don't want to drive potty training with consequences, he'll jut get defiant.

The thing that I can't get past is that positive reinforcement requires progress before it kicks in. I can bribe him into siting on the potty with screen time, but that only works until he really needs to go. Then it turns into panicked screaming. How much should I force him to stay put when he's literally dribbling out from a full bladder? What are the consequences and rewards in such a situation?

Reward anything, even a single drop, that ends up in the potty. Lots of praise, like a parade, and an immediate reward.
Consequence is he helps immediately clean up any messes. He can help wipe the floor, clean his clothes, etc. No play or “fun time” until things are cleaned up. No chastising, no drama. Just “oh well, looks like you will have to clean up with me. Let’s get the supplies.”

I also probably wouldn’t reward for sitting once potty, or if even getting him on the potty requires a reward, only reward that short term, then Step up the expectation.

[Anonymous]

Definitely go to the pediatrician. I had a friend whose son was in diapers until he was six. He clearly had something going on but by the time he was 8, you couldn't tell. I had another friend whose daughter was in diapers until 4. Now she's at a top school.

It could be that he has his own SN or that he's acting out or who knows. I get how frustrating it is - I've got multiple kids and they've all got something that makes me worry (talented but lazy; creative but lazy; not lazy but no common sense, etc)

Potty training isn't the be all, end all. Go to a pediatrician and ask for advice and then try to look for something that you admire in the kid and don't compare him to the other kids.

[Anonymous]

Did you try training urinal? On amazon. My boy liked it sit down potty.much more than

[Anonymous]

OP here. I was wrong. I thought he was just developmentally delayed, but it turns out he actually is autistic.

[Anonymous]

Glad you got a diagnosis. Good luck with treatment plans and therapies. Potty training a special needs child is a different animal. The special needs forum will be helpful to you.

[Anonymous]

OP I just wanted to say that I wish you luck and potty training success. A lot of mean comments on this thread. Are all of you so perfect or have such perfect children?

One of my kids is "defiant" and I had success with this trick. In case it works for you or anyone else I am happy to share. I used the small potties (not potty seat on toilet). I took a small tissue and twisted it and wrapped it up into a fun shape, and then put it in the potty. I asked my kid "what do you think this will become when you pee on it? Will it turn into a butterfly?" I did this over and over and over again. My kid is imaginative and loved guessing what "shape" the peed on tissue would become.

[Anonymous]

I wrote a couple of weeks ago about potty training for my newly 2 year old boy. What worked for my boy (who was having issues pooping in the potty not peeing) was a small gift every time he did it in the potty. I bought a bunch of little party favors cars/trucks (something he really loves) and gave one each time he pooped in the potty. My son got it right away and has not had an accident in weeks

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’ve got to outsource this. You should probably have a nanny anyway, given you have two young kids with special needs.

I have 2 young kids, ages 4 and 2. The 2 year old has significant delays. And we just “finished” potty training him.

I’ll tell you it’s in the top 5 hardest things I’ve ever done. But it is done.

It took 2 months. And for those 2 months, I cried almost daily. And we literally divided the day into shifts between nanny, myself, DH, and teenagers we hired from the neighborhood.

During your “shift”, the ONLY THING YOU DO is watch the kid. You don’t make food. You don’t touch your phone. You don’t go to the park. You are doing NOTHING except watching the child.

Oh and we kept him naked. And followed him around with a potty.

It was awful and hard core and expensive and miserable.

I acknowledge I am extraordinarily privileged to have been able to do this at all.

But I know, FOR CERTAIN, that this is what it was going to take and probably even more if we waited til 3. There was no way but forward.

Just saying it was hell. But you need someone to help you do it. Throw $10k at this and make it go away.

Do you have any advice at the logistics of this? I have a 4 year old with delays and I think this is exactly what it will take to potty train him.

As in, I'd have to focus on the kid alone, no phone at all and just follow him around with a potty. I probably wouldn't be able to do this 24/7 for 2-3 months straight, so I need to figure out how to outsource it.

Would you recommend sending him to a daycare while potty training? Would daycares help with this? Or should I just hire a temporary nanny and schedule her for full time work?