Reply to Resent husband and his sibling over care of Mother in Law

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]If people have never been through this or something similar they absolutely cannot understand the stress this has on everyone.

My parents took in my grandmother when she was destitute with dementia and it was terrible on the entire family. My mother just couldn’t stomach putting her in a facility, my grandmother was mean, verbally abusive, would throw things, break stuff. It was awful.

My own MIL came down with what I suspected was ALS and was single with no siblings so all she had were my DH and his sister to help. My SIL lives in SoCal. We live in DC. My MIL lived in Europe.  As the situation became clear her illness was serious, my husband had to make repeated, long trips overseas to get her into specialists and try to talk her into moving in with us. She refused. My SIL checked out.

My MIL lost the ability to speak and swallow. She finally admitted the doctors said she had ALS, which is a death sentence.  She refused to move in with us but would be happy for us to live with her, which would have meant uprooting my 2 elementary age children to another country in another language to all live in a 2 bedroom flat.  Still my SIL stayed behind in California, where she has no kids and no job. This meant 2 weeks out of the month DH was at my MILs, taking care of her.

All family responsibility for 2 years was on me, for absolutely everything.  It was horrible on our marriage, my parenting, my mental health, everything.  My kids hated it.  I finally told my husband if he didn’t tell my SIL to get her @ss in gear and help that I would and that we have two kids to raise. This was crazy.

My SIL finally said she’d take a month to visit her mother. Soon after my MIL passed away.  But we still live with the scars of those two years my children never saw their father and that all we did was stress and argue about my MIL’s care. Preserving OP’s family is important. What matters to her children is important. Don’t dismiss it. Get the BIL involved.  Be direct and polite. But don’t stew in it if you don’t ask. [/quote]

Why on earth did you agree to this arrangement?  You and DH enabled your MIL to stay in Europe. Most people would not have made that decision. That was on you two, not SIL. [/quote]

This. I too have been through dementia with a parent and useless siblings. It is a waste of time and energy to try to guilt and manipulate others into doing more than they are willing. You have to simply find a sustainable solution. You mention no siblings for the mIL to help. Rarely would an elderly person's siblings help. They too are old and have their own issues. You get guardianship and place them in a safe environment if their refusal could lead to death.[/quote]

People, that posters MIL is dead.  Why are you harping on her now?  Wow.  Sorry for your loss.  [/quote]

This is a thread about coping with caregiving elderly inlaws and people are sharing their experiences. This is not a thread to announce deaths. We can share our experiences and what we have learned. I have lost one of the people I was care-giving for and I don't expect the thread to stop because of it.[/quote]

Your dots don’t connect. PP with dead MIL was sharing his/her story re caring for a terminally ill MIL, which I believe OP was asking advice in similar set of circumstances. Identical, no but similar enough.  After that, many posters were rude to that PP that the PP shouldn’t have agreed to the arrangement, shouldn’t ask in-law sibling for help, etc. all of which are similar issues for OP.

That PP was sharing. So why are other PP being so harsh on that shared experience?  That PP wasn’t asking for her own advice on what to do because her situation is over.

I think (hope) we are all trying to help OP. [/quote]

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